Traci sips her coffee. She looks like she’s trying hard to appear casual. Hallie detects the sliver of uncertainty in the therapist’s behavior. “There’s no formula. We just talk about whatever’s on your mind. If you get stuck, I ask some questions, but for now, why don’t you just start by talking about how things are going over at your aunt’s house?”
Hallie sighs. This topic should be an easy one for her. It’s not. “Aunt Gina and Uncle Adam have been great. I know they are happy to have me here and have done so much to make me feel welcome and not just like a burden.”
Traci smiles. “But…” She’s observant.
“No but… really. I’ve spent most of my life dreaming of having a family care about me like they do. I know I should be grateful.”
“But, you’re not? Grateful, I mean?”
“Sure, I am. It’s just… they forget I’ve been on my own for a long time now. I’m not used to having people looking after me and telling me what to do.”
“So, Eddie didn’t do that for you?”
Hallie can’t stop her snort. “Oh, hell no. I was the one who did the taking care of, not the other way around. He blamed his antics on being an artist. I think it was just because he’s an immature prick.”
Traci’s eyes widen briefly at her choice of nouns. “So, you had to take care of him? What exactly does that mean?”
Hallie drains her coffee mug. “Mind if I help myself to another cup while we talk?”
Traci rises to serve her, but Hallie cuts her off. “No, sit. I’m happy to serve myself. In fact, would you like more?”
“Sure, thanks. But pouring coffee won’t get you out of answering the question.”
Hallie looks over her shoulder to see a kind smile on Traci’s face. “I know. No, I may be over five years younger than Eddie, but from day one, I was the mature one. He’d still be playing sets for beer in podunk towns in backwoods Louisiana if I hadn’t pushed him and got him organized.”
Traci’s confusion lets Hallie know she doesn’t know anything about Eddie. Hallie asks her. “Troy didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“Maybe you’ve never heard of him, but Eddie is Eddie Kingston, the lead singer of The Kings, a band.”
Traci doesn’t seem impressed. “I’ve never heard of them.”
“I’m not surprised. They’re just starting to take off now that they got their first recording deal and they’ve been traveling as the opening band for Matchbox 20.”
“That sounds exciting. You seem pretty young to be managing a band. I’m not wrong in assuming Eddie was more than just a band member to you, though, right?”
Hallie has taken her seat across from Traci again. “No, you’re not wrong. He was my boyfriend before I even knew he was in a band. We were both working part-time in a restaurant in Baton Rouge. I was going to the community college. He was trying to get the band rolling.”
“What kind of a guy was he back then?”
“Oh, he was charming, in a totally carefree kind of way. The rest of my life seemed so intense and he was a breath of fresh air at the time.”
Traci’s eyes never stop looking for cues. Hallie feels under a microscope. “So what was going on in the rest of your life that was so intense?”
The wave of sadness blankets Hallie’s heart like a heavy weight. She doesn’t like to remember that time in her life. She knows Traci has no clue that she’s just struck the therapist’s equivalent of gold by getting Hallie to tap into the hardest two years of her life within ten minutes of their time together. The old temptation to run from her memories flares and Hallie has to force herself to take a deep breath.
Traci’s voice is soft and reassuring. “We don’t have to go there yet, if you’re not ready.”
Hallie doubt’s she’ll ever be ready to talk about it. What she does know is she’s tired of running from her own memories. Tired of expending the energy of being angry with a man who probably hasn’t thought of her even once in the three years since she left home.
‘Home. Where is that anyway?’
Traci must wait a full minute for Hallie’s internal debate to conclude. In the end, it’s the kind woman patiently waiting for her across the kitchen island that finally has Hallie ready to relive memories she’d never shared with another living soul. Memories that she’d buried in the hopes they would be forgotten. Only as she’d matured has she figured out the impossibility of that task. She tried running away from them with Eddie and that failed. Maybe talking about them will help.
“Everything was fine until my grandma got sick my freshman year in high school.”
“Did you and your parents live near her?”
“I never knew my dad. My parents were never married and talking about him made my mom and grandma argue, so I tried not to ask too many questions about him.”
“So you and your mom lived with your grandma?”
“Yeah, and honestly, I had a great childhood. I know I’m supposed to feel upset that I never had a dad, but I’m not.”
“Hallie, you’re not supposed to feel anything, at least not with me. All I ask is you just be honest with me… and more importantly with yourself.”
“Yeah, well thanks for that.”
“So your grandma got sick?”
The panic of realizing her grandma had a terminal illness hits her as if she’d just heard the news. It has a way of sneaking up on her when she allows herself to wallow in memories. “Fucking lung cancer. She didn’t even smoke.”
“That really sucks. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Yeah, me too. As Nana got worse, my mom started to freak out. I had never realized how much she depended on Nana before. She had dated a couple times over the years, but nothing serious, but within a month of Nana’s funeral, she had this loser of a guy staying overnight at the house. I’d hoped it was just how she was dealing with her grief, but no such luck. She married the asshole a few months later.”
“Oh wow. That must have been a big change for you having a man in the house.”
“That’s the understatement of the century.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t like your new step-father.”
“I hated the prick.”
Traci smiles. “You like that word, I see.”
It takes Hallie a few seconds to realize what she’s referring to. “Yeah, well I guess I do. I’ve had more than my share of pricks in my life.”
“What was his name?”
“I told you. The Prick.” Traci isn’t smiling anymore. “Fine. Gene. His name is Gene.”
When Hallie sits silently, hoping for a change in subject, Traci smiles kindly. “You know my next question, don’t you?”
The therapist’s candid and honest approach is refreshing and not at all what Hallie expected from her first session with a professional. “I don’t like to talk about Gene.”
“Then don’t. Save him for another day when you’re feeling up to it.”
“Really? You aren’t going to pelt me with intrusive questions, making me spill my inner angst?”
Traci’s laughter is genuine. “I hate how Hollywood has everyone thinking all psychologists are prying idiots, only interested in getting their patients to break down into tears in every session. Sorry to disappoint, but I actually like people to leave here feeling better than when they arrived. One day, I hope you’ll feel like talking about Gene will help you feel better. I’m not sure you’re there today. So why don’t you tell me more about Eddie.”
Hallie can’t help but giggle. “Well, sure because talking about him is so much better.”
“Fine, what do you want to talk about?”
Hallie hesitates, unsure if she wants to really know more or not. “How about Corbin’s Bend and well, you know… what makes it different.”
Traci’s watching her carefully, as if she’s unsure what to share. Hallie is reminded that she is technically not an official member of the co-op. Still, she’s curious.
“I’m happ
y to answer any of your questions, Hallie, but before I do, have you talked to your Aunt Gina or Uncle Adam about this? They have lived here longer than I have and as a married couple, they can answer any questions about the town and its guidelines better than I can.”
“Maybe, but my questions aren’t necessarily about the rules as much as they are about…”
Hallie can see understanding in Traci’s expressive eyes. Her own heartbeat has increased for some unknown reason. “I see. You’re more interested in understanding why a woman like me would choose to live here.”
“Not just you. Why would any woman want to live here? Like Aunt Gina and that wife of the guy that was here on Saturday. She was beautiful. She could have any guy she wanted. Why marry some guy who makes her live in a place where the men can beat their women?”
For the first time, Hallie sees a flash of anger in Traci’s eyes, but she quickly tamps it down. Her voice doesn’t betray her irritation when she speaks. “Like I explained to you on Saturday, those of us choosing to live here see a very wide divide between things like beating and abuse and what we practice here.”
“So if not beating and abuse, what words do you use?”
“Discipline. That can take the form of many things, but there is one key difference in my mind.” She stops, making sure Hallie is paying close attention. “To me, a beating as you are thinking of is done to hurt someone. To tear them down. It makes them feel bad or humiliated. A beating is done to make someone feel powerless.”
Hallie butts in. “Exactly. So why would you or Aunt Gina allow that. You both seem way too smart for that.”
Traci smiles indulgently. “Well, thanks, but you just made my point for me. I’m not sure I can speak for your Aunt Gina and certainly not for every TiH resident in Corbin’s Bend, but I know that most of us feel that the discipline provided by our HoH’s is the antithesis of what I just described as a beating. We know how much our HoH’s love us. They don’t like to make us feel pain, but they know that the discipline they provide is helping us to grow and feel safe. Let me ask you a question, and you don’t have to tell me what, but have you ever made a mistake that made you ashamed of yourself or feel guilty for days or weeks later?”
Several stupid mistakes of her youth come to mind. “Well sure. Haven’t we all?”
“Exactly. How great would it have been if you could have put that behind you right away and felt less guilty while learning your lesson not to make that mistake again?”
“Is this a trick question?”
“No. I’m just telling you that’s what I get out of domestic discipline. I like being held accountable and knowing someone cares enough to notice and correct me if I screw up. I don’t think there could be any more intimate thing to share between a couple.”
Her use of the word intimate surprises Hallie. “So…” She thinks twice about her question. Traci catches it.
“Go ahead. Ask. I can tell you have something you want to ask me.”
Hallie’s question is soft. She hates the flutter in her core as she recalls the vision of Traci on the receiving end of Troy’s discipline. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but what in the world could you have possibly done that could have made it okay for Troy to use his belt on you?”
Hallie regrets asking the question immediately. The blush on Traci’s face grows deeper as the seconds pass. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have asked that. I don’t want you to feel guilty.”
“That’s the thing, Hallie. I don’t feel guilty anymore. Troy helped me understand my mistake and even why I made it and I’m positive it will never happen again. I’m so lucky Troy was here that night. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn’t been.”
“What, it could have been worse than being belted?”
“Unfortunately. Listen, I’m not proud of this and under normal circumstances, I would tell you it’s none of your business, but you and I got off to a rather strange start. I feel bad that you seem to think that my brother is the devil incarnate for spanking me. Can I trust you to keep what I am about to tell you confidential? It would be very embarrassing for me should it get out and more than that, I’m afraid it could damage the confidence the people in Corbin’s Bend have in me.”
“Wow, that sounds pretty serious. You don’t have to tell me, Traci, but if you do, I would never tell anyone. It’s none of their damn business.”
“Friday was my thirtieth birthday. A few of my friends had taken me out for a very nice lunch to celebrate, but everyone had plans that night and I confess, I was feeling sorry for myself that I was turning thirty and haven’t found my Mr. Right yet. I decided to go out to celebrate on my own. I went to a bar and flirted and ended up picking up a stranger. Worse, I was stupid enough to drive home after drinking several drinks, but had Troy not been here waiting, who knows what that guy would have done to me once he got me alone here in my house.”
“Holy shit. When you cut one loose, you do it good.”
“I’ve never done anything like that before, and I’d like to think that I would have never done it ever again regardless, but Troy being here just made sure I’ll never forget the lesson.”
Hallie feels weird even asking. “So… Troy and you. I mean, wasn’t it weird? He’s your brother, right?”
“I know what you are thinking so let me stop you right there. Troy had never given me a spanking before and I pray he never has to ever again. It was a one-time deal for us. You just have to know that we grew up in a DD family. Our parents were the best example of a loving marriage based on respect and love. It carried over to our whole family. We all knew that Dad was the head of our house. Like Troy said, if Dad had been here waiting for me to get home that night, I wouldn’t have sat down for a week, and the scary thing is, he’s probably right. Troy was easy on me compared to Dad.”
She may not understand why, but the flutter in Hallie’s tummy has migrated lower as the discussion has continued. “So you really aren’t mad at him?”
“Mad? No. I love him for being brave enough to do what he knew I needed that night. I’m embarrassed that he caught me making one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. I’m worried that it might make things a little weird between us for a while, although he stayed the weekend and everything seemed back to normal by the time he left.”
“So, my Aunt Gina really does let Uncle Adam spank her too?”
Traci looks more uncomfortable. “I think you need to talk to her about that, Hallie. Even if she and I had discussed it in the past, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about that with you. I’m sure you understand. I do encourage you to talk to her about it though. More importantly, I’d like you to watch the couples and families as you interact with them here in town. Then compare what you see to many of the other people you’ve met in the past, and then we can talk about the differences you notice, okay?”
Hallie’s heart has spiked. “What the hell? You mean everyone spanks each other out in public for everyone to watch?”
Traci is laughing at her again. “No silly. Well, I guess you might see a swat here or there, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean to look at how happy everyone is. How peaceful things are. Outsiders think Corbin’s Bend is more violent because we believe in corporal punishment but the irony is, the discipline we follow actually keeps angst to a minimum. That’s what I’d like you to see if you can pick up on and maybe we can talk about that on Wednesday when we get back together.”
The women talk for another thirty minutes before Aunt Gina joins them for a final coffee. Hallie’s head is swimming with new information by the time she heads to her new home with Aunt Gina. She has so much to think about.
One week later, the weather is nice enough for Hallie to walk for the first time to Traci’s house. In some ways, it feels like she’s been living in Corbin’s Bend for much longer than she has. She’s sure it’s because the people in town have all welcomed her with open arms.
At first she thought everyone was
stopping by Aunt Gina’s just to meet her and get the gossip on the young woman who had burst into Traci Jackson’s house in the middle of the night. But as the week progressed and Aunt Gina would take her on visits to her friend’s houses, Hallie had started to realize this was the norm for the quiet town nestled in the mountains of Colorado.
Hallie has never felt safer than here in Corbin’s Bend, yet she’s begun to recognize an uneasiness within herself that she’s been reluctant to examine too closely. Traci has danced around it with her during the two other sessions they’ve had together and now, on her way to Traci’s on this new Monday morning, she wonders if she might figure it out today.
The piles of snow lining the streets are melting in the vibrant December sunlight, making Hallie choose her steps carefully to avoid the slushy puddles encountered on her way to Traci’s. She needs to zigzag across several tree-lined streets to reach Spanking Loop.
She’s about two blocks away when she hears the unmistakable sounds of a woman crying out. Several long seconds of silence have her wondering if she’d imagined the whole thing before the sound of a loud crack followed by an even louder wail of pain breaks the silence of Corbin’s Bend. Over and over in a steady rhythm, paddle… cry… paddle… cry…
Hallie stands rooted, unsure what to do. As the sounds of a harsh punishment filter down through an open window, she has to fight down unwanted and conflicting emotions. Her brain is furious for the poor woman being abused. She has to resist her natural urge to take action, although what action that might be escapes her as she stands on the sidewalk in Corbin’s Bend, Colorado, a community founded for people who believe in corporal punishment of submissive partners.
Her brain sees this issue as cut and dry. Spankings are violent and therefore they are abuse. Period. She tries valiantly to hold onto her anger as she remembers what the abuse had felt like at the hands of her step-father and more recently her ex-boyfriend, but having lived through true abuse, she begrudgingly acknowledges that what’s happening behind closed doors on this sunny morning feels different. Her last trace of anger fizzles away when the thrashing finishes and the clear sound of passionate sex replaces the pounding punishment.
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