by L. Wilder
“No, sweet girl. It’s me who’s sorry. I should’ve done so many things differently,” her mother cried.
When she noticed that I had come up behind them, Ellie turned to her mother and said, “I’d like you to meet Scotty.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, Scotty. I’m Eleanor.” She motioned for us to follow as she said, “It’s freezing out here. Let’s go inside and get you two warmed up.”
Just as we were stepping inside, I heard Ellie’s father say, “I told you she’d come.”
“Hi, Dad.” Ellie smiled as she glanced around the living room. “It still looks the same.”
“There are some things that are different,” Eleanor announced. “Your father bought the Turner’s land a few years back. He’s expanded the farm to almost four hundred acres.”
“That’s really great, Dad. I’m really proud for both of you.” As soon as the words left her mouth, her expression changed. Her eyes narrowed with concern as she asked, “Wait. Is that how you got my bail money?”
“Yes, dear. He used it as collateral,” Eleanor explained. “But don’t you worry about that. We’d do it again to help.”
Hoping to ease the tension that was building in the room, I stepped forward and said, “Why don’t you tell them your good news?”
“You’ll be getting your money back soon. My case was closed this morning.”
“With everything that has taken place, we may not have the right to ask, but please, will you tell us what happened?” her father asked.
“I’ll tell you all of it, but you should probably sit first. It’s not going to be an easy story to hear,” Ellie explained.
Once we were all seated, Ellie told them everything that had transpired over the past eight years, including how she’d lost the baby. As she spoke, her parents wept, and I could see the heartache and guilt on their faces as they heard the horrific things that had happened to their daughter. I couldn’t imagine how they must’ve felt, but it was hard to feel sorry for them. The choices they made had a lasting effect on them all, and things could’ve been different if they’d just accepted that their daughter was strong-willed, but still, in fact, their daughter. I just hoped that they’d all learned from their past mistakes and could move forward, mending what was broken between them. Once she’d finished telling them everything, Eleanor went over to Ellie and hugged her as she cried, “I just don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you answer our calls or letters? We could’ve—”
“What letters?” Ellie interrupted.
“We wrote you all the time, Ellie. And we tried calling, but it always went to your voicemail. I thought you were just avoiding us.”
“I never received any letters, Mom. And I certainly never got any phone calls. I thought the both of you were still angry with me for leaving.”
And just like that, Brady proved once again just how much of a lowlife, piece of shit he was. Enraged, I turned to Ellie and said, “I’m guessing Brady didn’t want you talking to your folks. He probably blocked their number from your phone and intercepted all the letters before you had a chance to see them.”
“I can’t believe he did that.” My heart ached for her as I watched tears stream down her face. “He knew how hurt I was.”
“Honey, there’s no way any of us could know what that boy was thinking. We’ve just got to focus on the future and try to put the past behind us.”
“Your mother’s right. I’m just glad you finally got free of him.” Her father turned his attention to me and said, “I want to thank you for helping my daughter like you did. I owe you a great deal.”
“It wasn’t just me. She had the whole club looking out for her,” I explained.
“Not sure I really understand all the club talk, but I will forever be indebted to you all for what you’ve done.”
“I’ll explain more about the club later,” Ellie told him. “Maybe during my next visit.”
“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot, and bring your friend when you come,” he replied.
“I will.” She glanced around the room as she asked, “What about Joseph? What is he doing these days?”
“Your brother is overseas,” Eleanor told her with a pained expression. “He joined the army a few months after you left. He’s been home a couple of times, but not for long. I think it was just too hard for him to be here without you. Maybe that will change now.”
“Can you give me his number or email? I’d really like to reach out to him, if that’s okay?”
“Of course.” Her mother jotted the information down on a piece of paper, then handed it to her. “He would love to hear from you.”
“Thanks.” She looked down at her watch and stood up. “It’s getting late, and we have a long drive back. I guess we better get going.”
I said a quick goodbye to each of them and stepped outside to give Ellie a moment alone with her folks. A few minutes later, she came outside with a smile. “Thank you so much for this. It was really good to see them."
I smiled and led her out to the truck. As I started the engine, I was feeling pretty good about the surprise I had planned for Ellie, but just to be safe, I took my time driving back to the house. When we finally pulled up in the driveway, I was relieved to see that the guys were already gone. As we started inside, Ellie turned to me and asked, “Is something going on?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. It seems like something’s been on your mind all day. I was just wondering if everything was okay.”
“Everything’s fine.” After I opened the front door, I said, “I do have something to show you though.”
“Is it something bad? Because if it’s something bad, then I really don’t want to see it right now.” She barely had a chance to catch her breath before she continued, “It’s just that today was such a good day, and I don’t want to ruin it. I want us to just be able to—”
“Ellie.”
“Is it bad?”
“No. It’s not bad.” I took her hand and led her over to the row of windows that faced the ocean, and just as I’d hoped, there was now a roomy porch with wrap-around seating along the wooden rails. There was also a large fire pit in the center to keep us warm on those cold winter nights. “Well? What do you think?”
“Diesel! It’s unbelievable. How did you do all this?”
“Guardrail and the guys did it today while we were gone.”
“When did you have time to …” Her voice trailed off while the wheels started turning in that head of hers.
“Do you remember that first night I brought you here? We were looking out at the ocean, and you said if I built a porch out here that—”
She stopped me mid-sentence. “I would never leave.”
“Exactly. That’s why I left that night to go to the clubhouse. I went to work the details out with Cotton.” I pulled her towards me and continued, “Did you mean what you said?”
“About never leaving?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t have to build that porch to get me to stay, Diesel. I love you, and you alone are enough of a reason for me to stay.”
“I’m glad to hear that, because I love you, too, angel. And I want you here with me. I want to make you happy.”
“You already do. Just by being you.”
Chapter 20
Ellie
Two months later
I’ve never been one to put a lot of stock in counseling, dredging up and then talking about all the bad things that have happened in one’s life, but I was wrong. After just a few sessions with my therapist, Dr. Annette Jelks, I was already feeling better about myself and coming to terms with the nightmare that was my past.
Dr. Jelks was older, in her mid-sixties or so, and she dressed a little bit like a hippie with her long, flowy dresses and gaudy jewelry. I liked her smile and the purple tint in her gray hair. Yes, she was a bit eccentric, but I felt at ease from the first moment I met her, even though it took some time for me to truly open up. Ot
her than Diesel, and until recently, my parents, I hadn’t spoken to anyone about my past, but with each session, it became easier. She listened to me without judgment, even when it was deserved, and didn’t provoke any conversations that I wasn’t ready to talk about. When I felt that the time was right, I disclosed some of the awful things that Brady had done to me; she let me take things at my own pace, never interrupting me or leading me in another direction. She encouraged me to get out everything I needed to say, and once I was done, she would always ask the same question—just like she’d done during my latest session.
I had just finished telling her about the night I’d gone to the bar with Kelley, a friend of mine from the coffee shop for simply one quick, little drink. I came home a few minutes late, but Brady was furious when I walked in the door. He never liked me talking to anyone, much less making an actual friend, and to punish me for going against him, he beat me and then shoved me in a closet. Brady left me there for over twenty-four hours, and when he finally released me, he beat me again for making a mess in the closet.
As soon as I finished describing what had happened to me, Dr. Jelks picked up her pen and asked, “How did that make you feel?”
I thought it was an absurd question, but as always, I still answered, “I felt humiliated and angry. I hated him for doing that to me.”
“I assume that you weren’t able to discuss those feelings with him.”
“I tried at first, but he never really listened; after a while, he’d become so angry if I tried to bring it up that we’d start fighting all over again,” I scoffed. “I just learned to keep my mouth shut and avoid him as much as possible.”
“That must’ve been very hard on you.”
I knew what she was doing, but I took the bait. “Yes, it was, but he would be better for a while … even nice. But it never lasted. It was a vicious cycle.”
“Most cases of domestic violence are just like what you’ve described. After an attack, the aggressor feels guilty, and that remorse hangs around for a while. But inevitably, something always triggers the anger.”
“I tried not to provoke him. I tried to do everything the way he would want it, but I couldn’t seem to do anything right.”
“I learned something a long time ago, Ellie, and it was a hard lesson to learn. You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself. There was nothing you could do or say that would stop Brady from behaving the way he did. It only stopped when you decided to stand up to him. You gathered your courage, you faced your fear, and in the end, you got away from him. You changed the direction of your life because you were brave enough to make the change in yourself.”
“So, it wasn’t just me? You really don’t think Brady could’ve ever changed?”
She studied me for a moment before she continued, “There are therapists out there who would disagree with me, but I truly think that there are some people who just can’t be helped. I believe Brady is one of those people, but you, on the other hand, you have already made insurmountable changes. And I think those changes have been for the better, don’t you?”
“I think so. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I have my family back. I even talked to my brother the other day.”
“I’m pleased to hear that you were finally able to reach him. How did that conversation go?”
“Really well, actually. As you can imagine, we had a lot of catching up to do.”
“That’s good to hear.” With a hopeful tone in her voice, she asked, “And your folks? How are things going with them?”
“It’s taking some time to get used to having them back in my life. For so long I was on my own, not having anyone who really cared about me, and now it seems like I have two families. But I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
“And Scotty?” When I smiled, she raised your eyebrow and said, “I take it things are going well with him.”
“Yes. Very much so. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible.”
“Have you two talked about the possibility of having a family down the road?”
“He wants children, but I’m not sure. I don’t think I could go through it again. If I lost another child, especially his, I think it would destroy me,” I confessed.
“You’re stronger than you think, Ellie. Don’t ever let fear stop you from your dreams. A child can be a wonderful blessing. I’m sure you remember the feeling of being pregnant, having a little part of yourself growing inside of you and the love you felt for that child. I know it was difficult for you to lose her, but don’t let that stop you from trying again. If the time comes when you are ready for a child, then you’ll know it.”
Like always, she’s helped me see things from a different perspective. “Okay. Thank you.”
“That just about does it for our session today. Same time next week?” she asked as she stood up.
As I followed her to the door, I said, “Yes. That will be great. Thank you so much.”
When I got downstairs, Diesel was waiting for me. The weather had finally warmed up, so I wasn’t surprised to see that he took the bike. He loved riding that crazy thing. I loved riding it, too, mainly because it gave me an excuse to be close to him. When he saw me walking in his direction, he grabbed my helmet and offered it to me. “How’d it go?”
“Good.” I climbed on and sat down behind him and asked, “Where are we going?”
“I thought we’d shoot over to the hospital to see Liv and the baby, if that’s okay with you.”
“I thought they would be home by now.”
He gave me a slight shrug. “I don’t know about all that. I just know they’re still at the hospital, and since we’re right here, I thought we’d visit them. But we can go some other time—”
“Now is great. I would love to meet little Casey.”
As soon as I put my helmet on, Diesel pulled out onto the road and started driving towards the hospital. I hadn’t held a baby since that night, and I was feeling a little anxious. I didn’t want to have a breakdown in front of Liv or his brothers, but I knew it was important to Diesel that we go. It was important to me as well. Over the past few months, Diesel’s brothers and their wives have become my family, and I loved each and every one of them. I wanted to be there to congratulate Liv and Clutch, so I swallowed my anxiety and followed Diesel to their hospital room. When we walked in, Clutch was holding Casey in his arms while Liv slept soundly. He was so proud that it looked like he might burst right there on the spot.
His voice just above a whisper, Clutch said, “Hey, brother. Get your ass over here and see my beautiful daughter.”
Diesel eased over to him, trying his best not to wake up Liv, and as soon as he got a look at Casey, a huge smile crept over his face. “She’s just beautiful. Thank God, she looks like her mother.”
“You wanna hold her?”
“Well, yeah. Why do you think we came over here?” Clutch gently lowered his daughter into Diesel’s arms. “She’s so tiny.”
“She weighed in at seven pounds two ounces, and she’s twenty-one inches long,” Clutch boasted.
I looked at Diesel with that baby in his arms, and when I saw the tender look in his eyes, my heart melted. He lowered his lips to her head and kissed her lightly as he whispered, “Hey there, pretty girl. I’m your Uncle Diesel.”
“Can you believe it, man? I’m a father.”
“I know. It’s freaking me out just a little.” Diesel teased. “And to think that Smokey’s next. Damn.”
“He’s not gonna know what to do with himself,” Clutch told him. “There’s no other feeling like this. It’s gonna blow his mind.”
“She really is a doll, brother. You did good.”
“Thanks. I think so.”
Diesel looked over to me and asked softly, “You wanna hold her?”
I’d been keeping it together pretty well, and I didn’t want to take the chance on losing it, so I told him, “No, that’s okay.”
“You sure?” He walked over to me. “Sh
e’s a real beauty.”
As soon as I saw her up close, I knew there was no way I could turn him down again. “Okay.”
Diesel carefully placed her in my arms and smiled. “Yeah, we’re definitely gonna have to have a house full of these.”
I looked down at her precious, little fingers and her tiny button nose, and I was overcome with an emotion I hadn’t expected. Her smell. Her innocence. The way she felt in my arms. Holding her didn’t give me a feeling of sadness or regret. Instead, I felt joy—pure and absolute—joy. While holding Casey didn’t make me want to have a child right now, it did make me realize that the possibility was there. I looked over to Clutch and said, “She’s perfect. Positively perfect.”
“Thanks, doll.” He smiled warmly. “How are things with you? Anything new going on?”
“Everything’s great. I’ve been going to counseling every week, and I really like Dr. Jelks, my therapist. It turns out that seeing her was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. She’s helped me a lot.”
“That’s really good to hear.”
“I’ve also signed up for some summer classes, so I’ll be going to school part-time and working at the coffee shop. I’m really excited about it.”
“That sounds pretty awesome, Ellie. Glad everything’s heading in the right direction for ya.”
“I couldn’t have done it without all of you, especially Diesel.” I looked over to him and smiled. “He’s been really wonderful.”
“You got yourself a good one with him.”
“Yes, I did.”
I looked back down at the baby one last time before I walked her back over to her father. As I lowered her down into his arms, I said, “You better get yourself prepared. She’s going to be a real heartbreaker.”
“Oh, man. I don’t even wanna think about it.” Clutch shook his head. “We’re gonna have to get busy. She’s gonna need a little brother who can look out for her.”
“Don’t even think about it,” Liv mumbled with her eyes still closed. “I’m gonna need some time to rebound before we start trying for another one.”
