“Maybe,” she said, the possibilities creeping into her thoughts and raising doubts. “This is so incredible.”
“You can just imagine how incredible it was for me, Ellie. A girl looks forward to her first time. I know you did. It didn’t just happen by accident. You were ready for it, right?”
“Yes, of course. I told you about it, I think.”
“You did, but your experience was ten times better than mine was. Believe me, I don’t want to relive making love with Shayne Allan. You can’t blame me, can you? Can you?” I asked when she didn’t respond. She was still in shock a little. “What, you think I’m wrong to have told you the truth? I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.”
“No, no. You did the right thing. It’s good that you did.”
“Now,” I said in a softer voice, “Brayden is much different. He is a very polite and considerate person. No matter what we do, he’s always concerned about my being satisfied, and I just told you how important that is.”
“You made love to him already? What was it like?”
“You’ve heard people say it was night-and-day different to describe similar experiences, haven’t you? Well, it was night-and-day different.”
“Wow. I guess I can’t let anyone call you Prudence Perfect anymore.”
“Thanks.”
“When can I meet him? Can I meet him today?”
“No. His mother is ill. I’ll let you know. Maybe we’ll double-date or something in the near future.”
“Yes, yes. Who would have ever thought that Shayne Allan was . . .”
“Like a gun that misfires,” I said, and she laughed. “Let’s call him Mr. Misfire.”
“That’s good. Okay. Call me,” she said. I could feel how anxious she was to get off the phone with me and start calling others, probably Charlotte Watts first. “Mr. Misfire” would spread like a wildfire.
“Ditto,” I said, and hung up.
I felt so evil but so happy about it.
Thank you, Brayden, I told myself, and went off to plan our picnic lunch. I decided to cook up some chicken cutlets to make sandwiches and then thought I would surprise him with some fresh brownies, too. I turned on the radio and worked to music, feeling more alive and happy than I had all summer so far. As soon as I was finished preparing everything, I went up to choose what I would wear.
The weather was going to be perfect, hovering around eighty with just some scattered clouds and soft breezes. I decided on a pair of low-rider cargo shorts and a chicken-scratch tank top. A few years ago, my father had had some caps made advertising our jewelry store. Some had images of diamonds on the front, and some had rubies and emeralds. I had one of each, of course, and decided that today was an emerald day. I put on my emerald necklace, too. It was my birthstone. If Brayden asked me about it, I would tell him that my birthday was coming up, July 21. I hoped we would be doing something special together.
As I put on my lipstick, I studied my face. Did girls change when they become lovers? I wondered. Was there something, some look in their eyes, that revealed mature experience? Would my mother realize it? What would I say to her if she asked me? What would my father think? Would he say anything? Would I be a great disappointment to him? Would it change everything between us?
Someday, but not right now, I thought, my mother and I would surely talk about this.
Just before noon, I packed everything, including a light blanket that I was able to fold in a large, nondescript grocery bag, and headed for the lake. Before I stepped out, I called Brayden on his cell phone. I was afraid he would think it was his father or the clinic calling, but I wanted him to know I was coming. It rang and rang and didn’t go to any voice mail. How odd, I thought, but then figured it was perfectly like him to leave the cabin without taking the phone. Whatever the reason for it, it didn’t matter. I knew where to find him.
The moment I stepped out of the house, however, I froze. There was a car backing out of Brayden’s driveway. It looked like his parents’ car, the one I had seen that first day when they moved into the house. When it paused on the street, I had a closer look at the driver. It was definitely his father, the man I had seen, I thought. I called out to him and started down the steps, but he obviously didn’t hear me. He accelerated and drove off. I stood there looking after him. Why was his father back? Was Brayden with him? Why wouldn’t he call me to tell me? He had said he would. Was he in the house, then? I looked at it, then looked after his father’s car, watching it turn off the street. I walked across the lawn and up to the front door.
I knocked and called and waited. There was only silence. I knocked again, and this time, when I turned the doorknob, I found that it was locked. Could his father have called him, and Brayden told him he would meet him somewhere, anywhere but the house? That was possible. He had seemed so put off by it when I had started for home and we had reached the street. But why wouldn’t he answer when I called? Surely he would want to tell me what was happening. Confused, I stood there for a few moments, unsure of whether I should bother to go to the lake or just go home and call him again and again until he picked up.
I decided to go to the lake. It wasn’t that long a walk. Concerned now, I walked faster than I usually did. At one point, when I turned off the road, I was practically running. I remembered his admonition not to be noticed, and I did avoid contact with anyone. The only one outside his or her house was Mrs. Carden, and she seemed oblivious to anything but weeding her small garden. In less than ten minutes, I was entering the woods and heading for the lakeside, where I would turn if I didn’t see him and go on to the cabin.
I was practically running through the field and through the portion of woods before I reached the lakeshore. When I nearly stumbled, I slowed down. As I approached the water, I saw him sitting on a fallen log and gazing out at the lake. He appeared to be in such a trance that he didn’t hear me.
“Hi,” I called, and he turned and smiled.
“Hey.”
“I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up,” I said, coming up to him.
“Oh, I left the phone back in the cabin.”
“You know your father came home, right?” I asked.
“You saw him?”
“Yes.”
“Did you speak to him?”
“No, I didn’t get a chance. He was backing out of the driveway. I called to him, but he didn’t hear me, I guess, and drove off.”
“Good,” he said.
“Good? Why good? What’s going on?”
“He came home to get more of her things. I’m sure he was in a bad mood. He saw how nothing much had been done in the house, and I wouldn’t doubt that he saw the picture she was painting. He’s not very pleasant when he’s in a bad mood.”
“Didn’t he want to see you?”
“Yes, I’m sure he did,” he said. “Let’s try not to think about it, Amber. Let’s just enjoy the time we have together.”
“You make it sound as if it’s not going to last.”
“Remember Robert Frost. ‘Nothing gold can stay.’” He smiled. “But why dwell on the sad things when we have these happy moments, right?”
I nodded. But deep down inside me, I heard the alarm bells ringing.
He kissed me, and I shut myself away from the discordant sound, something I would come to regret.
15
Spontaneity
I thought there were so many things very special about Brayden, but perhaps nothing as special as the way he could turn both of us away from the darkness and into the light. It was as if he had the power to draw the curtain closed on anything unpleasant whenever he wished to and then open the curtain on happiness.
“I want to show you something special,” he said, taking my hand. “It’s farther in the woods, past the cabin and just before the next property.”
Intrigued, I walked with him, leaving our picnic lunch at the cabin. When we saw a doe and a fawn, I thought that was it. I had never come upon two of them so closely like this.
It was remarkable how unafraid and unthreatened they both appeared to be. The doe looked up at us with almost as much curiosity as we had about them. The fawn came around its mother and glanced at us, too, and then the two of them started away casually.
“Was that it? Because it was certainly something special.”
“Everything around here is special,” he said. “That was just as much a surprise for me, however.”
We walked on until I could hear water. He veered to the right and around some trees. Not far off, I could see the Russells’ lake house. Mr. Russell was an important attorney who was being considered for state attorney general. He had twin girls, both now in the sixth grade. Their lake house was a modern A-frame about half the size of the Allans’ home, but they had more decking. It ran around the sides of the house and also faced the lake. I saw the twins standing on the deck. They were light brunettes and tall for their age. I had babysat for them often when they were younger. I thought they were looking our way, but I didn’t think they could see us through the trees.
“Here,” Brayden said, kneeling.
It was a spring, the water sparklingly clear. It ran off toward the lake.
“Where’s it come from?”
“The mountains, flowing underground for a good distance before emerging here. This water is delicious, far better than any town water. I poured out all that water I had and filled the bottles with this. Taste it,” he said.
He cupped his hands to show me how. I knelt down beside him and let my palms fill. The water was cold but not icy. I sipped some and smiled.
“Yes, it’s good.”
“It’s a very special spring. Let’s bottle gallons of it and sell it as Amber Light.”
I laughed. “That sounds like a beer.”
“Yes, it does. It’s just a fantasy, anyway.” He sat. “But why not pretend this is truly a special spring? Drink from it and you’ll always be young and happy.”
“Ponce de León? His fountain of youth?”
“No, this is our fountain of youth, not his. If you’re ever truly unhappy, make your way over here and drink from our fountain, and you’ll wash away any sadness.”
He sounded so convincing. I smiled and scooped up some more.
“Isn’t it working?” he asked.
“Yes, but I wasn’t unhappy.”
“So? You’ll be happier,” he countered. He leaned over to kiss me. “See?”
I smiled. “Getting very self-confident, are you?” I teased.
“Because of the spring,” he said, and then he took my hand and we stood. “I found another secluded place on the lake. It’s not far from here. The land juts out far more on the left, so anyone in a boat would probably not be able to see us when we’re in the water.”
“In the water?”
“We’ll go for a swim before lunch.”
“But I didn’t bring my bathing suit,” I said.
“Neither did I,” he said. “Either we’re in nature or not, right? C’mon. I’ll show you the place.”
I followed him through the woods. We turned left and then down a small slope to the place he had discovered. He was right. It looked even more secluded than the small lagoon. We could hear boats on the lake, but they were far off, and I recalled Shayne being concerned about us getting too close to this area because of some stumps in the water. I imagined that most of the people who lived and boated on the lake probably knew about that.
Just before the water, there was a small clearing. The ground was soft, with very tiny stones. It was like a private little beach.
“I would have brought the blanket I left back in the cabin and packed some towels if you had warned me about this,” I said.
“Spontaneity. That’s the secret to really having a good time. Planned things are . . . too planned. You need surprise.”
“You might need surprise. I like to have some warning. Most girls do.”
“Naw,” he insisted. He began to undress. I looked around. Naturally, I was worried that someone could still come upon us. He paused, waiting to see what I would do. “We’re pretty safe here,” he said.
“I’m not so sure what you mean by safe,” I said, grinning. He laughed, and I started to undress, surprised at myself for not hesitating.
He was in first, diving without hesitation.
“It’s probably colder here than out in the center of the lake where I swam,” I called out to him. “There’s more shade. Right?”
“Not to me. It’s like a warm bath.”
“Yeah, right. A warm bath,” I muttered to myself. “I must be crazy.”
He turned to look out at the lake, and I slipped off my panties and stepped cautiously into the water. When I was only ankle-deep, he turned to splash me. I shrieked and then, half out of modesty and half to get it over with, dove in.
“Warm bath?” I cried after popping up. “You must have polar bear blood.”
“Give it a few minutes. You’ll get used to it and love it.” He swam over to me.
It was colder than how it felt out in the middle of the lake, but it wasn’t really bad. In fact, it felt more invigorating. I was able to stand, but the water was up to my neck. It was crystal-clear and easy to see to the bottom. Looking around us, I spotted some lake trout swimming amazingly close.
“Look,” I said, and pointed to them when they came even closer.
“If you don’t move, they’ll swim right between your legs,” Brayden said.
“No thank you.”
“Then I will,” he declared, and went under before I could say no. He lifted me up, and I screamed before I hit the water again. For a while, we were like two much younger children, teasing and taunting each other. When I was out of breath, he embraced me, and we stood quietly enjoying the moment.
On the portion of land that jutted out farther, I saw a raccoon. It paused to look out at us.
“We’re being watched,” I said.
“What?”
I nodded at it, and he turned to look.
“Oh.”
“They have such humanlike faces, don’t they?”
“Prettier than some human faces,” he said, “especially the faces of the envious ones.”
Above us, a flock of geese in their perfect V formation honked. It sounded more like a hink and a honk, but they were beautiful to watch.
“I guess I’m indoors too much. I never seem to notice all this.”
“Pushing farther south,” Brayden said, seeing what had caught my attention. “Seeing something beautiful like that must have reinforced Thoreau’s beliefs.”
“Were you always so into nature, Brayden?”
“No,” he said. “Actually, I came to it quite recently.”
“Why was that?”
“It became the only way for me to be in this world,” he said.
I smiled. “You’re an enigma wrapped in a puzzle,” I told him. He nodded and fell back into the water.
“Don’t be in a rush to find out what it all means. The fun is in the pursuit.”
“Sounds like something someone who had something to hide would say.”
“You talk too much,” he told me, and came at me again. We kissed, and then he fell back into the water again, and the two of us began to swim. We didn’t go far, but we were both above our heads. For a few moments, we treaded water and looked out at the activity across the lake. People were waterskiing, and there were also some small sailboats here and there, looking as if they were painted on the water. One of the motorboats crossing the lake seemed to be heading directly for us. We watched for a few moments. It wasn’t turning.
“We’d better pull back,” I said. He nodded, and we swam toward shore. The sound of the boat’s motor grew louder. “Shayne told me not to get too close around here because there were stumps. Do you think this person doesn’t know?”
“Maybe,” Brayden said. We moved closer to the small part of the shore that jutted out to be sure we would be hidden from view. I watched the lake nervously. The boa
t appeared and then veered sharply to its left, turning away. I was holding my breath. It was Shayne’s boat. He had another girl with him, and they were both laughing. I didn’t recognize her and assumed that it was someone he had met at another school nearby.
“That’s Shayne Allan. As you can see, he’s heartbroken over our short romance,” I said.
“Looks like he runs regular tours.”
We waited until the boat was far enough away, and then we got out of the water.
“Here,” he said, handing me his shirt. “Use this as a towel.”
“But what will you wear?”
“Don’t worry about it. I don’t care if it’s wet. It was used to dry your skin, so it’s now very special to me. Here,” he said, when I didn’t take the shirt. “I’ll do it.”
He started to wipe my back and then worked over my shoulders.
“You’re really very, very beautiful, Amber,” he whispered, and kissed my neck. I laid my head back against his shoulder. We stood there for a moment, the slight chill over my body slowly evaporating with his body against mine. His hands moved down my sides and then up and over my breasts. I closed my eyes. My legs trembled.
“Let’s get back to the cabin and get the food you brought,” he whispered. “I’m sure you’re hungry.”
“I am. I didn’t eat that much breakfast.”
We both dressed quickly, silently. Neither of us spoke. I was still trembling, but not from the cool lake. He took my hand, and we walked back to the cabin, still not speaking. As we went through the woods, I saw rabbits and what I was sure was a small fox. It was as if all of the animals were following along with us. Even birds seemed to be flitting from tree to tree to keep up. The foliage was very heavy. In some places, the trees that had grown close to each other crossed branches, their leaves creating a green ceiling over the shaded, cooler places. We paused at one of those places, and he turned to me.
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