by K Larsen
Another one soars through the air and hits me square in the chest. Luke does a little victory dance, which is stupid because he’s distracted and I’m able to pelt him twice before he can retaliate.
We’re laughing, hard. White puffs of air cloud the space around each of us. The front door opens and Jess pokes her head out. “What’s going on out here?” she asks. Luke looks at me, his eyes alight with mischief. I grin back and we both turn to the door and throw snowballs at it. Jess screams and ducks. I turn to Luke and double over laughing. Snowballs start exploding on the ground around us. Luke and I look up and Jess is armed and ready to retaliate.
“Oh, shit!” Luke cries out. I should scold him for his language but I’m equally stunned at Jess’s reaction. Luke and I split up, each diving behind snow plow mounds along the driveway. Jess creeps along the side of the house. She’s so slight, I can’t see her behind the snow pile. I’m concentrating on listening for snow crunching under her feet when I hear Luke squeal. I pop up from my spot, slightly out of breath from exertion and see Jess on top of Luke, white washing him. She tackled him. I can’t stop the laugh that bellows out of me. Her head whips in my direction. “You’re next!” she shouts, with a smile on her face.
“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” I ask Luke.
Luke raises an eyebrow at me. “Yeah Dad.”
“And Bree’s parents are okay with you going over there until midnight?”
“Yes, Dad,” Luke says and rolls his eyes.
“And Bree will give you a ride to Rusty’s right after, yeah?” I ask.
“Oh, my God, Dad, everything is all set. For the love of all that is holy, will you focus on what you’re about to go do instead of me?” he says throwing his hands up in the air.
“I can’t. I’m too nervous,” I admit. Luke grins at me and slaps my shoulder.
“It’s going to be fine and you know it.”
I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. He’s right, but I’m still a ball of raw nerves. Jess comes around the corner, her hand at her ponytail, she pulls at it, letting her hair down and all mine stands up. She’s so damn sexy.
“Is it time to go?” she asks.
“Yeah, we should get going.”
“Am I allowed to know where we’re going yet?”
I grin at her. “Nope.”
The drive to the City isn’t so bad. I’m guessing most people headed in much earlier for the night’s festivities. Jess and I talk and laugh and sing along to songs on the radio. I pull over when we’re a ten minute walk from our destination. The parking situation is atrocious but I manage to find something. I pull out a tie from the center console and dangle it in front of her.
“Titan, you can’t be serious,” Jess says incredulously.
“Oh, yes, I can.” I pull her closer and blindfold her.
“But it’s slippery out there!” she protests.
“I’d never let you fall, babe.” I hop out and round the truck to her side. Helping her down, I make sure she can’t see and that she’s bundled up before we start walking. The streets are alive with people celebrating the impending New Year. No doubt trying to get as close to Time’s Square as possible, but not us.
It’s eleven when we arrive at our destination. Which is perfect. It gives us time to talk and have coffee. “Ready?” I ask. My hands shake as I raise them. I untie the blindfold. Jess blinks a few times, letting her eyes adjust, then, she gasps. Her hand flies to her mouth and her eyes well up.
“Oh, my God, Titan.”
“I hope this is okay,” I say. She leans into me and squeezes me tightly.
“It’s perfect.” I kiss the top of her head before we walk into Hope’s Diner on New Year’s Eve, like we did so many years ago.
The coffee is hot and the conversation easy. Memories of the last time we were here bombard me. Nothing has changed. The seats are more worn and the countertop more faded but besides that, it’s all the same. “If I get up and go to the restroom, you’ll be here when I get back, right?” I give her a stern look.
Jess laughs. “Absolutely.”
My nerves are getting the best of me by the time eleven fifty rolls around. I stop Jess from talking with a finger over her lips.
“There’s something I need to do,” I tell her.
She cocks her head left and looks at me curiously. “Okay.”
The Hope’s Diner matchbook is in my shirt pocket, burning a hole. I’m almost certain she can see it. “Twenty years ago you saved my life. You couldn’t have known then, but you did and part of me fell in love with you right then for that alone. These last three months have been better than any fantasy I could have concocted. I know, Jess, that the situation before us isn’t ideal. I know it’s tragic and will leave you hurting. I know that and it kills me, but I still want this.”
“I want this, too,” she says.
I reach into my pocket and slide the twenty year old matchbook across the counter to her. “Marry me, Jess. It doesn’t have to be legal. We can have a ceremony without the paperwork, but before I die, I want you to be my wife.”
I hold my breath as she lifts the flap of the matchbook. I pulled out all the matches and put an engagement ring inside, protected by her anchor drawing. Tears leak out from her eyes. The rest of the crowd in the diner looks on silently. Wide eyed and mouths agape. She runs a finger over the faded anchor she drew so many years ago before lifting the ring from its spot. Jess hands the ring to me and my stomach drops, but she holds her left hand out waiting. I slide the ring on her finger. “Yes, Titan, always yes for you,” she says. I stand and scoop her up into my arms. Patrons cheer and clap as I hold her to my chest. The cooks come out of the kitchen to start the countdown. Jess looks up to me, mouths two . . . one . . . and pushes up on her tiptoes. Our kiss is like a bomb exploding. Static electricity zapping every nerve ending in my body. “I love you so much,” she mumbles against my lips.
A waitress shouts out that a slice of pie is on the house for everyone. Jess pulls away, eyes sparkling, and smiles. “Celebratory pie?”
“Mom, I’m going to attach it right under the spot where the braids crisscross,” Angie says, her voice distorted from holding bobby pins in her mouth. We have the exact same hairstyle except for the veil. Loose princess curls and two braids that come around the sides to hold the curls back. We did one another’s make-up and giggled the whole time. We were calling it “trial for Angie’s wedding,” until halfway through, she decided it would be better to hire a professional. But Angie did a wonderful job on me, my cheeks are flushed pink and my eyes done a little smoky.
“Here, put the garter on now, before you forget.” Angie hands me a blush pink garter that matches my bra and underwear. My wedding dress is cotton with a high empire waist, but the neck is scooped low and almost off the shoulder. It has bell sleeves with scalloped lace edges. It’s very seventies inspired. I wanted something simple and beautiful, elegant, yet casual. Angie told me I looked like a “sexy peasant,” when I first showed her. My wedding to John was so formal and over the top. I want my wedding with Ty to be about love and the union, not the extravagance or anything material. I’d marry him barefoot in the back yard, but Ty wanted to come up to the Lodge. I protested, he’s not doing well with long trips or being away from home for too long.
“I’ll take extra pain meds,” he pressured.
“Yeah, and then you’ll be out of it!” I countered.
But I do want to do the things that make him happy. Ty is ceremonious about things—he wants to make this special. I want to fulfill all of his wishes and make these good memories. So here we are at the Lodge and it’s been so stressful. Andrew has been working like a dog to stave off the press and keep away any photographers. It’s crucial because my divorce isn’t yet final, but Ty has started to fade and we might not have much time left. So we’re gathered here, our little family, a few close friends. It’s an illegal wedding, so we don’t have a real minister, we’ve got Ty’s friend Rusty to officiat
e.
Angie’s dress is burgundy and backless, her flowers will match Luke’s corsage and mine will match Ty’s. Our children are walking us down the aisle and giving us away to each other. Who knew that a wedding, which is supposed to be a moment of hope, could feel like the last leg of a journey, a final closing door at the end of our story?
I couldn’t have imagined twenty years ago in Hope’s Diner that I would come to love this man with every ounce of my being. That he would be the greatest light in my life and the only man who ever took the time or the care to look close enough and carefully enough to really see me.
He joked on the way here, “Luke, you might have to wheel me down the aisle. Carry me piggyback and then drop me in Jess’s arms.”
It was maybe too close to the truth and we all felt the urgency. Hurry up and marry him so that I can become a widow. I’m not ready to say goodbye, I’m not ready to face a world without him. But Ty is strong and convincing about the methods. I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and preparing for his exit. He’s not scared. He’s not regretful, he is accepting and humble. He loves us so fully and completely, that we’ll be covered for life. Ty couldn’t possibly love us more than he already has. That’s the type of man he is—going to great lengths to prepare us for his death.
“Mom, the eye makeup is waterproof,” Angie says handing me a gorgeous bouquet of calla lilies, tied up with a burgundy bow.
“Am I crying already?” I ask slipping my finger along the rim of my eye.
“Not yet, but I’m your daughter, so I can tell what you’re thinking. This wedding is for today, Mom. Remember, no future, no past. Just like Ty said, we do it in the moment and we’ll get through it. Together. It’s going to be okay.”
“Is Andrew going to make it to the ceremony?”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s time. Let’s go give you away to your man.” But Angie is crying and I feel my lip start to quiver. She grabs my arm and links hers through mine and we head to the great hall where Ty waltzed with me by the fireplace.
When we enter, Ty is already standing by the big picture windows, Luke at his side. They are so handsome in tuxes, I lift my hand to my face to force back the cry. The music starts and Angie and I make our way toward them, among the wooden folding chairs with ivory silk bows tied to them. It’s the smallest and most perfect wedding I’ve ever seen, our family, a handful of good friends and the world’s most handsome man. His eyes are kind and understanding just as they always have been. He nods sweetly at me, as if he knows this is bittersweet, so precious and so painful.
He takes both of my hands in his and Angie takes her place by Luke. Rusty has decided to do the formal church vows and Ty was all for it. I lose myself in Ty’s compassion, in his unconditional love and dedication.
“We are gathered here today . . .”
Our vows are exchanged, my heart hurts with the words, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, it’s almost too much to bear, but Ty gives me strength when he looks at me.
“I’ve loved you since the moment I met you. You’ve brought me such peace, such comfort and pleasure. I want you to be my wife, until I’m no longer here. I want to honor our love and our story and the power of us being together.”
He slips a gold band onto my finger. On the inside, is engraved an anchor and the words, “Ty and Jess, Forever.”
“Remember our love, Jess, if and when you struggle. My heart will always be with you, even when I’m not here, I’ve got your back forever,” his face breaks into a smile with those words, despite the tears pouring down his face.
I look up at Angie and Luke, who are gripping hands and smiling with red, swollen eyes and running noses and tears falling all over the place.
“I love you, Titan Jennings,” I say and lean in to kiss him. Our small group of attendees starts clapping and shouting and it puts a desperately needed smile on everyone’s face.
“I pronounce you, man and wife: Mr. and Mrs. Titan Jennings,” Rusty says and Ty gives him a hearty high-five. Then Ty goes in for a dramatic kiss, sweeps his arm behind me and dips me.
“This dress is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen you in, but I still can’t wait to tear it off you tonight in the cabin.”
I smile at his words but know the truth isn’t so glamorous, it’s hard for us now, we take it slow and deliberate. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Ty’s love is a universe in and of itself. He loves me so completely, that I revel in every moment of basking in his affection. Be it slow or hard, difficult or easy, our love is a communion, it’s an honor to be with him.
“Oh my God, you two are married, can you believe it?” Angie yells, lightening the mood dramatically. “Pictures with the photographer start in ten, I need a drink—anybody with me?”
“Can I have a beer, Dad?” Luke asks, looking up at Ty, hopefully.
“No!” Ty says with a frown.
“One, and not another sip and don’t move an inch away from Angie,” I say quickly and Luke flashes me a huge smile.
“He’s sixteen,” Ty says to me, shaking his head.
“Oh, live a little, you old man!” I say, tickling him hard in the ribs. “Anyway, I’m his step-mom now, so I do have some say.”
Ty grabs me and swings me around to face him. His eyes look tired, I can tell the pain is resurfacing, he needs to rest and maybe sleep.
“Mrs. Jennings, there’s something I have to tell you.” I wrap my arms around his neck and look up at him adoringly.
“I know that today wasn’t ideal. I know you deserve forever and it’s not something that I can possibly give you. But I want you to know, that today, you made me not only the happiest, but the proudest man on earth. I hope you know, that if I could, I would give you the stars. But instead, all I can give you is everything I have in my heart.”
“I don’t want the stars, Titan, and I don’t need eternity. This moment, in your arms is more than enough for me.”
March
The front door flies open and Luke storms through it. He comes to a stop by the couch. I’ve been impatiently waiting here for hours. Too exhausted to go with him today.
“Well? How’d it go?” I ask. He looks upset, which is making me upset. He practiced so hard for his test.
He stays silent a beat longer before a huge grin takes over his face. “I passed!”
“I knew it,” I tell him. He leans down to me and hugs my neck. “Now let me see that license, boy.” He pulls it from his pocket excitedly and hands it to me. In his picture he’s got the biggest, goofiest grin. It’s perfect really. The perfect first license picture. “I am so proud of you, Luke.”
He swipes the license from my fingers and tucks it back in his pocket. Jess walks into the living room and sits with me. “Thanks for taking him today,” I tell her. She kisses my cheek.
“Of course.”
“Can I take the truck to Bree’s?” Luke asks. I laugh.
“Right now?”
“Uh, yeah.”
I nod and pull the keys from my back pocket. “Be careful, okay?” I tell him.
“I will. I promise.”
“Wait!” I call out. Luke stops and turns on his heel. “Let’s take a picture with your license.”
He smirks and pulls it out again, along with his phone. He plops down on the couch next to me. Holding his license with one hand and his phone with the other, we lean in, head to head. He snaps a picture and jumps back up. And just like that, he’s gone again.
I shake my head in disbelief that he’s truly old enough to have a license. “Wow. My boy. A licensed driver. Scary!” Jess chuckles at me.
“I remember when Angie got hers. I felt the same way,” she says. Her hand rests on my thigh. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired mostly and nauseous. It’s frustrating because I’m hungry but every time I eat, it comes back up.” I sigh and rest my head on the back of the couch.
“How about I make some pot brownies and we watch a movie?” Jess says. I think
I misheard her.
“What?” I ask incredulously.
Jess looks me directly in the eyes. She’s serious. “Andrew gave me some. It’s supposed to help with the nausea.” I’m flabbergasted. I can’t imagine Jess and pot on the same planet. I can’t stop the laugh that bubbles up from my gut. Jess high? I can’t see it. I can’t remember the last time I got high either. It seems ridiculous to even consider. “Don’t you laugh, Titan,” she wags a finger at me. “Even the doctor said it could help you feel better. Settle your stomach and all that.” Her hand waves through the air as she talks.
“It seems so silly, though. A grown man eating pot brownies.” Jess laughs, too.
“It really does, but I’ll have one with you. We can watch a comedy. You keep stressing quality of life over quantity, Ty, so let’s have some fun.”
I can’t beat her train of thought. “Alright. Let’s do it. I’ll pick out a dvd, while you bake.”
Three hours later we’re laid out on the couch both quiet and staring at . . . nothing. Eating pot is a very different high than I recall from smoking pot. My body feels like a cloud. My head is happy and mostly free of thoughts. I feel like I am floating.
“My lips are numb,” she says, “but not in a bad way.”
I think about my words long moments before I can get them out. “I feel, light.”
“Light?” she asks, then giggles.
“Yes, like I weigh very little.”
“Very little,” she repeats. I chuckle at her imitation of my voice. There’s a knock at the front door and I jolt upright.
“Oh, shit, who is here? You get it, Jess!” My heart pumps furiously in my chest. Jess laughs at me and gets up. I hear the door swing open.
“Rusty, Dan! Hi,” she greets from the entry way. “We’re high, care to join us?” Her hands clap together. Oh, no, why would she say that? I hear jackets discarded and mumbles. Rusty and Dan’s heavy footsteps get louder and louder until they are standing in front of me. Rusty’s face has a devilish smile. “Partaking in edibles these days, Ty?” I stay silent. I don’t know what to say. I feel like this is out of character for me to be doing but I can’t really pinpoint why.
