by C. J. Miller
A hot shower together played on his mind. It would be faster and satisfy his carnal desire for her, but Susan had meant alone. He hadn’t bridged the gap between them and he wouldn’t set himself up to be rejected. “Make it fast. Very, very fast.”
Susan scampered to the upstairs bathroom and Brady took over the bathroom on the main floor. A quick shower washed away lake algae and debris. He found a first-aid kit in the bathroom and treated his arm where the bullet had grazed him. It had started to clot, a good sign. As long as it didn’t become infected, he’d be fine. He’d had worse injuries in the field and hadn’t been deemed unfit for duty.
He dug through Reilly’s closet for warm clothes and found a pair of pants to cover his leg injury. Brady felt better the moment it was covered. He didn’t want Susan asking more questions. He didn’t want to discuss his failings as a pararescueman or as a man. He borrowed a duffel bag and tossed in more essentials.
Brady’s phone rang and he glanced at the display. Lieutenant General Tim Ambrose. Had Ambrose heard what had happened at the marina? It wouldn’t surprise him if the lieutenant general had eyes and ears everywhere, especially when it concerned his son. Brady didn’t answer the call. What was the point of fielding more threats? Brady wouldn’t walk away from Susan, not when she needed him more than ever. Brady slipped his phone into his pocket and made a mental note to ditch it somewhere and get a throwaway prepaid that would make him and Susan more difficult to track.
Susan appeared in the doorway to the bedroom. “I feel guilty, like I’m stealing. Should I leave them a note?” She was shivering. From cold or fear? It hadn’t escaped his awareness that she was understandably upset.
“No, no note. No way for anyone to track us. Reilly and Haley will understand.”
Susan stepped into the room and Brady’s libido switched from nil to rampant. The white towel wrapped around her body fell mid-thigh and her wet hair hung down her back. Bare shapely legs and smooth, toned arms. Brady forced his eyes to Reilly’s clothes. This wasn’t the time to pull her into his arms and allow lust to take over.
Susan entered the walk-in closet and skimmed through Haley’s outfits, hangers sliding along the bar as she looked at each item. “Haley has some nice-looking clothes here. I feel bad taking something.”
She smelled fresh, like soap and citrus. Brady didn’t let that tempt him.
“Haley won’t mind. She’s been through rough times, too. Pick something warm. Preferably layers,” Brady said. Not a clingy dress or a short skirt. He needed her covered, for her health and for his sanity.
“Keep your back turned. I’m trying something on.”
Temptation was standing inches from him. Out of respect for her and deference to her emotional state, Brady marshaled his desire. He wouldn’t turn, he wouldn’t look and he wouldn’t let lust get the better of him. Listening to the swish of fabric, Brady stamped out the mental image of her naked.
“Do I look ridiculous? I feel strange. Haley wears her clothes tighter. And she’s taller. Do I look like a dwarf?” Susan asked.
Brady turned and drank in the sight of her. The jeans conformed to her body, accentuating the leanness of her figure and the curves she had in the right places. The shirt Susan had chosen was a good fit. He stepped closer and took her elbow, pivoting her. “Looks great to me.” He would have preferred thick ski pants. Or baggy sweat pants. An outfit that wouldn’t call attention to her incredibly feminine figure.
Susan pulled her arm away, alarm in her eyes. “Come on, don’t play around.”
He’d been trying to steel himself against the surge of desire, to pretend like he felt nothing for her. She’d still recognized the emotion on his face or maybe it was his voice that had given him away. Playing around wasn’t what he had in mind. Not exactly. Touching her had ignited thoughts of taking her into his arms and making love to her. Needing each other now didn’t resolve the compounded emotional problems they had. He knew it. He didn’t want to accept it. His brain toyed with the idea of testing the waters. He suspected the physical connection was still there.
He took her hand and spun her to face him, bringing her body to his. “Tell me what you’re thinking. This was a rough night. If you want to talk about it, I can listen.”
She pushed at his chest. “I’m fine. Really, I’m keeping it together.”
“I can see that.” Brady could also read the worry and fear on her face and sense the unsteady emotions simmering a few millimeters beneath her careful control. Her courage and tenacity was something he’d always admired about her.
Susan licked her lower lip and lifted her head. “I’m disappointed. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be at the marina tonight. I thought I would get on the boat and remember everything. I thought we’d find something that would help us.”
The visit to the boat hadn’t been a loss. “We might have found something to help us. We’ll have to see what plays out.”
Susan frowned mightily. “More questions. That’s all I have from tonight. And you acting like this confuses me.” She stepped away from him, and he let his hands drop, giving her the space she wanted.
“I’m trying to be a friend.” After his past behavior and what she’d been through, friendship was the most she’d want from him.
An injured shadow passed over her face. “Be a friend and keep to a safe distance. I’ve already been clobbered by you. Twice. I don’t need to go another round.”
“Twice?” After they’d broken up, he’d made it a clean break.
Hurt flickered across her face. “You broke up with me and then I came to you, wanting to be a friend, wanting to be there for you while you recovered in the hospital and you didn’t want me.”
It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted her. A part of him had always wanted her. He didn’t want anyone to see him as weak and pathetic as he’d been. Especially not Susan. “You misunderstood my actions.”
She folded her arms over her chest. “I misunderstood? Then explain it to me. Help me understand.”
Were they fighting again? He sensed an argument hinged on his words. “I want you to be happy. I’m not the man who can make you happy. When you visited me in the hospital, I wasn’t in a place to be a friend to you or anyone.”
She gave him a look of complete incredulity. “You’re right. I don’t understand that.”
How was he bungling this? Clearing the air would be good for both of them.
“You want a husband and a house and children and a white picket fence. I can’t give you those things. When you came to see me in the hospital, I wasn’t in a place to deal with us.” To deal with her relationship with Justin. To deal with her seeing him broken and fragile. To address the wreckage that was their relationship. It hadn’t seemed worth it to rehash that baggage. He’d had trouble living with himself and his injuries. To this day, he had trouble with it.
“You don’t get to decide what I do and don’t want. I’m thrilled to know dealing with me is such a burden. That my friendship is worthless to you.”
That wasn’t what he’d said and if that was what she’d heard, he hadn’t meant it that way.
“You aren’t a burden and your friendship isn’t worthless.” Nothing about her was worthless. She was loyal and courageous and she saw the best in people. A lesser woman wouldn’t have tried to be a friend to him after he was injured.
She narrowed her eyes as if trying to decide if he was lying. “You’re helping me because you think I can help Reilly. What if that turns out not to be true?”
Brady wouldn’t consider it. He would find a way to clear Reilly’s name. He might be useless in other areas of his life, but he knew Susan. He knew how to talk to her. He could get inside her thoughts and help her remember. They used to have great conversations post-coitus. Lying in his arms, she would talk about her artwork, her life and her hopes for the future. He had lov
ed listening to her.
The idea of pulling her into bed and letting the afterglow of sex coax the memories from her lodged in his mind. “Don’t doubt yourself. I’m not only helping you because my brother is involved. I’m helping you because...” He wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence. Because he’d always felt a connection to Susan? Because he didn’t want anything bad to happen to her? Because the thought of someone harming her enraged him like nothing else could? “Because it’s the Truman way to help someone in need.” To do whatever he could to keep her safe.
What would she say if he suggested getting into bed? When they’d kissed earlier, he’d sensed something inside her. Desperation, loneliness and fear. Not the platform from which he wanted to launch a successful sexual experience with her. Could he charm her to a place where she felt safe, comfortable and open to making love and talking with him? Would that dislodge her hidden memories? She’d be furious if she discovered his motive, or at least his partial motive. Guilt struck him for thinking about using sex to get inside her head, but it might be the only way to unlock those memories.
“Don’t doubt myself? You should listen to your own advice,” she said.
He flinched. She’d seen his weaknesses and his uncertainties about his abilities. Insecurity quashed his thoughts of sex with Susan. She wouldn’t be interested. “We’ll figure this out. You and I, when we put our minds to it, are one amazing team.
“If we were such a good team, why did you give up on us?” Susan asked, setting her hands on her hips.
Brady jammed a frustrated hand through his hair. He hated that an argument could erupt between them this quickly. He didn’t have the answers and he didn’t have the words to make it better.
“I didn’t give up on us. I realized we couldn’t make it long term. I was wasting your time.”
Susan pinched her lips together and glared at him.
He closed the distance between them and set his hands on her shoulders. They had been a great team. They’d had good times together and had been inseparable when he was in Denver. When she was close to him, he had trouble recalling the reasons they’d broken up.
He wanted to erase the anger and sadness from her face. Anything was better than her anger. The urge to kiss her strengthened in his veins. If his lips touched hers, flames would ignite as strong as they once had. One kiss, one hot, deep, lingering kiss. He knew how she’d taste. He knew exactly how she’d move against him. Knowing that didn’t diffuse the mystery or temper his desire. It made him hungrier.
Memories simmered in his blood. Making love to her for the first time. Waking up with her tucked against him. Surprising her after work with flowers. Susan surprising him by meeting him at the airport when he’d returned from overseas.
On the heels of those happy memories, the most difficult one: the first time he’d realized Susan had wanted him to propose. He’d known he couldn’t give her the life she wanted. He’d been scheduled to leave for another tour the next week. He hadn’t known if he’d return. He hadn’t known when he’d next see her. He couldn’t make promises about the future. Those thoughts had worked at him until he’d come to one conclusion: no matter how much he loved her, he had to let her go. He’d been wrecked over the decision. He hadn’t seen another way to make her happy.
But he wasn’t in the military anymore. Could he give her the life she wanted? Was it possible, even with his injury, to be the man she needed?
Susan whipped her face away from him staring at the closet wall. “Wasting my time? Just when I think you can’t hurt me, you find new and fresh ways.”
It hadn’t been his intention to hurt her during any moment of their relationship. “Susan, you have to understand.”
She balled her fists at her sides. “Why do I have to understand? Why can’t I write you off along with all the other jerks in the world?”
He didn’t have a good answer. He had been a jerk to her. He had hurt her. He didn’t have the right explanation and he hated that.
He didn’t want to be just another jerk to her. She had enough of those in her life. He kissed the top of her head, trying to calm her. Being so close to her, the smell of her hair broke his control. He wanted more.
Brady brought his mouth to hers and captured her lips in a fierce and demanding kiss. After several seconds, her shoulders relaxed and she parted her lips, opening her mouth to his. He sank into the kiss, willing her to understand. He had always wanted what was best for her. He wanted her to be happy and he was man enough to admit he couldn’t give her what she needed and what she deserved.
His hands tightened around her waist, holding her to him. In a flood, sensual memories pounded into him. His body remembered exactly how this had felt, and reacted by settling into a supreme sense of rightness.
A sigh escaped Susan’s lips and Brady forked his fingers into the back of her hair. He needed something to do with his hands, something to keep them from reaching for the hem of her shirt and pulling it over her head. The intensity of this kiss could break the barriers to sex and Susan wasn’t ready for that. She was grieving and scared and those weren’t the conditions he wanted if he slept with her.
His body flared with heat and the logical half of his mind commanded him to slow down. She had been through a lot. Too much. This was blowing off steam. This was releasing some of the raw emotion pent up inside her. This was giving her something to think about, a distraction. A hot, steamy distraction.
For him, a test. An exploration. An explanation. Seeing how they—how she—reacted. This kiss could creep into regret territory if it went much further.
Though his hands and lips protested, Brady pulled away and retreated a step. Susan had the slightly dazed expression of a woman who had been thoroughly and completely kissed. She hadn’t expected him to stop. For that matter, he hadn’t expected to stop that abruptly.
Brady took a deep breath and cooled his thoughts and threw cold water on his libido.
She brought her fingers to her lips. He ran a hand over his unshaven face and noticed the pinked skin around her mouth. He reached his thumb to touch her face. “I’m sorry. I should have been gentler.”
She turned her head away from his hand. “No, you were...fine.”
Fine? “I never stopped wanting you.”
“That’s refreshing, Brady.” Her anger cut into him. “But wanting someone and being reliable and loyal are different things. All I’ve gotten from this is that sex with you would be great, but unfulfilling on a whole other level.”
The sex would be good, but she had it right that he couldn’t fulfill her needs. Not before and not in his current state. Even so, it pained him to hear her say it aloud. “I’m trying to explain things and making it more confusing,” he said.
“Yes, you are. I don’t get why you kiss me and then pull away. What are you afraid will happen?”
“That we’ll sleep together and it will be for the wrong reasons.”
“Tell me the right reasons,” Susan said.
Was this a test? “That we both want to sleep together. That’s it’s not because we’re lonely or angry or confused.” Or because under the right circumstances, she’d relax and maybe even remember something important.
Susan stared at him. “With so much history between us, I don’t know if those conditions will ever align.”
Then they wouldn’t sleep together. He wanted to sleep with her and it was a bonus that he believed she’d let down her guard and relax so the memories would flow. That she’d captivated him and he’d kissed her spoke to their chemistry, but not good judgment. “We should get moving.”
They couldn’t stay with Reilly and they wanted to avoid involving other family or friends. Checking into a hotel or motel would put them on the radar and until Brady knew the full scope of whom he was dealing with and how far their resources stretched, he was erring on the side
of caution. They’d have to get creative.
He and Susan were on their own. He’d rip a page from his Special Forces playbook and stay off the grid for a while, at least until they had a plan.
“Where is it safe to go? What about your arm? Did it stop bleeding? And your knee? How are you feeling?” Susan asked.
His arm was feeling better, and his knee, well, that never stopped aching. “Both are manageable.”
Susan frowned. “Brady? Where can we go now?”
She wanted answers. He grappled for a plan while trying to sound confident. “Connor has a cabin in Winter Park.” It wasn’t a luxury cabin, but it would be equipped with the basics and allow them to stay safe while they looked over the items they’d taken from the boat and planned their next maneuver. “He has internet access in his cabin piggybacked to the network of a nearby resort. We can track what’s developing in the news and do some research without being traced.”
Connor’s cabin was located outside Arapaho National Forest near several ski resorts and clusters of vacation houses. It was small and plain enough not to attract attention. Skiers staying in nearby cabins would spend most of their time on the slopes, and if he and Susan stayed inside the cabin, they could go unnoticed for a few days. Ideal in one way and devastating in another. Brady didn’t trust their chemistry wouldn’t burn through his self-control.
“What if Connor is already there?” Susan asked. “If we’re followed again, we can’t put him in danger.”
Brady was confident his friend had gone farther underground than his cabin. “He won’t be there. He has hidey-holes all over the country. This is one that I know about.”
“Winter Park might be good,” Susan said. The hesitancy in her voice gave away she was remembering the trip they’d taken to Winter Park when they were a couple. Dinners by firelight, snuggling in the morning and waking to the sound of birds and the wind in the trees. Heaven.
They were destined to trip over emotional minefields wherever they went.
Images of her in his arms snapped into his mind. She’d never been camping or fishing, and he’d been nervous about their first trip away in territory unfamiliar to her. After they’d spent a few hours in bed together, she’d been relaxed and willing to sit on the lake and fish.
