Cassidy had always been astounded by the tenderness in Alex’s touch. It was always soft and loving, no matter how playful or demanding it became. Making love with Alex was a paradox, a contrast, and complement of strength and gentleness, connection and desire, love and lust. It was intoxicating to them both no matter how many times they came together.
“Alex,” Cassidy cried when she felt Alex enter her.
Alex pulled Cassidy closer. She glanced up to meet Cassidy’s gaze and held Cassidy’s eyes without any hesitation in her touch. Alex felt her heart skip and her skin flush with excitement when Cassidy’s head fell back in response to the wave of sensation Alex was evoking from her body. Alex closed her eyes as Cassidy’s hands wove themselves through her hair and then deliberately searched out Alex to ground her.
Alex took Cassidy’s left hand in her right. Cassidy grasped on tightly, needing Alex to somehow tether her to the ground as she rose higher and higher. Alex caressed Cassidy’s hand with her thumb and teased her with a tentative kiss that steadily grew to circle Cassidy’s need. Cassidy’s hold tightened on Alex’s hand as her other hand grasped the sheets desperately. Watching Cassidy, feeling Cassidy’s body move, and hearing the sensual sounds that slipped from her lips was beginning to make Alex dizzy with desire. Her body had begun to move of its own accord in time with Cassidy’s.
Cassidy felt as if she were floating. Alex had lifted her to a precipice that left her breathless. She felt no inclination to urge Alex on. She would float happily as long as Alex wanted to keep her suspended in this place. When she finally fell, she knew that she would land in Alex’s waiting arms. This journey had only one destination. Knowing that had never diminished the intensity of the climb nor the fall. Cassidy felt Alex’s touch begin to grow more insistent, her teasing giving way to a palpable yearning.
“Alex,” Cassidy called to her wife just as an unexpected wave crested and pulled her under. “I love you,” Cassidy called desperately. “Alex…”
Alex held on to Cassidy firmly and guided Cassidy through another series of forceful waves. Gradually, the waves moved from tossing Cassidy about violently to rolling over her in gentle crashes. Finally, Cassidy’s eyes opened as the waves shifted again to a series of soothing ripples, the kind that raindrops often left in a stream. Alex held onto Cassidy until she felt Cassidy release a deep breath and her hands relax in time with the rest of her body. She kissed a pathway up Cassidy’s body until their eyes met.
Cassidy caressed Alex’s cheek. Alex’s eyes were a doorway to her soul, at least, they were for Cassidy. She searched the stormy blue eyes above her and sighed. “I love you,” Cassidy said.
“I know,” Alex replied. “Sometimes, Cass, I don’t know why you do. I’m just grateful that you do,” she confessed.
Cassidy pulled Alex into her arms, Alex’s head coming to rest on her breast. She pulled the elastic from Alex’s hair and prompted the soft wave of dark curls to fall into her hands. Alex closed her eyes and caressed Cassidy as Cassidy held her. “Do you want to talk about it?” Cassidy asked.
Alex sighed and nodded against Cassidy. She let Cassidy’s touch calm her as she began to replay Jonathan Krause’s call earlier that evening. “I’m not sure where to start…or how,” Alex admitted.
Cassidy kissed Alex’s head and stroked her back lovingly. “Whenever and however you need to,” Cassidy said compassionately.
Alex sucked in a nervous breath and released it uneasily. Instinctively, her hold on Cassidy intensified. “I think my father might be alive.”
***
Earlier that evening
“Pip,” Alex answered her phone. “How are things in the land of love?” she teased him. Alex’s playful nature dimmed in response to the eerie silence her comments were met with. “Jonathan?” she called to her older brother.
Krause swallowed hard. He had excused himself from the large parlor of Edmond Callier’s home, leaving father and daughter to speak freely in his absence. It had taken him nearly half an hour to muster the courage to call Alex. He had thought that he had prepared himself. It was odd, he thought. Jonathan Krause had witnessed death. He had, in more than a few instances, been death’s hand. He was familiar with the cruelty that life could often dispense. In the realm of his chosen career, lies, betrayals, death, even committing murder were all considered acceptable behaviors when circumstances warranted their need. Krause had been a party to all of it. He had even assisted in creating believable scenarios of death—just more lies.
He closed his eyes as he mentally berated himself. How many families had he watched mourn a loved one? How many times had he watched that loved one mourn the loss of their family at a distance? A new identity given seemed always to be met with little life and even less happiness. Perhaps his past had come now to haunt him. Krause could accept facing those demons. He had entered this life of his own will, on his own terms. Alex was different. Everything was different now for Jonathan Krause. He’d always felt alone, the outsider in his family. He had loved his mother deeply. But, in the circle of family gatherings, under the gaze of a demanding father, Krause had learned to grow cold on command. He had tried to please the man who had raised him. He had attempted with every fiber of his being to belong. His efforts had been fruitless. No words, no sentiments, and no promises had ever served to change the alienation of a young boy amid the people he was told he should trust the most. John Merrow had been his rock. His friendship with the former president had carried him through the worst of times in his childhood. As they grew, roles changed and expectations shifted. While the devotion between them remained, Jonathan Krause and John Merrow’s chosen paths paved the way for distance to creep between them. Krause had mourned the only man who he truly considered a brother. He had faced the pit of loneliness in his life and accepted it on its merits. It had been his doing after all. Then came Alex, a sister—his sister.
Krause fought off a wave of nausea as Alex called to him over the phone. Everything had changed. He could face these demons, perhaps even accept them. He deserved whatever he might be handed. Alex? Alex Toles reminded Krause repeatedly what and who he once had strived to become. She did not deserve this betrayal. How could he tell her? How does a person tell someone they love that they have been lied to in the cruelest of ways?
“Jonathan?” Alex called again with deepening concern.
“Alex,” he replied with a deep breath. “I don’t…”
Alex felt her heart rise and her stomach fall. “What happened? Eleana?” Alex began guessing.
“No,” Krause assured her. “Eleana is fine. She is with her father.”
“What is it?” Alex asked.
“Edmond believes in ghosts,” Krause said.
“You mean he believes in this ghost Claire has been chasing after?”
“Yes.”
“Do you?” Alex wondered.
Krause swallowed hard. “I’ve seen ghosts,” he replied. “In fact, I’ve created them, so, yes.”
Alex groaned. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Alex…What if…What if this ghost is someone we know. Someone that we…”
“Pip!”
“Fuck,” Krause mumbled. “He thinks it’s your….Edmond…He thinks our father might be alive.”
Alex froze. Her heart stopped for several beats and then sped erratically. “You were there,” she said. “You saw the….”
“I saw the casket,” Krause said. “I’ve seen many caskets, Alex.”
“This is insane. He’s dead,” Alex said flatly. She heard Krause sigh heavily. “Jonathan? Don’t tell me you believe this? Either Edmond is playing you or he’s lost his mind. My mother found him. I saw her face. I saw the…”
“I know,” Krause said.
“You know?” Alex barked. “What the fuck? You can’t seriously think…”
“Alex. Stop,” Krause said. “Think about it. Just think about everything you have learned this last year. Think about what you have seen…It makes sense.
”
Alex began kneading her temple forcefully. “How?” her words fell so softly through the phone line that Krause was not certain she meant to speak them at all.
“There are a number of ways,” he answered her honestly. “Look, it’s all speculation…”
“You don’t think it’s speculation,” she observed candidly.
“Your father…”
“Forgetting something?” Alex challenged Krause. “He’s your father too,” she reminded him more harshly than she had intended.
“By blood,” Krause replied stoically. He heard Alex sigh. “Alex,” Krause stopped to gather his thoughts.
“I’m sorry,” Alex said.
“No. I’m sorry.” Krause rubbed his eyes in frustration. He found himself wishing he could be with Alex—with his sister. This was not the kind of news that should be delivered over a phone line.
“You’re going to look for him,” Alex surmised.
“I have to,” he told her.
“Why?”
“Whoever it is…”
Alex chuckled caustically. “Yeah. Jonathan….I can’t leave. Not now, and not…My mother…if this…”
“I know,” he said. “Alex, I…”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I hope it’s not…”
“Yeah,” Alex said. She collapsed her head on her hand. “Are you going to be all right? If you find him, I mean…If it is him.”
“I’ll be fine,” Krause promised.
Alex laughed. She could detect the tremor in her brother’s voice. “You really should be better at lying after all those years as a spook,” she teased him.
Krause chuckled uncomfortably. Few people would have detected his uncertainty—very few. The truth was, the majority of Krause’s trepidation in seeking this “ghost” surrounded his family, namely Alex. The truth escaped him without any conscious thought. “If he is alive, I might kill him for hurting you so much.”
“You’re past that,” she reminded him. “But, thanks.”
“Yeah, well…and last I checked we were both spooks.”
“Don’t remind me,” Alex said. “Jonathan,” she began seriously. “Be careful.”
“Worried about me?” he asked lightly.
Alex swallowed hard. She and Krause had a unique way of expressing their affection and emotion toward one another. Generally, it entailed playful jabs. Alex was not feeling particularly humorous nor playful. She pinched the bridge of her nose and spoke evenly. “No matter what he says,” she began, “and, no matter what he does. If you find him….It changes nothing between us,” she said flatly.
Krause smiled at the determination in Alex’s voice. “Nothing will change that, Alex. Not now.”
“Be careful,” she warned him again.
“It might not even be him,” he pointed out the obvious. “Besides, you and I are too old to be afraid of ghosts.”
Alex shook her head. “Just…”
“I’ll be careful.”
“Jonathan…If you find…”
“Alex, I promise you I will find out if he is alive. If he is, I will find out why,” Krause said. Alex could not answer. “Alex?”
“I need to go,” she confessed. “Be safe,” she said again as she disconnected the call before he could respond.
“Son of a bitch!” Krause screamed and hurled his phone across the courtyard.
A gentle grasp of fingertips encompassed his wrist. “Jonathan,” Eleana called to him cautiously.
“I’ll kill him,” he muttered.
“No, you won’t,” she said assuredly, taking a step in front of him. She lifted her hand to his cheek. “You won’t because you love her.” Krause closed his eyes tightly and shook his head. “You know, you might try telling her that. She is your sister.”
“She knows,” he said quietly.
“Yes. I’m sure that’s true. That doesn’t mean that she couldn’t use to hear it,” Eleana told him,
Krause looked down at the brown eyes looking up at him. “Maybe so,” he confessed.
Eleana placed her head against his chest and closed her eyes. She wondered when he would learn. She inhaled his scent as Krause wrapped his arms around her. The words were so difficult for him. Eleana wondered silently if perhaps something within her was flawed. It seemed everyone she loved struggled with the mere concept of loving at all. What was it, she wondered, that frightened the strongest people she knew about love? Why did they seem to see it as weakness? Eleana held onto the man holding her more tightly. She could sense his turmoil.
“I do love you,” she said.
Krause rested his head on top of Eleana’s. “I know,” he said. “I just will never understand why.”
Eleana nodded against him. “Maybe you should stop questioning why so much all of the time.”
Krause snickered. Eleana was not one to mince words. He understood she was not only referring to their relationship, whatever relationship they were attempting to build. And, she was right. He knew it. He wasn’t certain he would ever be able to understand why, why anyone would love him. His father hadn’t. His mother left him suddenly and without the truth. His brothers were strangers. His best friend had often questioned his methods. Krause could not look on himself with pride. There was simply too much he wished that he could change, and that gave all of his uncertainty free reign in his mind. “I wish it were that easy,” he admitted.
Eleana pulled away slightly and looked up at him. “It gets easier once you start,” she told him. “You have to start somewhere.”
Krause smiled at her. Eleana was beautiful, and not only because of her physical appearance. Somehow, even in the midst of so much misfortune and deceit, somehow Eleana remained gentle enough to see the possibility of everything. It made his heart ache to protect her from the inevitable truths that might taint her youthful ideals. “I suppose I do,” he said before leaning in and placing a tender kiss on her lips.
“We’ll find him,” she said as he pulled away slowly.
“That’s what I am afraid of.”
***
Cassidy listened silently as Alex recounted her conversation with Krause. She felt the warmth of Alex’s tears bathe her skin and stroked Alex’s hair.
“I can’t…Why would he do that?” Alex asked hoarsely.
Cassidy placed a kiss on Alex’s head and allowed her lips to linger. “I don’t know,” she confessed.
“I could never do that,” Alex said as her tears continued to fall. “What do I tell Mom?”
Cassidy was at a loss. “Nothing,” she finally replied. “Not unless you have to.”
“It will kill her,” Alex observed fearfully. “I can’t risk losing…”
“No one is losing anyone,” Cassidy promised.
“Jonathan…”
“Pip will handle it,” Cassidy said.
“I don’t know, Cass. You didn’t hear his voice. It is his father too.”
“Mmmm.”
“What?” Alex asked.
Cassidy shifted lower on the bed and took Alex’s face in her hands. “I don’t think it is facing your father that Pip fears,” she said. Alex’s confusion was evident. Cassidy wiped the tears from Alex’s cheeks. “Pip loves you, Alex.”
“He’s…”
“He is your brother,” Cassidy said with a knowing smile. “Just like Nick, but different. I understand. You love them both. But, each is different. You aren’t betraying Nicky to love Pip.”
Alex huffed. Sometimes, Cassidy’s ability to read her unsettled Alex slightly. It was true, her younger brother had struggled with Krause’s entrance into their family. For a while, Alex had assumed that Nick’s stand-offish manner stemmed from his anger at their father. Nick had always been close to Helen. Over time, and with a bit of hinting from her mother and Cassidy, Alex began to understand that Nick felt some pangs of jealousy over her relationship with Krause. Now, that plagued her mind. How would she explain to her younger brother that their father was still alive? If
he was, how could Alex break that news to her mother? She’d witnessed the devastation in her mother’s eyes the day her father had died. Fear coursed through Alex now. Too many questions that she could not answer flooded her thoughts. It mattered little that the man Krause was pursuing gave them both life. Alex wondered what any man capable of faking his own death could be capable of. If Nicolaus Toles was alive, Alex was not at all sure she could look at the man as her father ever again.
No matter how much Krause had tried, regardless of hours and years of his training, Alex had learned something important in her time with her older brother. A compassionate person could learn to mask their emotions, but they would never be able to banish them. She had seen that in her older brother, in Edmond Callier, even in Claire Brackett. Alex could not begin to fathom how Krause would react if he actually was forced to confront Nicolaus Toles, a man he had known simply as The Broker for years.
“It’s not just Nicky,” Alex said. “I wish he could understand. I wish he would let Jonathan…Now…I just…”
“Alex, you are his hero— still—after all these years, Nick sees you as his protector. He doesn’t want to lose you. You know?”
“He could never lose me,” Alex said flatly. “It’s not a competition,” she said and then shook her head. “But, this…Jonathan…I don’t want to lose…”
“I know that too,” Cassidy said. “Stop trying to cross bridges you haven’t even come to yet,” she said with a compassionate smile.
Alex moved and reversed their positions, pulling Cassidy into her arms. “I could never do that.”
“What?” Cassidy wondered.
“These things, Cass…My father, John...If he is…If my father is really out there, I don’t know that I can…”
Cassidy stretched and placed her fingers over Alex’s lips. “Stop. Don’t,” she instructed Alex. Cassidy replaced the fingers resting on Alex’s lips with her own. She kissed Alex lovingly. “Quiet,” Cassidy whispered as she lightly caressed Alex’s forehead with her fingertips. “Always thinking,” she smiled knowingly.
Conspiracy (Alex and Cassidy Book 4) Page 7
