Picking up the Pieces

by Jessica Prince

  “It’s okay, baby,” I spoke to my belly. “Mommy’s gonna get you through this. Just hang on, Ella. I love you.” After that, everything went black.

  ***

  I woke up feeling groggy and out of sorts. Nothing around me felt familiar. I blinked several times trying to get my vision in focus. “She’s awake.” I heard from somewhere next to me. It sounded like Savannah but I wasn’t sure. It felt like my brain was taking forever to kick-start. “Emmy, sweetie, can you hear me?”

  Savannah’s blurry image slowly came in to focus. “What happened?” I asked in a voice so scratchy that I barely recognized it. It hurt to speak.

  “Oh, honey.” Savannah broke down in tears. I saw movement from behind her and watched Jeremy pull her into a hug. A quick glance around showed that Grams, along with all of my friends, were standing around me.

  The memories of where I was and why came rushing back. I quickly reached down to feel my stomach, terror running through me when it felt smaller than it had been before. “Where’s Ella?” I asked on a sob. “Where’s my baby?”

  Grams came and sat on the side of my bed as took my hand in hers. “Baby,” she whispered as tears streamed down her face, “there was a problem that the doctors weren’t expecting.” She cleared her throat before continuing. “Emmy, you started bleeding badly because your placenta detached. Ella didn’t make it, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” The last words were said with a hiccupped sob. I’d never seen my grandmother so heartbroken before. Even when my parents died, she was my rock. Seeing her breakdown in tears was just too much.

  “But… I don’t understand. She has to be okay. I just finished her nursery. She hasn’t even had a chance to sleep in it yet.”

  Lizzy let out a heart wrenching sob and left the hospital room. “Where is she?” I managed to ask past the lump in my throat. “How long have I been out?”

  Brett came up to me then and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Emmy, you were in ICU for a day. They had to do emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. You’ve been in and out for three days.”

  I lost it then. Knowing my daughter had died three days ago, and I didn’t get to hold her was more painful than anything else. Not being able to hold her or kiss her little cheeks ripped my insides apart. My friends and Grams just held on to me as I cried so hard my chest hurt. I cried until there weren’t any tears left. The nurse came in to push more pain meds and after what felt like hours of torment, I was finally forced to sleep. But when I woke later that evening, I remembered... everything. The torment started again. It was a vicious circle that lasted for days.

  After the tears disappeared, the numbness invaded.

  I sat through my daughter’s funeral in complete silence, my body refusing to acknowledge anyone. That feeling lasted longer than the complete sorrow. I went through my days like a zombie, not caring about anything or anyone. I felt like an empty shell of my former self. The door to Ella’s nursery was shut and remained that way for over a year. It was never to be touched.

  Eventually, the emptiness wore off and depression took over. I found that I could easily drown it out if I drank enough. So, that’s exactly how I spent the next year of my life. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t remember the loss of my daughter. I drank to numb the pain. I drank to forget. I drank because I hated myself. I drank because I hated everyone. I simply hated everything about my life.

  ***

  PRESENT

  Spring 2013

  Remembering that part of my life made me cringe. I was embarrassed of who I was, and I never wanted to be that person again. I went out to the bars in the city every night and met people who didn’t know me, people that didn’t know about my past or that I was drinking and partying to fill a void. I hung around some really bad people that did some pretty bad stuff, but I didn’t care. They supplied the drugs and alcohol, so as far as I was concerned, they were just fine.

  I knew that what I was doing wasn’t really who I was, but being drunk or high was better than being sad. My friends tried so hard to be supportive, but every time I looked at them, I could see the pity in their eyes and I hated it. I couldn’t stand to be around anyone who knew.

  I was ashamed of the downward spiral I was on, but I didn’t know how to pull myself out of it. God only knows how long it would have lasted if I hadn’t have hit rock bottom as soon as I did. I woke up one morning in a room I didn’t recognize, lying in a bed I’d never been in, with two men that I didn’t know. I couldn’t remember what happened the night before, but from the lack of clothing on all three of us, it was easy to ascertain that I’d had sex with two men whose names I didn’t know.

  I jumped out of the bed, ran to the bathroom and emptied my stomach of all its contents. When I was finally able to move from the floor, I dressed as quickly as possible and ran out of the room. When I found out I was in some shitty hotel, in an even shittier part of town, I didn’t hesitate to call Savannah to come and get me. It was the first time in a year I asked for her help, and she was there the moment I needed her.

  It took a lot of work, but I managed to get my shit together and start pulling myself up with the help of the people who loved me. There was no doubt in my mind that they were terrified I’d go back to that after my blow up with Luke the night before. But I knew I was tougher than that.

  The ringing of my phone pulled me out of my thoughts and back to reality. I grabbed my cell from the nightstand and looked at the display before hitting send. “Good morning, Savannah,” I said as soon as I answered. “I’m still fine.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied. “I’m not calling to check on you. There’s a Storage Wars marathon on today, and I just thought you’d want to know, that’s all.”

  I let out a deep belly laugh. “Much appreciated, love. Tell you what. Why don’t you see if all those people standing beside you want to come over, and we can watch it together?”

  “People? What people? I’m here all by my lonesome.” I could hear the laughter in her voice and it made me smile even more.

  “Am I on speaker?”

  “Maybe.” That meant yes.

  “Lizzy, Brett, Stacia, Gavin, and Jeremy. Would you like to join me and Savannah for a Storage Wars marathon today?”

  Different versions of yes came from all of my friends in the background. “You guys suck,” Savannah told them. “So much for covert.”

  I heard a throat clear in the background. “Uh…Emmy? Trevor here,” he said quietly.

  “Hey, Trev.”

  “You doing okay, gorgeous?” I loved how Trevor managed to pull off flirting in any scenario.

  “I’m good, Trev. You?”

  “Well. Uh… I was wondering—seeing as I love Storage Wars and all…”

  “You coming alone?” I interrupted.

  “That can be arranged,” he responded. I knew he still considered Luke his best friend, but over the past several weeks, it became clear that wherever Lizzy went, Trevor followed.

  “Then do you want to come over to watch it?” I asked.

  “Well, I guess I could squeeze you in…”

  I let out another laugh and addressed the whole group. “You guys are ridiculous. I’ll see you in thirty. Bring food!” I hung up and climbed out of my bed feeling a little bit lighter. Luke wasn’t going to destroy me this time. I spent massive amounts of time worrying about how I would handle it if he broke my heart again. It felt like a weight being lifted off my chest to know I’d be just fine.

  CHAPTER 26

  LUKE

  Lying under my mom’s kitchen sink with a hangover was NOT how I imagined I would spend my day off. I fully intended to be in my bed, blinds closed and covers over my head, nursing the headache that bitch, Johnny Walker, had given me. But what could I do? Ma called me to ask if I could fix a leaky faucet, so here I was.

  “You okay, honey? You don’t look so good.”

  Luckily, she couldn’t see me rolling my eyes from under the sink. �
��Just fine, Ma.”

  “Really?” she asked. The sarcastic tone in her voice was unexpected. “Cuz if there’s one thing I know, it’s a hangover. And you, son, are working one killer hangover.”

  I let out a loud sigh and gave the wrench one last crank, sealing the pipe closed. I wriggled my way out and sat with my elbows on my bent knees. “No offense, but it’s not something I really want to talk about right now.”

  “Hmm,” was the only response I got. I’d just finished tossing the last of my tools in my tool box when she finally spoke again. What she said stopped me in my tracks. “So I’m guessin’ you found out about Emmy’s baby?”

  What the hell? “You knew about that?” I shot up off the kitchen floor and stalked over to the table where she was sitting.

  “Well, it is a small town, Lucas.”

  “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” I shouted. “You’re my mom, you’re supposed to tell me shit like that!”

  “Sit down. Now.” I had never heard that much authority in her voice before. I sat my ass in a chair at her dinner table, just like she told me to do. When I finally met her eyes, I saw something that made the breath whoosh out of my lungs. Her green eyes were actually sparkling, not glazed over like I remembered seeing every day since I was old enough to notice. Holy shit. She’s sober.

  “I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t want any interruptions.” Why hadn’t I noticed there was no slurring in her speech until now? I was dumb-struck by what I was seeing, so all I was able to manage was a nod. “I didn’t do right by you, Lucas. I know that. Hell, I’ve known that for a long time.”

  I felt like I was in the fucking Twilight Zone.

  She continued on. “I’ve been a shitty mother…” She held up her hand when she noticed me open my mouth to speak. “… and I don’t deserve it, but I’m gonna ask for your forgiveness anyway. I should have stopped your father all those times he raised his hand to you. It wasn’t right, hitting a defenseless child like that. I should have been strong enough to kick his worthless ass outta my house long before he left.

  “The things you saw and dealt with—” She sucked in a breath, trying to keep the tears shining in her eyes at bay. “God. You never should have had to live like that. Then me being a drunk…” There it was. Mom had finally admitted it, after all these years. She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. As she talked, her voice broke. “You’re not him, baby.” That felt like a punch in the gut. “You are not your father, Luke. Do you understand me? You are so much stronger than he ever was.

  “The kindness in your heart makes you the man you are. You don’t have one single ounce of him in you.”

  It was too much. What she was saying was just too much. I was barely making it with the hangover. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t deal. She must have seen it written on my face, because she continued. “I’m getting help, baby.” My head shot up and my breathing became erratic. I had hoped for this moment for so long. “I found a place in Houston. I’m going to rehab. Then I figured I’d sell the house and see about getting myself a cute little apartment. I’m gonna get myself cleaned up, and I’m gonna be the mother you deserve. I know you’re grown now, and you probably don’t need me anymore… but I’m still going to do this… for you and me both.”

  I was out of the chair faster than I’d ever moved. Getting on my knees in front of her, I grabbed my mom and wrapped her in a hug so tight, I was afraid I might crush her. When I went to loosen my arms, she just held on tighter, refusing to let go. “I’ll always need you, Ma. Never doubt that. I’m so goddamned proud of you.” I felt myself having to choke back my own tears and I held her as the last of hers dried up.

  After what seemed like forever, she pulled back and went about wiping her face. Seemingly composed, she pointed back to the chair I’d vacated, indicating I needed to sit back down because she wasn’t finished. “Alright,” she started then cleared her throat. “Having said everything I just said, you and I are about to have a little come-to-Jesus, son.” Shit. This couldn’t be good.

  “Yes, I knew about the pregnancy. Now, I might be a drunk, but that don’t mean I’m an idiot. I heard the rumors and I saw that poor girl, walkin’ around completely heartbroken. I was so damn mad at you when I found out what you did. I coulda’ spit nails. And the more time that went by, the madder I got.” Mom leaned in close, her facing going sad all of a sudden. “She was sick, Lucas. Real sick. It was obvious that pregnancy was not easy on her. But God bless that child, she tried.” Hearing my mom talk about how bad things were made me want to die a thousand times.

  “She and I were never close, you know that. She was such a good friend to you. I knew she hated me for everything I put you through, but that doesn’t mean I ever hated her. I’ve always held Emmy in a special place in my heart because of what she was for you. I always thought you two would end up married one day.” I hung my head in shame at my mother’s words. “It might sound bad, but I wasn’t surprised when I found out she was pregnant with your baby. But it did shock me when I found out you just up and left her. Especially the way you did it.”

  She reached over and placed her hand on top of mine. “I was mad, baby… but I understand why you did it.” I looked at her skeptically. “You were afraid you were him. And you were scared that if you stayed, you’d break Emmy, like he broke me.”

  I shot back, startled at how spot-on my mother was. Who was this amazing woman in front of me? “But you see, you and Emmy could never be like me and your dad. Not only because you aren’t your father, but because Emmy is strong. That girl is so strong, Luke, you wouldn’t believe it. She doesn’t have it in her to break the way I did. She might have had a rough go of it for a while, but that child pulled herself back up and powered through.”

  “You’re powering through, Ma. You’re strong too.”

  She looked at me with a sad smile. “Not strong like that, baby. The girl has gone through so much more sadness than any person deserves to in their whole life, and look at her. She still walks through this town with her head held high. She’s inspirational.”

  Sucking in a deep breath, I asked the question I was dreading the answer to. “Was it bad… the… when she lost…” I couldn’t even find the strength to continue.

  Mom twined her fingers with mine. “Yeah, baby. It was bad… for a while.”

  I felt the tears burning the back of my throat. “God, Ma. I’ve fucked up so bad. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fix it. She hates me.”

  Reaching up and cupping my face in her hands, my mom said something that would stick with me until the day I died. “She doesn’t hate you, baby. She loves you. And she’s mad as all hell about that. That just proves that you got something left to fight for. You’re the strongest man I know, Lucas. You fight for her. That girl became your other half the day we moved in this house. She’ll be your other half till the day you die, and you’ll be hers. You get her back, and y’all can finally start living your lives whole.”

  I left my mother’s house a little while later feeling better than I had in several days. Getting Emmy to forgive me was going to be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but my mom was right. I wasn’t complete without her. My life wouldn’t mean anything if she wasn’t in it. I had a plan but no one to help since all of my “friends” made it clear where I stood as far as Emmy was concerned. Jeremy and Gavin might not hate me as much as the others did, but it was still pretty evident that they didn’t think I was good enough for Emmy, not that I could blame them.

  The truth was, I wasn’t good enough for her.

  No man ever would be, but she was mine, and I was going to spend the rest of my life making her happy. I just had a feeling that outrunning sniper fire was easier than what I had to do next. Going to Savannah for help was like walking into a lion’s den wearing a meat suit, but I had to do what I had to do. Emmy was worth it.

  CHAPTER 27

  EMERSON

  My phone had been ringing off the hook for the past
week. Luke was relentless with his calls and texts. I almost considered changing my number, but knowing he was suffering just as much as I did all those years ago when I couldn’t get a hold of him made the constant ringing worth it. I deleted each text and voicemail without listening.

  I threw myself into the diner and worked so many hours that by the time I got home, I was so exhausted all I could do was fall into the bed and sleep until it was time to wake up and do it all over again. It wasn’t the healthiest way of handling things, but it still worked.

  When the bell over the door rang, I looked up to greet the next customer. “Mrs. Allen?” I asked as Luke’s mom came walking through the door. “How are you?” I walked up to the older woman and immediately realized something was different. Her smile was bright and I’d never seen her look so clear-eyed. She looked almost serene.

  “I’m good, sweetie, how are you?”

  I smiled in return, feeling her happiness rubbing off on me. “I’m doing okay. You look wonderful today. Did you do something different with your hair or something?”

  She reached up and ran her hand over her black hair, the streaks of gray making it look as if it was highlighted. “Oh, no, nothing different.”

  I tilted my head to the side and studied her more closely. “What did you do different?”

  She let out cheerful laugh and grabbed a hold of my hand. “Why don’t we have a seat and talk for a minute?”

  I followed her over to one of the tables in front of the window and sat across from her. Although she and I had never been close, I had grown up around her, so it was easy to see the change in her.