“I don’t want to go to your mothers, it smells of old.”
“She’s only fifty, and she has very kindly let us have the use of the spare room for a few weeks while we sort ourselves out with a new place. Now please my little pumpkin pie, please, please get packed so we can go.”
“Don’t call me pumpkin pie, it makes me think that you think of me as orange and crusty.”
“It’s a term of endearment darling. Do you want me to help you or do you want to do it yourself?”
“I’ll do it myself, but you’ll have to take the boxes to the bedroom for me. My nails aren’t dry yet.”
Jeff sighed, giving in to his wife’s pleading.
“Of course I will, but we need it all packed up tonight, my brother’s coming tomorrow at nine am sharp, so we have to be ready.”
“Whatever, I’ll do it in a minute.”
“I know you will. Right, I’ll get sorted with the kitchen stuff, you tackle your mass of products, did you pack your clothes in the suitcases I brought?”
Tobi pulled back her glossed lips to reveal hissing white teeth.
“Err, not quite, it won’t take me long.”
“For Christ sake Tobes! It took you four days to decide what bikinis to take on honeymoon; you’ve got more shoes than Topshop and more handbags than the bargain bin at T K Maxx. Please get it sorted.”
The perpetually huffing Tobi flared her nostrils and jumped up off of the comfort of the sofa, a pillow in her hand and red in her cheeks.
“Fine, but don’t blame me if I ruin my nails and get pink stardust all over my new knickers!”
Tobi slammed the pillow back towards the sofa, missing it by a good few feet, hitting the side table with a muffled clatter instead. She picked up the first two banana boxes and stormed off towards the bedroom.
Jeff smiled at his minor victory, knowing that this battle was merely a nosebleed in comparison to the war that their relationship had become.
His victors’ grin soon melted when he looked down at the luminous splash of Pink Stardust nail polish that had made itself a new home over the thrown cushion and the cream carpet at his feet.
“That’ll be coming out of the bond then.”
He rushed to the kitchen with a sigh, grabbing absorbent towels, fairy liquid and a damp cloth then returned to the living room, where he positioned himself on his hands and knees and began to soak up the excess spillage with the towels.
“I paid the bond, this’ll be coming out of my bond,” he grumbled quietly to himself, “she barely pays the rent as it is.”
After mopping the excess Pink Stardust, he began tracing a green line of Fairy liquid to lift the stain up from the cheap looking, though now expensive carpet.
***
The vague scent of a female being had moved him from his poise, her trail masked by an unnatural, though extraordinarily familiar aroma that reminded him of the primeval forest into which he should be venturing. This exotic perfume tickled his senses, strange, yet a degree of intrigue made him want to investigate this alien land further.
A simmering heat warmed his brief drop of blood.
With a push of his legs, he hatched.
***
Tobi had dumped the boxes next to warming radiator and began slinging her various make-ups and potions onto the cardboard base.
Before Jeff had arrived back home, she’d been soaking herself in the bath, soaping her curves with that tropical fruit bath scrub, knowing he adored the smell, even doing her nails nice and pretty. She hoped that he’d pounce on her as soon as he got through the door; instead he was intent on moving them on. The landlord had only raised the rent by a small amount, something about matching the rate of inflation. Jeff being a stickler for a good deal, immediately handed over their tenancy notice, his reasoning being that the rent was too high for them to afford. Now they had to up sticks and find somewhere new and at about the same price they were paying now, an effort she doubted could never be completed in their price range.
Knickers stuffed with bitterness into the bottom sports bags.
Delicate dresses thrown with rage on top of one another into a battered suitcase. Socks stuffed into trainers to save space.
Tobi continued her maelstrom of packing away her bitter pills and wares.
***
Jeff finished clearing up Tobi’s mess, binning the soiled cloths he used to soak up the spill and placing the half emptied bottle of polish back on the coffee table next to her collection of nail files, scissors and nail varnish remover.
With all of his stuff already packed, he could either help Tobi out with her efforts, or get started on packing the pots, pans, bottles and jars in the kitchen. With a sigh he grabbed the last cold beer from the fridge and started on the utensils.
***
With all his legs free, and the unnatural heat quickly warming his minute bodily fluids, he emerged fully from his speck of an egg. Light burned into his many eyes; this brightness took him a minute to adjust. But he adjusted. A stranger loomed.
***
Tobi’s scream bit and bounced into the walls of their tiny flat, echoing all at once, causing Jeff to swing round too fast, knocking his beer off the worktop with a jutting elbow. He dozily reached out to catch it, but he was out of time. The bottle exploded with foamy pop on the tiled floor, sending wet shards in every direction.
“Shit!” He cursed, then remembered Tobi’s scream, he briefly considered mopping up the second spillage of the night, then Tobi screamed again.
Jeff burst into the bedroom, wild eyed with wonder. Tobi stood barefoot on the centre of the bed, hands clasped to her face, frightened eyes gazed from behind a prison of white fingers, the tips decorated with smeared glittery pink.
“What’s up? You screamed my love.”
Tobi took in a few rapid breaths and removed her hands from her face and pointed at the half filled banana boxes upon the floor.
“A spider, or something, it moved, it came from behind the boxes.”
“You sure? A spider?” Jeff felt his face crumple under concern. “You screamed because of a spider?”
“You know I don’t like spiders Jeff! This one was different. It wasn’t one of ours.”
“We don’t have any spiders. Because you don’t like them…”
“I don’t mean like that dumbass! I mean it’s not from this country, it looked tropical, different colours, not just black.”
Jeff narrowed his eyes at her, then at the stack of banana boxes, pondering. A stowaway from the banana plantation, he once read somewhere that farmers in the tropics encourage spiders on their crops as they keep down the number of fruit flies that attack crops. He turned back to his wife, holding out a supporting hand to help her off the bed.
“I’m not coming down until you kill it!”
“Can’t I just catch it, maybe a specialist would like to identify it?”
“Jeff, the only thing I’d like that spider to identify with is the bottom of your shoes as you squash it into the carpet.”
“I don’t want to kill it, I want to have a look at it first.”
He bent down, onto to his hands and knees, and edged his way over to the boxes.
“Where did it go?”
“Don’t mess with me Jeff, I’m not kidding, I will divorce you if you mess with me.”
“Where did you see it?”
“It was on the side of the box, then it ran on top and into the clothes.”
Jeff reached in and delicately picked up the first item of clothing, a bright yellow top that he had only seen Tobi wear once. She looked on with a wide glare, her alert pupils taking in his every movement.
Deliberately, and with a degree of caution, he raised the garment up to his face, slowly twirling it to get full 360, he couldn’t see any sign of any spiders, time to have some fun…
Before he had time to think he had thrown the yellow top at Tobi, just to scare her, teach her a lesson for her laziness. As soon as it left his fingers, a pang of
regret burst inside of him. He knew that she’d scream, that she’d probably punch him in the arm. Although it happened fast, he still saw it in slow motion. A flashing object broke away from the garment, tiny and colourful. At first his brain assumed it was a button that had come loose and was now spinning away, chopping through the light, causing reflected twinkles
But buttons don’t have legs.
Or change colour.
His eyes caught Tobi’s, she had seen it too. Her mouth gaped into a scream as the spider and the yellow top harmlessly slammed into her at the same time. With hardly any acceleration she bounced from the bed and disappeared through the door. The devilish smile had melted from Jeff’s face. He’d pay for this one.
***
The brief loss of gravity had alarmed him, causing his defence mechanism to instigate, vessels on his back rapidly expanded and contracted, causing a flashing effect, in place to dazzle and confuse predator and prey alike. He dug in, finding solace in a patch of darkness beneath the yellow. Tensing his eight limbs, he knew that he was being hunted. Oxygen flowed into his extremities, inflating every pore, gaining in size. Within a half a human minute, he had doubled his presence.
***
“I’m sorry darling, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know.” Jeff rattled the bathroom door, yet it remained locked.
“I don’t care! You still chucked a spider at me. And that mister, is unforgivable. What if it’s poisonous? Then what?”
“I’m sorry, pumpkin, I mean, do you want me to kill it?”
A metallic click and Tobi pulled the door back, she’d laid a rolled up towel along the bottom of the door, obviously to prevent the imminent spider invasion that she was expecting. Tears hid behind her shimmering eyes, her soft pink lips parted, and she spoke softly, a whisper so her nemesis wouldn’t hear her plan.
“Kill it, dump it in the outside bin. I don’t even want to see it. Just get rid of it before I divorce you. And I’m not joking. I will.”
Jeff leaned in for a kiss, but by then the door had shut in his face and the lock re-engaged. Disheartened, he headed for the kitchen, stepping over his smashed beer bottle, he picked up one of Tobi’s celebrity gossip magazines from the accumulated pile on the worktop and a pint glass that he had packed earlier. He didn’t plan on squashing Mr. Spider, as he got sentimental and squeamish over killing God’s creatures outright. He’d catch it and drop it out the front door. The bitter cold outside would take care of it. He just didn’t want to see it die in front of him. He thought back to the hypnotising flashes that the spider had displayed. Clearly it wasn’t evolved for this country, this was an alien species, stowed away in the folds of a banana box. But hell, it had lived this long.
Jeff entered the bedroom armed with the magazine under his arm and the pint glass in hand. He eyed the bed with caution. The yellow top remained discarded on the bed, half covering the imprints of Tobi’s footfall, and most probably the infamous Mr. Spider.
He crept forward, reaching out he whipped the top up and into the air, jumping back, poised ready with the glass. Nothing moved but the crumpled bedclothes settling back down.
His spidey sense tingled, if you could call it that. Jeff ducked low and peered into the shaded expanse beneath the bed. A tiny object waited. Even from here he could make out a brief twinkle of light. Was that the same spider as before? It seemed bigger, wider, longer.
It advanced.
The illuminations he had seen before glowed brighter with the shade of darkness instead of the glary dilution of bulb above.
Red.
Green.
Blue.
So rapid were the undulations that they seemed to pool into an entirely new colour. He broke free from being transfixed and raised the glass ready, judging in his mind the arachnids approach. This was strange, usually spiders would cower from humans, seeking solace along skirting boards and beneath sofas and cupboards. Not this one.
Mr. Spider emerged from the shade of the bed and into the light, immediately the flashes dulled yet remained visible.
Jeff slammed the pint glass down in a confident, fluid motion, smiling as his trap seemed to work, then giving a childish little squeak he’d never heard come from him before as Mr. Spider jumped back then up and over the upturned base of the awaiting glass and scurried onto the fleshly white expanse of his hand.
Jeff shrieked again.
Then came the nip.
***
Tobi heard Jeff’s yelp. He sounded like a girl. He acted like an old woman and he sounded like a little girl. What a man she had picked. Her mother had told her that she found Jeff too weak and wet. No backbone. Not exactly a go-getter, happy in his shitty little job, shitty little flat and shitty little meagre income. As a couple they were going nowhere slow. Nevertheless she persevered with her love for him and pressed her ear to the bathroom door.
“You okay Jeff?” She called through what now felt like a flimsy wooden door.
He didn’t answer.
Tobi shivered.
“Jeff, don’t piss about, what happened?”
Again, nobody answered.
Then a light moan, a hiss or a gasp of pain perhaps.
Tobi kicked out the wedged in towel, unlocked and yanked the door open, bolting for the bedroom.
Jeff sat slumped against the wall, his right wrist in clasped in his left hand. His face looked sticky white, droplets of sweat beaded out from his alabaster skin, he turned to her as she crouched beside him and said coolly, but with a hint of a tremor.
“He bit me, he actually bit me.”
“Where did he go?”
“I… I… I don’t know, he jumped over me, I think he headed out of the door. He bit me. He’s something new…”
Tobi looked down at his cradled hand, on the fat of skin between his thumb and index finger a penny sized welt had appeared with two tiny red dots in the centre.
“It bit you?”
“Yeah, my bones hurt, I guess it went deep.”
“We need a doctor. My phones in the kitchen, I’ll phone for an ambulance.”
Tobi got up and stepped back into the hallway, she flexed her toes and suddenly felt very naked in bare feet. Having pretty toes was useless when a deadly spider was gallivanting around your home. She spied Jeff’s smelly running trainers dumped in the hallway and moved towards them, if she was gonna do some spider stamping, she’d need armour for her delicate soles. With toes an inch from the tongue of the old trainer she stopped. A premonition, a shiver from the future, call it what you will, but something danced up and down her spine. The dark crevice of the awaiting trainer had turned into a mouth full of hidden teeth, eager to snap her foot clean off to a neat, bleeding stump. With ease of caution, Tobi pulled her foot back. If she was a spider, that’s where she would hide, in the dark, dry sweat safety of a trainer. She continued her mission to the kitchen, gaining speed, fearful that the spider had pounced out from his trap and was now pursuing her.
Tobi reached the kitchen with speed, spying her phone straight away she went to grab it, but friction gave way as her feet slid effortlessly over the patch of spilt beer and broken glass that her darling husband had carelessly left on the cold tiled floor. This became warm as an eruption of blood, fresh from the new slices on her feet mingled with the spillage of beer. She struggled for purchase as her toned and sculptured legs went akimbo over the shallow lake of beer, she reached out and grabbed the worktop to steady her descent, her grip fixed hard.
Tobi hissed, cursed and forgot about the phone, dropping to the floor she tended to her cut feet by grabbing a kitchen towel from the hanger to staunch the flow of blood.
***
Mr. Spider, using his needle like fangs, had delivered a defensive blow to his adversary. Crippling paralysis would soon follow, then terrifying hallucinations, eventually followed by a more than welcome death. Having delivered the tiny bite and injecting a quantum particle of venom, he jump over his wincing enemy, and landed in the mess of his hair, so far his prese
nce hadn’t been detected. He waited. Poised and prone.
***
He felt like his stomach had shrunk, twisted and knotted itself around inside him like he had swallowed a bag of shrinking snakes. A sickly cold sweat perspired out from his skin; he shivered within his own slickness. His hand hurt the most; even the bones beneath seemed to flame up with a relentless pressure. The tiny fang marks on his hand pulsed, making him want to suck and bite at the miniscule wound.
I want rid of the poison, please dear God, don’t let me die. Not yet, not here, not like this. I wanted kids ...
Jeff tried to move his legs, they were frozen solid like timber. He tried to lift his hand to shift his legs along, they wouldn’t move. He tried to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come no matter how hard he pushed. A mumbled scream tried to free itself from his lips, amassing to nothing more than a garbling of foamy spit. A portion of his spine still responded to the message of movement he sent. It twitched, he slumped and fell over to the carpet.
***
Sat wincing on the kitchen floor, Tobi mopped up the blood the best she could. Through the influx of her pain, she had forgot all about Jeff. Hearing his whimper from the bedroom created a sense of urgency within. She grabbed her phone and hobbled back to the bedroom, dialing through for the emergency services. Behind her she left a sticky trail of crimson prints.
Jeff was on his side, red spit flowing freely from his mouth, he’d bit into his own tongue in frustration. Tobi, dropped to her knees and cradled his drooped head in her hands.
“Oh, Christ! Oh Darling! I’ll get you an ambulance, don’t you worry.”
“Emergency. What service?” The new male voice in her ear made her jump, taking her a second to get the words out.
“My husband, he’s been bitten.”
The Spinetinglers Anthology 2011 Page 12
