by Mel Darbon
“I’ll never forget Jack. Jack took away my lonely.” I pull my duvet up to cover my face. When I peep back over the edge, Mum has gone. Mum’s upset. I always talk to her, but I can’t now cos she doesn’t understand about Jack. No one does.
Jack. Where are you? Why haven’t you called me? What did I do bad?
I take my phone out from under my pillow and send Jack another text.
don’t u luv me eni mor? Rosie: (((((xxx
That’s eighty and two texts I’ve sent him. No texts back.
I went to bed early at seven and ten bits round the clock. So I could think about what to do. It’s not working. I throw my covers off and go and look out the window. A piece-of-orange moon plays hide and seek with the clouds. I hold it between my fingers. I wonder if Jack can see it too.
I can’t shake off my gloomy head. I’m falling deeper and deeper into sad. I shut my eyes and make my head think about a happy time with Jack. All I can see is his face full of frightened as the police man takes him away through the college doors.
I pick up the photo on my bedside table of me and Jack dancing. He didn’t stop smiling at me for the whole dance. I sit on the floor with my back to the radiator and rest our picture on my lap. Behind me in the photo I can see my best friend, Lou. In her new motor-wheelchair. With red wheels with silver stars on. We’ve been best friends since we joined college. She can’t talk by herself or walk by herself. Except her arms and legs move all on their own sometimes. Once she hit Toby Varley on the nose by mistake and made it bleed. I look after her and she looks after me. She’s very clever.
I trace my finger around photo-Jack and it helps me back to that memory. When Jack kissed me for the first time. That was seven months, one week and three days ago. I was at the Monday Night Club, which is a disco just for people who are special. At the youth centre.
I watch as Jack Darcy shoots across the car park. He does a hardflip around Mrs Dean’s car on his skateboard. Then he does a spinny thing in time to the disco music spilling out the door. He’s such a show-off. He stops by Jamie and Sandra who are kissing under the Horse Conker tree. Jack high-fives Jamie and kisses Sandra on the cheek. I don’t like him kissing her…but I don’t know why.
“What you lookin’ at, Rose?” Elaine, our supervisor, presses her nose against the glass and peers outside. “You watch out for that one, my girl. He’ll break your heart. Tsk! How did those two sneak out there? I can’t turn my back for a minute. You lot know you’re not allowed outside.” She walks off grumbling.
Jack spins round on his board and catches me watching him. He blows me a kiss as he races past the window and heads for the doors. I push back from the window and nearly fall over Lou in her wheelchair. Her iPad voice shouts at me, “WATCH IT!”
As I stand up straight the door flies open and Jack Darcy races around the edge of the dance floor before he does an ollie in the middle of the room.
“SWANKER,” Lou says on loud.
Angus Jones whistles loudly with his fingers and everyone claps and cheers. Jack holds his board up in the air and bows. Toby Varley tries to whistle with his fingers like Angus, but it sounds like a fart. Everyone starts to laugh. Jack winks at me, but I turn my back and help Lou with her drink.
“YOU’VE GONE BRIGHT RED,” Lou voices. I glare at her but she sticks her tongue out at me and pushes her finger down on the keyboard. “YOU’RE INTO JACK.”
“Are you?” a voice says behind me.
I turn round and Jack is standing looking at me with his sky-blue eyes. His dark brown hair keeps falling over one of them. I feel all wobbly and my words won’t speak.
“Dance with me?” He smiles and it makes me go all pleased shivery. Then he takes my hand. And I never want him to let it go.
“GO, ROSE!” Lou cheers and waves her arms around her head.
Jack laughs and takes me onto the dance floor.
After a while a slow song comes on and Jack pulls me in close to his chest. I look up at him and he bends his head down to kiss me—
“Why can’t you leave me ALONE?”
Ben’s shout reaches into my happy thought and snatches it away. He slams his door and I can feel the shake through my feet. I was just about to kiss Jack. I try and get the picture back in my head. It’s no good. My brother has spoiled it up. Little brothers can be a pain. ’Cept he’s not little, he’s very big for fifteen years old.
I go to the bathroom to get some water. Downstairs Mum and Dad are talking in whisper-shouts. I lean over the stair rail to listen. It’s me talk.
“It’s not fair, Mike. You can’t do this to her. What harm would it do to let her have the postcards Jack wrote?”
Cards? Cards Jack wrote? I don’t know what Mum’s saying.
“Keep your voice down, Sarah. What harm? I’d have thought that was obvious. She needs Jack out of her life now. You give her the cards and she’ll think she’s going to see him again.”
“She’s heartbroken, you could at least stop her thinking that he doesn’t love her any more.”
“Good, I hope she does think that, then she’ll get over him sooner rather than later. It’s no good looking at me like that, Sarah. What if Jack hurt her?”
I want to shout to them that Jack would never hurt me. Ever. I hear Mum tap her fingernails on the table. She does that when she’s upset.
“I’m not stupid, I can see the risk and I obviously think it’s best they forget about each other, but he’s not all bad, Mike. Rose has been with him for seven months, so if you thought he was that much of a liability, why didn’t you say something before?”
Mum’s words make knots in my head. There are too many to make sense of them all. But I get that my mum wants me to forget Jack. I fold my arms around me where her words kicked me.
Dad’s voice is getting shoutier. I try and catch up with what they are saying.
“…nobody would listen, as usual. Whose side are you on anyway?”
“No one’s, everyone’s – oh I don’t know, it’s not about sides. I just think we should give her the postcards.”
“Over my dead body!”
“Shush! Stop shouting.”
I can’t hear any more cos someone shuts the kitchen door and Ben has put Li-turgy on very loud in his bedroom.
My feet are glued down on the carpet. My back slides down the wall where I am, so my bottom sits on the floor. I go over what they said. Jack sent me cards. Why would Jack send cards? Why didn’t he phone? Or text? Cards… Dad has cards from Jack. My cards.
Jack still loves me.
Mum doesn’t want me to love Jack any more.
Dad hates Jack.
I think Dad took my cards from Jack.
Dad stole my cards from Jack.
I must find them.
I go back to my bedroom and wait. I curl up in a ball on my bed. I feel tears run down my cheek. I have a water-fall on my face. I’m too unhappy to wipe the wet away, even though it tickles me. I climb under my duvet to make my crying quiet.
My clock says it’s half way round the clock past twelve. That’s the time I put my alarm on for. I squashed it under my pillow so it only woke me up. Mum and Dad are in bed cos I can hear Dad snoring. I can go and look in his office room now.
It’s very dark, so I have to find my way by walking my hand along the wall. I touch something spidery and nearly scream. I bite my dressing gown to stop me.
The floorboards are creaking. I try not to step on them too hard. I’m sure I’ll wake somebody up before I get downstairs. My heart is wave-crashing in my chest.
It’s taking me for ever to get to Dad’s office. That’s where my Jack cards will be hidden. I know, cos we’re not allowed in there. Not many more steps and I’ll be there. I know I’m half down the stairs cos my foot gets caught where our dog, Winniebago, chewed the carpet. I reach the bottom and creep past the kitchen so she doesn’t scratch at the door. Then I run to the office on the tops of my toes.
The office door is shut. I twist the handle an
d nothing moves. I try again and give a little push with my shoulder. It swings open and I fall through the gap. I stay in my fallen-over place on the rug. Not daring to move. After lots of bits I pull myself up. I mouse-quiet shut the door, and switch the light on. And wait until no one comes.
The room is a mess. Dad’s papers are piled all over the place. His laptop snoozes on the table… I’ll never find my Jack in here. I don’t know where to look. I pick a file up and look under a magazine. They could be anywhere. I start to get gloomy but tell myself off. I’ve got to put my shoulders back and be strong.
I open drawers. I pull one out too fast, tipping it up. Lots and lots of pens and paper clips fall everywhere. I’m sure Mum will wake up now. She can hear a dropping pin.
A door opens and footsteps walk along the ceiling. They stop. I hold my breath until my lungs are about to pop. The toilet flushes. The footsteps walk away and vanish.
I must hurry up. I push things out the way and turn things upside down. Dad smiles out from a holiday in France photo, on the top of his desk. I turn it flat, so I can’t see his face.
On the floor, Dad has built up some boxes in a tower. I rip the lids off and throw out anything in my way. I don’t care. Then I remember I don’t want him to know I’ve been here. I put everything back.
It’s all taking too long.
In a middle box I find a card with my name on it. And then more cards, all with Luv Jack and lots of his drawings on the front and back. I’ve found them. I hug them to me.
I sit down on the rug and spread the cards in front of me. One, two, three, four, five, six. Six cards. Jack has written nearly all the days. I snatch up each card. First I look at his drawings on the front. He’s drawn the cards specially for me. So I can read the pictures. To help the writing. He always does that to help me with hard homework and stuff.
I can see his picture head with monsters jumping out of it. Jack paints the monsters in his head to throw his angry out. There’s a little fly on one card buzzing round the edge. I don’t know why he’s there. And then I see a picture of Jack crying. That makes me more sad than I am.
I read the words after the pictures. I’m not fast at reading but every card tells me how much Jack loves me.
I need u Rosie. I luv u 4ever.
That makes the sun shine in my head. Then I see why he didn’t text me or call me. A picture of his phone explodes on one card.
I picture Jack in the snow. His hurt is my hurt. All inside me. I wipe my eyes with a tissue. Then I read how lonely he is.
Ware r u? Why dont u rite? I cant bare anuther day wivout u.
Then I find the bit that breaks my heart into pieces.
Dont u luv me enny more?
I cry for Jack and I cry for me. I hide my face inside my dressing gown, so no one can hear me. Then I cry it out, so I can find my strong.
I wipe my nose on my sleeve and put the cards in order. One, two times Jack has written where he lives in Brighton.
Manor House Farm, Woods Lane, Hassocks, Brighton, BN6 7QL.
I kopid that from a leeflet on the hall tabul at the howse. Its the 1 paynted wite with see-green shuters like ur eyes :)
I pick up all the cards and hide them in my pyjama pocket.
I’m angry-hurt with Dad. He tried to rub me and Jack out.
I’m sad-cross with everyone.
I make a plan in my head.
I’m going to find Jack.
I can do it.
I am Rose.
It’s half way past the evening six. My purple bag is packed and ready to go. Clothes. Pants and socks. Make up. Money. My Jack cards are in the secret pocket inside, all zipped up. I like Jack being safe. Best of all, my little blue butterfly brooch is pinned on my coat. I don’t wear it to college cos I don’t want to lose it. Jack gave it to me after we saw a blue-sky butterfly in the Butterfly House at Chester Zoo. It landed on my hand then flew onto Jack’s nose. My grandma laughed and said it was watching over us. We liked that.
I push the bag under the bed. I don’t want anyone to see it.
I hear the door slam. Mum’s home from work. She looks after young girls who aren’t very happy and need help. I usually sit in the kitchen at ten past the six o’clock to hug her when she gets in. Cos her job can make her sad sometimes. I don’t want to hug her tonight. And I didn’t want to kiss her goodbye when she got out this morning either. I was tired and cross-patch and my tummy hurt from being sad-sack at her and Dad… And I have to lie to her. It’s bad to lie.
“Rose? Are you there? I’ve got takeaway hot chicken from Marks and Sparks.”
I take a deep breath and shout down, “OkayMum, coming!” I know I have to try to be normal Rose. Cos I don’t want Mum or Dad or Ben to guess I’m up to something. I worked that out all by myself.
“Tell Ben to come now too please and make sure he’s washed his hands.”
“Yeahsure.”
I check again that my purple bag is tucked under the bed before I go downstairs. I knock on Ben’s door but he doesn’t answer. He’s probably got his earphones on. I just go in. He’s squashed up against his wall mirror looking at his nose.
“What part of ‘knock before you come in’ don’t you get?” Ben grumps at me. His nose looks very red.
“I did knock.”
“Knock louder then.”
Mum bellows up the stairs, “Are you two coming?”
Ben looks at me and grins, before rushing towards the door. He stops when he sees I’m not following him. “What’s wrong with you? Come on, I’m starving! Go!”
We race downstairs, pushing and shoving each other. It makes Mum cross.
“For goodness’ sake, you two, are you ever going to grow out of that stupid game?” Mum sighs as we get stuck in the doorway trying to get through first. “What took you so long?”
“Ben was squeezing a spot.”
“Shut it, Rose.”
“But you were.”
“Lay the table, please, Rose, and Ben, you do the drinks. Dad will be home any minute now – talk of the devil, here he is now.”
“You’re right, Mum. Dad is a devil. With big red horns!”
Mum looks surprised at me as I’m never grumpy like Ben. Dad bursts through the back door and swings Mum around. Mum gets all giggly and tells him to stop. I want him to stop too. I want him to go back to work. My unhappy makes me not like him.
Ben shakes his head at me and pushes his eyebrows up. Dad goes over and messes his hair, which makes Ben very cross. He spends ages making it flop over one eye. Like Jack’s. Jack’s does it all by itself.
Dad tries to kiss me on the top of my head. “No cuddle for your old dad tonight?” He tries to wrap his arms around me but I pull away. He claps his hands together and makes a smile that doesn’t look happy. “What’s for dinner then, Sarah?”
My phone shivers in my pocket and I snatch it out, hoping it will be Jack.
How r u? Has Jack text u?
Lou. I swallow a lump in my throat. She cried when I first told her Jack had gone. And everyone at college gave me a group hug. Mr Dean said we had to stop as we were blocking the corridor. Lou said she had my hurting inside her too. And she wanted to make me happy again. Only Jack being back can do that really. Yesterday Lou sent me an email at five on the clock, with lots of photos of us all together. She put a talk bubble coming out her mouth on a picture of me and her hugging. It said, I LOVE YOU. You’re the best friend EVER.
I want to answer her text but I’m too un-happy at the moment.
“Put that phone away, Ben,” Mum says, pointing her finger at Ben.
“Rose is on her phone. Why pick on me?”
“Don’t cheek your mum,” Dad says to Ben.
“Christ, Dad! Why can’t everyone get off my back?”
I look at Ben and sigh. “There isn’t anyone on your back.”
Mum and Dad start giggling and even Ben starts to laugh. I make an even bigger sigh.
“Let’s eat before it all goes cold.”
Mum uses her no-nonsense voice. She waves her hand around the table. “Eat, eat!”
I push some peas around my plate. One falls off and rolls across the table. Ben goes to flick it, but Mum gives him her eyebrow look. You don’t argue with Mum’s eyebrow. Dad’s talking about work now. He makes ad-verts for the telly and the radio. And in magazines. He gets over-excited when he has a new idea and flings his arms around. He nearly knocks his wine over. Mum has gone all pink and chatty. I watch them. I can’t talk. I can’t eat. My insides turn over and over. I have to miss work tomorrow. I have to find Jack and be with him. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can leave my house. My Henley-on-Thames. Can I get to Brighton by myself? Mum and Dad say I can do whatever I want. I can be in-de-pen-dent, but even that stupid word is too hard to say.
Inside me I have a big talk with myself. You walk to Waitrose on a Saturday on your own, Rose. To go to work. You pack all the people’s shopping bags all by yourself. And stack the shelves with food. Erin has to have a super-visor from Henley College. You go on the number three bus to Henley College when Mum can’t take you. You go to Jim’s cafe on your own every day. Nearly every day. You go to the river park with your friends when it’s sunny. And you go for lots of walks with Jack; and you go to the cinema with Jack all by yourself… That’s all in Henley-on-Thames but once you went to Reading with Jack too. That wasn’t very nice. But, remember, Jack’s mum took you and Jack to Brighton. And she left you both for lots of bits of time. AND Grandma told you that you can do most things on your own. She should know cos you see her lots. Remember she took you to London and let you look in Topshop without her… You see, Rose, you are very in-de-pen-dent.
“Earth calling Rose! Hello? You were miles away. Where have you been?”
“I’m sitting at the table eating my dinner.”
Mum looks at me with a smile that isn’t in her eyes. Her eyes are down in the dumps.
“You’ve barely touched your food. It’s one of your favourites.”
“I hope your chin isn’t going to actually rest on that plate!” Dad teases Ben.
