by Mia Ford
“It’s a bad idea,” he said, dropping my face and walking back over to the stove.
“What about the school?” I asked. “It’s important to you. It’s important to other people. There are plenty of people who need your instruction to learn how to surf. They are looking for a way to be safe, and if you don’t teach them, they’ll just try it out on their own. I don’t even surf, and I know trying to teach yourself can get you hurt. Those people could be safe if you teach them how to do it, and you would have your business back.”
“Those people,” he said, slamming his plate on the table. “Those people should know better, and if they go out there like idiots and they get themselves hurt or killed, it is not on me.”
“That’s a ridiculous and screwed up way to think about it,” I said with irritation.
“No, Lacey, you’re the one being ridiculous,” he said, turning off the stove. “You just can’t get it through your head. I’m not going to surf. I told you about my life because you wanted to know, but I didn’t invite you, or my mother for that matter, in to become my damn therapists. You want to learn how to surf? Go to the pier and ask one of the surfers. I’m sure they will be more than happy to teach you.”
I sat there looking at him for several moments, no longer worried about what he would say. I was pissed that he was being that way, that he had the audacity to talk to me that way. I wasn’t trying to be his therapist or his friend for that matter. I was trying to get him to do what he should be forcing himself to do. I pushed back from the counter and walked into the bedroom, collecting my things. When I came out, he was standing in the same place as when I had walked away. I stood there for a second wanting to say something back, to fight him on what he had said, but nothing came to me.
“Bella only has three days left before she goes to school,” I said quietly. “I’ll be back on Monday to tutor her.”
He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again and looked back down at the floor. Not only was he ridiculous, but he was being a coward as well. I shook my head and walked out the front door, slamming it behind me. So much for the best date of my life. It had ended in complete disaster. I might be hurt over it, but at that moment, I was just completely pissed. If he wanted to be stubborn, then I would let him do so. I couldn’t stop him, and it was obvious he didn’t want me to be there for him, helping him through this transition.
I started my car and left, driving toward my house. When I got there, though, I kept going, needing to clear my head and think about everything. I drove all the way to the last lookout point before the road turned away from the ocean. I parked the car and got out, walking out onto the pier and leaning over the railing. The water was calm, and the sun was shining brightly that day, and the air was so clear that you could see the ships way out away from the harbor. I replayed our conversation over in my head on repeat. Finally, when I had enough, I slammed my fists on the railing of the pier, feeling my eyes burning with tears. I threw my head back and took a deep breath, refusing to let the emotion get the best of me.
I had thought everything was going so perfectly, and now, this had happened. God, why did everything have to be so damn difficult all the time? I understood why he was acting the way he was, but that didn’t mean it was okay. At some point, he was going to have to move forward, and I wanted it to be when he was with me, not once I had walked away or he had pushed me out of his life completely. Bella needed him to get better, too. She needed his strength as she grew older.
After about an hour, I went back to the car and drove to my house, throwing my stuff down and jumping in the shower. When I got done, I curled up on the couch with a blanket and listened to the waves on the shore. I felt alone, and I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I knew that Jessa would be out. I picked up the phone and dialed my mom.
“Hey, honey,” she said, answering the phone.
“Hi, mom,” I replied.
“How is Maine?”
“Beautiful as always,” I said. “What are you doing?”
“I’m at a dinner party, but I stepped outside,” she said. “You okay?”
“No,” I said. “I was hoping you would be able to—”
“Honey, honey, I can’t really hear you,” she said, masking the fact that she was also talking to someone else. “I’m glad you are doing so good. Thanks for calling. I’ll give you a call later.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Okay, right.”
With that, she hung up the phone. I pulled the phone from my ear and stared down at it, rolling my eyes. Why did I think this time, one of the million I’ve tried to call my mother, would be any different than the others? I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just come to terms with the fact that I was alone to deal with these things on my own.
I tossed my phone on the table and flipped on the television, wanting something to just numb my mind. I flipped through the channels until I reached an old black and white movie. Things always seemed so simple in these movies. They loved each other, the man was scared, and the woman was strong but feminine. It always ended in some amazing kiss, one that just blew people’s minds. The kind of kiss that just never happened anymore. I laid there staring at the television, wondering if I would ever find that with Caspian, a place where he was free, and I was free, and we could just kiss. I just wanted simple. It wasn’t that difficult.
As the movie played on, I could feel myself starting to fall asleep, and I just let it come, hoping maybe I would have another one of those dreams. But there was nothing but sleep, no dreams, no release, and no relief. Maybe that was what I needed, just a quiet night’s sleep to think everything over and start fresh when the weekend was over. The only thing I really knew was that I wasn’t done with Caspian, and I wanted to find a way to get through to him.
22
Caspian
I propped my feet up on the ottoman and leaned back in my chair, staring down the hall at the light coming from the office. It was Monday, and Lacey was back there teaching and playing with Bella. She had barely said two words to me since everything happened on Saturday morning, not that I blamed her. If I were her, I wouldn’t be the least bit interested in having a conversation with me, either. When she got there, she said hello and went straight back to the office, without any further words. She didn’t look mad, but I knew she definitely was feeling something.
Yet again, I felt like a complete and total asshole. I felt that way right after she had left, realizing that I sounded completely asinine. Of course, I cared whether people got hurt surfing or not. I would be a horrible man if I didn’t. That was part of the reason we started the surf instruction part of the business to begin with, to lessen the number of tourists that got injured, or worse, every year by going out and trying to surf on their own. Isabella had saved a young boy just a year before who decided to rent a surfboard and take it out on one of the windiest days that summer. He had instantly fallen off his board and hit his head. Isabella ran out and got him to shore, performing CPR, and ultimately saving his life. When the boy came back the next summer, he took lessons from us, thanking us so much for starting the business. If she hadn’t been out there cleaning up for the day, she would have never seen him go down. The boy would have died, and no one would have known why.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I couldn’t seem to get my shit together, much less think before I opened my mouth. I knew that I was falling in love with Lacey. I knew it even before the date we had. When she walked out of the house Saturday morning, I felt heartbroken, and I wanted to kick myself for being such an idiot. I knew that I was pushing her away, and I knew it was because I was scared. I didn’t like to admit that to myself, but as soon as I started falling for Lacey, I could feel the fear trying to creep over me, looking for a place to nest in my chest. When I got put in the situation where she was pushing me to move forward, that fear took over, and I used it as an excuse to build up a wall and try to knock her right out of my life. I didn’t know if it actually made me a bad
person, but I sure as hell felt like one.
Every time that butterfly feeling hit my chest, every time I looked at Lacey and thought about how I wanted to keep her in my life, Isabella would pop into my mind. It wasn’t because I felt bad for moving on or because I was letting her come between us. It was because of what happened. I was afraid if I let myself love Lacey even a smidgen of how much I loved Isabella, I would end up losing her too. I didn’t think I could take losing Lacey like I lost Isabella. My wife’s death almost killed me, and it definitely changed the man that I was. If I lost her, that meant Bella lost her, too, and although she didn’t remember when her mother died, she would definitely notice if she lost Lacey. She had already given me a sad and depressing face every time I brought up her tutoring ending because her school was starting their before care program. She was very much attached to Lacey, just like I was.
I looked up as Lacey rounded the corner of the office carrying some more of her things. She set them down on the counter and walked back to the office, not even looking at me for a second. She was getting ready to leave for the day, and I didn’t want her to go, but I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could say. I got up groaning as a knock came at the front door. I opened it to see my mother’s shining face. She leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and handed me a bottle of wine for dinner.
“Lacey has gotten me on this wine kick,” she said, smiling. “I think I like it.”
“I think I like it too,” I said, laughing. “It makes you much nicer.”
“Hey, I’m a ray of sunshine all the time,” she said, punching me in the shoulder. “You just don’t like sunshine, so you complain.”
“Are you staying for dinner,” I heard Bella ask as she followed Lacey to the front.
“Not tonight sweetie,” she said, bending down to her. “But your Grandma Betty is here, so I am sure you will have so much fun. Besides, I have to get our special lessons ready for your last couple of days of tutoring.”
“This stinks,” she said with a pouty lip.
I thought about stepping in, but I could see that Lacey and Bella had made their own way of talking to each other. Bella really listened to what Lacey had to say, and most of the time did exactly as she said. She trusted Lacey, and that was a really big deal. I had hoped that whatever woman I brought into Bella’s life would get along with her like Lacey did with Bella, which was all the more reason for me to feel terrible about what happened between the two of us.
“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Lacey told Bella. “And you have that book to practice.”
“But dinner isn’t the same when you aren’t here,” she said.
“Aww sweetie,” Lacey said, glancing nervously up at my mother who looked confused. “I miss you when I’m not here, too. I promise tomorrow we will spend the whole time doing fun things together. You don’t have that long left in your day, and before you know it, you’ll be waking up and getting ready for me to come. I think your daddy made special arrangements tonight and made tacos, one of your favorites.”
“I sure did,” I chimed in, hoping Lacey would look at me.
When she didn’t turn, I sighed, putting the tortillas on the counter and glancing over at my mother’s gaze. I felt like she was trying to read my mind, but it didn’t take that to figure out there was something going on between Lacey and me. You could feel the cold coming off Lacey from where she was sitting on the floor.
“You start your before care program for Kindergarten in just two days,” Lacey said excitedly.
“I’m really excited to show all the teachers what you taught me,” she said, smiling. “But I’m nervous, too. I hope that the other kids like me, even if I am smarter than them.”
“I know that they will love you,” Lacey said, holding back a laugh. “You are the most likable little girl I have ever met. Watch, you are going to go in there and make all kinds of friends. You will forget all about summer tutoring when you see how much there is to learn at school.”
“But you won’t be there,” she said.
“No,” Lacey replied. “You are right. I won’t be there, but you will have other teachers who I promise you are really going to like. I don’t want you to worry about those kinds of things. You will do great. I just know you will.”
“I know,” she said. “I just want the frogs in my belly to go away.”
“Frogs?”
“Yeah when you get nervous, and there are frogs jumping around,” Bella explained. “Like butterflies in your tummy but way worse.”
“When you get there, those frogs will settle right down,” Lacey said, giggling. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” Bella said, giving her a hug and running off to her play room.
“Hi, Betty,” Lacey said, smiling.
“My sweet girl,” my mother replied, kissing her on the cheek. “You are always so good with Bella.”
“She is an amazing little girl,” Lacey said, turning to her things.
“Are you staying for dinner?”
“No,” Lacey replied quickly and then paused. “I, uh, I made plans with an old friend I used to play with when I was growing up. We are going to get dinner and drinks later.”
“That sounds like fun,” my mother said, glancing over at me. “We will miss you at dinner.”
“I’ll miss you, too,” Lacey said, hugging Betty. “I’m sure we will have dinner together again soon. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, sweetie,” my mother said, watching her leave.
Lacey didn’t even tell me goodbye, and I could see by the look on my mother’s face that she noticed. She stood there staring at me with a knowing face for several moments. I knew she was waiting for me to say the first thing, but I really didn’t want to talk about it. I knew that I had screwed up, and I knew that I was running out of time to fix it. I didn’t need to get a full-on lecture from my mother, but I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to get out of this kitchen without one. That was one thing I always hated growing up, my mother’s lectures. I always begged to be grounded but instead she would sit there and talk to me for two hours, which was the worst torture ever. In this circumstance, though, I probably deserved it, so I took a deep breath and braced myself for the conversation.
“What is going on between the two of you?”
“Seriously, Mom, don’t worry about it,” I said, knowing it was not going to be enough.
“Don’t worry about it?” she asked, filling her wine glass. “What, are you sixteen again? I am your mother, I worry about everything. I thought that the two of you just had a good conversation about your past, went on a date, and had a good time together? I feel like I need to start supervising you so you don’t continue to sabotage yourself.”
“I think I can handle that,” I said, even though I knew she was right.
“Obviously, you can’t handle it,” she gruffed. “That silent treatment was pretty harsh, and from the look on your face, I can tell that you did something to deserve it.”
“Why? Because I didn’t fight with her in front of you guys?”
“No, because it’s the same silent treatment I would give your father when he did something stupid.” She chuckled. “Seriously, though, you seriously are going to regret everything you are doing. I know you are pushing her away because you are scared, but that is still not a reason to treat her badly. Lacey is a beautiful girl, inside and out, and I haven’t seen her that upset before.”
“I know,” I said gruffly.
“You need to wake up, son,” my mother said, putting a grape in her mouth. “You are going to lose her, and by the time you realize it, it will be too late, if it isn’t already.”
I stopped and looked up at my mother, who raised her eyebrows and walked away. I hadn’t even thought of that. What if I was too late to fix what I had screwed up? Come to think of it, I hadn’t seen Lacey that upset before either. Usually, she would try to talk to me about what happened, but instead, she gave me the silent treatment. Maybe it was all for
the better anyway. I was completely screwed up, and Lacey deserved so much better than that.
23
Lacey
Sitting in my kitchen, sipping coffee, and staring out the window seemed to have become a normal morning routine for me. Feeling lost and heartbroken had also started to feel like a normal thing. I looked down at my phone as it buzzed on the table, relieved to finally see Jessa’s face on the screen. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, letting out a long, exaggerated sigh.
“What’s wrong now?” she asked.
“I’m at my wit’s end,” I said. “I don’t even know what to do about Caspian any more. We had a date, then I stayed over at his place, and when we got up the next day, it was like war. I tried to push him to open back up about surfing, and he was a complete and total asshole.”
“You do remember that his wife died during a surfing accident, right?” Jessa asked.
“Yes, of course, I remember,” I scoffed. “But I know how much it means to him and how alive he feels when he is doing something he loves. I was just trying to get him to start letting go of that guilt that he holds so tightly to.”
“Maybe he isn’t ready,” she said.
“Maybe not, and I only have today and tomorrow to be around both him and Bella,” I said with hopelessness in my voice. “Things are looking really, really bleak for me. I’m not going to lie.”
“You’re being so dramatic.” Jessa giggled. “Have you been watching those old black and white movies again?”
“No,” I lied.
“I told you, they are almost more unrealistic than chick flicks,” Jessa replied.
“They could be real,” I argued back.
“No, they couldn’t,” Jessa said. “And you are basing your life around an impossible relationship. Being a couple is messy, tough, and takes some serious commitment. Those movies make everything seem so damn simple.”
