by Mel Darbon
I can’t see any stars, just the shape of the moon hiding behind the night clouds.
I wonder if Jack is thinking about me. I want to let him know I’m going to be in Brighton tomorrow. And that nothing matters but us. He is in my head and all of me.
I reach out to touch the moon where it shines on the glass. Once Jack said he wanted a pizza the size of the moon.
I shut the curtains. Thinking about pizza makes my stomach moan again. I have a coconut bar in my bag. It sticks in my throat and I have to get a drink of water from the sink tap. The water hurts my teeth.
I decide to get ready for bed. It’s not my bedtime as it’s only six o’clock and five bits past. But I want to get to Jack quicker.
The tap shudders and whistles when I turn it on again, like the one in the girls’ loos at Henley College. College seems so far away from me. Lou will miss me. I wonder who pushed her wheelchair for her at college today? I’m sad I can’t talk to her cos I’d have to tell her where I am and her feelings will be hurt. My phone is out of battery anyway. My Rosie face in the mirror looks disappointed with me.
But Jack will be over-the-moon happy when I see him.
I wipe the toothpaste off my mouth and check my teeth are whiter than ever before.
I lie down on the bed and curl myself around my bag, making sure the badges are on the other side. I stroke the soft fur away from my face. I think of Winniebago, who makes me feel calm. She has lots of white fur that fluffs up like a lion mane round her head. She always knows when you are sad. She followed me everywhere after Jack was taken away.
I shut my eyes and listen to the laughter coming from downstairs. My eyes open and shut. The tired falls down from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.
I wake up later and I don’t know this place. I’m wrapped round my bag and the fur is tickling my nose. Slowly, I start to remember the room and where I am. The light around the door shines brightly. Then part of it goes dark. The handle of my door moves down…down. I grab my pillow and hold it tight. I can hear someone stopping a cough. Then I hear a burst of angry air hiss behind the door. I can’t shout for help. My mouth is scared shut and my eyes can’t move away from the handle. But I want to bury myself under the duvet and be safe. The handle moves slowly back up. The dark goes away and the light is all around the door again.
I’m shaking. Someone whimpers. It’s me. I slip under the covers taking my bag with me. No one can see me now. I lift the duvet up in a little tunnel so I can look along it and watch the door.
I don’t know what the time is but it’s grey night in the room. I can hear the radiator click like my one at home. My nose is stuffy. I stretch my leg out and rest it on a colder part of the bed.
I remember the door.
It’s tight shut and the light is in a yellow line all the way around. I throw the cover off and make myself go and check the door. It doesn’t move. I let out a big sigh. P’raps last night wasn’t real. P’raps it was a night mare.
I open the curtains and make a circle space for me to see through the mist. The sun lights the bottom of the sky, turning the black to purple. My favourite colour. It makes me feel good about today.
It hasn’t snowed any more. Little feet have walked holes across the garden making dot to dots. I follow them with my finger on the window. It leaves a snail trail on the glass.
My trains will be back. I feel butterfly wings inside me. They are more excited than me. I open the window and shout out to the morning, “I’m going to see Jack today!”
A dark shape runs across the garden and disappears. I can hear it scratching around in the bushes. My breath puffs out fog in front of my face. I clap my hands to catch it but it jumps through my fingers. The cold air makes my nose run. I don’t want to catch a chill and I have to get a move on. Jack needs me.
I close the window and get ready for the day.
I’m going to wear the earrings Jack got me. They have peacock feathers that tickle your face. Jack says they match my eyes.
Mirror Rose smiles at me. “Not long until Jack.”
I pack my bag carefully and make sure everything is there. I make my bed up and wipe round the sink with some tissue. I’m ready for breakfast.
There’s a knock on my door. I don’t know anyone to knock.
“Hi,” a lady voice calls.
When I open the door the girl with the freckles is there. She has a black jumper on today. It’s all baggy. She’s smiling and holding a tray with two muffins and two mugs piled with marshmallows.
“Look, I got breakfast for us.”
Behind her a voice calls up the stairs, “Maddie, is that you?”
She starts to come through my door.
“I think that voice is talking to you,” I say to the girl.
She shrugs. “I don’t know him.”
“Hey! Maddie! It’s me – Jed.”
She raises her eyes up to her eyebrows. “Take that, please.” She hands me the tray and goes to look down the stairs.
A head appears at the top of the stairs with round glasses on his face. “Maddie! Didn’t you hear me just now?”
“Do I know you?”
“Yeah…you’re joking, right?”
Maddie doesn’t answer. The boy pulls at his chin. “We, like, spent some time together yesterday? At the Mex Bar.” His voice falls quiet.
“You must have got me muddled with someone else. I’m super busy right now, Reg.”
“Are you crazy? What do you mean? We had a bite, drank tequila… We were going to Madame Tussauds today… And it’s Jed.”
“I. Don’t. Know. You. You obviously drank too many tequilas.” She comes into the room and shuts the door. “What a moron. Here, give me the tray back and bring that table round so we can sit together. Great room.” She walks round looking at everything. She opens a door. “You got your own bathroom. So cool. I had to share mine with a bunch of losers.”
“That boy looked very sad, Maddie.”
“It’s not my problem he’s retar— a complete knob. And my name isn’t Maddie, it’s Mia.”
I feel all wrong. “Knob” and “loser” aren’t nice words. Ben uses them all the time.
She puts the tray on the bedside table. “Come and sit with me.” She moves my bag onto the floor and pats the bed.
I slide my bag over to me and push it under the bed.
“You want some muffin?”
“Yesplease.”
“Chocolate orange or blueberry, I’m cool with either?”
“Chocolate orange, please. I don’t eat cake ’cept on special occasions. I watch my weight. I don’t care today.”
“Absolutely! Who cares about stupid diets? God, you don’t need to worry. Is hot chocolate okay?”
“Yesthankyou!”
“Don’t you just love cream and marshmallows?” She scoops a large spoonful into her mouth. “What did I say? You’ve got the biggest grin on your face I’ve ever seen.”
“My Jack loves marsh-mellows.”
“You are so sweet! Who’s my Jack?”
“My boyfriend.”
“Wow! Lucky you. No, put your purse away, this is my treat.”
“Thankyouverymuch.”
I don’t know why she’s treating me. I don’t know her. She’s very, very kind.
“Don’t bounce up and down too much; you’ll spill your drink.”
I spoon some marshmallows into my mouth. Mia cuts up her cake with a plastic knife. I check the bed clock on the table. Nine-o-four. I’ll be with Jack before the morning is over. My heart does a flip-flop.
“Hey, I can’t believe we haven’t swapped names. Mine’s Mia.”
“Iknowyousaidthat. I’m Rose. Rose Tremayne.”
“Pleased to meet you, Rose Tremayne.” Mia points at my mug with her teaspoon. “You’d better catch some of that cream that’s spilling down the side of your mug. So, what are you doing today?”
“I’m going to Brighton. To be with my boyfriend, Jack.”
; “I’d LOVE to go to Brighton. I’ve heard it’s super cool. D’you want to try some of this blueberry muffin?”
“Yesplease.” Mia breaks off a bit and passes it to me.
“Here.” I hand her my muffin to bite.
Her nose crinkles. “Yuck! No thanks.”
“Are you scared you’ll catch me germs? Mum says people are scared of what they don’t know. I don’t want anyone to be scared of me.”
Mia looks at me with her mouth open. “God, Rose, relax. I can’t stand chocolate orange, that’s all.” She pushes her plate away and tosses her hair back over her shoulder. It makes her hair-parting move to the side of her head. “What are you staring at? Didn’t your mother tell you that staring at people is rude?”
I’m all mixed up and my cheeks have gone pink. I look at my lap. Mia said she was cool with both cakes…my ears must have got it wrong. When I look back up Mia goes over to the window and looks out. She writes something on the glass, I think it’s her name. Then she rubs it out with her sleeve. She turns back to me. Her hair-parting is back in the middle of her head.
“Cheer up, Rose, no harm done, but you shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”
“Sorry. My grandma told me not to jump to con-fusions,” I say in a quiet voice.
“No probs…what’s this?”
“My Jack card. It got wet when some girls put Coca-Cola on it. It’s gone curly on the edges.”
She drops it onto the radiator top but it falls down the back. She leaves it there. “You ready to go?”
“Yesthankyou.” I get up and save Jack from behind the radiator. I brush the dust off and put him on the bed next to me.
“Oh, sorry. Have you got everything?”
“My train ticket is in my bag. And my money. And my Jack cards. I have to go to Victoria Station.”
“I checked the internet before breakfast, and most trains are running now – supposedly. Anyway, rush hour is nearly over so we can get moving. Put your money away, you have to be careful. You can’t keep waving it about, sweetie. I had fifty pounds stolen from my rucksack in the last hostel I stayed in.”
“That’s veryvery bad! You mustn’t steal. Do you go to lots of Youth Hostels?”
Mia gets her phone out her pocket. “Hmm?”
“Someone tried to get in my room last night. I don’t think it was a bad dream, but I told me it was.”
“Sure.”
She’s not listening to me. I unzip my bag and put my money back. “There! My purse is in the pocket inside my bag. Jack is looking after it.”
Mia laughs. “Are you hiding him in there?” She pulls my bag over to look.
“No. He sent me cards to let me know about him.” I zip my bag up and slide it back under the bed. “Jack loves me.”
“Ah, that’s so sweet. D’you have a photo of him?”
I have to open my bag again. Mia bends down to look. I pass my picture of Jack to her that I keep in the secret pocket.
“He’s cute,” she says, handing it back to me.
I kiss Jack before I tuck him away. Mia checks her watch.
“Areyouokay, Mia?”
“I’m good; I just need to get going. You too, if you want to get to Brighton before it snows again. Why don’t you go to the bathroom then we can make our way to Victoria Station together?”
“I don’t need a bath. I had a shower when I got up.”
“I mean go to the toilet. You don’t want to use the ones at the station. They’re gross. I’ll go first then you can go.”
When Mia comes back I go for my wee. I have to make one come, cos I don’t really need to go. When I come out, I can’t see Mia. I go and look out the door but she’s not there.
I eat more muffin but my tummy says I don’t want it any more. I pick it into crumbles and make it into little hills.
The bed clock on the table says nine and four six now. I can’t wait any longer. I want to get to Jack as fast as possible. I’ve had enough of this place.
Mia has forgotten me. Maybe I took too long trying to make a wee and she had to run for a train. P’raps she was cross with me. I’m mixed up in my head now and I can’t sit still. I pick my Jack card up. It’s number six. The last one Jack sent. It has a drawing on the front of a sad Jack face. He’s crying. In the corner is our little blue butterfly.
I have to get to Victoria. I’m not waiting for Mia. Jack needs me.
Round the edge of the postcard there is some tiny writing.
Thers a litel blu buturfli on the wall. He shudnt be awake yet. I put him out the windo and sent him to u. Look out for him. He wil take care of u. Jack x
I look round the room but I can’t see him. I remember all the butterflies in the tunnel with the singing man. They flew off the picture and danced with me. They made me happy. I will look out for Jack’s blue butterfly. It will help me find him. I smile and do my coat up. I check inside my head for the journey. Earl’s Court. District and Circle line. Green line. Four stops to Victoria. I can remember the way to the tube station.
It’s easy.
I’m standing by a red postbox. I didn’t see it last night. It must have been hidden in snowflakes. I don’t know which way to go. A man with a dog in a green coat is coming towards me.
“’Scusemeplease. Can—”
He walks on with his head down. The dog tries to say hello to me. The man drags him away making the dog yelp. His bottom leaves a path in the snow.
The houses down here aren’t looked after. They look at me with their window eyes. One of the eyes winks at me. It makes me shiver. I walk up the road and see a little park. I go in there to think. The cold is making my head not work.
I can see some swings. The wind is pushing them backwards and forwards. They squeak and groan. They are in pain. They look so lonely. I want to sit on one and pretend I’m a little girl again. Then all the big things I have to think about would be gone. I’d kick my legs up to swing higher and higher so I could sit on a cloud and be safe.
I walk along the path a bit. Someone has swept the snow away. It’s piled up at the sides. In the middle of the path is a little statue. I brush the snow off it. A lion looks at me with a sad face. His ears have gone. I think he’s sad because he can’t hear any more.
I find a bench and make myself be a grown up person. I clean it up and sit with my bag on my lap. I’m wasting time being this Rose again.
I can ask someone else how to get to the station.
I can wait here for someone to come.
My nose is running. I get a tissue from my bag and pat the purse pocket to check everything is there.
It was fat and poking out.
It’s flat.
I unzip it.
Only my Jack cards are in there.
I rub my eyes and look again but my purse and my tickets have vanished.
I throw everything out onto the snow. They must be in the big part of my bag. I pick up my clothes and turn them all inside out. I shake and shake them, then throw them back on the ground. They’re getting wet but I don’t care. I check all the pockets again.
Inside and outside.
My purse has gone.
My money has gone.
My phone has gone.
My tickets.
Gone.
“Nonononononono.”
“Hey, dziecino, hey, hey. What is it?”
“Mystuffsallgone.”
“Don’t cry, dziecino, tell Janek what has happened.”
He starts to pick up my clothes.
“NO! Don’ttouchmystuff!”
“They’re getting ruined, come, let me help you.”
The big, gold-coin ring on his finger gets caught on some sparkles on a T-shirt. He pulls it off. The sparkles scatter across the snow.
“There, we fold this up and put it in your bag like so and I shake the dirt off, then we dry them later. One more, see? It’s good you are calming down now. Blow your nose, you will feel better.”
He puts my bag next to me on the bench and han
ds me a white hanky.
“Blow! Fantastic. No, no, you keeping it now. Let me wrap my scarf around your neck, you need to get warm, yes?”
It smells of stinky aftershave and smoke. He sits down next to my bag and takes out a cigarette.
“Tell me what is making you so upset.”
My words are stuck inside me. I just want my things back. I think Mia was pretend nice. I think she took my things away. I want my Jack. Not this man wearing sunglasses in the winter. He has little holes on his face, like my dad’s work-boss. His hair is blond with grey bits at the side. It goes past his collar.
His match hisses.
“What is so terrible that you cannot talk? What is your name? That is a good place to start.”
“R…Rose.”
“That is a beautiful name. I am very pleased to meet you, Rose, my name is Janek.” He takes his glasses off and smiles at me. “Calm down, Rose, you are not helping yourself. Janek can’t help you if you can’t tell him problem. This is better, now tell me what has caused all these tears.”
“My p…purse has gone. My t…ticket h…has gone.”
“You are sure is correct?”
I nod.
“Where are you last having these things?”
“The hostel. I know they were there. Rose put them there. IhavetogettomyJack. Ihaveto…get a train.”
“Don’t get all upset again, Janek will help you. Tell me what is this train you get?”
“To Brighton. Where Jack is.”
“Who is this Jack?”
“My boyfriend. I HAVE to find him.”
“Then find him we will, my aniolku.”
I open my mouth but it doesn’t say anything. It just opens and closes.
“You look like a little fish I kept as a child.” Janek puffs his cheeks out and pop, pop, pops his mouth. He sees my face, throws his head back and laughs. He has a pointy tooth at the top. “O mój Boz˙e.” Janek wipes his eyes. He re-lights his cigarette and I watch the smoke curl out his mouth and round his ear.
