by Anna Bell
Ben leads me back down to the lifts and we descend the tower in silence. I look at him as he stares down at the floor and I wonder if he felt the same way I did in that moment where I wanted to kiss him. Or was he thinking about his girlfriend?
‘You all right?’ he asks as he catches me looking at him.
I blush and cough. ‘Yes, fine. Just thinking back over today,’ I say, lying.
‘It’s been a great day,’ he says, smiling. ‘I can’t believe how much we packed in.’
‘I know. I’m going to be exhausted at work tomorrow.’
‘Yeah. At least I’ve got an easy day in the shop. My dad’s coming down so I can always hide out the back pretending to do inventory while taking a sneaky sleep.’
‘Lucky you.’
‘I thought you’d taken the morning off?’
‘I’d planned to, but after the debacle with that hotel client last week I cancelled it. I’m trying to prove to Rick that I’m all conscientious by working long hours. It’s not even like I could work from home.’
I’m still not brave enough to do that after my letter from HR.
We get out of the lift and try to orientate ourselves before walking in the direction of the metro.
‘Well, you can have a sleep on the journey home. That’ll give you about four hours to drool on my shoulder.’
‘Oi,’ I say, giving him a shove.
He shoves me back and I feel like we’re drunk teenagers.
He grabs my arms and holds them above my head so I can’t hit him any more.
‘That’s not fair,’ I say, wriggling and laughing.
He looks at me, smiling back. ‘I don’t like to play by the rules.’
He holds my gaze and I suddenly feel like he’s going to kiss me. He actually leans down towards me.
I turn my head and Ben drops my arms.
‘Shouldn’t we be getting back to the station, our train will be going soon,’ I say, ignoring what was just about to happen.
It seems it’s not only me that’s getting carried away in the city of love.
‘Yes, you’re probably right,’ he says, clearing his throat. ‘We don’t want to miss it or else we’ll never make the train back down to Pompey.’
I wish we could click our fingers and get home. It’s such a long way. By the time we get back on the train to St Pancras and then a couple of tube changes to Waterloo, we still have another hour and a half on the train down to Portsmouth. It all seemed so easy when we were booking it, but I’m absolutely exhausted from our sightseeing extravaganza.
‘So, that’s another thing ticked off the list, then,’ says Ben.
‘I know,’ I say, realising it’s my last challenge with him and therefore the last legitimate reason – according to Tammy – to see him.
‘Have you given any more thought to your own list?’
‘A little,’ I say. In truth, I’ve done a lot of thinking. Since the other day when we were talking in the pub, I’ve started to think about what I really want. And not just what would be on mine and Joseph’s joint bucket list, but what would make me happy.
‘You have? What’s on it?’
I feel a bit silly saying my list out loud. It was one thing passing Joseph’s off as my own, but that was already honed and crafted.
‘Come on, I’m not going to laugh.’
‘Promise?’
‘Promise,’ says Ben as we head down into the metro station and work out which direction we’re going in.
‘OK. I want to learn to bake. I don’t mean get to Great British Bake Off standard, but I would like to be able to make a pastry without having to buy it ready-made, and I’d love to make a scone that wasn’t rock hard.’
‘And what else?’
‘I enjoyed being outdoors when I went windsurfing, but thought it was a bit physical, so I’d sort of maybe like to learn to sail.’
I’m wrinkling my face up as I keep expecting Ben to heckle, as by his adrenaline-junkie standards that is pretty tame.
‘You couldn’t live in a more perfect city to learn. I think they do lessons at the outdoor centre.’
‘They do,’ I say, nodding.
Our train comes in and we jump on board.
‘What else?’
‘That’s as far as I’ve got so far.’
It’s pathetic, I know that it’s so short, but it’s not that I don’t want to do more, it’s that I’m not sure what I want to do. I know that I want to do more travelling, but I don’t know where. I need to do some proper research.
‘Well, you’ve not got long before Joseph’s list is over and you’ll be starting your own.’
‘No,’ I say, thinking about what that means in terms of both my fate with Joseph and my friendship with Ben.
I don’t want to think of that now. I don’t want to ruin what’s been a perfect day.
‘What a wonderful day,’ I say, more to myself than Ben.
‘It really was,’ says Ben. He gives me a look similar to the one he gave me at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower.
I look out the window into the dark train tunnel as if watching the passing scenery. I can’t bring myself to look in his eyes.
The sooner we get to the Eurostar and get back home, the sooner this city and all its bloody romance will stop clouding my mind with thoughts of Ben, and I can focus on the man I really want – Joseph.
Chapter Twenty-Three
A week tomorrow until the abseil. No more challenges left, no excuse thought of, no Joseph coming back to me – looks like I’ve got no choice but to go through with it . . .
‘I can’t believe you have a boyfriend,’ I say to Sian as I put on my lipstick.
I look at her in the mirror, sitting on my bed. She looks different. She looks . . . happy. There’s a warmth in her eyes that I haven’t seen before, and there’s definitely more smiling than scowling.
‘I don’t have a boyfriend. We haven’t had that talk yet.’
‘Yet. So you’re going to have it,’ I say, turning to her. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling. I didn’t think it was possible to be so happy about someone else’s love life. I’ve been waiting so long for it.
Since our impromptu pub crawl last weekend, Sian has been on three dates with Pete. For once she’s kept her knickers on. Apparently they’re getting to know each other before they do the deed.
It’s only a matter of time before they’re officially an item.
I just can’t believe how quickly it’s all happened. She’s gone from the queen of one-night stands, to a veritable ice maiden, to picking my brains about where’s best for romantic picnics.
‘Right, are you ready?’ asks Sian as she stands up from the bed and grabs her bag.
I recognise that look in her eyes. It’s the one that I used to get when I was on my way to Joseph’s. That absolutely-can’t-wait-to-see-them look.
‘Yes,’ I say, putting on my jacket and flicking my hair out of the collar. I’m going to have to get it cut again soon. I’ve grown quite attached to my bob, but my hair’s grown so much that it’s almost reaching my shoulders.
‘Great.’
It’s Friday night and we’re meeting Pete, Ben and the rest of the Snowdon crew at a nearby pub. On the walk over Sian treats me to a blow-by-blow account of her date. Luckily with no bedroom antics to hear about I can for once relax and listen to her story without cringing my way through.
Much to Sian’s disappointment we’re the first to arrive at the King Street Tavern. We secure a round table with a good view of the door, despite the fact that the pub is fairly small and it would be hard not to spot to us wherever we sat.
Sian heads off to the bar to get us a drink and I busy myself with my phone. Ben emailed me the photos of Paris this afternoon and I posted them straight to Facebook. I can’t resist having another look at them. They’re mainly of me, but there are a couple of our joint selfies.
I look at my notifications, and see that people have liked my photos. I check out
the list of who and I’m taken aback. It takes me a minute for the words ‘Joseph Small has commented on your photo’ to sink in.
My hands start to shake as I click on the little icon. Damn my sweaty fingers – the touchscreen won’t register my swiping. I wipe my fingers on my jeans and give it another go, and this time it takes me through to the page.
He’s commented on the photo that Ben took of me from the side looking out over the Seine. I’m gazing wistfully over at the Parisian buildings on the opposite bank. It’s the perfect shot and I had no idea he was taking it. I read Joseph’s comment and stare at it in disbelief.
Joseph Small
I always wanted to go to Paris with you.
I can’t believe he wrote that. I read it again just to make sure that my eyes aren’t playing tricks on me. My mind immediately goes into overdrive. I try and interpret it in every way possible. Does it mean that he still wants to go to Paris with me, or that he did when we were dating?
My heart’s racing as I consider that my plan might be working.
I mean, he’s seen my photos, and he’s interacting with me. He’s not just liked a photo, but he’s taken the time to comment. And not only that, that comment had a semi-romantic undertone.
Sian deposits a glass of wine on the table in front of me and I practically throw the phone back into my bag.
‘What are you up to?’ she asks as she sits down on the bench.
‘Oh, just checking Facebook,’ I say casually. My voice is ever so slightly squeakier than usual, and my cheeks must be flushed because they feel like they’re burning. Surely she’s going to twig that something’s up.
She wouldn’t understand my excitement about the comment. With her not knowing about my real motivation for completing the list she wouldn’t get what it could mean. In her eyes I’m getting over Joseph. She made her feelings quite clear about him when we broke up, list or no list. I doubt she’d be pleased about him making contact now.
‘That’s what I should do,’ she says pulling out her phone. ‘I’ll check in on Facebook – then Pete will know we’re already here.’
She taps away at the screen before putting it down on the table.
‘You really are smitten,’ I say, laughing.
She tries to shrug it away, but she knows as much as I do that it’s true.
Luckily for Sian her patience isn’t tested for too much longer as the door to the pub opens and in walk Pete and Ben. They’re closely followed by Laura, Giles and Doug and our group is complete.
As everyone says their hellos and sorts themselves out with drinks, I realise how pleased I am to be reunited with the Snowdon crew. I just hope this time there won’t be a crazy Tammy interruption.
‘So you liked the photos then?’ says Ben as he sits down next to me and sips his pint.
‘They’re lovely. You’ve got a real eye for it.’
‘It’s one of my little hobbies, but it helps when the subject matter is pretty.’
‘Yeah,’ I say nodding. ‘I guess Paris is the ultimate photographer’s dream.’
Ben opens his mouth to say something, but he stops short.
‘What?’ I ask.
He smiles, before taking another sip of his drink. ‘Nothing.’
‘You’d never guess what just happened,’ I say, turning my head to check that Sian isn’t listening. She’s practically sat on Pete’s lap and something tells me that she’s not aware that anyone else is even in the room.
‘What?’
‘Joseph commented on one of the photos,’ I whisper, leaning close to Ben. ‘You know the photo you took of me looking out across the Seine.’
He nods his head.
‘What did he say?’ he asks, without looking at me, his eyes firmly glued to the table.
‘He said, “I always wanted to go to Paris with you”. ’
The words are already etched into my memory.
He nods again, but doesn’t say anything.
‘Well, what do you think? Is it a good sign?’
‘It sounds like he’s still into you.’
My heart begins to beat a little faster. Having a man interpret it that way too makes it all the more special.
I know that I’ve been doing my list to get Joseph back but there was always part of me deep down that thought I would never succeed. But with that one line he’s given me hope that I haven’t been wasting my time.
A smile spreads across my face. For the first time I actually feel like I want to abseil off the tower.
‘Anyone want to play a game of bar billiards?’ asks Laura from across the table.
‘I do,’ says Ben, standing up.
‘Great. Abi, do you want to play too? Girls against boys?’
‘Sure,’ I say, standing up and walking to the game in the corner. I’ve only played a couple of times, but was really rubbish both occasions.
‘Looks like you guys had a great time in Paris,’ she says as she positions herself next to me and chalks her cue.
‘We did,’ I say, looking at Ben, who’s taking the first shot and nodding.
‘The photos look amazing. You were lucky with the weather.’
‘It was perfect. Not too hot and not too cold.’
‘I went once in the summer and it was stifling, not to mention it stank.’
‘I did tell her that everyone says not to go to Paris in August,’ says Giles, rolling his eyes. ‘She wouldn’t listen though.’
‘I wanted to do al fresco dining so I needed to go when it was warm. Learnt my lesson though. I loved the photo of you two up the Eiffel Tower. It looks almost romantic.’
There’s a twinkle in her eye and I know what she’s thinking.
It hits me that I never stopped to consider what Tammy would have thought of the pictures. I’d put them up and tagged Ben and never gave it another thought. I was so hellbent on what it could do to make Joseph jealous that I hadn’t thought about what implications it might have on Ben’s relationship.
‘So, was it romantic?’ she says leaning into me and lowering her voice.
I look up at Ben as he takes his shot and think back to our almost kiss. It was romantic, but I can’t tell Laura that. I don’t even want to admit that to myself.
‘Don’t forget, Ben has a girlfriend,’ I whisper back.
That ought to shut her up – it’s pretty hard to argue with.
She looks back at me before looking at Ben and whipping her head round back at me.
‘You mean he didn’t tell you?’ she says. Her eyes wrinkling and her brow furrowing.
‘Tell me what?’
‘That he broke up with Tammy.’
‘What?’ I say, my voice barely audible.
‘Abi, you’re up,’ says Giles.
I’m confused for a second before I realise that he’s talking about the bar billiards. I go up to the table on autopilot and I take my shot, not really caring that I miss as I want to get back to Laura.
In my absence Giles has wrapped his arms around her and they look like they’re having one of their cute moments. I’m desperate for it to be his turn so that I can get her back on her own.
When did Ben break up with Tammy? Was it after Paris? Was it because of Paris? Had he felt what I had? Why hasn’t he told me?
As if my mind needed anything else to whirl around it after Joseph’s Facebook comment. I nibble my fingernails as I wait impatiently for Laura and Giles to take their turns.
All the while I’m watching Ben out of the corner of my eye. He’s not acting any different. He doesn’t look like a heartbroken man. He’s not like the shell of a person that I was when I broke up with Joseph.
‘When did they break up?’ I ask, as soon as I’m alone with Laura again.
‘Before we went to Snowdon.’
‘What?’ I say, a little too loudly and Giles looks up at us.
That doesn’t make any sense.
‘But what about her turning up and them going off to the B&B?’
‘Apparen
tly,’ says Laura, lowering her voice and arching her eyebrows, ‘she wanted to try and convince him that they should get back together. Ben being the nice guy he is didn’t want to reject her in front of everyone so they went to talk.’
‘And they didn’t get back together?’ I say, not so much a question but a statement to try and get it straight in my head.
‘No, it’s over and I think from what Giles says that it’s for good this time.’
It doesn’t quite sink in. Ben’s been single for the past two weeks, during which time I’ve spent hours and hours alone with him, and yet he didn’t think to mention it.
‘I honestly thought you knew,’ says Laura. ‘I mean those photos on Facebook . . . I thought you two were getting together.’
This doesn’t make sense. What has Ben being playing at? If only I’d known there was nothing but my feelings for Joseph standing in our way in Paris. That moment when I thought I wanted to kiss him, I could have.
‘Why didn’t he tell me?’ I repeat out loud.
Laura and I both stare at Ben and he must sense it. He turns to us and looks taken aback that we’re both looking directly at him.
‘What? Have I got beer round my face?’
‘Nothing,’ Laura and I say in unison, making us seem even more shifty.
Ben shrugs his shoulder and takes his turn on the bar billiards table. Unsurprisingly Laura and I are getting well and truly trounced, but we’re far too busy trying to work out what’s going on in Ben’s head.
Giles pots the winning ball, and celebrates with an air punch.
‘See, girls suck,’ he says, putting his hands on his hips in a superhero pose.
Laura hits him playfully before slipping her arms around him. She subtly leads him towards the bar, leaving Ben and me together.
‘Want a rematch?’ asks Ben.
I shake my head. I’m in no mood for games.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about Tammy?’
Ben’s mouth drops open and he looks totally caught off balance.
‘Whoa,’ he says, running his hand through his hair. ‘Who told you? Giles?’
‘Laura.’
