by Ashley Logan
Rolling over to stare at the wall, I hadn't expected him to laugh, but he chuckled quietly to himself before he sighed.
"Go to sleep, or tomorrow I will take away all your new toys."
Curling up immediately, I hoped I would not disobey.
CHAPTER NINE
I slept too lightly. Easily woken at Pachenko's quiet movements, I stayed still in the hopes he wouldn't notice me watching him. His powerful arms pumped like pistons as he pushed up from the floor time after time. The rest of him was a perfect plank and I'd have bet he felt as hard as wood to touch. He was pure muscle.
I had never before seen him maintaining his physique, but after watching him silently transition from one exercise to another, I quickly concluded this was his routine. He moved very quietly for someone so large and I wondered if he would sometimes sneak up on his victims, or if he just shot them and was done.
He did pull ups, by holding onto one of the thick pipes that ran across the ceiling, and I hoped they were strong enough to hold his weight. I also wondered if his muscles were so thick as to be bulletproof themselves. That would be helpful in his line of business, I imagined. The scars on his body suggested he had survived a probable attempt on his life, though the story was unclear.
Perhaps there were several stories there.
I'd not seen him without a top on before. I couldn't make out his tattoos properly in the dim light either, and they gnawed at my curiosity. I felt certain they would tell me something about him as a person.
He still wore his jeans, but his feet were as bare as his broad chest. He was hypnotizing to watch. Human and yet... machine. Flesh and power. Raw strength.
The only times I had felt powerful in my life had been when baring my own flesh. I could make a man open his wallet and keep it open just by stripping down and moving a certain way. It almost always got me what I wanted - money. Money was freedom.
Now money was useless. Freedom was freedom and there was nothing more important, or more out of reach.
Sadly, my flesh was powerless here. Watching Pachenko's hard body glistening with sweat, I thought that probably I was a lot more attracted to him than he was to me. Why else would he not have touched me when I was on this ship for no other purpose?
He dropped from the pipe suddenly. It completely broke the flow of his movement and I was pulled from my daze.
"How long have you been awake?" he asked, openly breathing hard now. I wondered if he'd actually been trying to breathe quietly so as not to wake me.
I felt my cheeks warm a little in the dim light. "A while."
"You pretend to sleep? Why?"
"I was not pretending. I just did not want to annoy you."
"You lie."
Sitting up, I shook my head. "I was not pretending."
"No. But annoying me is not the reason you stayed quiet."
Shrinking a little, I hugged my knees to my chest.
"So?" he pressed.
"You are right. I was quiet so I could keep watching. You are... interesting and I think maybe you would stop if you know I am enjoying."
I had not wanted to admit that out loud, especially to the man himself. I was fairly certain there was a mental condition allocated to people who started appreciating their captors and I may have been teetering on the edge of it.
He seemed somewhat alarmed, and maybe confused. It was hard to tell from the slight twitch in his features before his jaw clenched and stilled them. I quickly moved the conversation on to keep from exposing myself further.
"Do you do that every day?"
"Yes."
Grabbing his clean clothes, he shut himself in the bathroom.
Eventually he reappeared showered, and dressed, and just as handsome as he'd always been. Without another word, he left me sitting alone on his bed again.
Flopping backwards, I threw my arm over my face and groaned. This scenario was certainly not what I'd been daydreaming about when he'd smiled across the docks at me. Sitting up at the sound of the locks opening, I couldn't decide where to look when he re-entered.
Turned out I needn't have worried. He avoided looking at me entirely as he set down a fresh bottle of water and some food. Hovering a moment, he didn't turn to face me, only left again, taking the older food and having said nothing at all.
I studied my meals for the day from afar, but quickly jumped from the bed at the sight of something new. A bar of chocolate. The one thing I'd been craving for days was right in front of me. Ripping it open, I jammed three pieces in my mouth at once before I could force myself to slow down.
I didn't know if he meant it as a treat, or if it was part of my rations for some other reason, but the spirit bolstering chocolate scored him several more points on the handsome and restrained kidnapper scale.
Pachenko was becoming very difficult to hate and it worried me no end.
THE DAYS WENT ON. QUIETLY. Pachenko made himself scarce again, returning late and only for sleep. I was glad, though I continued to feel guilty about taking his bed. Especially when his neck was getting stiffer every time I saw him.
I was usually awake when he returned, considering it was the most interesting part of my day, and it was definitely taking him longer and longer to deflate each night after coming through the door. I was beginning to suspect that was because of me, but the way he held his neck when the rest of him eventually relaxed, spoke loudly of his discomfort.
The next night, before he came in, I made myself a bed on top of the desk. It was small, but it would do.
Waking up in mid-flight, I fought to find something solid and gasped as I landed on the bed. I had to wrestle with the blanket in order to sit up.
"Stop it!" I cried once I could fix him with a hard glare. "You are sore. Use your bed."
"It's occupied." His gruff tone invited no discussion, but I scooted to the edge of the bed, ready to return to the nest I'd made.
"I will sleep on the desk."
His large hand held my shoulder and kept me on the bed. "You will not."
"Fine. The floor."
Removing his hand from my shoulder, he held a warning finger right in my face. "No."
Grabbing at my hair in frustration, I groaned and flopped back on the bed long enough for him to back off.
"Fine. I will use the bed!"
Hopping up, I bounced around on it. "I will do this while you sleep with a crooked neck," I cried as I jumped in circles and figure eights. "I like you crooked. You are much more pleasant. You are right to keep sleeping that way. Good night Pachenko."
Actually enjoying myself, I didn't see him coming, but I spun around when I felt him leap onto the bed. He bounced next to me, having to bend over much more than I did, so as not to hit his head on the ceiling pipes.
"This bed is not as good for my neck as you said Saskia," he said with a grin.
I stopped bouncing. Unable to quite believe what I was seeing, I nodded.
"I think maybe you are too tall to use the bed this way Pachenko. Maybe you should try lying on it."
Scowling, he stepped down onto the floor again.
"The bed is yours. I gave it to you."
Taking a deep breath, I looked at the tension in his shoulders and the dark circles under his eyes that seemed to be almost black now.
"I will share it with you. You will sleep here tonight, and I will sleep here tomorrow. You have slept in the nasty chair for weeks. I will be fine in it for one night."
"You will sleep in a bed," he said firmly. "I insist."
Sinking to my knees with a sigh, I climbed under the blankets and huddled as close to the wall as possible.
"You may sleep over there," I said, pointing to the mostly empty bed. "There is room to share."
Swiping the hat from his head, he threw it on the desk and ran a hand through his hair, wincing as he shifted his neck in the wrong direction. Groaning, he paced the room a while, staring at the empty bed space as if it were deadly.
"I promise I will not kill you in the nig
ht. I did not think my nail scissors were big enough to stab through your muscles, but since you took them off me I cannot even trim your toenails. You are quite safe." Turning to face the wall, I decided to leave it at that.
"I wasn't considering my safety," he grunted as the mattress shifted under his weight. A pleasurable moan escaped him as he relaxed onto the bed, but just moments later, he was securing me into the blankets like a swaddled baby.
"You'll be safer in there," he said by way of explanation when I glared at him.
"I am already too hot," I complained.
"Hot is okay. You'll like hot better." With that he rolled over and sighed. "Have you done enough today that you'll sleep? You have been sleeping better, yes?"
"Yes. I am exercising. Like you." I wiggled a little to get more comfortable.
"Like me?" he asked, his tone sounding amused.
"No. Not quite like you. Like me. But exercise. Yes. It makes the day go faster."
"Hmm." He exhaled loudly and shifted around some. "Do you sing when I'm gone too?"
I could tell from his voice that he was facing me now. Swallowing hard, I kept my eyes to the wall and tried to relax.
"Sometimes."
"So, you have time away from Saskia?"
"Yes," I admitted quietly, not sure that I should ever let my guard down to Pachenko, or myself.
"Good."
I frowned into the dark. "Good?"
"It's good to remember who you are. It keeps you from getting lost."
His voice seemed so sad that I turned to see his face. In the dim light, I met his gaze for a moment before his eyes hardened.
"Go to sleep Saskia."
"Yes Pachenko."
Turning back to face the wall, I wondered who Pachenko really was, and if he felt that he was losing himself.
I SLEPT BETTER THAN I thought I would, sharing a bed with a killer. Waking briefly as I felt him rise, I watched him begin his silent workout and must have dozed off again, because when I woke for the day properly, he was gone.
He returned with food, and I asked him if his neck felt better today. He grunted in affirmation and left again, returning only to sleep.
I'd wait up to talk to him because he was the only person I could talk to, but he was usually moody and didn't appreciate conversation. The voices I sometimes heard through the bathroom vent held no meaning to me. I wondered if I should ask Pachenko to teach me some Russian, but Keeristorm's warning about what these people spoke of kept me from asking.
I got through the long days by experimenting with my limited wardrobe, trying new hairstyles, stretching and practicing my old ballet routines - sometimes letting Saskia practice hers, and occasionally I just swung from the pipes. I could not do pull ups like Pachenko, but I liked to get from one side of the room to the other pretending I could not touch the floor for some reason.
Lava. Shark infested water. Quicksand.
It was childish, but it kept me from thinking about the more adult things looming over me.
The hardest part of being alone was the silence.
Talking to myself seemed unhealthy, but I would sing quietly to myself, especially when I danced. It was the only music I had to keep the rhythm.
When I sang and danced, I could lose myself in a good way. I could escape my situation, but still be precisely me. There was merit in Pachenko's words about needing to remember who I was.
I felt stronger for doing so.
I liked to imagine a huge window in the side of the cabin that I could look through while I danced. I had so often drifted in my dance classes - much to my teacher's annoyance. She was forever scolding me about my daydreaming. It was useful now though, as I imagined trees swaying in the wind as I myself swayed and balanced.
The songs I chose to sing would often inspire the view I'd imagine for myself. Sometimes, if I closed my eyes, I could picture myself surrounded by that setting and it would feel so real I could almost smell it.
Inhaling deeply whilst dancing in a forest one day, I gave myself a fright when my imagination ran away with me and I whirled around to find a bear behind me.
Not a bear.
Pachenko.
He stared at me, his face unreadable. Blinking a few times, he stepped to the bathroom door and shut it.
"They must never hear you sound happy," he warned. "Keep this door shut when you sing."
Still in shock, I just stared at him as I slowly lowered from my toes.
"I was not expecting you so soon."
Ignoring my comment, he studied me closely.
"You can sing in English."
I rubbed my arm as I lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. "Yes. Is why I can speak it better than my school friends."
His eyes traveled my body. "You are both a talented singer and a ballerina?"
I could only nod.
"What is your name?"
"S-Saskia."
"Saskia does not sing, so I think Saskia was not dancing today."
Maybe not just then, but I was feeling very relieved that he had not surprised me earlier, when I had stripped off my clothes and danced naked about the cabin.
"She was dancing."
Pachenko shook his head. "I did not see Saskia just now. Saskia does not sing. Saskia does not dance."
"She does dance."
Squinting at me a moment, he cocked his head to one side. "You're getting better at lying."
"I am not lying."
Folding his arms over his chest, Pachenko seemed unconvinced. "Show me then."
A protest caught in my throat. I struggled to breathe as I thought of dancing naked for Pachenko. My face felt hot and cold all at once and I felt like I might fall over. I reached out to steady myself, using his chair.
He puffed air out his nose. "You are scared. You know you should not have lied."
"I did not lie."
Frowning, he looked me up and down. "Then show me how Saskia dances."
I didn't move.
"Dance!"
Flinching, I nodded and forced myself to release the chair as I glanced at the bathroom.
"May I please have a moment to prepare?"
"Saskia needs a moment?" he asked, laughing. "She does sound like a performer."
Shaking his head, he sank into his chair as I slipped away from it.
"Forget it," he said, taking off his woolen hat and running a hand through his hair. "I liked your dancing. Not that you'd have shown it to me if I hadn't surprised you in the act. You're not lying because Saskia is obedient and will of course dance if I tell her to. The dance won't be the same though, will it? I doubt I'd like Saskia's dancing no matter how hard she tried."
Releasing the breath I was holding, I relaxed again.
"I am glad you do not want to see. I was scared that you would like Saskia's dancing. She is very good at what she does, but I am glad you missed her show."
Sitting up straighter, Pachenko regarded me carefully. "Saskia was dancing too?"
I nodded. "Yes. Is what I said."
"You weren't just stalling? You were really going to perform?"
Frowning, I leaned against the bathroom door. "What is stalling?"
"Wasting my time. Making me wait. I thought you were trying to get out of dancing for me."
I shook my head. "I did not mean to waste time. I needed the time to be very much Saskia for what you wanted."
Leaning back in the chair, he nodded. "Okay. Go and get Saskia. I will watch her."
My blood ran cold again. "A-are you sure?"
His eyes narrowed as they took me in again. "Yes?" he said, sounding uncertain. Continuing to watch me, he frowned, his shoulders tensing. "Is there a problem?"
"No Pachenko. No problem. Saskia will dance for you soon." Raising my clenched jaw, I slipped inside the bathroom, kicking myself for somehow landing back in the terrifying position I'd earlier managed to escape.
Breathing deeply, I let my hair out and ran my fingers through it, wondering if I should put on Saskia's
make up. It had always helped when I was at the X club. Dancing behind Saskia's mask made it easier to pretend I was her.
Quickly applying some make up in the mirror, I watched myself disappear. Storing my true self safely away from anything that may come from Saskia's dancing, I felt braver and bolder. I was more Saskia than I had been since stepping aboard the Moskva-Liis.
Hair and makeup done, I studied my outfit. I removed my leggings and bra, leaving me in lacy underpants and my loose t-shirt that hung off one shoulder. Not dazzling, but I could easily assume the likely outcome of doing a striptease for a sex trafficker and being more sexy seemed unnecessary. I was definitely about to find out if Pachenko liked women.
Shuddering, I gave myself a quick pep-talk that may have included bizarre affirmations of my present circumstances, such as telling myself that if I had to have sex with a kidnapper, it may as well be the handsome one that likes my singing and gives me chocolate. Better him than the man Keeristorm had been given to.
Shuddering again, I said a silent prayer that Pachenko would be gentle with me and cracked the bathroom door open.
"Saskia does not sing, so I have no music, Pachenko. It may seem strange. You could wear your ear music, maybe? I will not hear it, but it might be better than none."
"Okay," he said from across the room. I could hear him patting down his pockets. "What kind of song should I play?"
"Not your angry music," I replied quickly. "Do you have something nicer? With a beat?"
He muttered something about angry music and sighed. "Okay. I have one ready. When should I start it?"
"You can start now and I will come out when you say."
There was a pause in which I was able to pull Saskia's shields around myself before he spoke.
"I am ready Saskia."
Taking a deep breath, I opened the bathroom door all the way and stepped out as if I were Saskia stepping onto a stage.
Pachenko's mouth fell open and he dropped the little iPod. Scrambling to retrieve it, he didn't take his huge eyes off me as I moved about the cabin flaunting my blatant femininity.
His mouth moved, but no words came out, but his eyebrows arched as he leaned back and gripped the arms of his chair as if on some high-speed ride. I bent, and flexed, and disposed of my t-shirt as I danced for him.
