by Diana Rivers
“And what of Rhomar? Do you think he will come after you?”
“Why should he? He is the one who told me to leave. No, I think he will find another woman to give him more sons. He is handsome and has a good piece of land. Some young woman will be glad enough to marry him. Why should he come after me? I am spoiled goods. O Mother! I wish I had birthed a daughter for myself while I could still have children.”
Several times I had noticed Zheran watching me with a look of concern on her face. When I was weary and had not the sense to stop, she would try to lure me into sitting down and bring me a bowl of food. Then she would sit quietly by me, a steady, peaceful presence. Zheran had made herself busy in the new settlement, doing many of the things that needed doing in a quiet, dignified, determined way. Yet it was clear that she also did not fit here, this woman who had left everything to come with us, even though she could never be a Hadra. She did not even try. She insisted on wearing the blouses and long skirts of a married woman of the Koormir and steadfastly refused all our offers of trousers and tunics. “I am who I am,” she would say, “and your clothes cannot make me otherwise.” One day, when I caught her watching me in that intent way she had, she said, “This is not your place, Tazzil. You cannot settle here. There is something else you are meant to do.”
“What do you know?” I answered angrily. “You scarcely know me at all.” I was tired of being watched in that way.
She took no offense at my rudeness. Indeed, she hardly seemed to notice it. She just nodded and said quietly, “I know what I see, Tazzil.”
While Zheran was reserved and distant among us, though very efficient at everything she did, Katchia—now that she was done cursing us and calling us dirty Puntyar—joined our lives with gusto. She took over organizing and distributing our goods, accounting for everything with her tax collector skill, so that we knew the exact nature and quantity of all our supplies, in the city of Mishghall as well as here in the settlement. She made fast friends with Renaise, Thalyisi, and the others who supervised the daily running of the camp. As she had somehow managed to escape with several packs of cards, she was constantly teaching us new games. Katchia was loud, bold, brazen, bristly, quick to anger, and equally quick to laugh loudly when her anger cooled. Each time I had to deal with her, I found myself caught between admiration, anger, and amusement. Pell enjoyed her spirit and responded to her boldness with good-humored banter. Rishka, on the other hand, had no patience with her at all and often felt insulted and angry. Katchia was like a burr in her boot. Rishka would say to me through her teeth, “We were too kind. We should have left her in the square in Mishghall for those men to deal with.” For her part, Katchia took pleasure in baiting Rishka at every possible occasion.
It was Kazouri’s response that was the most surprising. Kazouri was smitten. She took a fancy to Katchia in a most extraordinary way. I had never seen Kazouri take that kind of interest in another woman before. In fact, I had never thought of Kazouri in that way. I had always seen her as strong, steady, and good-humored; our rock, our shelter in the storm, our power and protection. Now I saw her reduced to helplessness, puzzled and magnetized. Her heart was plain-written on her face as she watched Katchia with her large, dark, pleading eyes. It was like seeing a big, good-natured, somewhat simple, loyal, loving dog enamored of a volatile, fast-moving, bright-colored bird. For her part, Katchia was glad enough to return Kazouri’s love, though probably not in the same fashion as it was offered. Kazouri’s love was useful and protective; it assured Katchia of safety and a place among us. At the same time, she flirted outrageously with the rest of us, whenever she was not fighting or arguing or causing some other commotion. Though this may have caused Kazouri pain, it certainly brought alive a side of her that had long been dormant.
At that time, it seemed to me as if everyone in camp had someone to love: Renaise continued to charm Dhashoti; Pell and Tama were finally free to be together; Rishka and Zari had resumed their old relationship; Murghanth and Teko were proudly open with their affection. I could go on and on with the naming. Sex and freedom and the warmth of early summer and the smell of new-turned earth and the sight of new little green shoots were a heady mix. Perhaps some part of me understood that Zheran looked on me in that way. But I, who had known so many lovers, had no room in my life for such things at that moment. Instead of feeling lonely, in truth I felt as if I had my own secret lover. I did not know her name and had barely glimpsed her face, yet she haunted my dreams and troubled my waking hours. I was filled with longing for her, this place I had seen only in my visions, a longing as passionate and painful as I have ever felt for any mortal woman. Each time we rode out, I searched for her on every route we went by. She always eluded me, though sometimes I thought I caught a glimpse of her, around some far bend of the road.
* * *
Spring had turned to high summer and soon summer would give way to fall. Finally, I sought Pell out, thinking she was well enough to hear me. Before I could get the words out, she pulled me down beside her. “Listen, Tazzi, I know what is in your mind. No need for a lot of words, but I must tell you clearly that I am quite content with being here, or if not content, at least too exhausted to try to move us on again, one more time. I see you have a bright, wonderful city in your head. You are full of fire for doing more, for keeping going, for finding the perfect place for this city of your dreams. You must understand that, for me, it is over. I said I would get us to safety, and I have done that. I have pushed as far as I can, pushed others and pushed myself. Nine years of struggle is long enough for anyone. I am weary to the bone. I am done with it, finished with this game of being leader. Now I am turning it over. Yours now, Tazzi, your turn, just as I warned you. You lead and I will follow. If you choose to stay here and build, I will be happy to stay too, for a month, a year, a lifetime, whatever you decide.
“If you are determined to go on and search elsewhere, I will be glad enough to go with you and help make that settlement. You have only to say. But for myself, I am done with leading: with guiding, planning, organizing, persuading, conferring, convincing, pushing, worrying, and especially with being responsible for everyone else’s life. Gladly, I hand it over to you. You can be the chief of this new venture.”
My heart was pounding with fear. Pell was right. She had warned me many times, yet I could hardly believe she was really saying this. I was so accustomed to leaning on her guidance. I had tried to pretend over the summer that she only needed a little rest. Too soon! I wanted to shout. No, Pell, I am not ready yet! Yet I knew that was not fair. Everything she had spoken was the truth.
As if I had said the words aloud, she asked with sarcasm, “And just when would you be ready, Tazzi? When would it be time? Can you not see that you will only be ready when I step back? When it is in your hands? Otherwise, it will never be time. You must stop leaning on me, for there is nothing left to lean on, nothing, only an empty shell. I have carried this burden long enough. If you want this city of the Hadra to come into existence, then you must be the one to make it happen. You cannot look to me for that. It would not be fair to ask. More than that, it would be utterly useless.”
I shook myself as if shaking off a chill. “What about Tama?” I asked, wanting to shift the focus of our talk. “Is she willing to leave?”
“Tama has already told me this is not her chosen place. She said she would not be sorry to go on, though she would gladly stay here with me if that was what I wanted. I must tell you that if she chose to stay, then I would too. I have left her once, against my own wishes, certainly against hers. I will not do that again, not even for you, Tazzi, not even for all your dreams. Tama and I will have some happiness together out of all this, that is our right. Never again will I leave her standing at the gate.”
Tears sprang up in my eyes. I was suddenly touched by the chill of old griefs. Pell and I had been lovers, but she never would have said that of me. She had used me for her body’s needs, because I was there and Tama was not. Pell caught my thought
and answered with thought, All too true, Tazzi. Can you ever forgive me? Aloud she said, “That is part of why I will no longer lead. I must be free now to be true to my heart as well as to my dreams. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you.”
To my surprise, she reached out her arms and drew me into a gentle hug, quite unlike the Pell I had always known. Instead of pulling back with hurt pride and anger, I let her hold me close. Something softened in my heart; some old frozen place inside began to melt. Finally, Pell drew back a little and said with some of her old fire, “You know, Tazzi, I share your dream of a great Hadra city, a city as beautiful as Mishghall, but one that is our own, built by us for our needs. I see a library and an archive, where we will keep our books and records for ourselves and for all the Hadra of the future. I myself might even learn to read and write. I see a House of the Mother, with a fine statue of the Goddess made by our own hands. I see houses, streets, parks—a city that will take years to build, lifetimes maybe—only I have nothing left in me to make it happen.”
As she spoke, I saw it in my mind again: three hills between the river and the ocean and a city shining there. For that moment, I knew we were sharing the same vision. But then she went on, “If it is to be, then you must be the one to pull us together, to inspire, drive, plot, plead, plan, argue, and push. Not me. Great Goddess, not me!” She shook her head and sighed with utter weariness.
“Oh, Pell, how could I command you after having followed you for so long?”
“Command? Command!” Pell burst out. Her face changed. For a moment, at least, the weariness lifted and she exploded with laughter. “Command? Probably as successfully as I commanded you. The few times I tried, you defied me to my face. You cannot command the Hadra. How can you command those who cannot be compelled by force? Out in the man’s world, they follow commands on fear of death. Death is the final arbiter, the tune they all dance to. Think of it: if there were no such fear, then each would do as they thought best, and there would be no Zarns to lord it over others. Everyone out there is compelled by the fear of death. But they have all grown so accustomed to taking orders, they dare not even think of what they really want in their lives.
“The Hadra, of course, cannot be led by orders as the guards can. You cannot play captain to this unruly lot. But they will follow your passion and your vision if those are strong enough.” She spoke so intently that, for a moment, she almost sounded like her old self. “That is what compels. Why else did you follow me? But first you must trust in yourself. You must trust in your own power. You must let it fill you. You must take it into your own hands. The passion and the vision are there, Tazzi. The power is there too. I have watched it grow all this summer, but it is you who must own it. Alyeeta and I have seen it in you for a long time now, and we are not fools. We have both tried to train you for this moment. Part of you has been sleepwalking ever since you were driven out of Nemanthi. Now it is time to wake up, Tazzi, and stop following in my footsteps. Wake up and take on your own fate!”
I looked into her eyes for a long time, holding her gaze without blinking. Something was stirring and shifting inside me. Finally I said, “Pass your power on to me, Pell, if you no longer want it.”
She shook her head. “I doubt if I have anything left to pass on. I doubt if you would want it.”
“Do it,” I said forcefully. Hardly knowing what I was asking for, I shut my eyes and held out my hands, palms up. For a while nothing happened, nothing moved. Then I felt a tremendous force and energy radiating over my hands. Next, I felt the shock of Pell’s touch as her palms settled to rest against mine, hot as fire. I had to clamp my jaw to hold steady. My arms were shaking. Breathe together, she whispered in my head. We sat there breathing together for a long time. After she had withdrawn her hands, I sat there even longer, holding mine open to the Goddess.
* * *
For several days after Pell and I talked, I did nothing. Something had happened that I scarcely understood. I had to let it all settle in my heart. Then, before I asked the others, I spoke to Dhashoti, seeking my release and needing to settle things honorably with her.
“This comes as no surprise, Tazzil. I knew from that first day you were not happy here. I have no wish to hold you against your will. Ask whomever else you want, but please leave me Renaise, unless she is absolutely determined to go with you. May the Mother bless your venture. May we meet again under a summer sky.” She took my face between her hands and kissed me on the forehead. I felt blessed. That part had been easier than I had expected.
Very slowly, one by one, I began asking women if they would come with me to this new place that I did not even know. I could not bring myself to gather them all together and ask them as a group. What if no one said yes?
Thalyisi, Noya, Teko, and Murghanth all told me no, that they were very happy where they were. Renaise, though I did not ask her, sought me out to make it clear that she had no intention of leaving Dhashoti. Just as I was about to become totally discouraged, Jhemar told me she would be glad to leave and very glad to be riding down the coast with me. Zenoria came over while we were talking, as if drawn to the energy. To my surprise, she said she would leave anytime I was ready. None of the women who had come from Eezore wanted to go, not Lhiri, Nunyair, Ashai, or any of the others. They were glad to stay near Mishghall, as were most of the Sheezerti. Even though I had expected this, it still hurt to leave Lhiri, though it was not likely I would miss Nunyair, not even for one moment. Kazouri only asked me if Pell was coming and if Katchia could. Much to my surprise, Katchia herself was quite ready to go. Hayika would have ridden off right then. Rishka said she would go wherever I did, though she wished Katchia somewhere else. The hardest person to ask was Alyeeta. What if she said no? Would I still have the courage to leave or the heart to do so? I finally went and stood before her with my head bowed. “I am leaving here to look for a place where we can make a city. Will you come with us?”
“I thought you would never ask me, that you thought me too old. I saw you whispering to this one or that one, hatching your little plots. I thought you meant to leave me here or make me come and beg.”
“Please, Alyeeta, it was because I was afraid to ask, afraid you would say no. Will you come with me?”
“Why not? There is nothing to bind me here, nothing here more than any other place. With you gone, there will be even less.”
“Alyeeta, we will find a home.”
“Oh, Tazzia, what a dream. Witches have no home. That is all in the past. But I will go with you out of love and out of curiosity. I will go to see what is there.”
Rishka had already asked Zari. Kilghari came looking for me to say, “I am tired of being a Muinyairin. I am sick of wandering. No matter how small or humble, I want my own home, built with my own hands. I want to live in one place, go to sleep every night in the same bed, and wake every morning to the same view. I want to plant a garden I can harvest. I even want to plant fruit trees and see them bear fruit, year after year. Ishlair is too close to Mishghall for me to feel safe here. I want to go with you, hoping this is the last time I am ever forced to travel again.” Josleen and Megyair told me they would come, too, at least for a while, to be the messengers between the new settlement and Ishlair. I was surprised one morning to see Ozzet, riding into camp with several Hadra. She came straight up to me and with hardly any greeting said, “I hear you are going south to make a new place, a Hadra city. If so, I want to go with you.”
“But you are already making a settlement on the river, and you have family near here, a whole village.”
“All the more reason to go. My father is a weak, fearful man, always afraid for me and easily influenced. Rhomar is his friend and now Rhomar hates me. Even before, the man had no great liking for me. He was always wanting to tame me, telling my father I was too wild for a Kourmairi woman. Now that Zheran has left, he will never forgive me; he will be glad to think it all my fault. No, I need to be gone from this part of the world. I will miss my grandparents, especially Nhokosos. He
was the only one who really understood me and gave me my freedom, but I need to make my life far away, in another place. Chomar and Valdain want to come with me. The others will go back to the settlement.”
As I thought about the women who had spoken to go with me, it seemed as if most of them were the wild ones, restless and adventuresome, the women least suited for city life. Those who were staying were the ones who most wanted to live in a city again. I could see trouble ahead from this. When I told Pell my fears, she laughed in my face. “Did you think this was going to be easy, Tazzi? Did you imagine you were going to be gifted with it, free of trouble or pain? Think what you are trying to do. Trust me, it will be nothing but trouble from now on. You are undertaking to move, not just a mountain, but the whole world. At least now you will no longer be making us miserable with your miseries. You are getting what you asked for. I say, take what you can get and be grateful. Thank the Goddess for every woman who wants to go with you. Things will happen as She wills it. You must put yourself in Her path and be ready to accept whatever comes.”
As I was talking to Pell, Zheran came to say that she wished to go with me. I had not even thought to ask her. Pell answered thoughtlessly, “Would it not be better to stay here, where you are near Darthill and your children?”
I had never seen Zheran angry, but at Pell’s words she flared up suddenly. “Hadra, tell me clearly if you do not want me to come, but do not try to tell me how to live my life or make my choices.”
Rebuked, Pell took a step back, surprise written plainly on her face. “I see I have overstepped myself. Lady, I meant no disrespect. Indeed, I honor your choices and your courage, too. Besides, it is for Tazzi to say who will and will not come on this journey, not for me.” Zheran’s face softened, but I could see she was very set on going, quite ready to challenge Pell, or anyone else if she had to.
