What an accolade! And after the shenanigans of the past few weeks, I was actually looking forward to returning to the lion’s den – at least it was familiar, and at least it was the devil I knew rather than the devil I was tracking down only to be rejected by it once more. It didn’t have to be for ever, but part of me felt so bruised by what had happened in Liverpool that I was convinced all was going to be fine. What I was going to do post-Canada I had no idea.
Iggy had understood. Of course he had. He was such a delight, old Iggy. I really hoped that I would keep in touch with him. He had offered his friendship to me gladly and openly, and wanted nothing in return apart from to help me. He was a proper little knight in shining armour and I really hoped I wouldn’t let him slip off the radar, as I had done with so many friends over the years.
Jax was still in Hell Hole and had rapidly gained the reputation of being the worst contestant ever. The tabloids were full of her latest crazy antics every day, especially as she was going round upsetting her so-called friends in there by claiming to be able to speak to their dead relatives, then passing on information that would anger or upset them – ‘Your mother killed herself coz she hated you, babes. Don’t hate me, I’m just passing it on!’ et cetera.
Rose and Alan had been amazingly supportive about my change of plans and had – wonder of wonders – even refunded me all the money I’d paid up front in rent. I had no idea why they were being so kind, but I took it as a feather in my cap that I must have come across to them as a decent human being for them to treat me so generously. After all, they’d not asked for six months’ rent up front; I had offered it to make sure I got the flat.
The biscuit tin and Darren’s life sat in my rucksack. I’d not been able to face reading the rest of it yet, but I knew I would one day. Maybe he wrote about me going into care; maybe he didn’t. Maybe it finished a few days after the last entry I read. But all the same I had developed feelings for my brother and it would be too upsetting now to explore his optimism all those years ago.
Rose had driven me to the station to get my train, and as she helped me to the platform with Michael and my ridiculously large kit, she had handed me a teal-green envelope and told me to ‘read it later’. In the struggle to get myself onto the train and subsequently find a seat where someone wasn’t moaning about the presence of a chihuahua, I had completely forgotten about it.
I located it in the side flap of my rucksack and pulled it out. Michael snored faintly on the seat next to me. She had printed my name on the front from her computer, very formal, and as I ripped open the envelope, I ripped a bit of the card too.
The front showed a peaceful scene, a country cottage in watercolours, roses round the door. So far so predictable. I opened it and read the message inside:
Dear Holly,
It was so lovely to welcome you to Liverpool. I’m sorry your stay was brief and that you never got the answers you come looking for. Like I said before your a great girl and you’ve done really well for yourself. If you ever find yourself this way again do let us know and don’t go wasting your money on a hotel, come and stay with us. I enjoyed our time together and am actchally going to miss you. You probly think I’m mad lol!!
Take care Holly
All best and love
Rose xx
For a moment the world stopped turning. My heart pounded in my chest. My temples throbbed. I could barely breathe. I had not seen her handwriting before. Without the cloak of a computer’s spell-check I saw in an instant that she had been lying to me. As a million crazy notions rattled in my brain before slotting with a jolt into place, I knew in that instant that Darren was not dead.
DARREN
All the way to Rigby’s pub I’ve been panickin. Smantha’s not been chattin and is like she’s got the wait of the world on her shoulders.
Outside the pub there’s a pigeon on the ground. He’s only got the claws on one leg. The other ones a stump and he’s slowly goin round in circles.
Someone should put him out of his misery. Goes Smantha. An I think that’s a bit harsh.
But then I think of ____. And I think the pigeon’s better off than ____. And I have a little panick on.
Ah don’t say that. I goes. Like that’s gonna make the last twenny four hours go away. Like that’s gonna bring ____ back to life. Not that I really want him coming back to life but just so it means that I’ve not done what I did.
Its ten o clock in the morning and Smantha orders coffee. She looks at me funny coz I order whiskey. Don’t even particularly like whiskey but I hear it’s good for shock.
And she’s got another of those.
Am pregnant. She goes.
And we just sit there for a bit. All I can hear is noise. The punch of a fruit machine win. Rorcuss laughing from a woman at the bar who’s always in here. She’s dead fat and she’s got a red face but she’s proud of her ankles. She’s always like that. Always sayin – My ankles are dainty. Don’t you think my ankles are dainty? But truth be told she always smells a bit pissy. Music on the juke box going all jumpy and I realize it’s that knobhead off the telly I hate who bounces round in his denim jacket goin on about the green door. Shakey they call him. He’s been number one for weeks. You can’t move for him right now. And then I think I don’t really hate him. He never done nothing bad to me like some people. All he did was make shite music.
Well say something then. Goes Smantha.
So I say something and she’s not best pleased coz what I say is why are you telling me, are you sure its mine. And she’s like. Of course its yours. And I’m like. Well I didn’t know. And she’s like. I’m not a slag Darren. And I’m like. No I know I’m just saying. And she’s like. Well your not saying much are you.
But we’ve only done it once. I eventchally say.
And she says. Well you only need to do it once apparently.
I’m like. It’s a lot to take in.
And she’s like. I know.
Even though what I meant was it’s a lot to take in when you’ve had the twenny four hours I’ve had. And even though she’s not had that she still thinks it’s a big one to get your head around.
As the whiskey warms me I start to relax for the first time. Been a bit jittery with not sleeping. Now I stop. And I don’t think about the baby growing inside her. I think instead about the fact that that bastard won’t be touching me anymore. And I mustve smiled coz Smantha goes. You happy about it?
So I stop smiling and go. I dunno. Are you?
And she shrugs.
What you gonna do Smantha?
And she shrugs. I dunno. I don’t like the idea of killing a child.
It’s not a child though is it. I go. It’s a cluster of cells.
Cluster. She goes. Get you.
This couldna come at a worse time. She says. And I wonder if she means it or if its just something she’s heard people say on the telly. Like in play for today or something where people sit in pubs like this all the time going. I’m having a baby and I don’t know what to do. But she carries on. I’ve got plans. I wanna do me A levels. I wanna go travelling. I wanna make something of my life. I don’t wanna be stuck round here forever Darren. If I have a baby it’ll keep me here.
What’s wrong with round here? I goes.
People fighting. I’d hate to live where you live at the moment.
But it’s only coz they’ve had enough of being treated like shit. I goes. I thought you were all four standing up and being counted. Like the March for Jobs. I goes.
I just don’t know. She goes.
So. The million dollar question, I’m thinkin. What you gonna do about it?
And she circles the coffee cup in her hand. Starin at it.
A dunno. I need time to think.
Well you haven’t got forever. And I don’t even know why I said it.
A do know that Darren.
If you had it. What would you want me to do?
What would you want to do?
Well would you want me to
like . . . marry you?
And she shrieks. Laughin.
It’s not that funny.
It is.
And am a bit hurt if you must know.
Well would you want me to have a part in its life and that?
I just don’t know Darren. But I’m not getting married. And then she sighs. And she’s like. This is such a mess.
I could bring it up. I go. You could go to school. Then travelling. Then uni. Then work. And I could stay at home with the baby. I don’t mind.
Darren. You never go out. You’d sit in with it yeah but the baby’d be a recloose. Just like you.
She’s making me sound a bit weird. Ah well. Spose I am.
I need time to think about it.
Rob comes back from his Dad’s. He’s worried Ma’s gonna ask to many questions about where he’s been. He tells me he’s got his lies all worked out but I tell him he needn’t bother. He doesn’t know what’s gone on here today and last night so little does he know Ma’s made up he wasn’t here so she’s not arsed where he’s been. Sleepover Lil she keeps calling him.
Rob doesn’t even ask where the carpet’s gone.
Ma talks to him. But she don’t talk to me. At first am a bit para about it.
But then I think. Story o my bleeding life.
That night Ma cooks a roast.
Spuds are nice Ma. Our Robbie goes.
Darren peeled them. She goes.
Every single one of them makes me want to choke. But I have to eat them so Rob don’t know.
I wonder if I should be thinking about getting a job. If Smantha’s gonna have a baby I’ll have to provide for it.
But then I think. Babies have the traits of the parents. That baby would have half my chromozones. That baby would be half me. I wouldn’t wish me on my worst enemy. So why would I wish it on a poor innocent baby? I think of me stood in front of the mirror last night. The norts an crosses on my legs. I know that’s not good. I know I’m not normal. I see Lucy laughin at me and think. I can’t have half of that in a kid.
But it’s not really down to me. It’s down to Smantha.
Ma sees am miles away.
What you thinkin about Darren? She goes.
Nothing. I goes.
Well you wanna snap out of that. She goes.
So I do. And I spose it’s the first time I realize that Ma being hard is a good thing. Nothing wrong with being strong.
What jew do with him? I goes later when Robbie’s in bed.
Ma looks up from doin her nails and goes. You don’t need to know.
What? I goes.
She ignores me.
Five minutes later she’s like. I’m going earning.
You haven’t got protection any more. I goes.
An whose faults that ay? And she is gone.
It’s three days since I hit ____. I should really be feeling bad by now and hating myself and feeling guilty but the weird thing is I don’t. Alls I feel is thank god he won’t be nocking at the door or ringin the bell and I don’t have to panic when I hear footsteps on the stairs. I’ve not been in the cubbard under the sink in the bathroom. No more norts an crosses. Well no more n what I already have. Ma buys a fan for the flat now. Big old movie star thing that clicks when it spins but it keeps the flat cooler. Everything’s nicer now. Only thing to worry bout now is Smantha.
I just no she’s gonna come round an say she’s keeping it.
What would you do if you needed to get some money Richie? I ask him while we sit on the step at the front of the house in the sun.
Everything’s quietened down now since the trouble the other night. Their calling it the Toxteth riots now. Been on the news and everything. Keep especting to see ____ on the news and his Mrs wondering why he aint come home but no.
Richie shrugs. Nick something?
Wouldn’t you go n get a job laa?
Aint no jobs man.
Keep thinkin he’s gonna ask about that night. When ____ let him go. But he doesn’t. Guess he’s got bigger fish to fry.
So I ask around. I ask Umed in the shop. Any jobs goin? He laugh in my face. But he didn’t do it in a horrible way.
Maybe I should do what my teacher said that time and go back to school. But if I go back to school or go to college first off I am not the best speller. And second off even if I got loads of qualitications they would take me ages and qualitications aren’t what the baby needs. The baby needs cold hard cash.
You could sell yer arse down Limey. Goes Richie. But I don’t laugh.
He don’t even know what I want money for. I haven’t told no one.
But what I do know is that any day now am gonna get a knock at the door and Smantha will be stood there looking all fat and going. Am keeping it Darren. And I’ll be like ok. And I’ll have to go out and support my new family.
I can’t sell my arse down Limey. Well I could. Isn’t nothing I’ve not done before with ____. But I don’t want to. I did it with ____ and I don’t want to do it ever again. Plus I don’t want to bring a child into the world the way my Ma brought a child into the world. I don’t want to bring a child up on the proseeds of earning. And I won’t.
If I have to I’ll go out and rob a bank.
I’ve got to hatch a plan though. I’ve got to hatch a plan to provide for the baby.
Lucy’s not been around for ages now.
Think I know why.
____ was on the news. Only local. And in the paper. His Mrs been interviewed goin on about how he has disappeared. He told her he was leaving her then he went out to work and never came back. Had all sorts of money worries and the house about to be reposesed. Gambling detts. Branding him a coward coz he has left her and hasn’t told anyone where he was off to.
Rob is watchin the telly with us when it comes on.
Coward. Ma goes. Fancy running off on her.
I know. I goes.
Rob says nothing. Of course.
I haven’t got to hatch a plan no more.
Well I have. But I’ve got to hatch a different plan.
Smantha finally comes round and I brings her up to the flat coz Ma is out and Rob is at school so we can talk. I make her a cup of tea and I can see my hand is shaking so I must be nervous. I think she’ll wait til I’ve at least stirred the sugar but she says it while my back’s turned.
I’m getting rid of it.
Shit.
I’m having an abortion.
I looks at her. You sure?
She nods.
Why jew decide that then?
What I said last time.
What jew say last time?
You know what I said last time.
Remind me.
Not sure why I’m being this arsey.
It’s a woman’s right to choose. She goes. Like she’s the first ever person to say this.
And what about my rights? It’s my baby too. I say. Like an arlarse.
I don’t even know why I’m saying it, truth be told. I haven’t exactly been into the idea. But then I’ve been thinking. And hatching plans. So maybe I am into the idea. And I just hadn’t aloud myself to say it or think it to myself.
Am sorry Darren. You don’t come into it. You wouldn’t have to carry it for nine months.
I nod. I know she’s right. I finish the tea for her in silence. I realize am tryina stop myself from crying.
This is pathetic.
Having a baby is daft. It’s stupid. Why am I so upset that she wants rid of it?
I hand her her tea and we sit in the living room on the big couch.
She can tell how I’m feeling.
Darren. I don’t wanna get rid really but it’s the worst decision I could make.
Keeping it?
She nods.
I wanna go to college. I wanna go travelin. I wanna do stuff, you know?
I know.
Us two having a baby, it’s . . . it’s stupid.
I know.
I haven’t come to this decision lightly.
Am sure.
Darren I ate the idea of an abortion. I ate the idea of killing it stone dead. But we can’t bring up a baby. We just can’t. And if we try an make out we can then we’re just kidding ourselves. I wanna go to college. I wanna go travelin. I wanna do stuff with my life and a baby’ll hold me back.
I could look after it.
How?
I could.
Darren you never go out. You sit in this flat watchin telly and rowing wit yer ma and cooking for your Robbie and every blue moon you go the pub with Richie. You never go school. You never go nowhere. What you gonna do? Keep it cooped up in here twenny four seven? I don’t think so. And I don’t think you want that. You haven’t got a job. You haven’t got any money.
All right all right I get the picture. I goes. Jeez. You chose a right bute when you chose me ay?
And we both laugh.
Sorry. I didn’t meant to be harsh.
I nod. She’s right.
Asides. She goes. My mam and dad would go spare if they found out I was pregnant. You don’t know the pressure am under.
I shake my head. I don’t.
You don’t know how lucky you are.
I nod. I don’t.
But actchally I wanna say, you don’t know how lucky you are Smantha. Id give anything for a mam and a dad who put pressure on me to do well or even do anything. My Gran was like that but she’s not here any more.
Ok. So she’s gonna get rid of it.
Oh well. Least I won’t have to get a job.
Shame. Was quiet lookin forward to that.
Only thing is now. She goes. I don’t know where to go.
Go your doctor. I goes.
He’ll tell my mam. She goes.
Go to a hospital in town then.
Which one?
The Girl Who Just Appeared Page 22
