Chaz walked to the door. He stood in front of it, staring at the white paint. Then he walked to the kitchen. He would make coffee and start a new plan for finding Ava.
The next morning Zuri was able to contact her cousin. It took less than ten minutes for her to pack her things. She had been staying with him for days yet her mark on his home was cleaned up and packed away in minutes.
It was a two-hour drive to her cousin’s house. The cousin was ten years older than Zuri, she had a husband who was off working on a fishing boat in Alaska and two small children at home. The house was small but Chaz felt an odd sense of jealousy as he looked around. They obviously didn’t have much but they had family. They had love.
“Can I make you some tea?” Zuri’s cousin asked Chaz.
Chaz shook his head, “No. I should be leaving soon.”
The five-year-old was shy meeting Zuri but the three-year-old took to her right away. She lifted her arms and Chaz watched as Zuri easily lifted the little girl onto her side. Zuri smiled and made faces until the girl erupted into peals of laughter.
Chaz was surprised at how natural Zuri looked with a child in her arms.
“I should go,” he said abruptly.
Zuri looked at him. He could see something smolder in her eyes but she put the little girl down.
“I’ll walk you out.”
She walked Chaz back to his motorcycle keeping a distance between their bodies.
“You’ll be safe here,” he said, more for his own benefit than for hers. “I’m going to talk to the local motorcycle club here, they’ll keep an eye on you.”
He felt like she wanted to protest but Zuri just nodded a little.
“Will you call me if there are any changes? If you find out anything about Ava?” she asked.
Chaz turned over the engine on his motorcycle, “I’ll have Big Joe call you if anything happens.”
He didn’t look at her again, just pushed off and began the drive into town.
Chapter Ten
As she watched Chaz pull out of the driveway she felt something crack deep within her. He didn’t even look at her when he left. He wouldn’t even take the time to call her, he said he would have Big Joe call instead. Her stomach squeezed and she felt an overwhelming urge to cry or yell, or both.
But she did neither. Zuri stood outside looking into the empty space where only a few minutes before Chaz had been.
That was that then, she thought. She toughened herself against the feelings that threatened to crush her. She was just fine. She was on her own again, that’s how she had been most of her life and that’s how she would continue to be.
She walked back into her cousin’s house. She hadn’t seen Tiana since she was just a child herself. Mostly she just remembered Tiana being a moody teenager. She didn’t like playing with the little kids and would sneak away to smoke cigarettes that she’d stolen from the grownups. Tiana was all grown up now with babies of her own. She seemed happy enough, settled into the role of mother and provider. Her husband was away most of the time, but the photos around the house showed an ebony man with a wide smile. Zuri couldn’t know for sure but from the photos he looked like a good father.
Mia held up her arms to Zuri again and Zuri happily picked her up. It felt both strange and wonderful to hold a child. Mia’s little body snuggled against Zuri and for a moment Zuri thought it might not be so bad to be out of Cliffs.
“Who was that man?” Jeremiah was Tiana’s five-year-old son. He looked up at Zuri with his hands on his hips as if trying to decide about her trustworthiness.
“That was a… friend,” Zuri supplied.
“Friend?” Tiana asked with one raised brow. “He didn’t look at you like he thought of you as a buddy. None of my business,” she put her hands up, “I’m just saying.”
“Can I ride on a motorcycle when I grow up?” Jeremiah looked to his mom.
“No, you cannot.” Tiana turned and motioned for Zuri to follow her. “You’ll sleep in Jeremiah’s bed, sorry we don’t have a guest room or anything.” Tiana walked into a miniature child’s wonderland and Zuri followed behind her. The room was covered in paintings of Alice in Wonderland. Vines grew in thick paint up the walls, a white rabbit with a waist coat checked his pocket watch, a large mushroom sat in-between giant flowers.
“Did you paint all this?” Zuri asked as she looked around.
“My husband, painting is his passion off the boat.” Tiana looked at the walls too. “They are pretty good, aren’t they?”
“Incredible,” Zuri walked closer to look at the detail.
“So you’ll sleep here, Mia is a good sleeper and shouldn’t wake you up. Jeremiah will sleep with me.” Tiana pointed to a small twin bed. Mia’s bed was on the other side of the room, there were little rails up to keep Mia from rolling out onto the floor.
“Thank you.” Zuri turned to her cousin. “Really, thank you so much.”
“You’re family. Plus it will be fun to get to know you as an adult. I don’t get too many adults in my life these days.” Tiana laughed and picked up a stuffed ladybug from the floor.
The next three days went by quickly. The nights were still just as hard even though Chaz was no longer in the neighboring room. But the soft breathing of Mia across the small space was oddly comforting to Zuri.
She checked her phone incessantly, waiting for news of Ava. News of Chaz, from Chaz, though she knew she wouldn’t be hearing from him.
He had shut her out.
Well, that was fine, she thought. She was fine before Chaz and she was just fine without Chaz. She didn’t need him in her life and he’d made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want her anywhere near his life. But by the third day she was beginning grow mad at herself for butting out of Ava’s rescue so easily. She had no idea what they were doing, if they were doing anything at all to recover her. She deserved to be in the loop and if Chaz wasn’t ok with that, then Zuri should have forced herself in.
Stone cold, that is what Big Joe had said about Chaz. But Chaz hadn’t felt stone cold when he’d kissed her. When he’d lifted her and held her. He’d felt sizzling. There had been moments when Zuri had thought she’d felt something more from him. At those moments she’d been sure about it. But now from two hours away she was sure she’d been mistaken.
He had no heart to break. No heart to give. He was just a closed off man wanting to escape from a woman who had read too much into his actions. He’d just done what men do. He’d been physically thirsty for her but nothing more.
“Can we watch Dora?” Mia asked Zuri while Tiana was out buying groceries.
“What if we read one of those books instead?” Zuri pointed to a small tower of children’s books stacked along the wall.
Mia considered this.
“I want to pick the book,” Jeremiah shouted and ran to the stack.
Mia immediately relinquished her hesitancy about reading and ran to the stack as well.
“No,” Mia cried, “Zuri said I could pick it.”
Jeremiah turned to look at Zuri.
“You can both pick two books and we’ll read them all.” Zuri smiled at the new enthusiasm of her little readers. The kids went about disassembling all the books so they could choose the ones they wanted.
There was a knock on the door and Zuri got up. She looked out the small front porch window before opening the door.
“Yes?” Zuri asked.
“Are you Zuri Hayes?” the man asked as he looked down at a clipboard in his hand.
Zuri wondered if it were some sort of trick. If she should give a real answer.
“I have a delivery for Zuri Hayes,” he looked back at his truck.
Zuri nodded, “I’m her.”
She signed off on his board and he walked back to the truck bringing three boxes with him.
“What is all this?” Zuri asked as she took the boxes from the man.
“I’m just the delivery guy,” he said before walking back to his truck and driving away.
“What is it?” Jeremiah asked touching one of the boxes.
“I think we’ll have to open them to find out,” Zuri tousled his hair and walked back to the kitchen. She grabbed a pair of scissors then began slicing the tape off the first box.
When she opened it she pulled out a build-it-yourself spaceship. It didn’t look too complicated and the age range was 5-7 years. A small note attached to the kit said in bold letters, Jeremiah.
“This is for you,” she handed the box to Jeremiah who looked beside himself with delight.
Mia pulled at the box, “What about me?”
Zuri peered in and pulled out a fancy baby doll with a similar note that said, Mia. She looked at the milk chocolate skin of the baby and smiled.
“For me?” Mia screeched. She grabbed for the baby and immediately began petting the doll’s hair and fussing with her strawberry patterned clothing.
Zuri moved the empty box to the side and opened the next one.
Inside was a note that read, For Tiana, Thank you for letting Zuri come to stay. There was a bottle of red wine, two expensive looking chocolate bars, and two fluffy new slippers.
Zuri stared at the note for a long time. She brushed her fingers over it and tried to imagine Chaz writing the words. Could this really be from the same man who dropped her off three days ago? No one else knew she was here, no one else knew the names of the kids and her cousin.
Zuri removed the box meant for Tiana and stared at the third box. She was almost scared to open it.
Cutting the tape she sat for a moment staring at the unopened box. Then, as the impulse drifted over her, she opened it.
Inside she found the last note, For Zuri. She held the piece of paper in her hand. She turned it over. There was nothing more to be read, just her name.
Zuri looked back into the box. Inside there was a box of Sleepy Time tea, two fresh new books, a bulky woolen sweater, and a leather bound journal. Zuri put the sweater on and felt the bulk and comfort of it on her body. She lifted the journal and opened the front page. Inside was another, short, note.
I will find Ava, I promise.
Zuri sucked in a breath. How was this possible? These gifts were thoughtful, they were…sweet.
She pressed her nose into the wool of the sweater and inhaled. Was it possible that the man who only a few days before seemed heartless and stone cold was actually…kind and thoughtful?
“I love my new doll, I’m going to name her…” Mia stared at the face of her doll. “Zuri!”
“You can’t name her Zuri, I’m already named Zuri,” Zuri said as she pulled the little girl to her lap.
“You should name her Baby Snot Nose,” Jeremiah teased his sister. Mia looked up at him with daggers and Zuri tried her best not to laugh.
That night after the kids went to bed Zuri and Tiana sat down to a glass of red wine and chocolate.
Tiana closed her eyes after popping a piece of dark chocolate into her mouth. “Oh that’s good. That is very, very good.” She let out a sigh and brushed her newly slippered feet up to a nearby chair. “So you and this guy…you still think you’re just friends?”
Zuri took a long sip of her wine. “Just friends,” Zuri said the words slowly.
“Nah, but you want to be something more, I can see it in your face. And let me tell you, a guy doesn’t do all this for his friend. This…this is something more…” Tiana said knowingly.
“I think he just feels bad. I…there might have been moments where I wanted something more, but it’s useless to think about. His heart belongs to another woman.” Zuri stared at her glass.
“He’s married?” Tiana asked incredulously.
Zuri almost spit her wine out but swallowed with a cough. “No. Not married. He was engaged a long time ago, seven years, but the woman…she was killed.”
“Oh.” Tiana sat back and took another piece of chocolate. “That is tricky.”
Zuri made some of the Sleepy Time tea before going to bed but she already knew it wouldn’t help. She used to be so good at sleeping, it used to be one of her favorite things. That was before Ava, and before Chaz.
She laid down in the small bed and stared at the ceiling. Her eyes were tired, her body was tired, but her heart still thumped heavy in her chest.
Chapter Eleven
Chaz paced his living room. He looked fleetingly at his empty bed and the door that still stood ajar. He’d left the rumpled sheets just as they were when Zuri had left. He’d meant to change them but he hadn’t. He’d slept on the sofa just as he had on the nights before, only now he knew Zuri wasn’t in the room next door.
He wondered if she’d gotten the packages. What had she thought? Maybe she’d just packed the items away and sent them back. Maybe she’d thrown them away. He wouldn’t blame her. He’d been cold and indifferent. He didn’t deserve a thought from her. So why did he want her to think of him? Why did he care so much?
Chaz walked into the room and picked up the pillow with a dent still intact. He lifted it to his face then quickly tossed it back on his bed.
He turned to his closet, crouched, and pulled the metal box out easily. He walked it to his kitchen table and opened it.
There she was, Rebecca. He pulled out the picture and held it out for a long time
He was living in the past. Living for and with a person who could no longer experience his love.
“You’ll always be a part of who I am. I will never forget you,” he spoke to her picture. Rebecca smiled back at him as he put her photo back in the box. He took the metal box out of the house, walked to his shed and planted the metal box on a ledge next to his tools. He couldn’t throw her away even if he wanted to, but he realized that he couldn’t live with her at his side any longer either.
Chaz looked at his motorcycle. There was something light in him. For the past seven years, almost eight, he’d been held in place by his memories. He’d lived with the ghost of a woman and he too had become a ghost because of it. Now, with Zuri he’d felt something light within him and a purpose flowing through the veins of his life.
Moving his motorcycle upright he climbed on it. The engine roared to life. He looked back at his house, the empty bed, the sheets that still smelled of Zuri, and he knew he was making the right choice.
The night was inky but he felt the curves of the road before he even reached them. His heart hammered out a beat, the air pushed him on and the moon watched. His body felt alive. He was alive. He’d been living the closed existence of someone already in the grave, but he didn’t have to live that way any longer.
He had a choice and now he was choosing. He was choosing Zuri.
He was thankful for the long drive. He felt high on the overwhelming burst of emotions and he didn’t want to let that feeling go. But he also knew that confronting Zuri might force him to.
There was no guarantee that Zuri felt the same way. He’d pushed her off, turned her down, been cold and mean. It was actually likely that she would ignore him, or at least that she would turn down his baggage.
How could he have been so closed off to her? Every time she’d given him a chance to open himself to be more, he’d closed it down and cut it short.
The closer he got to Tiana’s house the more he began to believe that Zuri would turn him away. But regardless he knew that he had to try.
His hands felt slick with sweat as he pulled into Tiana’s driveway. It was late and he cut his motor at the top of the drive, walking the rest of the way to the door.
He raised his hand ready to knock but the door opened with a swift movement in front of him.
“Ava? You found her?” Zuri came out into the light. She was wearing her pajamas, her hair tousled, her wide eyes looked expectantly at him.
“No,” Chaz said quickly, not wanting to give her false hope. “I didn’t find Ava. I’ve been looking everywhere, follo
wing the man that took her. I sent some men south to talk to the port authority, I think we have something on some unusual shipping activity from Eastern Europe but…I haven’t found her yet.”
He felt himself going on and on when a few simple words would have sufficed easily. It was possible that he was avoiding what was coming next.
“Oh,” Zuri said, visibly deflating. “I thought…you being here in the middle of the night…I just thought…”
“I came for you.” Chaz said the words with deliberation. He felt a vulnerability in his words that he hadn’t exposed to anyone in the last eight years. He was so used to playing his hand close to the chest, keeping himself locked away. In a flash he realized how easy that existence was, it wasn’t real, but it was protected, safe. He swallowed and forced himself to say the words building inside of him, “I don’t want to live without you.”
Zuri stared at him dumbfounded.
“What?” She shook her head a little as if she had not heard him right.
“I don’t think I can live without you, I want you to come home with me.” He held out his hand but Zuri just stared at it. She looked to his hand then looked up at the man. She backed into the house and closed the door.
Chaz stared at the closed door, his hand still outstretched. The reality of what had just happened slowly sinking in. He put his hand down and turned around. He’d known this was a possibility but it still felt like a sharp slap. He walked slowly away from the house. Each step felt like he was walking through wet cement.
When he got halfway down the driveway he heard the door behind him again, then footsteps. Zuri was running toward him. She was dressed and had her bag slung over her shoulder. She bobbed up and down as she moved. Chaz thought for a moment that she was an optical illusion. Then she was right in front of him. Her breath came in short spurts and she was smiling.
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