by J. Saman
“I want to know about your work, but if you still don’t want to tell me, that’s cool too.”
Shit. Why does it always come back to that? “What specifically do you want to know?” I’m trying not to get annoyed, and I get her wanting to know since I’ve been way too cagey about it, but still.
“I know you do cybersecurity. That you own your own business. That you do favors for your friends. But I also know there’s more you’re not telling me.”
“Look, Katie, I’ve had trouble in the past with people I thought I could trust. I’m sorry for being so secretive about it, I’m just…cautious.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I get that you don’t know me all that well, so I can understand you not trusting me with something like that.”
She’s not saying this in a harsh or mean way. Or even a scheming, fake-hurt way. She’s being totally genuine, which makes me feel awful.
Do I trust Katie? Yes. I do.
But I also trusted Tristan, and look where that got me. Fuck it. Katie is not Tristan. Katie may in fact be the purest, most honest person I’ve ever met.
“I started out as a computer programmer in college. I’m very good at writing code and creating software and…that led to hacking into things.” She’s silent, just letting me speak with her head still pressed against my chest. “You know I created some apps in college, and that’s true. I also did other things that weren’t so…legal. That all stopped when a fellow competitor got busted by the Feds and I didn’t.”
She pulls in a rush of air, but doesn’t comment or react beyond that.
“After that, I used my skills to help prevent cybercrime,” I emphasize. “And yes, friends ask me to check out their stuff to make sure it’s good, and as it should be,” I sigh because here comes the rough part. “I’ve created a piece of software that is going to change cybersecurity. It’s—thus far—an impenetrable system that will protect servers and systems from cyberattacks and malware. It’s going live in the next few weeks, and that’s going to give me and my company a lot of press.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” She can tell by my voice that it is. At least, it feels like it could be. I squeeze her tightly against me, needing her warmth and comfort, her smell and essence.
Just fucking needing Katie.
“Shortly after college, I told my cousin Tristan about some of my misadventures in school, and how I got some of my money,” I breathe out hard, the air fogging in front of me. Damn, it’s cold. “Katie, you need to know, I never stole from anyone. I wasn’t going around taking what didn’t belong to me. But I did some things I’m not entirely proud of and…I profited from them.” I rush through the last part, feeling as ashamed as always when I think about it. “I’m a different man now. You understand that, right?”
She nods her head against my chest. “Yes. I believe you.”
The sincerity in her voice causes my eyes to slam shut, before opening them just as quickly. I’m so crazy for this woman.
“My cousin tried to blackmail me. Said he’d go to the Feds and turn me in if I didn’t pay him several millions of dollars.”
Her head snaps up to look at me, eyes full of pain and sympathy and maybe a little overprotective indignation for me. Jesus, that feels so good to see.
“He was in with the wrong people, which I didn’t know about at the time. Needed the money to pay them off. Anyway, he ended up getting arrested before any of this could happen, and then he tried to tell the Feds about me, though they didn’t seem to care much. There was no proof of anything against me, and all my money appeared to be explained by the software and apps I had created.” I stroke her cold moist cheek, her chin resting against my chest. “That’s why I don’t like press or attention. That’s why I don’t like notoriety or to talk about what I do. I’m trusting you with this because I don’t think you’ll go behind my back, and I doubt you’re after my money.” I try for a smile, but I’m sure she can see how bitter it is.
She snorts. “I could care less about your money, Ryan. Believe it or not, I have plenty of my own. Some of it I have no intention of spending. Ever,” she punctuates with widened eyes. “As for going behind your back, I could never ever do that. You’re a good man,” her fingers glide across my bristly cheek as her eyes sear into mine, “and I understand that you may have done some things that were not on the level, but we’ve all done things that we regret. I’m not judging you, and I’m certainly not going to betray the trust you’ve just imparted in me.”
I love you.
I want to say those words to her so badly my chest and throat are burning with the restraint to hold them in.
So I do the only thing I can do.
I kiss her and let it tell her for me. Her words mean everything to me. I’ve never met anyone quite like Katie, and I’m going to have to fight like hell to keep her.
“What do you mean you never intend to spend some of your money?” I ask when I’m done kissing her.
She shrugs a shoulder against my chest. The rain is still pounding all around us, but the large tree trunk is keeping us reasonably dry. Definitely not warm, but we’ll take what we can get right now.
“My dad left me money when he died. My mother already had more than enough for herself, and he left me a large chunk. I’ve spent that on occasion throughout the years, but I’ve saved most of it. I also have money from the sale of my house, which I’ve also used as needed, which again, isn’t often.”
She sighs heavily, puffing the plume of white exhaust at me.
“Eric had a trust fund that he had set aside and was going to leave to our children. When he and Maggie died, it was passed onto me. I will never spend that money.” Her tone is so unyielding that there is no room for argument. “I’ve offered it to his parents, but they declined. They’ve got more than they’ll ever be able to spend, and Eric’s older sister has a trust of her own and didn’t want it either. So I’m stuck with it,” she sighs out. I can tell she despises that money. Loathes everything it represents. “I could donate it, and eventually I probably will, but I can’t decide where, so it just sits accruing interest.”
“Why don’t you want to keep it? Use it?”
She turns her head, looking out into the rain, staring out into the thick forest without really seeing it. “Because I hate the idea of profiting from his death. That money makes me sick.”
“I can understand that.”
“Do you need to find a place to live in Seattle?” she asks, changing the subject after a quiet moment.
“No. My assistant, Claire, found me a furnished house to rent in the city.”
“That’s cool. Do you know what it looks like?”
I shrug. “It’s a house. Bungalow-style or something. Updated, but not overly modern. I like more comfortably nice than modern or stuffy nice, if that makes sense?”
“It does. What made you go for a house instead of an apartment or condo?”
“I didn’t want to buy yet. That would definitely require me being there to see the places, and I like houses. I’m not big into strangers living above or below me.”
She laughs. “No, I imagine you wouldn’t be. And yet, you’ve managed well with me for the last however many days, haven’t you?”
She’s teasing me now, but that doesn’t make her wrong.
I’ve never been one to live with other people. Even in college, I always had my own space. But living with Katie is easy. She’s not demanding or needy, and I like spending all my time with her.
“It will certainly be an adjustment if you make me give that up.” I’m trying for light and failing miserably.
“If?” she asks, looking up at me again. “You don’t want me to live with you? Right?”
How the fuck do I answer that loaded question when she asks it like that? “What if I said I did?”
She blinks up at me before breaking eye contact. “I don’t think I can do that, Ryan.”
“I know, Katie. I’m not really asking anyway.”
/> “So you have a house.” She keeps going like that small living together moment didn’t happen. “What about a car?”
“It’s being shipped along with the rest of my stuff.”
“Ah,” she says like it all makes sense. “I was wondering why you only had one suitcase with you.”
“I have more stuff than what I brought with me. My car, boxes of crap, more clothes, that sort of thing.”
“Why didn’t you drive your car out yourself?”
I’m shocked it’s taken her this long to ask. “For one, my car is a bit on the older side and I was worried it wouldn’t love the trip. Two, you offered to drive me, and there was no way I was going to pass that up.” I pinch her side through her puffy jacke,t making her giggle and squirm. “The rain looks like it’s letting up. Do you want to risk it?”
“If you can deliver me to a place that is warm, dry and possibly offers access to a large bathtub, you’ll be my personal hero.”
“Who the hell can turn down that challenge? We might have to run a bit, though.”
“Then it’s a good thing my ass is in excellent shape.”
“Yes, it is, so move that hot ass before I decide to spank it again.”
Katie throws me a wicked grin. “We can play that game later.”
She winks and then starts to run. We were further in than I thought, and it takes us close to a half an hour of running in the wet, freezing cold to get back to the car. By the time we do, we’re both exhausted and drenched.
“Whose brilliant idea was it to go to the freaking forest?”
“Yours.”
“Oh, right.” We turn on the car, blasting the heat and head back toward the highway and the coast. “Do you know where we’re going?”
“No,” I laugh out. I pick up my phone, unlock it, and call Claire, who picks up on the second ring. Bless her. “Claire, we’re outside the fucking redwood forest, and I need a hotel that is warm, dry and has a large bathtub.” I throw Katie a wink, and she laughs under her breath.
“On it like a bonnet,” Claire says. “But you do realize you’re in the middle of fucking nowhere, and it may be difficult for me to find the type of accommodations you’re used to, right?”
“Whatever you can find for us would be great. We’re stuck in the car and internet access sucks around here.”
“You got it, boss.”
“I hate it when you call me that.”
She laughs in that raspy tone of hers. “I know. That’s why I do it. I’ll shoot you a text in a moment. Later, skater.”
She hangs up on me, and I can’t help but smile.
Claire was born decades too late, but she’s adorable in a twenty-two-year-old little sister sort of way. Two minutes later she texts me an address, which I punch into the car’s GPS and we head off. We arrive at a bed and breakfast that is situated on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It’s really just a small house, but I don’t care and neither does Katie.
The innkeeper—I guess is what they are called—seems like a friendly enough guy, and leads us up to a large room with a king-size bed, a fireplace that is already lit with a roaring fire, a terrace overlooking the ocean, and a large en suite bathroom. He tells us breakfast is at eight, and then he leaves us alone.
Katie stands in front of the fire, enjoying the heat. “I’m going to take a bath,” Katie wags her eyebrows suggestively. “Wanna come join me for a swim?”
I laugh, but it quickly gets stuck in my throat when she starts to shimmy out of her wet jeans. I swear, watching Katie strip naked will never get old.
“Lead the way, doll.”
She starts the bath, making sure it is up to temperature and dumping some smelly, flowery shit into the water to make bubbles. I light the candles that are strategically placed throughout the space.
She smiles up at me softly and then slips into the water, closing her eyes briefly as her cold skin makes contact with the warm water. It’s a claw-foot tub, and not a large one at that, so even as I climb in behind her, it’s awkward and uncomfortable.
“You don’t have to stay,” she laughs out as I try again to change my position, sloshing sudsy water everywhere. “But if we ever do this again, I’m demanding a gigantic tub.”
“Noted,” I laugh, getting out and wrapping a white fluffy towel around my waist, but I don’t want to leave her, so I pull the small stool that was sitting in the corner over, and perch myself on it next to the tub. “Can I wash your hair?”
She shakes her head.
“It will be a pain in the ass in this little tub,” she gestures to the limited space around her small wet body. Fuck. “We’ll shower together after?”
“I’m good with that,” I say, leaning in to kiss her soft, full lips. “What’s our plan for tomorrow?” Resting on the edge of the tub against the cool cast iron, I continue. “Portland is like a seven-hour drive. I’m not against it, just curious what you want to do.”
She leans back, her wet hair resting on the tub as she cups handfuls of bubbles, placing them over her exposed skin. I’m completely mesmerized by the motion.
“I’m liking the idea of a day in Seattle.” It’s something I did not expect her to say, but can’t help feeling good about.
“Then Portland tomorrow it is. We’ll have to wake up, eat breakfast, and go.”
She frowns. “It’s the last of our long trips.” I nod but don’t say anything else. She knows where my mind is. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, looking down at the disintegrating bubbles. “I shouldn’t have let this happen.”
“What?” I’m both alarmed and pissed, because just what the fuck?
Her blue eyes are watery when they find mine.
“I’ve got a shit ton of baggage. We’ve been talking around and over this again and again. I feel like I’m playing with you, and I hate that. Fucking hate it, Ryan.” Her glistening eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “I’m still a mess, and I knew that going in, and yet…I couldn’t resist you. I’ve never felt like this before,” she continues. “So conflicted. So unsure of what to do.” A tear spills out over her eyes and down her cheek, but neither of us moves to wipe it away. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she says on a sob.
“I know, Katie. I know. I got into this with my eyes wide open. You’ve hardly made your feelings for me, or about us, a secret. If I get hurt, it’s on me.”
She shakes her head, her expression pained. “That doesn’t make me feel better.”
“What would?”
She bites her lip, sinking lower into the tub. “That’s just it. I don’t know. It’s like I can’t stay away from you, though I know I should because I’m no good for you.”
“Don’t I get to decide who’s good for me?”
I’m starting to get exasperated again. It’s not like she lied to me. Not even once. She’s been crystal clear on everything. And sure, maybe I should have heeded her warnings before this became all that it is, but too fucking late.
“Any time with you is better than no time at all.” I mean that.
“That’s how I feel too.” She bites into her full soft lip.
“So, no plans then. We’ll see where we go and how we end up.”
“I’d like to go to Seattle and look around. See if it fits.”
Fuck, I can’t stop the smile. “I’d like that too.”
“Okay then,” she offers up a weak smile. “It’s settled, but I have an idea for tomorrow that you may or may not like. We’ll see, but I’d like you to promise me that you’ll keep an open mind about it.”
I narrow my eyes at her, and she just blinks up at me innocently through her ridiculously long lashes. She’s fooling no one, and she knows it. “I’ll do my best to keep an open mind.”
Katie smiles triumphantly. “That’s all I can ask for. Now, help me out of this tub so we can shower together and go have sex in front of the fire.”
“Such a demanding little sprite, aren’t you?”
“And you wouldn’t have me any other way,” she
winks as I pull her up from the tub. Water splashes all around, dripping down her body. Damn, that’s one hell of a sight.
“No. No, I wouldn’t.” I’d keep you as you are forever if you’d let me. Now to get her to agree to it.
24
Kate
* * *
“What the fuck?” Ryan practically yells as we step out of the car early the next morning. We’re on the long strip of land they call a private airport around here.
I know I’m really pushing my luck here, but I don’t want him to be controlled by his fear. Ryan means the world to me, and I need to do this for him before I leave. If I leave.
“What the fuck, Katie?” he asks again, and I step in front of him, which does not block his view of the private jet since I’m so short and he’s so tall. But I need his attention for a moment all the same.
“Ryan. Look at me.” He does, but it takes a moment for him to pull his eyes away from the small plane. “I’d like us to fly up to Seattle today. It’s a short flight. A little more than an hour, but I think you need to conquer this.”
I can see the dread radiating off of him. He’s terrified, and though I feel bad about that, I think it’s something he can do. He’s so strong.
“I can’t, Katie.” It’s a whisper. “Please don’t make me.” It’s a plea.
“Baby?” I call up, and his head snaps down at the endearment because I’ve never called him anything other than Ryan. “I won’t make you do anything.” My eyes burn into his so he knows my words are one hundred percent sincere. “I would never force this on you. But you’re living across the country from your family. What happened to you was a freak thing. An awful thing, but rare all the same. All I’m asking is that you try. Maybe just step on board with me and see how that goes. Can you do that?”
He stands there, frozen, for the longest time. His eyes bounce back and forth between mine and the plane.
“I’ll be with you the whole time.”
He takes in a heavy breath and releases it slowly. “I’ll step on board, but no promises, Katie. I don’t think I can do this.”
