“My advice,” he says. “Call Charlie and find your moth queen.”
Chapter 9
Eavan
The town is beautiful, built on the ruins of the Roman establishments. I love sitting on the stone wall around the Cathedral.
It’s warm today. Five pigeons gathered a few steps away from me coo and rustle their wings as I sip my coffee. I’m working at the cafe on my right from 4pm to 8 pm and I have just finished my shift. The facade of the historic hotel next to the cafe buries me in the shade as I drop onto the stone wall and people saunter behind me, their conversations droning on.
I take my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans and call Ruby. “I will be late, honey. I’m going for a long walk around the Cathedral.”
“Sure,” she says. “See you later.”
“See you.”
I’m a bit surprised that she didn’t tell me not go for a walk. It’s dark and we always remind each other not to wander outside of the house so late. She must be busy. I noticed some time ago that she’s different. Like she’s been mentally drifting further and further away from me. Like she doesn’t need me any longer.
I raise myself, dispose of the paper cup into the bin and circle around the cathedral yard, admiring the gothic features of the building rising towards the sky. The Cathedral looks like it’s moving, lacy details bring astonishment to my mind then sadness sips into every cell of my body, invades my mind like a cold devastation. I’m so fed up with my life, with the lack of control over it, with the lack of freedom. It’s the life of a machine-wake up, go to work, smile. Don’t crave more.
A wave of nausea courses through my stomach and I retch. Fuck. I’m going to throw up in the middle of the town. I cover my mouth with my hand and turn into a narrow passage between the Cathedral and a high stone wall. There is a lot of privacy here so I bend and empty my stomach between two cars parked along the pavement.
Very fucking elegant.
My stomach twists and I throw up again, acid burning my throat and a sour taste lingering on my tongue.
“Much better,” I mutter to myself and straighten, tears welling up in my eyes.
A thought crosses my mind for the tenth time in this week. I should tell Ruby. And I should tell Jack.
I’m nine weeks pregnant, unsure of which is more inside me-happiness or dread. Jack will be furious. I know this, for certain.
The hum of car engines muffles my thoughts as my feet shuffle along the asphalt pavement. I catch a bus and go to my house which perches on the hill on the outskirts of the town. It’s quiet as I enter it. Almost too quiet like some unearthly threat is hanging in the air.
I climb the stairs, the pink carpet absorbing the sound of my footsteps, and go towards Ruby’s bedroom. I need to talk about my baby, about Seafra. About all my shitty life.
A delicate sound like a cat’s meowing comes to my ears from Ruby’s bedroom. My heart skips a beat. She hasn’t cried for a while. In fact, she hasn’t cried since she turned eighteen. I thought she’d recovered for good. Another desperate sigh reaches my ears, followed by a bang.
I pull the door handle and stride into the bedroom. My eyes travel to the double bed, locking on Ruby. And on the man who’s lying on top of her.
Heat rushes up my chest. My heart stops beating. I feel dizzy.
They’re naked. They’re fucking. Fucking hell. They. Are. Fucking.
Well, now, they’re staring at me, their bodies covered in droplets of sweat, the smell of sex all-pervasive, dense, dirty. Taboo.
“Eavan,” Ruby shrieks as she easies her weight onto her elbows and her thighs jerk up.
“Get off my sister,” I say through gritted teeth. “Now.”
Jack pulls himself up as my eyes flick over his hard cock; it’s shiny, covered in my sister’s arousal. Ruby hitches up the duvet and hides under it as Jack slips into his jeans.
“We need to talk,” he says, moving closer to me.
Rage fills my veins and I push at his hairy chest. “She’s my sister, you fucking sick—“
He grabs my wrist and shoves me outside of the bedroom. “Don’t make her upset.”
We stand opposite each other in the corridor.
“She’s eighteen,” I yell.
“Shut up,” he growls. “Go downstairs if you want to yell.”
He shoves my arm and I tumble towards the stairs.
“I’ll fucking kill you, Jack.” Tears blind me as my feet entangle and I almost fall down the stairs.
Jack hooks the back of my neck and grips my arm, saving my life. “Careful, sweetheart.”
“Fuck off.” I free myself from him and cross the living room, hands waving furiously.
Something violent wells up in my chest and a wail escapes my mouth. Jack wraps his arm around my back and pulls me to him. We enter the kitchen and I shake in his arms.
“What does that mean?” I squeak, pulling away. “What did you do? Why did you do that to her?”
Jack encloses me with his arms and I cry hysterically, moistening his chest with my tears.
“It means that you’re on your own from now on,” he says gently.
“No.”
He didn’t just say that. It can’t happen. It was never the plan.
“We are going to leave in a couple of days,” Jack says.
“No.”
There is something surreal about our conversation like my brain is unable to process the discovery of Jack and Ruby’s affair, his words, his goals, my sister’s goals. It’s like I’m in a dream.
“I don’t understand,” I say as dread bites every cell of my body.
It’s like something is coming to me, getting closer and closer, powerful and devastating like a tsunami. Unavoidable.
“I love her,” Jack says.
“No.”
“She loves me.”
“She’s only eighteen. She... Jack, she was just a kid. How could you?”
“I didn’t touch her until she turned eighteen. I’m not a pervert. You’ve always been only a kid to me, Eavan. Ruby was only a kid to me until she turned eighteen; I promise. You two have always annoyed me, you know that. Ruby tried, but I didn’t let her. Not until she was an adult.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “And it kind of started only a few days before her eighteenth birthday.”
“Very fucking honourable. She was a virgin.” My voice rises with every word. “Did you know that?”
“Eavan, I’m a grown up man. Really. I talk to Ruby about everything. And for your information, I knew.”
I grab my head in both my hands. “It wasn’t for you, Jack. It was for a nice guy of her age, not for you.”
“I love her, Eavan. She loves me. This was for us whether you like it or not.”
“No.” It comes out of my mouth as a whisper.
“Yes. I. Love. Your. Sister.”
Something crumbles inside me. “I can see but you’re not allowed to do such things. Jack, this is... This means you will be—“
“It just happened, Eavan. I didn’t plan that. She looked at me, kissed my lips and I was mush waiting for her to turn eighteen.” Jack pulls away from me and cups my face in both his hands. “I’m taking her very far from here.”
“Where?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“But your job, your life. Jack, it means...”
“Fuck my job. I want a little house in the woods and I want my girl sitting in the rocking chair on the veranda. We want two kids, you know. A future together. A normal life.”
I can hear Ruby walking into the kitchen. She slithers into Jack’s embrace and clings to him, her face glowing like that of an angel sculpture from the Cathedral.
“He’s too old, Ruby,” I say with sarcasm.
“I’m happy, Eavan,” Ruby says. “I’m very happy. You should find your happiness too. Jack will take care of me, you know that.”
“I know,” I shriek. “I fucking know that.”
Surprisingly, I’m not mad with them. Rudy�
��s bright smile and the fire in her eyes cause warmth to fill my chest. She is happy. Healed. Jack has healed her. I’m stunned, furious, but at the same time relieved.
Jack shoots his arm towards me and pulls me to him. He’s holding Ruby and me in his embrace as his lips touch the top of my head.
It feels safe as always when Jack is close to us. He is our citadel, our shelter, our hope. A soothing voice for me when I wake up at night, screaming, when Ruby’s wails, blood and agony torment me in my memories of that fatal night four years ago, when I need somebody to listen to me or just hug me. Jack is always for me with his matter-of-fact tone, strict rules, and pure warmth pervading his gaze when he’s thinking Ruby and I aren’t looking at him.
All the emotions tumble inside me, boil, and bubble. Then I’m numb like a black blanket is covering my mind. Like a hammer has banged against my brain.
Chapter 10
Eavan
We sit at the kitchen table. Jack entangles his fingers on the back of his neck.
“So,” I start, taking a deep breath then exhale slowly with an audible sound.
“I wanted to tell you,” Ruby squeaks. “But you have your own problems at the moment.”
“I have no problems,” I bark and shoot a snap of lightning towards Jack with my glance.
Jack sends me a grin and I raise my forefinger in a threatening gesture.
“It’s disgusting, you know,” I say. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe we should grab happiness when it happens. Maybe... I fucking don’t know.” Pain claws my heart. My lungs constrict. “I will never see you again, right?”
“Right,” Jack says in a matter-of-fact tone.
I feel like I’m dying in agony. It stabs me, burns me like a real fire, and strangles my throat like a rope. Devastation cascades down my neck to my chest, changing me forever. My soul stiffens, crumbles into pieces, incinerates. Rises from the ashes.
Suddenly, I’m detached, my mind sharp, as I compose myself. I’ve seen so much of shit in life. Really bad shit so I’ve mastered the ability to compose myself.
It’s useful now. It was useful when I was a kid.
Like when my father hit my mother and broke her arm. She hit him back so he broke her nose. I was a frightened little girl then suddenly everything turned icy cold inside me and I knew I had to stay away from them otherwise, my father would break my arm. I knew he could do that. He’d broken my fingers twice and thrown me at the wall once.
I ran to Ruby’s bedroom and locked the door. My sister curled into me, sobbing and I made a promise to myself. The promise that I’d keep her safe. Always.
“What is another woman?” Ruby squeaked.
She was only ten years old, frightened like a fawn surrounded by a pack of wolves.
“Don’t think about it.” I didn’t know what my mother had meant, yelling that accusation towards my father.
All I knew was that my parents didn’t love each other.
The older I grew though the more aware I became of my father’s weakness for young beautiful women.
On that night when everything changed for Ruby and me forever, Jack took us out of that shit and gave us hope. He’s been looking for us as our relative would. He loves us in his crude way.
But, I never expected he’d fall for Ruby in the romantic way. Well, they fucked like animals. It was primal not romantic, to be precise.
Embarrassment floods me like a wave of lava at the memory of their bodies clenched tight, slapping against one another, then jealousy jabs me like a thorn.
I want stability too. I want normality. I want to wake up beside my beloved husband every morning.
Now that Jack and Ruby don’t have to hide their feelings from me I can see their love.
It’s not right. It’s very wrong.
No—
I wouldn’t be right if they were ordinary people.
But they aren’t ordinary. In their case, it’s good. Unexpected but at the same time wonderful. Jack desires Ruby despite her disability. I know he will love her, protect her and make her happy.
He will look after her better than me. That thought pisses me off. I allow myself to be angry because if I allow myself to be sad I won’t let them leave me. I have to free them. This is Ruby’s chance for happiness. She needs a man by her side not a sister.
“It will be safer for you,” Ruby says as tears roll down her cheeks. “We want to be together and that’s the only way.”
“I know,” I rasp.
My eyes roam over Jack’s face, the furrows on his face giving him a harsh appearance. The furrows Ruby and I have learnt to love.
A memory flashes through my head.
Jack’s soothing voice, “It will be alright, kiddo. You’re safe now. I’m here for you.”
Another memory from a few months later courses through my head.
I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of Jack’s car. The gears screech under my hand.
“Fucking hell,” Jack says. “You’re going to kill my Alonso.”
I burst into laughter and nudge his chest with my elbow. “Who on Earth names their car?”
“Hush,” Jack says. “Alonso may feel offended.”
Ruby leans towards us from the back seat, kissing my cheek then Jack’s. “My sister is the worst driver of the world.”
“Ruby,” I explode.
“We will teach her, Ruby,” Jack says. “We will teach her to be the best driver of the world.”
Jack has no family, except Ruby and me. He’s been married twice and both his marriages ended in divorce.
“It’s fucked up,” I say.
“No more than it was fucked up previously,” Ruby says. “We’d have ended up as—“
“I know,” I say.
“That horrible night was a salvation.” Ruby raises her hands, holding her lips tightly together.
“Well,” I say and huff. “You don’t choose your family, do you?”
My father was a greedy man and my mother was too scared to protect Ruby and me from the shit seeping into our life.
I want Ruby to be happy. Her safety and happiness have always been on top list of my priorities.
“Okay,” I say. “But promise me you’ll have a boring happy life.”
“I promise,” Ruby says.
There is an eerie silence for a moment. It layers us like a duvet of sparkling crispy snow.
“Your dick is really impressive, Jack,” I say.
“What do you know about dicks?” Ruby says with sarcasm.
“Well,” I start and my face starts burning.
Jack rises from his chair in one graceful motion. “I will cook something.”
“Lasagne?” Ruby pleads like a child.
“Lasagne,” Jack says. “For my pretty girl.”
Ruby squeals with excitement and the celebration starts. It’s always like this when Jack is cooking. Ruby’s favourite music plays in the background as we bustle around the kitchen and follow his orders.
My mother never cooked.
My family had a maid and a cook to do all the chores.
Ruby and I attended a private catholic school.
We had fear instead of joy, coldness instead of warmth, and hatred instead of love.
After the meal, we sit in the sofa and watch TV, Ruby and me at either side of Jack’s chest. He starts snoring and my sister pats his nose with her fingers. Jack opens his eyes, pulls her to him and kisses her forehead. I pray in my mind for them so they’ll have a safe life together.
They pack their clothes into two small bags and leave the house two days later.
I’m on my own.
Well, the little secret in my womb is with me.
I didn’t tell them because Ruby wouldn’t have left me.
I will be fine. My baby makes me feel strong like never before. I trust Jack that he’ll take care of Ruby the best he can. I can focus on my own life. I can be selfish. Oh yes, I’m very selfish.
I enjoy being the mum of my unborn baby more
and more. Selfishly. I have a part of Seafra inside of my womb. I love it selfishly. The baby is my new life, all my goals, my universe. My joy and my future.
Chapter 11
Seafra
Charlie raises his glass and takes a sip of dark ale. “So, talk to me.” His blue eyes flicker with curiosity.
I take out my phone and show him a screen shot. A cold breeze brushes against my cheek. A couple with two kids pass us, separated from us by the low metal fence that encircles the pub.
“Really pretty,” Charlie says. “Is it something serious?”
“Very serious,” I say. “I fucking love her, Charlie.”
“Really?” He raises his bushy eyebrows at me. “You love her or love fucking her?”
“Both.”
Charlie chuckles and threads his fingers through his short brown hair. “What’s the problem then?”
“The last time I saw her two months ago she was using a fake name—“
“Wait a minute.” Charlie’s face wrinkles and he looks at me sternly.
“Let me finish, man.” I prop my elbows onto the table. “I met her when I had a concert in Rosrick and she introduced herself as Eavan. Then she disappeared. I saw her again in this village and she used the name Julia. Julia Ayers.”
“Leave it,” Charlie says firmly.
“No.”
“Are you fucking insane? It smells of shit.”
“The boys said the same, but she... Charlie, she’s the one I’m telling you. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t fuck. I want only her.”
“Focus on your career and forget about her.”
“I have no career. I have just retired.”
“You the fuck what?” Charlie grabs his head in both his hands.
“You heard me. ‘Red Asylum’ has a new vocal. A female vocal. She’s really good. And I’m Connor Mulloy again.” I toss my hair back. “Help me, Charlie. Help me to find the love of my life.”
“It’s fucking insane.” He huffs, takes two sips of his drink and slams the glass on the table. “Maybe she doesn’t want you. I know that all the chicks you meet throw themselves at you, but maybe this one is not interested. Make peace with that.”
“Charlie, she may be pregnant with me.”
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