“Right on time, lover boy; she’s back.” She smiles at me, grabs her expensive brown leather bag and leaves only after she pats Duke’s strong arm, the one with the sleeve of tattoos.
I straighten and finish the last couple of M&Ms as he walks in and sits next to me on my bed. Now, like always, he’s careful to not lean against me or look at me for too long. He kisses me on the cheek, his goatee brushing my skin like I love, but that’s all. His well defined lips don’t linger on my skin, and his smile is not as bright and dazzling as I’m used to seeing. It’s definitely strained between us. Again because of Sean.
“How do you feel?” he asks with his deep voice, always so serious these days.
I shrug and barely feel his broad shoulder against mine. “Not bad. I’ll see how it’ll be next time when we talk more about Sean.”
He nods and takes one of my hands in his. My fingers look tiny and thin next to his long strong ones. And my skin looks very pale next to his naturally tanned complexion, thanks to his part Native American origins.
“That’s great. I’m glad you decided to do this.” He squeezes my hand once and entwines our fingers.
I’m craving to feel his arms around me, to feel his breath in my neck and to just feel his intense dark eyes on me. I don’t want this distracted Duke. Maybe I should listen to Dr. Marshall and just talk things out. With our past I know how important it is to open up to each other if I want this relationship to work since I’m not ready to bury it. I love him. I love him so much sometimes it hurts.
“I want to talk to you about something, Duke, and I don’t want to make you angry.”
We look at each other, and I don’t really like the wary expression on his face. He grits his teeth, making the muscle in his strong jaw jump twice. He bites on his lower lip, but I don’t find it as sexy as I used to. It’s more like he’s refraining from saying something.
“I’m listening.”
I sigh and shake my head. This laconic answer is different. He was so talkative, so open before, but now he barely talks to me. And when he talks, it’s just to know how I feel, if I’m in too much pain. It’s never to talk about classes or about his approaching graduation and his plans for the future. I don’t understand.
“What’s going on between us?”
He releases my hand and frowns. “What do you mean?”
I arch one eyebrow, feeling some anger heating up my insides. “Are you kidding me, Duke? Do you realize you haven’t kissed me since the first day at the hospital? You told me you loved me, and yet now you barely hold my hand and only kiss my cheek. Do you think that’s normal for a couple?”
I’m breathing loudly in the quiet room while Duke is just looking at my face, his dark cloudy eyes stopping at each and every one of my fading bruises. “What do you want, Skye?”
I stand up suddenly, ignoring the pain in my ribs or the stiffness in my back and legs. Won’t he even fight to stay with me? It’s like he’s not even concerned. Maybe he wants someone easier with less issues, and I can understand, but I deserve an explanation or the truth. Thinking we were above this, I’m learning I’m quite often wrong. I point at him with my index finger. “I thought we both wanted the same thing, but I doubt it now. Tell me why you don’t even want to touch me.”
He stands up too, towering high over me. He walks to me and stops just a breath away from my body, his eyes locked on mine. He seems angry now. Everything in him seems to vibrate. “Don’t you think I know it’s always been difficult for you to be touched and now it must be harder? Don’t you think I want to give you some time to adjust? Don’t you think I don’t want to pressure you? Can’t you see it’s difficult for me to look at you and see the proof of what that son of a bitch did to you?”
His deep and dark voice sends shivers down my spine. Goosebumps break out on my fair skin. Even when he’s angry and almost dangerous looking, he’s affecting me like nobody ever did before.
I close my eyes and break the hold his dark eyes have on me. “Will you be able to touch me again without thinking about Sean? I don’t want you to be disgusted by me.”
His fingers capture my chin, and it startles me. I open my eyes and look up to find his face closer than I thought. His soft breath fans my face. With his other hand he brushes away some wild locks of my hair. Sucking in my breath, I am unsure of what to think or expect now.
“I’m not disgusted, Skye. I would never be disgusted by you.” He sighs and forces a smile, but it doesn’t look very genuine. “I just don’t know how to behave with you. I don’t know what you need or want, and it’s difficult. I don’t want to ruin everything again.”
“I only need to know you still want me,” I whisper with a blush heating my cheeks.
His tight smile changes into a real one, his eyes dancing with amusement. His eyes are so expressive it’s unsettling. “Of course I want you, but I think you need some time.”
I cock my head on one side, his hands still brushing softly my skin. “Or maybe you are the one who needs some time.”
He nods and looks down. “Maybe, that too.”
“How long, Duke? How long do you need away from me?”
His head snaps back up and narrows his eyes on me. He tugs on some of his hair with one hand, leaving my skin tingling where it was seconds earlier. “I don’t need time away from you, Skye. We’re still together, but I need some time to be sure we’re not rushing things.”
“And if I want you now?” I ask defiantly, afraid to lose him. I know it’s ridiculous of me to think I’m going to lose him just because we’re not back to how it was two weeks ago, but I feel like he’s escaping me. Fast.
“I can’t. Respect that, please.” He kisses my forehead, his lips lingering just a second longer. It’s not much, but I know it’s a peace offering.
Now, I need to keep my watering eyes hidden. I don’t want him to see how it’s hurting me, how I feel rejected when I know it’s just because it’s hard for him too. Not only is he seeing me still bruised, which makes him remember what happened, but he also thought he lost me like he lost the only other girl he ever loved. I understand if he needs to protect himself, but I also know that I won’t be able to run after him every time he pushes me away. Not this time. He needs to work on getting better, just as I am. But I also know he doesn’t want to talk about it now.
I never thought I’d think this, but … I can’t wait to talk about it with Dr. Marshall. Maybe he’ll help me to find a way to understand Duke more. Maybe he will help me to not feel as rejected as I feel right now because right at this moment, I feel like crap.
Chapter Two
DUKE
I glance at my cell phone and curse again. It’s barely five in the morning. I throw my phone somewhere on my twin bed and rub my eyes. For the last couple of weeks whenever I closed my eyes, I saw Skye and how battered she looked when she walked out of that warehouse. Whenever I let my mind wander, I imagine what that bastard did to her. And it leads to the same fucking thought.
I wasn’t there to protect her.
Since Sean abducted her, I’ve been feeling restless, always on my guard, always frightened beyond words that I could lose her too. And I can’t. I can’t go through this again, and something tells me that if I lose Skye, this time I wouldn’t be able to be here anymore. To live. To breathe. There’s only so much a man can survive, and as fucking weak as it sounds, I reached my limits when Skye disappeared.
So yeah, being with her is hard. I know she’s waiting for more from me, is hoping for more, but there’s an invisible wall blocking me. And thinking about touching her and imagining something triggering in her, something that would freak her out while we’re having sex … no, I can’t even go there.
I sit on my bed and ignore the protests of the mattress and the old bed frame. I tug on my hair and grab a cigarette and lighter from the bedside table. When I light it, I inhale deeply. The smoke burns slightly down my throat and to my lungs. Focusing on this and emptying my head, I empty the ima
ges of Skye’s beautiful face all bruised up.
In the end, I can’t even give her what she’s rightfully asking for—a kiss. Just a fucking kiss on her lips. Even that I’m unable to do. It’d be pathetic if our situation and our past weren’t so tragic.
I take another drag of my cigarette and watch the smoke swirling in the room only lit by the moonlight. Soon, the sun will be up and my day will officially start. Engineering class, math class and then psychology, where I assist Dr. Dills and where I met Skye only a few months ago.
Stand. Shower. Dress. Eat. Go to class. Do all over again.
But everything feels difficult, painful. I can’t be strong right now, and yet I have to.
I tug on my hair again. “Fuck.’’
***
SKYE
Walking in to my psychology class after two weeks is not easy. And it’s even less so when I can see people looking at me with pity while talking amongst themselves. I will never be invisible again. News travel fast, and they know what happened with Sean and me. I guess, I can thank the idiots from Sean’s frat that are in this class with me.
I feel myself blush, but it’s weird because my blood is icy cold in my veins. I freeze near the door, and for the first time since I left the hospital, I’m ashamed. Not because I think I did something wrong, but because now they must all know a piece of my life I would have preferred to keep private. But I’m starting to realize how naïve I was to ever think I had any kind of control over this aspect of my life.
“Skye?”
I look up and smile at Duke. He must have walked in while I was daydreaming. He leans down and kisses my forehead. Still not my lips. I bite the inside of my cheek before I say something I’ll regret. I have to respect his need of time even if it is difficult for me.
“They know about me,” I say with a wave to the vast classroom full of students.
“Don’t think about them. They’re just savoring the last of the rumors, but it’ll pass soon.” He squeezes my shoulder and walks toward the other Teacher Assistants, TAs, waving at him with stacks of papers to give us.
Taking a deep breath, I walk to the first available seat and rummage in my backpack for my MacBook Air protected in a case. Occupying myself is the best way to ignore them all whispering to each other while their eyes are still on me, looking at my bruises They are now almost vanished, but still visible enough under the make-up Kate put on me to mask them as best as possible. You have to look closely to see them, but they still can be seen. I feel all the more self-conscious because of it. Why is it taking so long to heal?
Once I’m all settled and Dr. Dills is still not here, I look for Duke. He’s on the right side of the room, several rows above mine, and he is talking with an attractive brunette I’ve seen flirting with him before, back when we were going through a rough patch. She’s playing with her shiny brown hair, her red nails adding to her alluring look. Her mischievous smile is not lost on me, and what is worse than seeing her flirting with my boyfriend, is seeing my boyfriend sharing a playful smile with her before resuming his task of giving the papers to the students. It’s like a slap to my face.
I focus on my laptop screen and don’t look up for the rest of the class. I’m not even sure what notes I’ve taken, and I don’t really care. I know I should, but I can’t stop thinking about Duke’s behavior. I can’t focus on anything else.
I thought that when he confessed his love for me things would work out, that we would be stronger as a couple. Another mistake on my part. He did nothing wrong actually, but before he never flirted back when we were trying to work things out between us. The only times I saw him flirting was when we weren’t together and were not speaking to each other. Today we are on speaking terms, and more, we are in a committed relationship. Aren’t we?
As soon as the class is over I pack my stuff and leave without looking back, and I’m not even sure if he saw me or even cared. His attention is back on the brunette, who has walked to him immediately with a sway of her curvy hips.
Loving someone is definitely painful. My insides feel like they are bleeding, and I just want to find a secluded place to let the tears fall. I close my hands in tight fists. My nails digging into my palms, I walk faster toward my room, away from everyone.
***
DUKE
I smile absentmindedly at the brunette. I don’t even remember her name. Is it Jena? Jana? But really, I don’t give a shit about her name or about the fact that she’s babbling again and again. Her light voice and playful smile are lost on me as I watch Skye walk out the room, not once trying to catch my attention—and I know why.
I’m a dick.
I’m running again, pushing her away when she needs me the most. Staring back at the girl in front of me, there is not a single thing I want. She’s easy on the eye and her confidence is quite attractive, but she’s not the one I want. I’m not even trying to chat her up, I have no interest in cheating on Skye, but somehow I find myself doing everything in the dickhead handbook to drive away and hurt my girlfriend.
“So? Are you going to help me, Duke?”
I blink at the girl in front of me, Jena or Jana or something. “Uh, yeah, sure.”
She smiles at me again, and it reaches her blue eyes. She grabs my wrist and leads me toward the library, chattering about this or that party where she saw me last semester and how she’s thankful that I’m helping her with the new psychology material. All I can think about is how I’m making a huge mistake. And yet, I let her lead me; I let her bat her eyelashes at me while my girlfriend is somewhere out there on campus on her way to her second session with a shrink I know nothing about aside from his name, Marshall. And she’s alone.
“Duke? Is everything okay?”
I shake my head and force a smile to my frozen face. “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.”
She nods and puts a hand on my forearm, her lithe fingers tracing a few lines of my tattoos. I’m too numb to feel anything, too numb to feel any tingles.
“I bet it’s weird now that you’re going to graduate. That and what happened to that girl in Dr. Dills’ class.”
I nod and check my cell phone before I redirect our talk to the material she needs to understand if she wants to write a good enough paper for the class. She listens to me closely, nodding and asking questions even. But I do everything on auto-pilot, still trying to ignore my conscience yelling at me, telling me how it’s not right, how I shouldn’t be here right now.
An hour later she gathers her papers and laptop and stands up with me. “Thanks a lot for your help.”
I shrug and adjust my backpack on my shoulder. “It’s nothing.”
She comes closer to me, her shoulders back, her head tilted upward, eyes on my lips and my stomach ties itself into a hundred knots. “You didn’t have to help me, and still you gave me an hour of your time.”
She leans into me, but I stay frozen. I don’t lean down, don’t step back. I just watch her mouth getting closer to mine, her eyes closing as her hands wander over my chest to fist my tee-shirt. When her breasts push against my chest, I tense, but I’m still not moving.
Before I know it, her lips touch mine, and it shocks me. I gasp and push her away with enough force to send her flying back, hitting her hip against the table. Several heads turn toward us, and all I want to do is yell at them and beat myself to a pulp.
I hold a hand up before Jena or Jana or whatever talks. “I have a girlfriend, and I love her. Next time, ask another TA or a tutor to help you.”
I turn around and run out, fighting back the urge to throw up. I’ve never betrayed anybody in all my life. Never. And now, I’m madly in love with an amazing woman, and I do this? I let this happen! I went out of my way to let this happen.
I stop my run and walk slowly to a tree and lean heavily against it. My heart is pounding in my chest. Each heartbeat tattoos, no carves that new screw up and the pain associated with it, a pain I feel and a pain I know Skye will feel once she hears about it.
&nbs
p; Why do I always do this? Why do I always try to ruin everything? Drinking alcohol was always a sure thing, I’ll just go back to that and be all set in my old ways. I clench my fists and close my eyelids tightly, trying with all my might not to lose it and punch a tree because I’m craving a release—and physical pain is a fucking great outlet.
I feel too much, too many things, and I’m not made for this. Not anymore.
***
SKYE
“Do you have something you want to talk about first, Skye?” Dr. Marshall asks me as soon as we’re comfortable in our respective chair.
I nod, frowning deeply. I cried earlier when I was back in my room, and now that I’m here, all I want to do is bitch about Duke and curse him for the new pain he’s adding to my already full plate. “Duke. Something’s wrong, and I need to talk about it before I jump to conclusions and make some harsh decisions like I used to do when I first met him.”
Dr. Marshall, pen in hand and pad open on a blank page, takes a sip of coffee from a styrofoam cup on his desk. The smell makes my mouth water. “I’m listening.”
I take a deep breath but won’t close my eyes for fear of imagining Duke passionately kissing the brunette. I don’t really think he’d do this to me, but I do think he’s looking for something I’m lacking because what’s going on is not normal. “I talked to him the other day, like you encouraged me to, and he told me he needed time to be sure I’m ready to have any kind of real physical contact with him. He also told me he needed time to digest what Sean did.”
“It must be hard for you.” Dr. Marshall finishes his coffee and throws the cup in a trashcan under his desk. “Did you take this as a kind of rejection?”
“It is a rejection when you tell your boyfriend you want him to touch you in no uncertain terms, and he tells you no,” I retort with frustration before I feel embarrassed talking about my sex life with a man not much older than Duke.
Fix Up Page 2
