“Way too much right now. It’s painful, Skye, to have you here, but knowing I can’t do all the things I’ve dreamt about since I met you. You have no idea.”
He looks down at his pants and clears his throat, embarrassed. I giggle and hide my heating face in my hands. It’s like we’re teenagers all over again, embarrassed to be talking about sex. How ridiculous is that?
“Then I know what I’ll be talking about with Dr. Marshall. I don’t want to wait to really be with you again.”
“But you have me, Skye. You ruined me for anyone else but you.” He shakes his head and smiles his dazzling smile I missed so much.
How is it possible for a guy to say such heartwarming things? I thought all this time it was only in romance novels you read guys saying things like this, never in real life. Yet, I’ve got my own sexy hunk in the flesh, and he is the most amazing person I ever met. Is it possible to fall in love all over again?
***
SKYE
“You kissed your sexy TA,” Kate says as soon as I walk into our room. She’s been absorbed by her work while I was with Duke. Papers and textbooks are everywhere on her desk and bed, and she squats in the middle of all of this with her blonde hair on top of her head and her designer dark green dress simply cut, which is displaying her generous cleavage perfectly and with taste.
“How do you know?” I ask her, crashing back to earth as my bag hits the ground near my dresser. I sit on my bed and can’t help it but think about that kiss, the first and only one in two weeks. I’m still dizzy, and it’s been half an hour! I wonder what it’ll be like to have sex with him for the second time.
“You have this weird smile on your face and this little twinkle in your eye. It’s a dead giveaway,” she replies distractedly, and I’m instantly worried. If there is one thing I know about her, it’s that she always wants details about what is happening with Duke. She loves to know more about my love life because she wants to have a role model of what love is supposed to be. Growing up, her dysfunctional family did a big injustice where love comes into play. She lost all hope of ever finding real love. However, that’s also why I’m worried about her because I know for a fact that she and Derek are avoiding each other.
“Are you all right, Kate?”
She looks up at me and closes her laptop without even saving what she was working on. “I just saw Derek with a girl at the coffee house.”
I’m not sure if my mouth is hanging open, but it feels like it. Derek is seeing another girl? I know that with what happened to me, it ruined his plan to win Kate over, but I never thought he would move on to someone else and so soon. Three days ago we talked, but he never told me anything like this. “Hmm … they were probably just having coffee.”
Rolling her eyes, all traces of her bubbly persona are long gone. “They were having a coffee date. It was obvious.”
I stand up and walk to her bed. I push away three heavy textbooks and sit in the tiny space I made. “You know he cares about you, Kate. You were the one not trying to be in a real relationship with him.”
She puts her head on my shoulder and shrugs. “But look at you and Duke. You two pushed each other away again and again, and still you both fought for each other.”
“Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t use our relationship as an example. We were too messed up and still are. Every relationship is different and you had a chance at something healthy with Derek.”
“So what do you think I should do?”
I laugh and sigh. It’s unbelievable she’s asking me for any relationship advice. When I look back at my track record, I believe I am the last person any sane person should ask. “Talk to him? I’m starting to really see the benefit of talking the issues out.”
“Dr. Marshall’s words?”
“Something like that.”
“You look like you really enjoy seeing him.”
An image of him behind his wooden desk and his clear blue eyes on me surfaces in my head. “He’s a good psychologist. And look! Now Duke and I are back to kissing each other.”
“Well, once you both tear each other’s clothes off and have some crazy, wild sex, I’ll tattoo Dr. Marshall on my ass.”
And we both laugh until tears fall down our faces. I was lucky the day a computer paired me in this room with Kate. That day, I won a faithful best friend. Real friends are not running around all over the place. It’s rare to find them, but once you have them, they never leave you. I just hope she’ll have her happy ever after with Derek like I got mine with Duke.
***
DUKE
“And you didn’t fight?’’ Grayson shakes his head and ruefully smiles. “You’re lucky to have such a girl. Mine would have stopped only once she’d see me grovel on my knees, and even then she’d still give me the silent treatment for a few hours.’’
“I see why you need a break, man.’’
He grumbles and waves me off. Grayson is a good-natured guy, the kind always trying to offer a peace offering and avoid confrontations. It’s obvious that he’s worn out. Decidedly, women aren’t the easiest creatures to deal with.
I lie back on my bed and close my eyes. Kissing Skye was like breathing again, but now that she left guilt and fear are eating at me. I can’t help but be afraid of pushing her too far, of breaking something in her when she’s already so fragile. She is a fighter; she’s not weak, but that doesn’t mean there’s not a big part of her that’s fragile. I can’t be that guy responsible for ruining her even more, and yet I feel it. I feel our relationship veering off course, getting out of hand. I can already feel me missing her, and she’s still here, in my life.
Her smile when she left was a punch straight in my guts, her faith in me a knife in my heart. I don’t deserve her faith, her love. Always breaking and ruining everything, I’m just a screw up. It’s just a matter of time before she wakes up and leaves me. It’s a matter of time when I’ll stop fighting.
Chapter Three
SKYE
I wake up with a start. My heart is hammering hard in my chest, and the large grey tee-shirt I have on is clinging to my sweat-soaked skin. Everything is dark and the walls are closing in, but I know it’s a trick of my mind because of the horrible nightmare I have just woken from.
Glancing quickly at Kate’s bed, I sigh with relief. She’s still out, which means she’s not here to witness this. She doesn’t need this. After all, she’s preoccupied enough with me as it is.
With jerky movements, I strip off my tee-shirt. Feeling the fabric against my feverish skin is making me think of my dream, which makes me think of Sean and the abandoned building where he kept me … touched me. The tee-shirt makes all the memories smack me hard in the face.
I throw it away from me, away from my bed. Tugging on my hair hard enough to bring tears to my eyes, now accustomed to the darkness, I need pain to ground me. I need this slight pain to make this irrational fear disappear because I know Sean can’t do me any harm now that he’s in prison until his trial. But I am afraid, irrational or not. I am frightened because sometimes I can still hear his words, the harsh tone of his voice and feel his hands on me. Late at night, I can even feel his fingers hurting me in ways I never thought possible.
I shiver and cover myself with the thin sheet. I’m glad Kate is not here, but at the same time I hate that I feel so alone right now. I know if I called her, she’d run back here and make the darkness disappear with her bubbly personality, but I don’t want to see the worry in her eyes again. She doesn’t need to know about these little bumps in the road toward my happiness.
Ultimately, there is Duke. I know he keeps his cell phone on for emergencies, but I’m afraid to call him. How many times has he taken care of me when I’ve freaked out? Since I’ve met him, he has taken this role, babying me and nursing my wounds. I don’t think this is what a relationship should be based upon, building us on my failures. And I don’t want to be the one girl he knows he can help and get back on her feet when he couldn’t do anything for Juliet.
We should mean more than that. I have to break this strange situation we got ourselves into from the beginning, and I think we’re doing quite well considering the circumstances.
So I guess I should try to go back to sleep and just put everything aside for now. Shivers roll over my body again, and a tear falls. Grabbing my cell phone next to my alarm clock, I’ve decided I don’t want to be alone. I can’t be alone and close my eyes; it’s not an option. I know I would see his eyes and feel his breath on my face. I don’t want to relive it once again. I’m not ready to face it all. Not yet.
Me: Duke, I can’t sleep.
No matter what I tell myself, I can’t help it. Duke is my anchor, my rock. Maybe I’m too dependent on him, but right now I need to feel his arms around me, arms I love so much, to make the horrible memories go away for a short while.
Duke: Are you all right?
I must have woken him up because he is usually faster to answer a text. I feel bad for a second, but the weight on my chest is disappearing fast. Maybe I should feel bad or something. Just a text from him makes it all better which shows how dependent on him I am. But I don’t care now as long as I feel some peace again. Love is a really powerful thing. Amazing things have happened because of love, but it can also break the strongest of people.
Me: I just need to be with you. I sleep better when you’re with me.
I make a face when I read the text I just sent. I couldn’t sound more needy if I tried. Sighing, I take a sip of the glass of water on my bedside table. In a few hours I have another meeting with Dr. Marshall. I never thought this day would come, but I am quite impatient. My need to talk to him about some things with Duke is growing and maybe … maybe finally talk about that day with Sean. Beating around the bush won’t last for much longer if I want to move on and stop these nightmares from getting worse.
Duke: Give me ten minutes. I’ll be there.
A smile brightens my face while I look at my phone, and I put it on the bedside table. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a man. I still think he could do better than me, but now I’m not trying to drive him away because I can’t. I wonder what Dr. Marshall would say or think if he knew how much I rely on Duke. I’m not sure it’s that healthy.
Standing up I put on a new tee-shirt. I don’t think Duke would take it with a smile if I opened the door topless, not when he’s bent on waiting to go back to where we were before that awful day. He might think I’m trying to push him to be more intimate with me.
A knock at the door brings me back to the present. I open the door slightly and peer through the tiny space between the door and the frame. Better to be safe than sorry. Duke is standing tall, bracing himself against the wall. His dark eyes are still half asleep, but the smile tugging his sexy full lips lets me know he’s not annoyed. Even though he has been called by his girlfriend to come sleep with her in a twin bed that is way too small for two people, and the guy is fairly tall and quite muscular, he doesn’t mind.
“You need my arms to sleep now?” he asks, his eyes now slowly brightening with a spark of what I love to see when he’s looking at me. Desire.
I look down at my bare feet and naked legs. I can’t lie to him, but at the same time, telling him about this awful dream will make him in a foul mood. Shrugging, I look up at his face. He’s frowning now as he steps inside. “I had a bad dream and couldn’t fall back asleep.”
He walks to the bed and lies down. He waves at me to come lay next to him, and I don’t hesitate. It’s unbelievable how much easier things are between us now that we’re together. I’m not afraid of his touch anymore; I’m seeking it.
I put my head on his strong chest and my right hand on his hard stomach. Immediately, he closes his arms around me, his hands tracing little circles on my hips covered only by the thin tee-shirt.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Will you talk about it with your psychologist?”
I nod and kiss him over his own tee-shirt. “I will. I don’t want to dwell on it all my life.”
He chuckles and squeezes me closer for a second. “I can’t believe I’m jealous of a psychologist.”
I look up at him and meet his serious eyes. They don’t match with the light tone of his voice. “Jealous? Why are you jealous of him?” My heartbeat takes off, and I don’t like it. I don’t like this uneasy feeling I have, as if I’m cheating or something. Is it because I didn’t tell anyone how old Dr. Marshall is?
Duke brushes away some of my hair and smiles at me, his eyes lost in his thoughts. It all feels bittersweet. I hate it. Biting the inside of my cheek, I wait for his answer. I run my index finger in his goatee.
“Because you talk more to him than you do to me. Because he will soon know more about you and about what is going on inside of your head than I do. Because I don’t want anyone else to have access to this beauty inside you that you don’t even see.” He sighs and kisses my forehead before he leans back against the pillow and closes his eyes. “I guess I’m just afraid to lose you to someone else once you’ve found yourself.”
I blink and shake my head. I move up and run a hand along his strong jaw. He opens his eyes and locks them with mine. “I gave you my heart, Duke. I can’t take it back unless you choose to give it.”
He puts a hand behind my neck, his hot palm securing me close to his face, making it impossible for me to move away. But I don’t want to move away. I want to get closer to him and make the little space between us disappear. “And can’t you see you’re tattooed under my skin, into my heart and soul? Losing you would break the part of me that you patched up, Skye. Losing you would be too much.”
“Then we’re not going to lose each other,” I reply with a steady voice that doesn’t reflect how afraid I truly am.
He smiles his dazzling smile I love so much. He can almost ask me anything when he’s like this, and I don’t think I’m the only female on campus and beyond who reacts that way to his charm. Some people have that kind of aura that draws people in, and Duke is packed with it.
He pulls my face closer to him, our noses now almost touching. “It’s cute this new optimistic side of you.” He traces small circles on my neck which makes me shiver. His eyes take on a mischievous sparkle to them. “If anyone tries to seduce you away from me, I’ll fight for you. You’re it for me, Skye. Nobody else.”
Something squeezes my heart at his words, and I know exactly what it is. It’s this little part of me that still thinks that Juliet was it for Duke, and I’m just second best. The replacement. The one he would have never looked at twice if Juliet was still alive. Maybe they’d even be married by now. But one thing is for sure, he’d be happier because he wouldn’t have had to go through such loss.
With my left hand I feel the necklace under his tee-shirt. It’s the infinity symbol made in silver he gave Juliet when they were dating. He always wears it, keeping a close tie to his best friend and lover. And it may be petty of me to feel jealous and insecure and to want this necklace out of our life, but I do. It’s difficult to imagine how it would be if Juliet was still alive. It’s difficult to think that our relationship and love is based on the death of someone. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to deal with it because deep inside of me, I’m sure I’m not and never will be anything like Juliet was for Duke.
“We both know how life and people can be unpredictable.”
“Are you doubting what I feel for you? Or what you feel for me?” he asks me with a frown. His face and body have tensed.
“We love each other, that’s not the point.” I sigh and try to put some distance between us, but he doesn’t let me. If anything, his embrace is tighter. Under my fingers I can feel his heart beating fast, too fast. “I didn’t want to freak you out, Duke.”
“Look at me, Skye.” I look up and lock my eyes with his, so intense that it makes me squirm against him. “You have to understand one thing.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Telling you how I feel for you wasn�
�t easy. I’m not the kind of man to spill his guts. Talking about sex, about desire is easy, but talking about love is hard. It makes me feel vulnerable, and it’s like I don’t have any control over this. But I’ll tell you everyday of my life that I love you, that I’d do anything for you because you’re the one woman I want by my side when things are good or bad. I need you, Skye, in spite of our fears and doubts. Can’t you see that?”
A love tear falls and he catches it with his wrist against my cheek. How can I tell him Juliet is still one of our problems when he told me all these beautiful things? How can I tell him that in a way I can’t fully believe him? How can I talk about Juliet and see the shadows invade his eyes? I’m not ready for this, and even though sometimes it’s painful to have all these doubts, it’s better to keep them locked in my head. I should just enjoy what I do have with him in the present. For anyone else, it’d be way too soon to talk about forever and the future when you’re dating someone for just a few weeks. Let’s be normal for once and move one step at a time.
“But we don’t know how long it’ll last.” I force a smile, which is harder than I thought. My cheeks and mouth are not very disciplined. “I don’t want to talk about all of this right now. We should sleep.”
“But we need …”
“No, Duke. Not now,” I cut him off before he finishes his sentence. I should have just kissed him instead of instigating this conversation.
“Okay, but we’ll have this talk later.” He turns on his side so we’re face to face, hips against hips and chest against chest. All my gloomy thoughts are now transferred to an intense and desperate need to feel his lips and hands on me. My hands ball his tee-shirt, keeping him secure where he is. “But right now I need to kiss you, I need to feel you and have you begging me for more with your body.”
I gasp, and before I can find my voice, his full lips are on mine, kissing me like he’s as desperate as I am. One of his hands is on my ass, bringing me closer still, letting me feel his hard desire for me. The other hand is messing with my hair, sometimes tugging almost painfully and sometimes just delving into my thick locks. It’s amazingly hot.
Fix Up Page 4
