by J. Saman
“Don’t bitch at me, Ryan,” she hollers back. “I don’t take that crap and you know it.” We’re getting a little stir crazy in my house. The snow outside is out of control, and since Seattle is known for rain and not snow, the city doesn’t know how to handle it and shuts down.
Pussies.
They should try spending a winter in Philly or Boston.
I walk back from the kitchen into the office, where I find Claire sitting on the couch with her phone next to her, along with my cell phone, and her tablet perched on her lap.
“Sorry. I just wish the building were open.” I purchased space in a building downtown about two months back, but with the damn snow, it’s closed, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
“I know. Grow up and get over it. Just be thankful that your brilliant assistant lives within walking distance, or you’d be on your own.”
Is it wrong that I love how unprofessional Claire is with me?
I mean, who the hell talks to their boss like that?
Freaking millennials.
“The four people Luke hired to run the new contracts start tomorrow, and I have to get their paperwork in order before they can.”
“That’s why I pay you the big bucks, Claire. Did you want to stay for dinner? I’m starving and praying that the Thai place is both open and delivering.” I sit in my desk chair after snatching my phone off the couch.
I have their number programmed into my phone already, which some may consider sad, but I consider a necessity.
Especially since I have zero food in my house at the moment.
“No. I have a date tonight, and I need to go home to shower and shave for him.”
I cover my ears with my hands. “Jesus, Claire. Would it kill you to have a little professional decorum? I don’t fucking want to hear about you shaving for anyone.”
She smiles brightly as she winks one of her dark-blue eyes at me. “Professional is not really my style, and definitely not why you pay me the “big bucks,” as you old people call it,” she puts air quotes around the words. Tucking her tablet into her messenger bag, along with her phone, she stands up, her dark-red hair straggling under her bright-green beanie.
“Later, skater,” she throws me a wave and heads for the front door.
I shake my head just a little indulgently before calling in my dinner, and the gods are smiling on me because they’re not only open, they’ll be here in less than an hour.
Awesome.
Claire’s voice catches my attention, and it takes me a moment to realize that she’s actually talking to another person. Why is she still here? I get up and walk to the door, wondering if it’s something for me that explains her lingering, when I freeze mid-step.
She’s not on the phone. She’s talking to someone who is at my front door.
What the hell?
Claire’s formal intonation reaches my ears. “Yes, he’s here.” Huh? Who could be looking for me? Judging by her tone, it’s not good. I can’t hear who she’s speaking to, though. Maybe it’s a neighbor or something. “Do you want me to get him, or are you just going to stand there soaking wet and freezing?”
I take another few steps in the direction of the door, but still hold back in case it’s someone I don’t want to deal with.
Claire isn’t being a bitch, though her words aren’t exactly kind.
“No.” It’s a woman’s voice, but it’s faint and difficult to hear. “I should go.”
I halt mid-stride once again.
It can’t be.
I’m hearing the voice I’ve imagined in my head too many times.
“I don’t mean to intrude.”
Holy shit.
My heart starts to pound in my chest, and my pace quickens to the door without conscious thought. I fling the partially ajar door that Claire is blocking all the way open, startling everyone. It’s far too late to play it cool, but I don’t care. I need to know if it’s really her. It’s been three months since she left me in the middle of the night. Three months of unanswered texts.
Three months of fucking misery.
I can feel Claire’s scrutiny on me, but I can’t remove my gaze away from Katie.
Her pale-blue eyes are staring up at me, wide as saucers. Her cheeks are the color of roses, as is her nose for that matter. She’s wearing a black winter coat that is soaked through, along with her jeans and boots. Her long blonde hair is sticking out from under her New England Patriots—fucking Katie—stocking hat and is so saturated with moisture that rivers of frozen water are running from it down her shoulders and chest.
She’s stunning.
So fucking beautiful that my breath is caught in my chest.
“Hi,” she offers timidly, shifting her weight and biting her lip. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your company.” She looks at Claire quickly before turning back to me. “I’ll just come back another time.” She looks like she’s about to run again, but I can’t think clearly enough to do anything other than stare at her like a deer in headlights.
“Katie,” it’s all I can manage, and I feel like a prize idiot for the way I’m behaving, but I had started to convince myself that I would never see her again, so excuse me for being shocked as shit right now.
Claire snorts, waving her hand, drawing Katie’s eyes away from mine. “I’m not company, but it’s nice to finally meet you, Kate. This miserable bastard has told me a lot about you.” Claire points her thumb in my direction. “I was just leaving. You should come in, though. You look like you’re about to freeze to death.”
Claire stares at me as though I should take over at this point, like any sane, normal person would do. I can’t seem to be able to form words.
Katie’s eyes widen further, maybe a little panicked. “Um. No. I...” She looks behind her at the street, like she’s second-guessing her decision to show up here.
Finally, my brain catches up. “Katie. Come in, please. Claire, I’ll see you on Monday. Go, before you run out of time and your date shows up early.”
“Shit. Totally forgot.” Claire steps out of my doorway into the dark, snowy, early evening, stopping in front of Katie. “You understand,” she winks at Katie. “I can’t exactly have my date come over when my legs aren’t shaved, right?” She grabs Katie, pulling her in for a hug and whispering something I can’t hear into her ear. Katie laughs, hugging her back like they’re old friends.
They pull apart and Claire pats Katie on the shoulder before shoving her toward the door. I step back, and Katie reluctantly enters the house, looking around like it might be different than it was three months ago. It’s not, so her inspection is short.
“I, um. Shit,” Katie laughs self-consciously as I shut the door behind her. “I’m dripping water all over your house.”
She’s standing still on the entry rug, and this is getting awkward.
Awkward and wrong.
“Let me take your coat and then you can go over to the fireplace and warm up.” I’m so glad I lit that thing in anticipation of watching a movie tonight and eating by the fire.
She turns on her heels and smiles up at me. “Thanks, if you’re sure I’m not imposing,” she spews out. “I know I should have called or—”
“You never have to call, and you’re not imposing,” I rush, cutting her off mid-sentence. I need to find my inner, composed, confident self, and quick.
I take her coat, shoving it into the closet by the front door. Her dark-green sweater isn’t wet, but her jeans definitely are.
“Do you want to change into something dry?” Please say yes. Please say yes.
“I’m sure the fire will dry me off in no time.” She looks up at me from under her lashes as she takes off her boots and walks with socked feet over to the hearth. Sinking down on the edge of the carpet, she reaches her hands out, hoping to catch the warmth in her fingers, which are no doubt frozen through.
I pad over to the sofa, sinking down into it slowly, unable to take my eyes off of her.
“What ar
e you doing here?” I don’t mean it to come out the way it does, but she shows up at my door after months of radio silence?
I have no idea what this means, or what she’s even doing in Seattle. I guess I’m angry. Yeah, that’s one emotion going through me right now. Ecstatic joy and thrilled beyond belief are there too. Oh, and then there’s dread and anxiety. Can’t forget those.
Her cheeks become even redder if that’s possible, and I feel like a shit for asking her like that.
“I meant, what are you doing in Seattle?” I clarify in a softer tone.
Her small body turns towards me and her eyes fill with…regret? Apology?
“I live in Seattle,” she says so quietly, I have to strain to hear her, and even then it takes me a moment to understand her words.
“What? Since when?” I wasn’t expecting that answer at all, and it’s definitely throwing me through a loop. I lean forward, placing my forearms on my spread thighs.
“For the last two and a half months.”
I shoot up off the couch, pacing toward the dining area with my hand running through my hair. I have no idea where I’m going, but there is no way I can sit right now.
She’s been in Seattle for two and a half months?
That’s practically since she left me.
What. The. Fuck?
“And you’re just showing up now?” I turn to her, resentful, hurt, incredulous, and full of unanswered questions.
She stands up, walking to me and suddenly the last thing I want is her close proximity.
“Please sit down, Ryan. I have a lot to tell you. A lot to explain.”
Her tone is confident, and now that I’m looking at her, really looking at her, I see her eyes are lighter somehow. Not the color necessarily, but they’re lacking the weight that used to surround them.
“Please,” she says again when I don’t move.
Walking back over to the couch, I reluctantly sit down, rubbing my hands up and down my face.
Katie strides over, sitting down next to me, but leaving enough space to maintain my sanity. She smells like the cold and snow—and Katie. I hate the power she has over me. Hate how I still love her as if the months of absence never happened.
“After I left here,” she starts quietly, calmly, her hands folded neatly in her lap. “I hopped on the first flight out, which just so happened to be to Hawaii. I was a mess,” she chuckles lightly, but there is no humor in it. “For so many reasons, really.” She tilts her knees in my direction, her eyes locked on mine. “You see, I left because I felt like I was betraying Eric by loving you. By wanting to be with you. I missed Eric terribly, and I thought that if I still missed him like that, then there was no possible way I could ever be with you fully.”
“Katie, that’s not what I was asking for.”
She holds up a hand, stopping me. “Please just let me talk. I know you have a lot to say as well, but if I don’t do this, I’ll never get it out.”
I wave a hand in the air, giving her the floor, though I just want to grab her and pull her into my arms and not bother with the rest. I also want to shove her out the front door and slam it in her face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such conflicting emotions in my entire life.
“At first, it was all about Eric and Maggie. I stayed at the place where we honeymooned, with the sole intention of seeing him in my mind. Of feeling him everywhere I went. And Maggie is a natural extension of everything I do, and always will be, so she was there too. Then you started sending me those texts.” I can’t help but grin, even though it feels funny on my lips and small in purpose. “I loved those texts, Ryan. Counted down the seconds until I got another. I rarely let my phone out of my sight for fear that I’d miss it. I was indignant and depressed and grief-stricken, and fucking heartbroken for so many reasons, and just…emotionally spent.”
Katie shifts closer to me, but I don’t dare move. I can’t let her touch me. She’s going to leave again the second this conversation is done, and if she touches me, it’ll ruin me for good.
And then what?
Then I’m fucked, that’s what.
“Then one day, out on a walk, I found a boxing studio. My trainer, Tiger—” I raise an eyebrow at the name that she ignores. “—was so amazing. And Ryan?” I look at her fully as my name passes over her lips. “It helped. Something about beating those bags just does it for me,” she smirks, tilting her head down, her wet, blonde hair clinging to her cheek.
The urge to brush it behind her ear is real, but I hold myself back.
“Anyway, I was still so conflicted about everything, and then a friend called,” her smile widens. “My mother-in-law. Long story short, she set me straight on a lot of things, and that afternoon, I flew back here, to Seattle.”
I stand up, needing to move, and end up pacing around the coffee table in front of the fire, but the heat coming off of it is too much, so I head to the kitchen, needing a fucking drink.
Katie gets up, following me in.
Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, I pour myself three fingers of whiskey, downing half of it in one gulp.
“You got some for me?” she asks, and I smile into my drink as I down the rest of it. I grab another glass and pour her some, before refilling mine.
“So you’ve been here since you came back from Hawaii?” I question and prompt. I need her to keep talking.
She nods, taking a small sip of her whiskey and licking her lips the way she always does after she drinks alcohol. Fuck, I love that.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner.”
I hate the sincerity in her voice. Unable to even look at her right now, I turn, facing the sink and the window with my back to her.
“I wanted to. Believe me when I tell you that I did, but I still wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I needed to find myself.”
“What the fuck does that mean, Katie?” I spin around to glare her. “What kind of crap is that? You couldn’t even let me know that you were safe? That you were in town and doing okay? I would have given you space if you had asked, but to never even contact me…” I shake my head, unable to finish my thought.
She looks down, setting her glass on the marble. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I really didn’t think of it like that. I was afraid that if I came to you too soon, I would mess everything up worse than I already had. I’ve never been alone. Not since the age of twelve.”
She does that nervous laugh thing again before pulling her attention back up to me.
“I mean, I was alone for those two plus years after they died, but that didn’t really count. I’ve never been alone, living a real life. So I got a small apartment close to the hospital, transferred my nursing license here, and I joined a mixed martial arts studio to help channel my anger. I do yoga twice a week to try and Zen out all of that anger, and I go to a support group once a week for people who have lost spouses and children. I finally feel like I’ve gotten myself together,” she spits out as fast as she can before her shoulders sag slightly, like just saying all of that was exhausting.
Slowly, she moves around the island, stopping in front of me and locking her eyes with mine.
“I know I’ve been gone a while. That you’ve been living your life without me and that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, let alone another chance, but I want it. Both of them. I want to be with you, Ryan, and all that entails.”
30
Ryan
* * *
I want to say yes to her instantly. To grab her small perfect body that I love so much and kiss her into tomorrow, but I’m not moving. I’m just staring at her, wondering if she’s going to cut me to shreds again. Wondering how long this new Katie will last before the old wounds come out and take her from me.
“I’m ready, Ryan,” she says as if reading my thoughts. Stepping forward, she reaches out, placing a hand on my arm. Her touch is like the best sort of fire on my skin. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. It’s why I stayed away so long. I’m ready and I love you, and I’ll never hurt you
again,” she promises.
Lowering my head, our foreheads touch and a heavy, shaky breath leaves her lungs as her eyes close. “I missed you,” I whisper, staring down at her.
My world begins and ends with her.
“I’ve missed you too. So much. I’m so sorry,” she says as sweet tears cascade down her reddened cheeks.
My thumbs come up to wipe them away, caressing her silken cheeks and cupping her jaw.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. Everything is going to be okay.”
Her eyes open, blinking a few times to clear her tears before focusing on me. “Really?”
“Yes. I love you too much to send your adorable ass packing.”
She laughs through her crying, and I can’t help but return her glowing smile.
“Good. I was worried you would be over me by now.”
“Never, Katie. I already told you that. Haven’t my pictures and texts been enough of an indicator of my feelings for you?”
She shrugs a shoulder. “You could just have a penchant for sending pictures and texts. It’s hard to say what kind of kink you’re into.”
I laugh and brush my lips against hers, unable to hold back any longer. She tastes like minty toothpaste and whiskey, and Katie.
She tastes like my Katie and I can’t get enough of her.
Just as I’m about to part her lips and get a real taste, the motherfucking doorbell rings.
“Expecting company?” she asks, quirking an eyebrow up at me.
I nod. “You hungry?”
She nods back. “I’m always hungry.”
“Then I’ll go get our dinner and you can sit your ass down in front of the fireplace, but only after you go upstairs and find yourself something warm to wear. I don’t want you getting my couch all wet.” I pull back with a devilish smile. “At least not yet.”
She laughs, shaking her head and pushing me toward the door like the last three months of separation never happened. Like we’ve been playing this game all along. Like we’ll be doing it with each other for the rest of our lives.
