by Todd, Ian
“Naw, bit ye kin bloody blow a lot ae hot air, so ye kin.”
“Aw, stoap yer bloody whinging. It’s no as if Ah’m asking fur much, am Ah? Some basturt’s dabbling behind the scenes withoot involving or asking us first and Ah want tae know who the fuck they ur and whit they’re up tae.”
“Tony, ye’re asking me tae become a bloody altar boy and Ah’m no even a bloody Catholic, fur fuck’s sake.”
“Ach, away ye go and stoap making something oot ae nothing. Ah’m telling ye, ye’ll need tae call that wee humph-backed priest’s bluff tae see whit it is he’s up tae or ye won’t be able tae shake him aff. Ah know these people. They’re like bloody limpets wance they stick tae that back ae yers, so they ur.”
“Tony, that ma ae mine wid be turning in her grave at the very thought, so she wid. Ah still feel guilty talking tae him, even if he dis hiv a hunchback.”
“Aye, yer ma wid’ve hid something tae say aboot this turn ae events,” Tony agreed, smiling, as he put another completed bandolier oan tap ae the bundle at his feet.
“Exactly, so let’s leave it at that. We’ve goat enough oan oor plate…that is, if ye want oot ae here at the first shout withoot losing aw ae yer remission,” Johnboy reminded him, knowing that wid grab his attention.
“This better be good.”
“It’s better than the shite you came up wae the other day there.”
“Get oan wae it and spare us the amateur dramatics. Ah’ll be the judge ae whit’s good and whit isnae,” Tony grunted, lifting up the makings ae a new bandolier.
Snappy’s antics hid started tae cause concern in the ranks and Tony wis looking fur a solution that didnae take up aw their free time, talking aboot it. The first signs ae bother hid come when Snappy hid said he wanted Stu Mackay tae join The Mankys at the table in the dining hall. They aw liked Stu, bit there wis nae chance ae that happening in a month ae Sundays, especially efter the news reached them that Simon Epstein hid recently goat wan ae his carpet fitter boys tae take a pot-shot at Honest John McCaffrey, when he wis locking up his shoap wan night. The cards wur well and truly stacked up against Stu joining them.
“Why no?” Snappy hid demanded, efter getting a knockback fae Tony, coming up the stairs fae the dining hall.
“Because it’s complicated, that’s why.”
“Ah want everywan tae hiv a say oan this,” Snappy hid griped, as if he wis living in some sort ae democracy.
“Fine,” Tony hid replied. “Let me know whit people say.”
“Aye, and Ah want the discussion oot in the open, as well,” Snappy hid challenged him.
“Fine.”
“And nae touting fur votes behind ma back either,” Snappy hid continued, starting tae get oan Tony’s tits.
“Fine, Snappy, bit Ah’ve goat a condition ae ma ain. When ye lose the vote, Ah don’t want tae hear another word oan it. If Ah dae, Ah swear tae God Ah’m gonnae rip that fucking face aff ae yer new pal. Noo, if ye don’t believe me, jist fucking test me oot oan it,” Tony hid snarled at him.
“See, that’s ye starting awready, trying tae influence the decision, ya dirty basturt, ye,” Snappy hid whined.
“Ah’m fucking telling ye, Snappy…if ye bring this up again efter we discuss it, yer pal is gonnae suffer the consequences, so he is.”
Pat, as anticipated, started the baw rolling by refusing tae get involved in Snappy’s touting fur support. He’d telt Snappy that he wis hivving nothing tae dae wae any debate or taking part in any vote.
“Snappy, let me get this straight. Ye’re saying that ye want Stu, who is a good guy, by the way, bit still wan ae Honest John’s boys, tae be sitting at the table wae us, lugging in tae aw oor business? Is that right?” Pat hid asked him, efter Snappy hid changed his tactics and brought the subject up at the table.
“We won’t be talking business in front ae him,” Snappy hid sniped at Pat, gaun straight in tae defensive mode, right fae the start.
“Too fucking true, because he’s no sitting wae us and that’s that,” Pat hid retorted.
“Nae fucking wonder they’ve goat ye doon as some sort ae sexual deviant sociopath or whitever it is that ye ur, ya selfish basturt, ye.”
“And another thing, as well as working fur Honest John, he’s Blaster Mackay’s nephew,” Pat hid reminded him.
“So? We wurnae involved in anything tae dae wae Blaster Mackay, wur we?” Snappy asked, looking across at Johnboy fur support.
“Snappy, don’t involve me. If ye cannae convince Tony and Pat, then ye’ll no convince me either.”
“Ah knew none ae youse pricks liked Stu.”
“Aw, fuck aff, Snappy, it’s nothing tae dae wae that. And Ah widnae make a big deal oot ae it either,” Johnboy hid warned him.
“Aye or ye’ll be joining yer new pal wae the rest ae the Maryhill crowd he’s sitting wae,” Tony hid threatened, looking across at Stu sitting wae some ae The Maryhill Fleet boys.
“Silent, whit hiv ye tae say aboot it, eh? Whit’s yer take oan it?” Snappy hid demanded.
Silence.
“Look, ye’re trying ma patience, so ye ur. Ye must at least hiv an opinion that’s different fae these three clowns. Speak up, or gie me a blink tae let oan ye know whit the fuck Ah’m asking ye, man!”
Silence.
“Ah don’t care whit youse pricks think. Ah think ye’ve aw goat it in fur Stu, so youse hiv.”
“Aye, that’s right, Snappy, so change the tune or go and sit wae him and gie us aw fucking peace,” Pat hid growled, closing the conversation fur good.
The next problem came up soon efter that when Snappy announced that he’d hid enough ae sitting like a vegetable, day in and day oot, in the sewing machine shoap. Him and Stu wur gonnae wreck the place and hiv a go at Robert the Beast and his pals during the confusion that wid ensue wance it aw kicked aff.
“Naw, ye’re fucking no,” Tony hid telt him roond the snooker table wan night at rec.
“Why?”
“Because Ah bloody well said so…that’s why.”
“That isnae a reason. Tell me whit the fuck’s wrang wae that, eh?”
“Snappy, Ah’ve telt ye before, we hiv tae keep oor noses clean in here, that’s why.”
“Whit? Jist because ye promised that demented prick ae a governor that we’d behave oorsels? That’s no a good enough reason…at least no fae where Ah’m staunin, it isnae.”
“Johnboy, tell him,” Tony hid said, stretching doon tae sink the blue baw intae the corner pocket.
“Youse need tae get oot ae here as soon as possible. There’s a lot happening ootside. Pat needs tae get oot tae take up his partnership in Papa Fraser’s jewellery shoap before the auld basturt croaks it. Simon’s still plotting tae make a come-back against Honest John, despite getting mair dosh than whit he lost, efter we tanned his tills.”
“Honest John wid’ve expect mair come-back. Christ, he wid’ve known fine well that it wis us that tanned his shoap, seeing as Simon wisnae still trying tae get his money back,” Snappy hid argued.
“Look, Ah need tae get oot ae here as soon as, tae finish aff some business, particularly wae that sniggering prick, Wee Pie. Ah’ll gie the wee basturt something tae snigger at by the time Ah’m finished wae him. The longer Ah’m in here, the harder it is fur us tae pick up where we left aff…black,” Tony announced tae aw the faces watching, nodding at the baw, as he peered doon his cue.
“Apart fae Simon fucking aboot, everywan’s taking care ae everything. Look at the whisky and fags? Ben did a great wee job there, so he did.”
“Snappy, the problem wae you is ye hiv a short attention span, so ye dae. Why kin ye no be like the rest ae us and get oan wae things, withoot wanting tae fuck it up fur everywan else, eh?” Tony hid said softly tae him, haunin the cue tae Silent.
“Aye and Ah widnae let oan tae Pat that ye’re wanting tae wreck the place and fuck up his chances ae getting oot tae start up in the jewellery business. Ah kin see that gaun doon a storm,” Johnboy hid warned him, as Tony gr
inned maliciously across at Snappy, who clearly wisnae happy wae the way the conversation wis gaun, seeing as he wis oan the end ae it.
“Well, youse better come up wae something quick, because Ah’m no sitting there like a fucking moron, watching youse lick the arses ae the screws across there in that sweatshoap.”
“Look, wae a wee bit ae a positive attitude, ye could end up getting a good number like Silent. Wan day he wis the bandolier king and the next, he’s the heid barber. Christ, wae a wee bit ae an effort, ye might manage a move up tae the cutting table beside the beastie boys,” Tony hid laughed, accepting the cue aff ae Silent, efter he’d missed a sitter.
“Right, don’t butt in until Ah’m completely finished,” Johnboy warned them, slinging doon a completed bandolier, oan tae the pile beside his machine.
“Finished whit?” Snappy asked, turning roond.
“Ma master plan.”
“Who else hiv ye telt then?”
“Nowan. Ah’m jist aboot tae tell youse.”
“Did youse two know aboot the plan that Scotland’s answer tae The Bird Man ae Alcatraz his come up wae?” Snappy asked them, drawing Silent and Stu’s attention tae the fact that something wis happening, as everywan laughed.
“Snappy, that isnae funny. Dae ye want tae hear it or no?” Johnboy challenged him, getting exasperated at aw the farting aboot that wis gaun oan roond aboot him.
“Oh, shut yer arse and get oan wae it, fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy. Ah hate hivving tae put up wae this shite fae him,” Snappy cursed, scowling across at Tony as if it wis his fault. “And don’t start gaun aw roond the hooses in the block, like ye normally dae. Keep it short…we’ve no goat aw day,” Snappy continued, as Tony, Silent and Stu looked at each other and grinned.
“Ur ye wanting tae hear this or no?”
“Hurry up!” Snappy barked.
“Right, remember, nae butting in until Ah’ve finished. Hiv youse aw goat that?”
“Naw, we bloody well hivnae. Christ, Johnboy, ye cannae expect us tae sit here like fucking dummies, wae oor mooths shut, if ye’re sitting there taking three hours tae spout a heap ae shite, like ye normally dae, withoot getting tae the point. If it’s good, we’ll nod like they dugs ye get oan the back parcel shelf ae some auld codger’s car. If it’s no, Ah’ll sling a few wee ideas ae ma ain in, so Ah will. That goes fur you as well, Silent, by the way,” Snappy said encouragingly, clearly starting tae build up his support base early, should he be allowed tae put forward a plan ae his ain. “Right, oan ye go. We’re aw ears.”
“Right, ye see that clip ae dummy bullets that Stafford uses tae measure the size ae the pouch pockets oan the bandoliers?” Johnboy asked them, nodding across tae the quality control table. “Well, Ah reckon if we managed tae blag that thing, the shite wid hit the fan big time in here, so it wid.”
Everywan turned and looked across at the table, where a wee queue ae YOs waiting fur Stafford tae process their completed bandoliers hid built up.
“Well, whit dae youse think then?” Johnboy asked, grateful tae see smiles appearing oan a few ae the coupons in front ae him.
“Ah’m assuming ye’ve goat an idea ae how we’re gonnae get oor hauns oan it?” Snappy asked, looking fae Stafford tae the escort screws up at The Beastie Boys’ table.
“Ah’ve been watching him fur a few days noo. It’ll be difficult, bit no impossible. Oor timing wid hiv tae be spot-oan though.”
Silence.
“Carry oan, Johnboy,” Tony said encouragingly.
“Right, this is the bit Ah wisnae wanting ye tae butt in oan because Ah’m still trying tae figure oot whit it is Ah’m trying tae say and how it’s gonnae work,” Johnboy warned them, looking at Snappy, who wis sitting there grinning at him.
“Right, well, take yer time. We’re no gaun anywhere soon,” Tony said encouragingly, lifting up a completed bandolier tae hiv a wee look at it wae aw this talk ae quality control.
“Right, it isnae perfect, bit here’s where Ah’m at. Noo, ye’ll need tae picture this in yer heids…”
“Fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy, kin ye bloody well get tae the point, fur Christ’s sake,” Snappy howled, exaggerating his exasperation as per usual, and no being able tae stoap himsel fae winding Johnboy up.
“Right, Ah’ll start again seeing as Ah wis so rudely interrupted by a fucking bampot,” Johnboy spat at Tony, Silent and Stu, before starting efter whit he thought wis a respectful pause. “Right, here goes, so listen up…especially you, Snappy. Dockland Sammy comes through that door up there fae the paint shoap wae his bin trolley, picking up bags ae rubbish, every morning and efternoon, usually jist before the break-times…although, no always,” he reminded them. “Noo, when he comes in, he usually farts aboot, talking tae the boys up oan the back row, until his escort tells him tae get a move oan. Wance he picks up oor shoap’s bags fae beside the paint shoap door oan this side, the escort then follows him alang the tap ae the shoap tae the door leading through tae the joinery shoap tae collect their bags. It means Sammy his tae cut across the front ae the table where the beasts ur, carrying oan straight past the toilets and the tap end ae Stafford’s table, before heiding through the other door tae where Pat’s working,” Johnboy said, looking tae see if they wur aw wae him.
“And?” Tony asked, following Silent, Stu’s and Snappy’s gaze up tae the tap end ae the workshoap.
“So, if we kin time it so that a squad ae us take oor completed bandoliers up tae Stafford’s table at the same time as Sammy is hauf way between the paint shoap and the joiners’ shoap doors, then there’s a good chance we kin blag that ammo clip and pass it oan tae Sammy tae then pass it oan tae Pat tae dispose ae, next door in the joinery shoap,” Johnboy said, looking at them.
Silence.
“Look, Ah’m no expecting applause fae him,” Johnboy said, nodding towards Snappy, “…bit whit dae youse three think?”
“There ur two things tae consider. The first wan is getting oor hauns oan the clip and the second, is getting it tae Sammy withoot us being clocked by Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor up at the back,” Tony said, chewing oan his bottom lip, while scanning the area in question. “Ye’re talking aboot a twenty-odd feet gap between where Stafford usually stauns and where Dockland Sammy walks across the tap ae the shoap in front ae the beasts’ table, so ye ur.”
“And the third problem is, wance that clip is oot ae Stafford’s haun, he’ll soon notice it’s gone. We’re only talking seconds, if that. This place will erupt and the first wan tae be turned o’er will be Dockland Sammy,” Snappy said doubtfully, as Tony and Silent’s grins widened.
“He awready knows how we kin dae it,” Stu interrupted.
“Is that right, Johnboy? Hiv ye worked oot how we’re gonnae dae it?” Snappy asked, bursting oot laughing, as Johnboy gied them a wee knowing smile and nodded.
“Aye, Ah think so. Ah’ve been watching whit’s gaun oan. Ye’re aw allowed tae ask me questions or come up wae ideas ae yer ain, noo that Ah’ve explained the basics, bit here’s ma thinking. Sammy comes in as usual, fucks aboot, as per usual, bit we make sure he piles the rubbish bags up oan tap ae his trolley higher than usual, tae gie as much cover as possible between us and Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor. As he moves across the back ae the shoap, we make sure enough ae us heid up tae Stafford’s table at the same time wae completed bandoliers. Noo, this is the important bit. The only time Stafford seems tae lay doon the clip, is when he’s tugging fuck oot ae a bandolier he isnae happy wae. If ye watch him, ye’ll see whit Ah mean. Ye’ll notice that he puts two fingers fae each haun intae a clip pocket before gieing it a hard tug tae try and stretch it a wee bit before trying tae push in the clip a second time. If it fits, he accepts the bandolier and if it disnae, he hauns it back. It’s when he dis that, that wan ae us will be able tae blag the clip.”
“Bit, as ye said yersel, that move ae his only lasts a matter ae seconds. Who the hell wants tae be staunin there wae the clip up his sleeve wance he notices it’s missing?” Stu asked, t
ae nods fae the others.
“If there’s a squad ae us up there at the same time, wae a pile ae bandoliers sitting oan the table in front ae us, he won’t panic tae start wae and will assume the clip is under wan ae the piles.”
“Aye, bit surely he’ll still find the fucking thing then, won’t he?” Snappy asked, getting a nod ae agreement fae Stu.
“As soon as that clip is placed doon oan the table, wan ae us will grab it and slide it up the table towards Sammy who’ll be waiting tae catch it jist before disappearing through tae the joinery shoap next door.”
“Hmm, Ah’m no sure,” Snappy said, as everywan looked across at Stafford’s table.
“Look how shiny and slippery that surface is? Fuck, Ah kin practically see the reflection ae the roof girders oan it fae here,” Johnboy challenged them.
“It’ll mean wan ae us hivving tae reach across and pick up the clip right in front ae him. He’ll be staunin straight opposite oan the other side ae the table facing us. Whoever picks it up wid hiv tae be pretty quick,” Tony murmured.
“He’ll be too distracted wae everywan dumping their bandoliers doon at the same time,” Johnboy purred persuasively, looking at the faces aroond aboot him.
“Whoever we hiv up at the table will need tae hiv their bandoliers held tightly against themsels when that bullet clip gets skited alang the table tae the far end. It’ll mean everywan lifting up their bundles ae bandoliers like a Mexican wave, tae gie the clip a free run, making sure they drap the bandoliers back doon oan tae the table as it shoots past. If we kin get the timing bang oan, withoot hivving a practice run, then Stafford won’t hiv a clue where the fuck the thing’s gone. Johnboy’s right…he’ll assume that it’ll be sitting under wan ae the pile ae bandoliers, so he will, the daft twat,” Tony agreed, nodding, as the others cackled.
“By the time he discovers that it’s gone walkies, Dockland Sammy will be next door in the joiners’ shoap.
“There will still be a big stooshie wance he cannae find it. They’ll turn this place, and us, upside doon, including the paint shoap and the joiners’ shoap next door,” Snappy reminded them, looking towards the two doors up at the back ae the shoap.
