by K Larsen
Ty is a gentleman in every sense of the word, but I’ve never been left in a state of such intense need and desire. I peel my clothes off and hope he’ll change his mind, only to come charging back in and find me standing naked in the middle of the room, wanting him.
I’ve never been so turned on in my life. My skin is on fire from his touch and the memory of his hands tests my sanity, as I feel close to combusting. I drag myself to the shower and turn the water on full-force. I step under the freezing cold stream and just try to breathe, evenly. In and out.
“Calm down, Mom. It’s okay. You are so out of practice. Him saying “no” wasn’t rejection, in fact it’s the opposite, he said “no” because he’s so into you that he wants to be careful and do it the right way!”
Angie found me sitting in a dark room on the couch in a towel, crying my eyes out over Ty. I’m trying to think about it rationally but I’ve never been so overcome with emotion, like my insides were ripped out of me and put back in all tangled and mixed up. Angie hands me my pajamas and I reluctantly pull them on.
“Do you want to dry your hair or are you going to sleep on it like that?” Angie asks. My hair is still dripping down my back. I’m a mess, a ball of pent up sexual energy and confusion and I feel so clingy and needy. I’m doing everything in my power not to run to Ty’s cabin and throw myself into his arms like a child in need of a parent.
“You guys will figure it out tomorrow, you both need to sleep on it,” Angie says. She’s standing behind me gently towel-drying my hair. “In other news, Luke is a great kid. He’s smart and mature and really down to earth.”
“He’s got an amazing dad.” I say and then burst into tears again.
“Okay, Mom, that’s enough. Let’s get you into bed. You and Ty are moving in the right direction and everything is going to be okay.”
“I know you’re right, Angie. It’s just so overwhelming. After all these years, the feelings are so strong. I can’t help but mourn for the years that we’ve lost already.”
“Try to stay in the present—those are your own words I’m regurgitating back to you. We’re on vacation, we’re having fun—you’ve got to loosen up a bit.”
Angie crawls into bed next to me and lays her head on the pillow. I smile at her and wipe my eyes.
“There are two beds, you know?”
“I know, I’m just making sure you’re okay. Sorry to secretly spring the love of your life on you without preparing you first.”
“I appreciate what you’ve done, Honey. I don’t know if I ever would have been brave enough to do it myself. I’m glad you did it. Ty in my life feels like a whole new beginning. I’ve never felt so excited about the future, Angie.”
“I’m excited for you. I’ve never seen you like this either. Your face is full of color and your eyes are shining so bright, either you’re wasted or you just started living your real life.”
“Thank you, Angelina.”
“Goodnight, Mom.”
In the middle of the night, I wake up from the urge to pee. I tiptoe to the bathroom so as not to wake Angie. My clothes are strewn on the floor like a teenager who does everything with angst. I sigh and pick my pants up off the floor and give them a hard shake. Something white tumbles to the ground and is illuminated in the ray of light that pours out from the bathroom. I lean down to pick it up and carry it into the bathroom. I can tell it’s a matchbook, I just don’t remember picking one up. Inspecting it in the full light, a wave of nostalgia washes so strongly over my body, that I reach out to the sink to steady myself against its onslaught. I left him a matchbook that night.
My chest seems to expand unusually large with the breath I take in, then conversely, contracts to the point where I can scarcely breathe. I pull the top up, careful not to tear it. He’s sketched an anchor on the inside cover. The night we met. The snowstorm and the tears. Two inconsolable souls who were comforted by the very existence of one another. It didn’t matter what we said or what we did. All that mattered was our acknowledgement of the other’s pain and fears. A serendipitous encounter, an unforgettable bind, a gift of pure solace, when the universe reached out and connected Titan to me, and me to him for a moment.
“Did you have a good time, Dad?” Luke asks, not caring that I’m in bed with the lights out. I sit up to look at him across the dark room.
“The best,” I tell him and it’s the truth. The feeling of Jess in my life, in my arms, on my lips, has thrown me for a loop. I feel like I’ve been doing flips underwater.
“Why so glum sounding?”
“Just, you know, Luke. The truth has to be told at some point and I’m dreading it.” Luke crosses the floor and sits on the end of his bed. I can hear his breathing pick up. “Please, Dad. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I know, Buddy.”
“No! You don’t know,” he wails. I climb out from under my blankets and move to him. To me, he still feels like a toddler when I wrap my arms around him. I hold him tight and rock gently. I don’t care if he’s fifteen. I know he needs it and quite frankly, I do, too. “Please, Dad, I want this one weekend to just be fun. Angie is really fun. I want to have a fun, crazy, normal weekend.”
I let Luke go and take him in. Really take him in. He’s almost as tall as me. He has his mother’s eyes and smile. He is growing up so fast but still too young to be saddled with all this. And if he wants a crazy, fun, normal weekend—I will give it to him. “You win, Buddy. A wild, fun-filled weekend it is.”
“Promise,” Luke says, kicking off his sneakers.
“I promise. We will do nothing but insane things which will make everyone laugh hysterically all weekend. Hey! What about that zip line tour? Nothing says wild like having your junk all scrunched up and on display in a harness,” I offer.
Luke gives me a half smile. “Deal. But I want Jess and Angie to come, too.”
“Not sure if that’s their thing, but we can try,” I say. “Now how about some sleep?”
“Yeah, I’m tired.”
I get up and crawl back into my bed. “How’d you like the movie?”
“It was freakin’ creepy! No wonder you never let me see it before. I’ll probably never look at a hotel the same way again,” Luke proclaims.
“If you have a nightmare, I’m right here,” I chuckle and adjust my pillow.
“I’m not five, Dad,” Luke grumbles.
“In my head, you still are. You were much cuter then, too.”
“Good night, Dad.” His voice sounds irritated but I’m willing to bet he’s trying to hide a smile right now.
“Night, Bud.”
I tuck my hands under my pillow and stare at the ceiling. Life is cruel. It can light you up or leave you cold, and love, love can tell you every word to say or leave you without any words at all. And right now, all the words that are important seem to have flown the coop. My heart says twenty years from now, I want to look across the dinner table with a handful of grandchildren under our feet and know Jess still makes me feel immortal. My brain says that fantasy is just that—a fantasy.
Luke’s got it right. We need a wild, crazy, normal weekend. I push all my conflicting thoughts from my head and instead think of Jess. The hope she fills me with. The peacefulness she radiates. Of the way her body pressed against mine turned my insides to hot and hard. Of her eagerness. Of the way she wanted me and of the way I want her.
I’m up with the sun, which is normal for me, so instead of waking Luke up, I make a pot of coffee in our kitchenette and take a mug down to the dock at the lake so he can sleep in. My fleece is barely warm enough, but the coffee mug keeps my hands warm and the view is stunning. It’s peaceful here. The water is smooth, not a ripple to be seen in the glassy top. Loons cry and ducks bob up and down feeding. The sky is pink with the rise of the sun. It adds to the fire colored leaves of the trees surrounding the lake. Leaves crunch with squirrels and chipmunks running through the woods. I lean back in the Adirondack chair and close my eyes.
“May I
join you?” The voice startles me. My coffee sloshes in my mug as I jolt upright.
“Jess?”
She laughs at me. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s alright. Sit.” I sip my coffee. “Why are you up so early?”
She sits in the chair next to me and wraps her shawl around her. “Couldn’t sleep in. You?”
“I’m up at five for work most mornings so . . . habit. I have a pot of coffee in the cabin, should I fix you a mug?” Jess looks beautiful first thing in the morning. She doesn’t’ have a stitch of makeup on as far as I can tell and it makes her freckles across the bridge of her nose stand out more. It makes me wonder where else I’ll find those mesmerizing freckles on her.
“I’m okay for now.”
“Alright,” I say. “Don’t hesitate to change your mind, though.”
“This is stunning,” she says looking out at the tree line. I move my mug to the arm of my chair and reach across the small gap between us to take her hand in mine. Her skin is so creamy-looking against mine. She squeezes my hand and smiles.
“It really is.” Wild, fun weekend. I remind myself. I tug at Jess’s hand and she looks at me confused. “Come sit here,” I say, patting my lap. She bites her bottom lip to keep from grinning. “Come on, I’ll keep you warm.”
She stands but I don’t release her hand. I slide down in my seat a little and pull her down until she’s sitting on my lap. She rests her head on my shoulder and I slide my arms under hers and wrap them around her. “Much better,” I whisper into her ear, before I lightly kiss her neck.
Curling into Ty, I let myself relax in his arms. I can’t remember the last time I watched the sun come up, or the last time I felt this safe, protected and yet vulnerable, all at the same time. He kisses my neck and turning my face into him, I offer him my lips. Kissing Ty is like rolling back into bed, warm, comforting and delicious. A fish jumps in the water right in front of us. I let out a giggle and Ty smiles, then pulls me in closer to him.
“I thought maybe I’d apologize for last night. For being the one who was moving too fast. I wanted to tell you that I’m not usually like that—I mean I haven’t been with anyone beside my husband. You know what I mean.”
“Don’t apologize for anything. I was feeling bad because I didn’t want to deny you. I just thought we should slow down so that we’re sure of what we want, that we’re both on the same page.”
I run my fingers through his hair and down the side of his neck. I let them guide me into the V of his shirt and I feel all the way down around his sculpted pec and then up into his armpit. Ty tilts his head back and closes his eyes. Gently, I kiss his lips and then along the edge of his jaw.
“I promised myself I’d be more restrained, but I can already tell it’s going to be a problem.”
“No problem at all,” he coos at me. Then Ty opens one eye and squints up into the sunlight and my face. “Unless restraint is something you’re into. Then that can totally be arranged.” He’s smiling when he says it and I find myself laughing again. He hands me his mug and I take a generous sip of it.
“I like it black, hope that’s okay.”
“I know how you drink your coffee. I’ve known for twenty years.”
He grabs the nape of my neck and pulls my face quickly to his. He kisses me hard and emotionally, almost robbing me of my equilibrium.
“I was going to say something about you liking it black, too, but then I figured we were too old for those kind of jokes.” I smile and take another sip of his coffee and peek out at the blazing sunshine.
“You look like you have a halo. You’re beautiful in the early morning light, golden hair, blue eyes, like a Pre-Raphaelite damsel. It makes me want to take advantage of you.” He says everything with a mischievous smile, a grin that’s contagious.
“I want you to, too,” I whisper into his ear and I can feel him go hard right next to my thigh.
“At this rate, we won’t make it to lunch.”
I remove my hand from the V of his shirt and let it travel down over his chest, his stomach and ever so gently, graze where his erection presses into my leg. I kiss him again and his grip on my hip tightens.
“We just need a room and a “do not disturb sign,” I whisper to him.
“I guess as far as getting to know each other before the physical part, we’re both failing miserably.”
I look into his warm eyes and nod. He’s right, before we even finished a cup of shared coffee, we’re right back to where we left off last night.
“You’re right, Ty, we should slow down. This weekend is about getting reacquainted. The other stuff can wait, it’s me who’s jumping the gun.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it, Jess. Don’t get me wrong. You’re the sexiest woman I’ve seen in years and I can’t wait to discover that part of us.”
I can’t help but think about my disease and how I need to acknowledge it. I need to bite the bullet and just get it the hell over with. I tell myself it’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s part of me–it doesn’t define me, it doesn’t make me less of who I am. But my blood runs cold when I actually try to form the words and express them.
He thinks I’m beautiful. He thinks I’m refreshing. Tell him the truth and all we’ll have is this weekend. I’m sure he would smooth it over, make me feel comfortable, he’s a gentleman after all and he would never say or do anything that would hurt me. But I can see it, as if it’s already happening, tell him what the whole package includes and we have a fun weekend, a long kiss goodbye and I’m left with the memories and a bunch of unreturned emails. I’ll call and he’ll be polite and ask how I’m doing, tell me about Luke and then make an excuse as to why he has to get going.
See, no one wants to deal with a complicated mess—sleepless nights, deep depression, random, manic episodes. A woman who keeps it together on the outside, but while you’re tossing in bed, she’s on the floor in the closet crying. Organizing your ties by style and by color, making a grocery list in the dark and clipping coupons with the zeal of a mad bargain shopper. And not because she likes doing these things, but because sometimes, the only way to straighten out the jumble she feels inside, is trying to make order of everything on the outside.
“Jesenia, what is it? Looks like a dark cloud passed over your face. Did I say something wrong?”
“No, I’m okay.” I squeeze his hand and look out over the water. The sun is in its full expression and shining through the bright red and yellow leaves of the changing trees. “You said everything right.”
“Tell me or this is never going to work. We’ve got to be upfront with one another. We’ve got too much riding on this—we owe it to ourselves. This is our second chance. Let’s do the best we can.”
“You’re right, Ty. I’m sorry. There’s something I should tell you about myself and my history. It’s what I meant when I said I come with instructions. I’m definitely far from perfect, I, I—”
“Don’t.” Is all he says. He seals my lips with a swift kiss and stops my defeated words from leaking out. “There’s nothing about you that I don’t want or won’t cherish. We all come with faults and I’ll love yours as hard as I plan to love the rest of you. I know it sounds strange, but to me, it’s a done deal. I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life. I’m in it for real.”
“But if you knew certain things, you might not be so generous with your heart. It’s heavy stuff, Ty. It would be wrong not to warn you.”
“If it’s part of you. It’s part of us.”
He pulls my head onto his chest and I think I may be crying. His valiant acceptance of my flaws is more forgiving in one moment that my husband was in a lifetime. I think I may have just hit the pot of gold in the lover department. Ty is even more stunning inside than he is on the outside.
“Besides, I promised the most important man in my life, that I‘d go light on the heavy stuff this weekend and just try to enjoy a fun, crazy, wild time. This crazy fun includes you and the brave, y
oung Angie, so I’d be honored if you’d agree to join us. I understand where you’re coming from. Believe me, I do and I’d be happy to talk about what’s wrong with you any other time. But I can tell you right now, one hundred percent, that I already accept it, no matter how bad it is.”
I gaze into the face of the most generous soul I’ve ever met in my life. He spoke to me that night in the diner and I recognized in him this incredible human spirit that couldn’t be forgotten. And now he’s in front of me once more, and we’re embarking on making memories together, on sharing our lives. It all seems like too much. My heart is bursting and overrunning with emotion. I grab his face. I kiss him long and hard, like I can never get enough of him. My heart sings and then it soars. And in my mind, unspoken words are already humming, I think I might be falling in love with you.
Angie and I are getting hot stone massages. It’s great to spend time together and it gives Ty the opportunity to spend some alone time with his son. The masseuse places smooth, round stones down both sides of my spine. There’s the flash of a hot burn before it morphs into muscle melting heat under a delicate pressure from the rock. I close my eyes and breathe deep. The relaxation is luxurious and carries me far away. But unlike the sorts of fantasies I’ve indulged in the past, things with Ty are my reality, so I only have to imagine as far away as last night.
“You are so glowy!. We should do spa retreats more often, you look amazing!”
“Ty makes me feel amazing, I don’t mean to take away from the facial, but the light is on the inside, Angie, and if I’m glowing, it’s from happiness.”
“That’s how Andrew makes me feel, like I’m lit from within.”
“I know he does. That’s why I went to battle against your father for your right to happiness.”
The masseuse takes one of the larger stones from Angie’s back and begins to gently roll it into her shoulder muscles and down the span of her back.
