by Faith Helm
January 15, 1886
Dear Diary,
My day started off splendidly. Mother and Father had business in town and were expected to be out for much of the day. I decided to go to the carriage house to see Thomas. I know I shouldn't be so brazen, but I am in love with him, and he with me. And it is so infrequent that I get to spend any time with him.
He gave me a beautiful gold locket with my initials on the front. I know it cost him dear and I do love it, but I wish he would reconsider before buying me extravagant gifts.
He has been saving money in hopes to buy a small farm in the country some day. He worries that he will not be able to give me the style of life that I am accustomed to, but that does not matter to me. All I can think about is being his bride, and all the beautiful children we shall have.
Before I could pull myself away from Thomas, mother and father returned from their trip into town. They caught Thomas and I alone in the carriage house. Father threatened to fire Thomas if he catches him near me again.
I was able to slip the locket around my neck before father saw it but for all he knows it was a gift from one of my party guests. Besides he would never suspect Thomas could afford such a generous gift.
I guess I shall go now, Annie my chambermaid has just come in to help me dress for dinner.
Elizabeth
January 17, 1886
Dear Diary,
It has been a few days since I have been able to write. I have been going to voice lessons every morning and in the afternoon I am sitting for my portrait. It is quite daunting as this has been going on for weeks, but mother insists I just let the artist finish his work. I was able to put it off for a bit, but as I am the last family member to sit for the portrait I could no longer put it off.
Now that I have finished my general education mother has decided it is time I attend finishing school. I shall start tomorrow at Miss Bakers finishing school for fine young women. I do not want to attend, but mother says that I must if I want to marry a man from a fine family. I wish I could confide in mother and let her know how I felt about Thomas. I know she wouldn't dare try to persuade father to let us court, but I would love to share the joy I feel with someone.
At times I wish I had a sister to confide in, but I only have my chambermaid Annie and my brothers. I fear if I told them, they would accidentally say something in front of father.
My father can be a very hard man as he rarely smiles, and he complains about everything my brothers and I do. He has been very harsh with all of us. I know my mother gets the worst of it and I can see the sadness and the fear in her eyes.
There have been many rumors around town about fathers business practices. I even overheard the staff talking about how father had embezzled money from his business partner. He then threatened to kill him and his family if he was to ever speak of it. I do not want to believe the rumors are true, but I can not imagine why they would say that if it were not true. Although, I do not know why father would feel the need to embezzle, he has all that he should ever want, since his union to my mother.
I have lived with father for all of my 17 years and I have suffered greatly at his harsh hand, so I suppose the rumors could be true. For anyone who would dare lay a hand on his wife and innocent children could surely be capable of anything.
I have not been able to speak with Thomas, for fear father will make good on his threat and fire him. I am hopeful that we will find a way to speak again soon as I miss him so.
It is getting late and I need to rest for school tomorrow. Good night.
Elizabeth
January 18, 1886
Dear Diary,
I wanted to tell you about my first day of finishing school. My teacher Miss Baker is a very stern and proper woman. She is very demanding and keeps repeating the same boring things.
I am a proper woman as well and I already know when and when not to speak, how to sit and which utensils to use while eating. I have been well versed in all of these things my entire life. I can also dress myself in appropriate attire, sing and play the piano, as well as sew and knit. I can even bake delicious pies.
I am hopeful that school will offer something I do not already know, or I fear I may succumb to the boredom.
I did meet a wonderful girl named Emma. She is the same age as I am and she just moved to Boston from St. Paul Minnesota. I am hopeful we can spend more time together. I would love to have a dear friend with whom I can share my secrets.
Father has never allowed me to have such a close friend. I have only been allowed to attend school and church, and I was permitted to attend very few social functions. Now that I am a woman I am hopeful father will realize the importance of socializing and making close friends.
As I sit here writing this, I can hear father yelling at my dear mother as she cries. It sounds like she is getting a lashing. I should turn the lights out and get to sleep for fear he will turn his rage on me.
Elizabeth
February 2, 1886
Dear Diary,
So much has happened, I do not know where to begin. A couple of weeks ago I was walking home from Miss Bakers school when I saw Franklin Arnold on the street. He asked if he could walk home with me. As we walked he talked about wanting to court me and professed his love for me. He is such a fool, to think that a woman such as myself would have any interest in him is beyond reason. He is so boring and all he speaks of is himself. I would never choose to marry someone that only thinks of himself, as I fear I would be marrying someone just like my father.
As we approached the house he took the liberty of kissing me. I nearly spat in his face at the stench of whiskey on his breath.
I ran away from Franklin and into the carriage house, right into the arms of Thomas. Thomas threatened to beat Franklin for what he had done. I somehow convinced him not to, for I feared that father would hear of it and Thomas would be fired.
We began talking and before I knew what was happening we were lying in the hay doing unspeakable things. Even as I write this, I blush at the thought. I know I should have saved myself for marriage, but I love Thomas, and he loves me, and we intend to marry.
Before we could dress Joseph the stable master walked in and caught us. Thomas pleaded with Joseph not to tell father, but he was afraid that if father ever found out he would turn his anger on him.
As soon as father learned of this he fired Thomas and sent me to my room. He came in later and gave me a horrible lashing. Annie had to care for my wounds and then she laid down with me until I cried myself to sleep. I have been held prisoner in my room ever since that day. I can hear mother crying at night, but she has not been permitted to come in and see me.
I would give anything to be able to go to boring old Miss Bakers school just to get out of the house. I do fear I will never see Thomas again and that thought has had me in a panic.
If I thought I could get out of this house unattended I would run away and try to find him. But sadly I can not even get out of my room.
Elizabeth
Putting the journal on the side table, Claire sat there thinking about what she had just read. It was strange to think this man who had abused his family was in any way related to her sweet and caring Adam. She felt badly for Elizabeth and wanted to read more, she needed to know if Thomas ever came for her and if they ever married. In a way Claire felt guilty for reading the journal. This wasn't a work of fiction, this was someone's innermost personal thoughts and feelings. How would she feel if someone read her journal even if it was long after her death.
After having such a long day and all the emotions of reading the journal, Claire headed to her bedroom for some much needed rest.
***
Chapter Seven
At the sound of the baby crying, Claire woke with a start. She lay awake for a long time thinking about her baby and what could have been. Claire had hoped that moving to Eureka would somehow make the nightmares stop. She had been dreaming of Adam and the accident since it had happened. But this was th
e first time she had dreamt about their unborn child she had lost that night. Looking at the clock, "ugh, it's only 5:30," she rolled out of bed aware that she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.
She wasn't sure what time Daniel would be here to take her on a tour. Maybe he wouldn't come at all after she escaped his kiss last night. After deciding on a nice pair of jeans, warm boots and a pink cowl neck sweater she chastised herself. Why are you putting on makeup, you know in your heart you are married to Adam.
Claire went back to the turret room to grab the journal before heading downstairs for a cup of coffee. After a quick breakfast, Claire took the journal and her coffee into the parlor. It was a beautiful room with rich wood tones. But the leaded glass in the built in cabinets and the intricately carved fireplace mantle is what gave the room such a grand feel. Situating herself on a leather chair she opened the journal to the next page.
February 15, 1886
Dear Diary,
I fear I am going to lose my mind. Father has kept me locked in my room for weeks. He has not even permitted me to take meals with the family. I am even beginning to miss my brothers, Andrew and William.
Andrew is a little more than a year older than I, and William is eight years younger than I. Andrew is a studious man and he is planning to become a doctor. He has just begun his studies at Boston University School of Medicine. He has studied for years with our family doctor, but he is now old enough to get his formal education. Andrew is courting Rebecca Clark. She is a sweet, quiet girl, and we have known her our entire lives. I can not wait until they are married and give me some nieces and nephews! I should think with Rebecca's beauty and thoughtful nature and with Andrews intelligence that they would have created the perfect child.
My younger brother William is a beautiful child. He has dark curly hair and the brightest blue eyes that I have ever seen. I am so much older than William that I was able to help the nanny care for him. It was like having a real living baby doll to play with. I especially loved teaching him to walk and talk. I could see his little personality developing right before my very eyes. He is a happy child, he rarely cried as a baby and to this day he would do anything to make you laugh. He has brought so much joy into our home. I have even seen the difference William makes in fathers sour moods. I can tell that William is his favorite, but that is fine with me. At least he is not as harsh on my dear baby brother.
I must go for now, Annie is here with my dinner.
Elizabeth
February 17, 1886
Dear Diary,
I can not tell you how much I miss Thomas. I wonder can one really die of a broken heart? My fear is that Thomas will think ill of me because of our day in the carriage house. What if he decides he does not love me because I am a soiled woman.
All I can think about is the times we have stolen. He would often meet me after school and walk most of the way home with me before running errands for the stable master. Once when father was away on business mother allowed Thomas to join us on our Sunday picnic. It was a glorious spring day and Thomas was our driver. We shared a blanket as we ate and then he showed me and my brothers how to cast a pole. I even caught a stinky old fish, but I have never had such fun, nor laughed so much.
I wonder if there will ever be another day like that with Thomas. I have not seen nor heard of him since father fired him. Annie said she would ask around but I fear if she is caught talking of him or bringing me news of Thomas, that she might be fired too.
Annie has always been with me and I would be lost without her. She was my nanny when I was a baby, but as I grew she became my chamber maid. I sometimes feel that Annie loves me more than anyone does, including my mother.
As I write this I am hearing things crash against the walls and mother sobbing. I must end and get my light out quickly.
Elizabeth
February 19, 1886
Dear Diary,
Mother came to my room today and told me that father was away. He has left on a trip to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I did not know he was having a new home built, but father never speaks of such things with me. He still believes I am a child, or perhaps it is because I am a woman and it is not my place to be involved in such things.
Mother said the home, that father calls Orchard House, will be completed soon. Father has gone ahead of us to finish up the details. Mother, William and I will follow by train in a couple of weeks.
Andrew is staying in Boston so he can attend the university. I will miss him so but mother assured me he would come to Arkansas as often as he can.
I am so excited father has gone and that I was freed from my prison. But I am saddened by the fact that I am leaving Boston. I wonder if Thomas will ever know what has become of me.
I was of course thrilled to see my brothers and mother as I had not been permitted to see or speak to anyone other than Annie or father. I noticed the sadness in mothers eyes and she had a faint yellow bruise around her right eye and a small crusted cut on her lip. Her eyes had become swollen from hours of crying. Under the lace collar of mothers dress I could make out small purple bruises on her neck. I do fear that one day father will kill her.
I would never admit this to anyone, but I often wish father would die. He is so harsh and my entire family lives in fear. I often dream about how different our lives would be if he was gone.... forever!
Elizabeth
February 24, 1886
Dear Diary,
It seems I have taken ill. I have been feeling poorly for a few weeks, but thought perhaps it was just nerves from being locked away from Thomas and my family. I had hoped once father left and I was permitted to leave my room that my illness would subside, but sadly it has not. Perhaps it is just because I miss Thomas so. I have heard of people being love sick, I wonder if this is what they mean. Annie seems so concerned for my well being. She often sits beside my bed and soothes my head and throat with a cool damp cloth.
I am thrilled that Annie will be coming with me to Arkansas. I would miss her so. She has been my constant companion my entire life. Sometimes I feel as though we are as close as sisters.
Annie was eighteen when she came to care for me as an infant and has been here ever since. She has never married and said she could not bear to ever leave me. She is a beautiful and strong Negro woman whose mother and father made their way north on the underground railroad. Although Annie was born a free woman she has always been treated as a slave in this house.
When Thomas and I marry I will bring Annie with me and she will finally be permitted to live the life that she deserves. She has taken such care of me, that I want to care for her in the same way.
I can not count the hours we have sat and talked. She knows my heart and it is with her that I can truly be myself and dream of my life as Mrs. Thomas Campbell.
Elizabeth
February 27, 1886
Dear Diary,
The most exciting thing has happened. Annie came to my room last night and pulled a letter from Thomas out of her pocket. I bet I have read the letter a thousand times already, and I cherish every word.
Thomas still loves me and is making plans for us to be married. He knows of our trip to Arkansas and he is planning to come for me as soon as he can. He has found another position and has used the money at the gambling parlor. Not that I condone gambling, but it seems he is quite good at cards. Thomas is trying to save all the money he can in hopes to impress father with a sizable dowry. If he can prove he can provide well for me, maybe father will allow us to marry.
Mother, William and I, along with a few of our servants will leave in the morning for Arkansas. I am so nervous to begin the travel and leave behind my life here in Boston. But at the same time I am excited for a new chance. Perhaps living in Arkansas will have improved fathers disposition.
