by Diana Rivers
For a while we sat there in companionable silence, catching our breath, relieved to be out of the worst of the storm. I have no idea how much time went by in that way. As the wind howled and the horses shifted uneasily from foot to foot, I let my mind wander back over scenes of our trip together. When I glanced at Lorren, his head had drooped forward and he appeared to be dozing. My own eyes were getting heavy. As I was about to join him in sleep, the wind shifted sharply and suddenly the rain was driving in on us, full force.
With a curse, Lorren shook himself, jumped to his feet, and shouted, “Stay with the horses, Tazzil, while I go look for better shelter.” He was off at a run down the length of the overhang before I could stop him.
“Lorren, wait!” I yelled after him, but my words were lost in the roaring of the wind and the pounding of the rain. Now I was also on my feet and at a loss for what to do. I was reluctant to leave the horses alone in that wild storm, especially Pharoth, with whom I had little mind contact, but I was suddenly very afraid for Lorren. All of my uneasiness was back, not to be ignored this time. As I was going around with this in my mind, frantically trying to decide what to do, Dancer’s ears began shifting back and forth. Soon she started dancing on her front feet, becoming more and more agitated. Suddenly she lifted her head and snorted a warning. After that, everything seemed to happen at once. I heard the cry of an Oolanth cat from close by. Almost at the same moment, I heard Lorren’s terrified shout. The horses screamed in terror and bolted out into the storm. I found myself running in the opposite direction, running after Lorren, with my heart pounding in my chest, afraid I was already too late.
As I came around the bend, I saw the scene I had been most afraid of. The overhang was wider and higher at that point, with a cave entrance at the back. Lorren was standing almost directly in front of the entrance with his hands thrown up in front of his face. Not thirty feet away, a huge Oolanth was crouching, ready to spring. She was wet from the storm. I had no doubt that her cubs were in that cave. She was trying to get back to them and Lorren was in the way, facing her bare-handed. His knife was back with the pack—not that it would have been of much use against such a creature.
“Lorren,” I shouted, as much to get the cat’s attention as Lorren’s. With a snarl, she swiveled her head around to look at me. I fixed my eyes on hers and tried to make contact. As I touched her mind, the red heat of her rage rocked me on my feet. At the same moment, Lorren called out urgently, “Run for your life, Tazzil! It is already too late for me.”
“Lorren, listen to me and do exactly as I say. I cannot waste words.” I spoke with great deliberation, never taking my eyes from the cat. “Move slowly and cross in back of me until I am between you and the cat. Walk steadily. Do not run. Go wait for me where we left the horses. I will try to keep her attention and calm her rage.”
“Tazzi, I cannot let you…”
“Lorren, for both our sakes, do as I say and DO IT NOW! It is too dangerous for me to talk anymore.” I had to trust that Lorren would heed me, for I needed to put all my attention on the cat. She had obviously been ready to spring, but now, confused by my presence, she suddenly found herself with two targets instead of one. Her eyes were flashing back and forth between us and her tail was lashing violently. I could tell Lorren was moving from the way her gaze shifted.
I focused all my powers on trying to reach into her mind with soothing thoughts. She shook her head sharply, as if wanting to clear it, and howled again. Though her howl was not so loud this time, the pain of it rang in my head like a blow. At the same moment, I heard a scatter of rocks behind me. Lorren must have slipped and perhaps fallen.
I dared not turn to look, but kept my eyes fastened on the cat. She seemed a little dazed. Perhaps my pain had turned back on her. Shaking her head several more times, she even rubbed a paw over each ear in turn as if trying to ease some hurt. Her haunches were no longer bunched so tightly. As she did not appear ready to leap at that moment, I thought this to be my chance. I began humming low in my throat, drawing in all the powers I could call on and even summoning the power of others: Alyeeta, Pell, Telakeet. I fastened my eyes on hers. As my hum grew louder, I began swaying slightly on my feet, keeping her attention. She began swaying in response, watching me intently.
Just as I was wondering how I was going to make my escape, I heard mewling from in back of me. One of her cubs must have wandered up to the entrance. At the sound she turned away from me and gave a sharp warning cough. Then, in three magnificent bounds, she passed me and disappeared through the cave entrance. Snatching up the cub as she went, she vanished from the scene as if she had never existed.
With the contact between us broken, I fell to my knees. I felt as if I had thrown my whole weight against a door and pushed on it with all my force, only to have it suddenly fall open. I was in a daze. The center of my being had been sucked out of me. If not for Lorren, I might have stayed on the ground right where I was, numb and mindless. Only the thought of him, waiting for me, not sure if I was alive or dead, forced me to my feet. Shuffling at a long diagonal away from the cave entrance, I reached the back wall of the overhang. Once there, I made my way along it by keeping one hand against the rock for support. In back of me I could hear the mewling of the cubs and the loud purr of the Oolanth cat.
When I came around the curve of the wall, Lorren saw me and leapt to his feet, his expression changing from despair to joy. “Tazzil, are you all right? Did she hurt you? Are you…?”
“…not hurt…never touched me…all right…” Actually, I was far from all right. I was so short of breath I could hardly speak. My knees were shaking, my head throbbed painfully, and my stomach was trying to heave itself into my throat. With a groan, I collapsed against the rock and began shivering violently, suddenly aware of how cold and wet I was. Lorren fetched a blanket from his pack and wrapped it around me. Then he sat down next to me and drew me tight against him for warmth. “How can I ever thank you, Tazzil? You saved my life and at great risk to your own.”
This seemed a lot of weight for our friendship to bear. I shook my head. “No, Lorren, it was my powers that saved us both. She could not have hurt me. I have to tell you that not all the love in the world would have given me the courage to step between you and an Oolanth cat if I did not have powers. And I should thank you. You were the one who was really brave, for you would have sent me away and faced her alone.” I did not mention his foolhardiness in leaving his knife and running down the overhang alone, but I knew it was in his mind.
The storm had abated now to a steady, gentle rain. After a while, my shivering stopped and some heat returned to my body. Warm and safe, I sank into a pleasant lassitude, letting my mind wander out in search of Dancer. She must not have gone too far, for soon I heard the clinking of stones. When I opened my eyes she was standing near us, ears flicking nervously back and forth, unwilling to come any closer. A very distorted horse’s-eye view of an Oolanth cat floated into my mind.
“We should leave this place quickly.” Lorren spoke with real urgency, but I was reluctant to move. In fact, I could not imagine where I would find the strength to do so.
“Please, Lorren, not until the rain stops. We are safe for now. The cat will not come out and challenge us. She only wanted to reach her cubs and you were standing in her way. They called her in as soon as you were clear of the entrance.”
“Have you ever encountered one of the great cats before?”
I nodded. “Many times. When I was a child I used to go up into the hills and play with the cubs, but I knew better than to tell the people of my village. They already thought me strange enough.”
The look he gave me then was much like the looks I gave Alyeeta when she did one of her spells, that same combination of admiration, distrust, and discomfort. “Tazzil, are you never afraid?” It was almost an accusation.
“Yes, often, but not in the same ways other humans are. After all, we cannot be physically harmed by another.”
Lorren was shaking h
is head. “What must it be like, never to be compelled by force? I can hardly imagine it. Tell me, how on earth do you keep any sort of order among you if none can be compelled?”
“We have our quarrels and our differences with each other, but we all do what must be done, what we each have the skill and ability to do, for our common need. It is necessary. How else could we live? How else could we have survived this long and outwitted the Zarns? It is also our pride, it is what gives us our place in the world.” I shrugged and shook my head. “But it is not true that the Hadra can never be compelled. We cannot be compelled by force, but we can be moved by love or the loss of love, by pride, by pity, by silence or shunning, and in many other ways.” I was silent for a moment; then I shook my head again. “In truth, those are only little games of power, not of life and death. The other always has the choice to play or not to play. She can go her own way, though it may cost her heart some pain to do so. Very different from having all your bones broken or your throat slit, being thrown in prison till your spirit cracks and dies, or watching your child or your lover tortured before your eyes and knowing your turn is next. In your world, not playing their game, not doing what they want, means being ready to give up your life or the life of someone you love. What terrible choices. Oh, Lorren, how can you stand it?”
“It is not my world anymore. That is why it was not so hard to leave. I would not trade my life now for all the riches in Eezore. But if not for you and your little black toads, Tazzil, I would never have known there was any other way to live.”
I looked at him thoughtfully. “The Shokarn have a lot of power in the world, Lorren. Was it that easy to give it all up?”
“A lot—and none at all. That kind of power is like loneliness itself. How can there ever be any company, when another’s words are only an echo of your will? When love is something you can command and others give in fear, how can it really be love? Who would want such a thing? People will say what you want to hear, in fear for their lives, but never what is really in their hearts. That you will never know. It is like a hall of mirrors with only your own reflection in the glass.”
I laid my hand over his and we sat in silence until the sun broke through, gold-green on the opposite hill. Then Lorren and I each shouldered a pack and walked to the bottom of the hill, with Dancer following. It took almost an hour of calling and looking and sending out mind-probes to bring Pharoth back to us and much calming and stroking before he would allow Lorren to mount.
* * *
I stood leaning against Dancer’s side in the late-afternoon sun, pleasantly weary from the long ride, almost asleep on my feet. I had been watching Lorren walking his horse to pasture. When he was well out of sight, I turned to leave and was startled to see him standing behind me, only a few feet away. “I just watched you leave. How did you…?”
“I am his brother, Ebron. I did not mean to startle you so.”
Now I flushed with embarrassment. It is not easy to approach a Hadra unawares. I must have been more tired than I had realized. There were two Wanderers standing farther back. They were conferring intently with each other, but I had no doubt that they had observed the scene.
As I looked more closely at this man, I saw the differences. For one thing, he was considerably younger. Also, he did not have that tight-drawn look of pain around his eyes that Lorren always had. But he was dressed in rough Wanderer clothes, not fine Shokarn wear. From a distance, I could easily have mistaken him for Lorren again. “You do look very like him. Welcome, Ebron, I know how much he loves you. He spoke of you several times on our trip. It gives me pleasure to meet Lorren’s brother.” I said all this holding out my hand. I greeted him for Lorren’s sake, but my words sounded stiff and false to my own ears. Though he was dressed like a Wanderer and looked like his brother, this man standing here before me in our part of the world was a soldier for the Zarn. “I am Tazzil of the Hadra. How did you get through to us in safety?”
“With those two good Wanderers. They saved my hide several times when I thought surely I was lost.” He took my hand in both of his and looked into my eyes. “Tazzil, I am glad to meet you in the flesh. Lorren wrote much of you in the one letter that got through to us, and Hereschell speaks of you often.”
“Hereschell,” I said sadly, “I wish he would come home. I miss him very much.”
“Home? He always says one place is home as much as any another. But he told me to tell you he will be here before winter comes, perhaps in time for the Fall Gather. He says the streets of Eezore are too cold for him in winter. Besides, by then the garden will all be gone.”
I looked at this young man more closely. “So Hereschell speaks aloud to you? He does not play the deaf-mute in your presence? You must be…”
“EBRON!” Lorren himself was running up the hill, with Yolande rushing after him. “When Conath came to tell me, I could hardly believe it was really you, here at Wanderer Hill.” Ebron opened his arms wide, and Lorren swept him into a fierce hug. They thumped each other on the back in the manner of men. Lorren kissed him on both cheeks and then held his brother away to look at him. “You have grown, little brother. How is it that Father let you come? Did he send a whole troop with you? I am much surprised to see you. He told me I was in such deep disgrace that he no longer considered me part of the family.”
“Father is getting older. No matter what he said then, he misses you and was glad for me to come. Besides, you will always be part of my family. When I said I was coming, he offered to send a troop of guards with me. I told him it would only make trouble and cause anger wherever I went, that in fact it might endanger me. He insisted, so I left him a note and slipped out at night with these two friends of Hereschell’s, all three of us dressed as beggars. The guards were only too happy to let us out through the gate and so rid the city of some rubbish. The Wanderers had horses waiting on the other side of the wall. We brought more of your endless books in our packs, and so, after many death-defying adventures, here we are.”
Lorren put his arm around Yolande, saying, “This is my beloved wife, Yolande, who is willing to share my life here.” I saw how Ebron’s eyes sparked with interest as he looked at Yolande and took in her beauty. Then Lorren nodded in my direction. “And I see that you have already met Tazzil. She is councilor and headwoman for the Khal Hadera Lossien of Zelindar.” Lorren spoke with pride, as if he were introducing some illustrious personage. From his tone, I understood that he was trying to give me stature in his brother’s eyes. In spite of that fine title, what Ebron could clearly see in front of him was a scruffy, mud-covered young woman, hardly more than a girl, with the dark skin of the Koormir, something not favored by the Shokarn Uppercaste. I probably looked much like the slaves or serving girls in his father’s house.
“Yes, we met. She even mistook me for you and thought you had made a miraculous reappearance at her side.” I laughed and Ebron laughed with me, but there was a little frown on his forehead, and an expression of puzzlement around his eyes, so that his handsome face seemed almost at war with itself. He would bear watching, this young man. He would be something to keep an eye on.
Ebron then turned to Yolande, bowed formally, and said, “It is a pleasure and an honor to meet my new sister.” With those words, he took her arm, and I was suddenly shut out of that family scene. The three of them walked up the hill together while I mounted Dancer. Exhausted to the core, I turned her toward home, trusting that she would find her own way there.
* * *
Two days later, a banquet in Ebron’s honor was held in the great hall, cooked and organized by the Wanderers. How wonderful to come to something I had no hand in making happen! It almost seemed like a miracle. Huge tables had been set up for the feast. They were covered with platters of steaming food and jugs of drink, and I had not once been to the storeroom to worry or fuss or check on the supplies. Great bunches of wildflowers filled the unfinished hall and swaths of bright fabric had been draped over parts of the stone walls to add more color. In certain
places the sky showed through, bright blue and cloudless. Hadra, Wanderers, and even some Kourmairi from the other camps mingled together without rancor for the day. Even Hayika, back from her wandering, had insisted on coming. “I want to meet this new Shokarn ‘lordling’ for myself,” she had said to me with a wink and a grin.
I did not trust her sharp, insulting tongue. “Hayika, you will not…”
“You need not worry about me, Tazzil. I will be politeness itself.”
The Witches had also decided to come, though I made Alyeeta promise to watch her words and Olna promise to keep an eye on her.
Ebron was the center of the evening. All eyes were turned on him: telling his stories; laughing and joking and drinking; even flirting outrageously with some of the Kourmairi women. He charmed us all, especially Yolande. I wondered how she reconciled his being a soldier with her views of war, how she could find this man acceptable and the Hadra too strange for her taste when we had never killed anyone and Ebron might have dispatched any number of lives with that ornate sword he wore at his side. As I looked at her moving about the hall in her proud, stately manner, smiling at this one or that one, but with never a friendly look in my direction, I felt that ugly little feeling I now recognized as jealousy.
