by Sofia Grey
Anita caught me staring at it. “I have to admit you’re good for Suki, but you know I don’t trust you, Joe.” She reappeared with Mindy in her arms and cuddled her as she walked across to the sink to pick up a damp cloth.
I smiled and tried to look harmless. “I really don’t know why.”
She scowled in reply. “There are people I’ve known a lot longer than you, who’ve still tried to screw me over. It takes a long time to earn my trust.” She wiped Mindy’s face, smiling automatically as her daughter wriggled and squirmed beneath the cloth. “I’d like you to leave now, please. You can come back tomorrow if Suki feels up to it.” We swapped phone numbers and I walked slowly back to her parents, my mind spinning and refusing to settle.
Hours later, I was still restless. From my bedroom window I could look in the direction of Anita’s house and I gazed at it, my memory flashing back to the recurring dream. How could I have been dreaming of Suki? It was more likely that my brain had just substituted her face, otherwise it made no sense. When my phone buzzed softly, I grabbed it, surprising Anita by how quickly I answered. “Is Suki okay?” There could be no other reason for her to phone at two in the morning.
She hesitated a moment, then spoke rapidly, her voice slightly croaky. “Suki had a nightmare. She’s very upset and thinks you might be able to help her. I know it’s late—”
“I’m on my way.”
Although it would probably be quicker to walk there across the fields, I didn’t fancy my chances of getting there in the pitch dark, so I drove. The short drive crystallized a number of things for me, the first being how little her husband seemed to care. I couldn’t help swelling with pride—she’d asked for me, before him. I held that thought to enjoy again later. What the fuck was the matter with me? My logic and reasoning had gone to shit. Every time I reminded myself that she was married—unavailable—I made excuses for her. I seemed to be operating on pure instinct and I wasn’t comfortable with that at all.
Within minutes, I dumped my car in their yard and hurried into the kitchen, the dim lights glowing against the darkness. Suki huddled on a chair, her battered fingers curled around a mug, her face pale and ghostly. Anita looked scared to death.
“What happened?” I ran one hand through my hair, then gave up trying to tidy it.
Anita held up a jug. “Cocoa?” As I nodded, she poured a mug for me, sliding it across the table to an empty seat next to Suki. “I woke up to her screaming, really yelling. I thought she was being murdered. I’m amazed Mindy didn’t wake up. I asked if I could get her anything and she said to get you.” Her lips pursed in a little moue of distaste.
I closed one hand over Suki’s where it wrapped around the mug. Her eyes met mine. “Hello, Joe. I knew you’d come.”
“Hello,” I echoed. As before, I couldn’t read her—it must be the medication, I realised with a start. Her feelings were blanketed, almost suffocated. For the first time ever, I missed being able to connect with someone. I took this skill, this weird talent for granted, never imagining it might not always be there. Focusing on Suki, I spoke gently. “Do you want to talk about it? See if I can help?”
Maybe the pills were starting to wear off, or it might have been the shock of her nightmare, but she spoke clearly now with a hint of her previous confidence. “When I was five years old, I got trapped in the broom cupboard. I’d been playing hide and seek with my mother, although she wasn’t really playing—you know how it is.” She paused, her eyes looked huge and scared. Without even thinking about it, I moved her fingers away from the mug and took both her hands in mine. They meshed together, fingers entwined and she smiled at me. In the background, I was aware of Anita moving round, sitting quietly to watch. Suki took a deep breath and continued.
“Mum was looking after my baby brother. He was only a few weeks old and needed a lot of attention. He cried constantly, nothing ever made him quiet. And Mum was ill, too—she never wanted to cuddle or hold me anymore, she didn’t even seem to notice me.” Her voice tailed off. Although she looked at me, her eyes looked straight through me. I gave her fingers a little squeeze and she snapped back. “When the door locked and I couldn’t get out, I screamed for her to come and get me. I could hear her, and then she… she started to make this noise.” Tears glistened in her eyes.
“He was dead.” She blinked back more tears, clinging to my hands now. “He just died in his cot and Mum wasn’t there, because she was looking for me.” A pause. “It was my fault. She should have stayed with him.”
I started to speak, but Anita beat me to it. “How can it be your fault?”
“It just was.” She made it sound obvious. “Mum told me it was my fault, and if I told anyone, she’d be locked up.”
“Suki, you can’t blame yourself for this.” I tried to reassure her, tried to soothe her through our joined hands. I still couldn’t sense what she was feeling.
“As an adult, it all looks different.” After a few more deep breaths she sounded calmer. “I figured out that Mum had probably been suffering from post-natal depression at that point, and that Antony was most likely a victim of cot death. But when I was only five years old… I took it as gospel that I’d caused it. And Mum never recovered. She slowly lost her mind, one piece at a time. The worst part,” she halted again, looking uncertain. We waited. “The worst part was when she was hospitalized. They gave her shock treatment—she told me later it was the most painful thing she’d ever experienced—and that was when my Mum finally disappeared. The person who’s left behind just looks like her, but it’s as though she’s a zombie, like nothing matters anymore.”
Our meshed hands rose together to brush the tears away from her eyes. She gave me a crumpled smile. “And that’s what’s happening to me.”
This felt so wrong and Gabriel’s warning echoed again. Going off the rails. A shiver rippled down my spine. Suki gazed serenely at me as I struggled to find something to say. Again, Anita broke into the silence.
“But Suki, you haven’t had a baby. You can’t be suffering from post-natal depression. So why do you think the same thing is happening to you?”
“It feels weird to talk about this.” She moved her hands within mine, but I didn’t let go. “But it’s a relief, I guess. I’ve been forgetful, missing appointments, making appointments and forgetting about them.”
I shrugged and smiled at her. “I do that all the time. It doesn’t mean anything, other than I’m sometimes a bit distracted.” Anita nodded beside me, but Suki wasn’t convinced.
“Yes, but do you have entire conversations that you forget?”
That silenced us both. Next thing, her head was bowed, her body shaking as she started to cry. I reacted instinctively, standing up and hauling her into my arms so I could hold her close. Anita watched, her eyes huge. As the sobs began to subside, Anita tugged my shirt. “Let’s go into the lounge.” We followed her, Suki hiccupping through her tears as I sank into a comfortable sofa with her beside me, secure in my arms.
“Tell me,” I murmured. “Tell me all about it.”
“It started last week. Gabe was talking to Mum about Antony, but I was sure I’d never talked about him. Ever. And then...”—she looked up at me, a guilty expression on her face— “then I deliberately didn’t tell him about coming here last week. He, er, wouldn’t be comfortable with that.”
While I puzzled over this, Anita muttered something. “Gabe and Jon don’t get on, but they pretend they’re really good friends. For the press and that.” She scowled at me again. “Print a word of that and I’ll sue you for every penny you have.”
Something clicked into place in my brain. “So what happened? When you came here last week?”
“He—Gabe—said I’d told him. He remembered me talking about Mindy’s new highchair. Do you remember us laughing about that?” I nodded, a grim realisation forming. Suki carried on, although I was only half-listening. “And the scary thing is, I don’t remember saying a word of that to him. I thought I’d told him I was in
Manchester on business.”
The reality sickened me. Jesus Christ, what could I tell her? The little video clip I’d taken in Anita’s kitchen included that fragment of conversation—her husband must have figured out she was there. But why would he do this? Why the fuck would he try to convince her she was imagining it? And that unpleasant thought led to an even more unsettling one.
It was Gabriel that claimed Suki had been locked in the cupboard for only ten minutes. What if he was lying about that too?
Anita cleared her throat and I dragged my attention back. She crossed her arms and fixed me with a fierce glare. “Don’t forget, Suki. Joe was there as well. You might not have said anything.”
It was just the opening I needed.
CHAPTER 8
8.1 Suki
“He knows about that conversation because I told him.”
I laughed briefly at Joe’s bold—absurd—statement. He watched us, calm and steady, and gave me a reassuring squeeze. I’d nestled into his side, burrowing like a small animal seeking comfort, and I moved back a little. With a space between us, but his arm still resting on my shoulders, I asked the obvious question.
“How—why—would you tell Gabe that? And why would he try to trick me?
“We spoke a few days ago, about the feature. I mentioned that I’d already met you here.” His eyebrows dipped a fraction as though he was thinking hard. “It’s pretty likely I mentioned the conversation, in fact, I’m sure I did. I found the whole DIY story amusing.”
I struggled to consider the implications of this. He knows I lied to him. “Did you tell Gabe about the beach? About my panic attack?”
“No.” His eyes opened wide. If he was lying, he was skilled at it. Something didn’t feel right, though. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
“So, did you already know about this feature when we met? Is that why you wanted to talk to me?”
“And more to the point,” Anita cut in, sounding exceedingly annoyed, “is this why you were hanging around the stables? You were asking me then about Suki.” I stared at her, then back at Joe.
He rolled his eyes in amusement and smiled easily back at us. I wondered if he ever got annoyed. “No, that was just a happy coincidence.”
We stared some more. He laughed easily, making a salute with his fingers. “Scouts honour,” he declared, solemnly. “I came up here for a little break. I told you about that house on the cliff?” I nodded, remembering our bright conversation that afternoon. “I never expected to bump into you again.” His voice softened. “I’m glad I did, though.”
“And why would that be?” Anita again. Leaving her seat, she stalked across to him, standing with her hands on her hips and looking almost ferocious. “Did you see Suki and me together and think of your commission?”
“Sheesh, Anita. You know how to hurt a guy.” He still didn’t seem ruffled. “I promise you, I’ll give you both the opportunity to review my feature before it goes to the editor.” His smile blasted the chills from my body. “Is that fair enough?”
I yawned suddenly, a jaw-cracking yawn that made my head spin. “I’m really sorry for disturbing you both. It’s stupid o’clock in the morning.”
“It’ll be light in a few hours.” Joe glanced at his watch, an expensive looking piece. “Would you mind if I crashed on the sofa? Rather than driving back and disturbing your folks.”
Anita shrugged, yawning, too. “I’ll fetch you a blanket.”
I rubbed my face, wiping at my eyes, remembering how Joe had comforted me earlier. “Joe, if you told Gabe about me being here, then maybe it’s not me getting confused about things. Maybe it’s him?” He’s trying to catch me out. I shivered at the implication.
His smile disappeared, his fingers stilled on my shoulder. “I don’t think you’re getting confused. And I really don’t think you need to be taking those pills.”
I considered it. They left me feeling fuzzy and tired, remote from everything. “What about the panic attacks? They’re supposed to help with those.”
“Uh-huh, but Suki,” —his fingers curled around my shoulder again— “I can help you with those.” I met his gaze, felt myself falling into his beautiful eyes again. What was it about this man? I felt so safe with him, and we’d only just met. I took a quick breath, tried to swallow down another yawn and failed. He laughed softly. “While you’re here, why don’t you stay off the pills, and I promise, if you feel even slightly panicky, I’ll look after you. What do you say?”
“Who are you, Joe? How do you do this?”
“I’m just a guy. Nobody special.” His eyes darkened, holding my gaze. Knuckles brushed against my cheek and slipped down to caress my jawline. The tenderness, the gentle affection, took my breath away. Common sense yelled at me to move. Something deeper, more instinctive told me to stay. I could hear his breath, unsteady, his heartbeat speeding up. He’s nervous, I realised. The corners of his lips tugged into a hint of a smile, but his eyes were serious, watchful. The air felt charged between us. I imagined if I swirled my hand, I’d conjure a bolt of electricity.
I licked my suddenly dry lips, wondered what he’d be like to kiss.
I remembered my husband.
I heard a footstep in the doorway just before Anita murmured about a pillow and dumped a pile of bedding on the armchair. We broke apart, Joe sweeping his hands through his unruly hair while I made a point of stretching. As I left the room in Anita’s wake, I couldn’t help looking back… and saw Joe watching me, his eyes deep and his expression fathomless.
8.2 Gabe
Paris turned out to be more enjoyable than I’d imagined. The creative team behind the ad planned for Craigowan and I to appear as rivals for a woman, both of us wearing different versions of the new after-shave. Craigowan played the part of a devil while I was cast as an angel. The role playing had a delicious irony, and I knew that tearing round the Paris streets in a variety of glamorous cars would be fun.
I didn’t even get annoyed when I heard that Suki had gone to stay with Anita, taking Josh Delaney—Joe Summers—with them. I couldn’t have planned it better. In between a hectic shooting schedule, I kept a close eye on her Hotmail account. No activity from her at all. I sent her a few texts, all affectionate and supportive, but generally left her alone.
There was an interesting conversation with my mother. I caught up with her on the phone and asked her what she knew about Martha Hubbard.
“Not a vast amount. We’ve not had that much to do with her.”
My father’s bank was the main source of finance for Hubbard Engineering, and I knew they’d been in business together since I was a child. “I believe she’s had some, ah, psychological problems, but Suki won’t talk about it. I’m just worried, you know, in case there’s something I should be aware of.” Mother hesitated, I probed a little further. “It’s starting to play on my mind.”
“You’ve done the right thing calling in the doctors now, at this early stage. Martha never had any treatment until it was too late. She was too far gone.”
“Why did she need treatment in the first place? Did she have panic attacks, too? Like Suki?”
“No,” Mother hesitated again, and then spoke in a rush. “Suki’s baby brother died in his cot. That would have been bad enough, but this wasn’t the first time - Suki was their second child—and the first one also died as a baby. It was all very mysterious. Martha was in no fit state to give evidence and Suki was too young so it was all brushed under the carpet as long as Martha agreed to psychiatric treatment. She was hospitalized several times, given ECT at least twice.”
“ECT?” The term was unfamiliar to me.
“Shock therapy.”
Suki’s rambling was starting to make sense. “How much does Suki know?”
“She knows about the ECT, poor thing. Apparently, she went to visit after Martha had just come out of a session, they found her screeching and fighting the nurses, and practically crawling the walls with pain.” Mother paused, her voice sounded dista
nt. “That’s not something a small child should witness.”
I knew all about small children witnessing unpleasant things; I’d seen my father abusing my mother often enough. I’d also watched her turning a blind eye when he turned his attention on me.
8.3 Josh
Anita’s sofa was comfortable, but sleep continued to elude me. I lay awake and stared through the window, watching with a sense of awe as the sun rose over the mountains behind the house. I’d never actually watched the sun rising before. In a wild and scenic landscape like this, it was breathtaking.
However, I was still no further in solving my dilemma. Anita had her hands full with Mindy, so I brewed coffee and made toast under her direction. This earned me an appreciative smile, even though I could still feel her suspicion towards me.
Suki appeared shortly after, looking pale and sleepy, violet shadows like bruises under her eyes. She smiled briefly at me, accepted some coffee and huddled into herself. I caught her hand as I walked past, giving it a little squeeze, hoping to feel something from her. Her emotional temperature was still absent, at least as far as I was concerned.
While I pondered how to stay close to Suki today, Anita disappeared to take a phone call. She sighed when she returned, and flashed a guilty look at us. “Nathan’s part-time instructor has let him down. He’s asked me to cover for her today. Are you okay to come to the stables with me, Suki? I hate to ask.”
I seized the opportunity and cleared my throat to get their attention. “Or you could stick with me today. We could cover the interview stuff while Anita’s busy.”
