by Darien Cox
Now they were talking shit behind his back. Tim was right, normally it wouldn’t bother Tyler. The village team talked shit about everyone, including each other. It wasn’t personal. So why was it bothering him now? And then suddenly, he knew why. It was because they’d said these things in front of Tim. And for some reason, Tyler did care what Tim Patterson thought about him. He pinned Tim with a hard stare. “Do you think I’m a robot?”
“Me? Uh...” Tim’s cheeks flushed, eyes darting around the truck as though searching for an escape route so he wouldn’t have to answer. “I...I don’t know you that well. I mean, you’re not the cuddliest person I ever met. But you sure helped me out when I needed it. It was just a joke, Tyler. You know how those guys are.”
“I’m not a robot. I’m just different than most people you’ll meet in your everyday life. Because of my job.”
Tim nodded, slowly, as though Tyler was a live wire tied to a bomb he didn’t want to set off. “Okay.”
“I’m not upset about it or anything, they can call me whatever they want. I’m just saying. It would be a lot easier if I were a fucking robot. But I’m not. It takes work. Just being me takes work and...” His words drifted off as his throat tightened. Caught off-guard by old emotions, he steadied himself, taking a deep breath. “Anyway, whatever. They can say what they want.”
“Okay, listen to me.” Tim leaned in closer. “I’m sorry, Tyler. Really, I am. I was insensitive and I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“You didn’t. It’s fine.”
“Just...” Tim chuckled. “Enough with the ‘it’s fine’. It obviously bothered you. And I was flip about it. So I’m sorry. For the record, the guys weren’t saying it maliciously. I guess people just don’t always understand you.”
“I don’t require people’s understanding.”
“I know. Maybe that’s part of what makes you come off as weird. Most people need to be understood, at least on some level. They want to see themselves reflected back. To make a connection. You don’t seem to...need that.”
Tyler shrugged. “I’m not shocked by the assessment or anything. But the thing is, it’s easier for other people to connect, because they can find common ground with each other. Very few people in the real world share my experiences, even these guys in the village. Just because we all answer to Ogden doesn’t mean we’re the same. So while it’s easy for people like them and...like you to go around making connections and being all understood and shit, I don’t have that luxury.”
Tyler could hardly believe he was speaking this openly—even if he was speaking about not being open. Beyond Ogden, and sometimes Brett, he never talked about himself or his feelings. Maybe it was because Tim wasn’t part of that world. He was outside of it. There was an openness to Tim Patterson, a kind of heart-on-his-sleeve innocence that made Tyler feel like he could let his guard down. “Does that make sense?” he asked, because Tim was just staring at him, silent. “Well?”
Tim sighed and turned away.
“What?” Tyler said. “Why you sighing?”
“Forget it,” Tim said. “You’ll just dismiss me and say I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m naïve or whatever.”
“I won’t. If you have something to say, say it.”
“Okay.” Tim shifted in his seat and faced him. “I just don’t think you have to be exactly like someone, or have had the same experiences, to find common ground. People can be different and still connect.”
“There’s different, and then there’s different, Tim. I know you’re still adjusting to the alien shit as you call it, but eventually that will fade. And you’ll go back to your nice little life in the village. You’ll go days, weeks, eventually months without thinking about it at all. You’ll still know aliens exist of course, but it won’t be something you think about all the time. You’ll go back to being just the forest ranger and you’ll pick up guys in JT’s pub and you’ll play poker and drink beer and all the things you used to do. You’ll get to be normal. I never can be, because of my job.”
Tim blinked. “How did you know I play poker?”
“We have dossiers on everyone.”
“Of course you do.” Rolling his eyes, Tim said, “I’m not stupid, I know what you think of me. That I’m some privileged gay playboy who grew up in this queer utopian village, so I’ve never had to face any strife. And maybe you’re right. I have had an easy life. But it doesn’t mean I can’t have empathy. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t understand you if you’d let me.”
“Oh. We’re talking about you? You want to understand me?”
Tim shrugged, looking shy suddenly. “Yeah. I do. Is that so shocking?”
“You don’t want to understand me, Tim.” He shook his head. “Not really.”
“You think I can’t handle it. Right? You think Tim’s just a delicate little normal-head who’ll eventually break down and lose his mind again.”
“No, I don’t think that. But it’s not about what I think. It’s about what you think.”
“How so?”
“You’ve hated it ever since you found out extraterrestrials exist and were brought into the fold. Had to deal with the secrecy and the lies and the headfuck of it all. That’s what I’ve been hearing from you all night. You hate it. Hate everything about it you said.”
“Yeah. I guess I did say that.”
“Well, that’s who I am, Tim. Everything that makes you uncomfortable and scared and pissed off. That’s who I am. That’s all that I am. You say you want to understand me? Well, understand this. That thing you hate? I’m part of it. I’m the thing you hate.”
Tim kissed him.
It was so unexpected that Tyler froze, stomach tightening at the sudden press of warm lips against his. When he didn’t protest, Tim made it deeper, shifting his head, fingers hooking around Tyler’s neck.
Tyler exhaled into Tim’s mouth, but remained stiff and hesitant, even as his body caught fire. Groaning involuntarily at the first lick of tongue, he finally relaxed and leaned into it.
The taste of Tim’s mouth, the scent, the familiarity of his touch, and the memory of the last time they were together—it made this more than just a kiss. That emotionally carnal place they’d visited months ago jolted awake, welcoming him back. Back to that place where he’d exploded with pleasure while Tim whispered his name and pleaded for something beyond his understanding. It was all still there, the memory fresh as if it happened yesterday, and while he’d definitely thought about kissing Tim again, he’d not expected it would resurrect these intense feelings.
But then that deep part of Tyler who hated himself, the Tyler ashamed of the things he’d done, it reared up and whispered through the haze of lust and emotion. You can’t have this, Tyler. You don’t deserve this. Not YOU.
He tried to push the voice down, because he wanted this, wanted to keep kissing Tim and let the tidal wave of feeling wash over him until he drowned in it. But the sudden conflict of emotion panicked him, so he pushed Tim away. “Stop.”
“Sorry.” Tim eased back, chest heaving with a heavy breath. “You just really turn me on, Tyler.”
“I...were you even listening to what I said?”
“I heard you.” Reaching out, Tim stroked Tyler’s cheek. “But I don’t believe that’s all you are.” He shook his head. “I don’t believe it.”
Tyler snatched Tim’s hand, shoving it off his face. “Then you’re fooling yourself. I won’t take responsibility for that. If you refuse to see who I am, that’s on you.”
Flinching, Tim leaned back in his seat. “Okay. Got it.”
Tim looked wounded, and Tyler instantly regretted lashing out. But even after Tyler made that bad decision to sleep with Tim while he was vulnerable, the guy seemed ready to put his faith in him again, and it was jarring. Tyler was self-aware enough to know he wasn’t the type of person a guy should put his faith in. He was too damaged and his life was too weird. The look in Tim’s eyes when he stroked his cheek just now, when he said those wo
rds, I don’t believe that’s all you are...for a moment, Tyler felt responsible for Tim’s emotional state once again.
And because of that, he foresaw the inevitability of letting him down. But there was still no excuse for snapping at him like that. There was hurt in Tim’s eyes, and it made Tyler’s stomach ache. “I’m sorry. My reaction was uncalled for. You kissing me and...touching me like that, it was just unexpected.”
“Was it really that unexpected, Tyler? It’s not like I haven’t touched you before.”
“That was different.” As soon as the words left his mouth he knew it was the wrong thing to say. Tim looked like he’d been slapped. Tyler tried to do damage-control, but only succeeded in fucking it up more. “What I mean is that was circumstantial. When we were together before. Because you were upset.”
“I see. So it really was just a sympathy-fuck last time.”
“Tim come on, I did not say that.”
“But your eyes say it now.” Tim sighed. “Damn. I think I preferred the robot stare. Least I didn’t have to see the truth. That I actually repulse you.”
“What? No.” Christ, is that what his eyes were showing? Tyler knew he’d mastered the blank stare, but he certainly wasn’t repulsed by Tim Patterson. Quite the opposite. Maybe he’d been masking his emotions so long he’d lost the ability to properly project them. “You don’t repulse me, Tim.”
Tim laughed hard. “Oh, Christ, Tyler.” He raked his fingers over his face. “I guess coming from you that’s damn near a term of endearment.”
“No, wait, that came out wrong.”
“No.” Tim held a hand up. “I’m sorry. You told me who you are. I didn’t want to believe you. But I should have. It was my mistake. Forget I kissed you, all right? We’re good. Let’s go look at that footage.”
“Tim, hang on a sec—”
Tim left the truck. Tyler watched him walk up to the front door of Nolan and Elliot’s house. He rang the bell then waited on the porch, hands on his hips.
“Shit,” Tyler whispered, hanging his head. The pit churned his stomach again. Maybe he needed to see the doctor back at headquarters. Or maybe he just needed to stop thinking about Tim Patterson. Which was kind of hard to do now that he’d been assigned to shadow him. Why should simply caring about someone cause this hurt feeling inside? Was he doing it wrong?
He didn’t like feeling this way. How did regular people handle it?
Maybe he could change it. He was a master at manipulating his thoughts and taming the sources that provoked them. He’d quite literally written the instruction manual. He taught other people how to do it for crying out loud. So why not use that skill to fix this situation?
Yes, maybe that was the solution.
He could change the entire dynamic between him and Tim, purge the past and all the feelings that went along with it. Because that’s what was causing all the inner turmoil right now. That memory of their night together. At least for Tyler. Kissing Tim just now had felt like coming apart, like some unseen entity was tugging on a thread that held Tyler together. But surely that could be remedied and stitched back up.
A lightbulb went on in his head as the idea solidified. Sure, he couldn’t change the past. But maybe he could override it.
By having sex with Tim again.
Casually this time. Not to soothe him, or to stop a meltdown, or for any reason other than to just do it. The circumstances would have to be completely different. They could just fuck like a couple of guys who were attracted to each other, with nothing else in the mix. And thusly, make a new memory. One without all this emotional frailty.
Like a fix-it patch, overlaying something worn and frayed. Creating something that was not exactly new, but new enough to cover the old and broken. For both of them. Tim had said the memory was humiliating for him. Surely, he’d want to override it as well. Together they could make it happen.
Tyler got out of the truck and walked quickly up the path to the door, where Tim still lingered, hands in his pockets, bouncing on his heels. “Tim.”
Tim looked at him, expression hard. His poker-face was pretty good, but Tyler could still see the anger and hurt simmering there. “Hey,” Tim said. “Elliot’s not answering the door.”
“I have a key.”
“Good. Hurry up and use it. It’s freezing out here.”
“We should talk first.”
Shaking his head, Tim chuckled. “I got it the first time you gave me the speech, Tyler. We’re good. Really. Don’t worry about it.”
“I think we should fuck again.”
Tim’s eyes widened and he took a step back. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“Um...Tyler, you just freaked out after a simple kiss.”
“Just hear me out. Would you have taken me home that night after Elliot’s wedding if you hadn’t gotten upset over seeing Baz? Would you have taken me home regardless?”
“I don’t know. If you were willing I guess. Where are you going with this?”
“Casual sex. Without all the emotional baggage this time. We fuck and get it over with. Make a new memory to replace the old one, because it’s still clearly weighing on both of us.”
“Tyler, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you and me fucking again. If you want to. I think it will make things easier. Us working together. All of it.”
“You think us fucking is going to make things easier.”
“Yes.”
Tim shook his head and glanced skyward. “If you actually think sex is a tool to uncomplicate things, you definitely haven’t been living in the real world.”
“Just think about it. I considered all the variables, and I really believe it’s a good strategy. I’m pretty sure it will work.”
Tim stared at him, then chuckled. “Jesus Christ, Tyler. You really are weird.”
“Hang on, I’m coming!” Elliot called from inside the house.
Tyler stepped in close. “Soon,” he whispered in Tim’s ear. “Next time we’re alone.”
“Tyler, stop.”
“I’ll let you do whatever you want.”
“You’re insane!” Tim hissed, then faced the door. He tugged his pant-leg out at his inner thigh. “And you gave me a boner, you asshole.”
“I didn’t even touch you.”
“You didn’t have to. Now back away, Elliot’s coming. Jesus!”
Elliot opened the door, looking disheveled in lounge pants and a baggy tee shirt. “Sorry, sorry, guys. I heard the doorbell but I was shutting down the studio. Tyler, didn’t Nolan give you a key?”
“Yes. But I didn’t use it.”
Elliot eyed him sideways. “Okaaay. Come inside, it’s freezing out.” He glanced at Tim, then pointed to Tyler. “He’s a bit weird in case you hadn’t picked up on that yet.”
“Yeah, got that,” Tim said and followed Elliot up the stairs.
Tyler went in after them and closed the door. It was time to focus on work and put other things out of mind, but he was mildly satisfied that he’d fixed things. He had, hadn’t he? Tim didn’t say no to his proposal.
Maybe he couldn’t argue with being called weird. Or emotionless. Or a robot or whatever else people wanted to say about him.
But he was nothing if not results-oriented.
Chapter Six
Brett took a while to get there, arriving while Elliot was pouring coffee at the kitchen island since they were all tired. “Hey, hey, hey!” He bounded into the room, removing a beanie and shaking his dreads out. “Oh, wow. Look at you three handsome guys. I feel like I just died and went to blond-heaven!”
“Flattery isn’t gonna make me not notice you’re late,” Elliot said as he pushed a mug of coffee toward Tim, then Tyler. “About time you got here.”
Brett smiled and pointed at Tyler. “There’s my very favorite blond! Come here, you.”
Tyler was reaching for his coffee when Brett grabbed him and lifted him off the floor. “Stop!” Tyler chu
ckled. “You fucking idiot.”
“Welcome back.” Brett put him down, ruffling his short hair. “I missed you.”
“Missed you too.”
“They surviving without me back at headquarters?”
“It’s like you were never there at all.” Tyler smirked. “You’re pretty forgettable.”
“Cute. How was training the brats?”
“Good until I got pulled to come here.”
“Duty calls, baby. Oh nice, coffee,” Brett said, grabbing Elliot’s mug from his hand and taking a sip.
Sighing, Elliot went and got another mug. “Not sure you need any more caffeine.”
“I’m just excited to see Tyler, it’s been too long.”
Tyler’s entire posture seemed different suddenly, shoulders relaxed as he took a sip from his mug, watching Brett with a contented grin. It made Tim wonder about their relationship.
Brett was likely in his forties and a great-looking guy, but while Tyler eyed him with affection, there didn’t seem to be anything sexual in his gaze. But clearly Brett had a line to Tyler no one else here did. The comment about what Tyler was doing before he got here probably meant they knew each other from that special place behind the curtain, whatever top-secret world Tyler came from. That would explain the smile, the relaxation. For Tyler, Brett was a taste of home.
“I need to run out to Tim’s truck,” Tyler said. “Left my gun. If you guys want to head down to the basement, I’ll be back in a minute to get things set up.”
“Okay, yeah, let’s do this,” Elliot said.
Tyler disappeared from the kitchen.
Brett rounded the island and slapped Tim’s shoulder. “How you holding up, Patterson?”
“I’m fine. Just want to get to the bottom of it.”
At the sound of Tyler going out the front door, Brett glanced toward the hall, then back at Tim. “Tyler bring you everything you need at the station tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s he been?” Brett’s nose wrinkled. “He working with you okay or being a pain in the ass?”
Elliot snorted.
“He’s been fine. Why?”
