‘Is there anything I can do?’ Nina said. ‘I hate to see you so upset.’
‘Have you got any money?’ Shaz said. ‘Anything at all I can borrow?’
Nina thought of the clothes, and the burgers Shaz had bought her when she hadn’t had any money. She hardly had any now, but she owed Shaz and she wanted to get away. Maybe if she just handed over what she had left, Shaz would leave her alone and she could get back to her day. That’ll teach me to be nice to people, she thought.
‘Yeah, sure,’ Nina said, ‘I’ve got a fiver, but only that. You can have it.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Shaz said, holding out her hand for it, ‘I’m sorry for taking your last bit of money and I’m sorry for everything else. Honest.’
‘There’s nothing to be sorry for,’ Nina said, ‘nothing at all.’
Chapter Eleven
Daphne
Tuesday, 26 February
After the fuss about Meg’s panic attack had died down, Daphne went to rest for a quiet ten minutes on Meg’s bed. She had hardly slept at all on Grace’s sofa the previous night after her self-appointed guard duties. Daphne was used to insomnia, but it had been very odd being in someone else’s house and also Meg’s upset had shaken her. She could feel her thoughts starting to circle in a way she didn’t like. Daphne was thinking about her Big Mistakes, and she hadn’t thought about her Big Mistakes for many years. That’s what she told herself, but in fact it wasn’t true. Daphne knew it wasn’t true. In a superb act of self-deception that had taken nearly all of Daphne’s available emotional energy for more than fifty years, Daphne had decided not to let herself know that the Big Mistakes were occupying every thought she had in every waking moment. There had been no time, with the thoughts she couldn’t keep out; no time for relationships, no time for children, no time for anything outside of work.
Work was the best thing. They had told her that in prison, everyone had said it.
‘At least you haven’t got any kids,’ the nice writing teacher had said, ‘and you’re educated. You’ll still be able to get a good job, this is just a blip.’
At least I haven’t got any kids, Daphne used to think as she got ready for her job in the council each morning. Think how difficult this would be if I had kids. She wasn’t sure though. It didn’t always feel like a blessing, especially when she heard children playing. The squeals, the happy shouts, the occasional tears. Daphne’s life was so quiet.
Work, though. They had been right about the healing properties of work. Daphne had loved it, going to the same place every day, the steadiness of it and the predictability. She had even been able to open Beth’s letters after the first few years, read them right through and look at pictures she had sent without crying.
Daphne had been happy to go in to the office early, stay late and take files home. Every part of the world of work had been a respite from the fear and the terrible thoughts that she could never admit that she had. Until retirement, that is. Daphne worked later than most people, stayed at her various desks doing council maths until she was sixty-five, but her age had finally caught up with her when she became unwell. Only then had she been noticed, only then had her bosses realised that she needed to be pensioned off. They waited until she was back from a skirmish with breast cancer to present her with a voucher. A voucher, Daphne thought, a voucher. Not even a personal thing, a golden gardening trowel or a designer suitcase. She had taken such care to keep hidden, to make sure that no one knew her, and she had been successful. It was only at the end, when she left, that Daphne realised she hated her success. A voucher. That would never have happened to Grace, she was sure.
Daphne thought that she would like to talk to Grace about the voucher, amongst other things. She seemed like the kind of person who would understand. They might even be able to be friends, when all this stuff was over. Daphne couldn’t hope for more than that.
Daphne sat bolt upright. She realised that she had been thinking about the past again when she should have been trying to save that girl’s life. The mistakes, the prison, the voucher, all of that needed to go. She shook her head and concentrated on keeping her breathing even. Think of something else, she told herself. Look around. Meg’s bedroom was quiet and tastefully grey but Daphne could see nothing personal, nothing to show who Meg truly was. Nothing on the bedside table, nothing on the chest of drawers. Nothing at all like Grace’s book-lined living room. Perhaps this was normal, she thought. Perhaps she was so cut off from other people that she had no idea what normal was.
She wasn’t going to sleep, that was clear, so Daphne got out her notebook to try to make a plan. One, she wrote. What is Nina escaping from? As soon as she had written it she felt better. It’s obvious, she thought, it’s some kind of Big Mistake of her own. It doesn’t matter about the specifics, that toad man had a look of Andrew about him, even without the striped flares and the military jacket.
Daphne went over to the window and lifted the net curtain a little. There was no one there. No one lounging against a lamp-post or standing consulting a map. Nothing suspicious. Still, though, she could feel menace in the air. The street looked like a film set before the action starts, waiting for something to begin. The day was closing down early and Daphne thought, something is going to happen. The light had been like this another time, she remembered, just like this so that you weren’t sure, if you cleared your mind, whether it was end of the day or the beginning. Tricky light. Time to draw the curtains. Daphne shuddered.
Downstairs felt much safer. Meg was teaching Nina to knit, and Grace was chopping vegetables. All three looked up and smiled as Daphne came in.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ Daphne said, ‘I don’t think we’re safe here. I mean, I’m not sure or anything but I’ve got a feeling, like your violin thing, Meg, and I don’t want to frighten anyone but I’m wondering if maybe we should move on, go somewhere else.’
There, she thought, I’ve said it now, and whatever happens next, at least I’ve tried.
‘Did you see him?’ Grace said, wiping her hands and putting down the knife. ‘Is he outside?’
Nina started to cry, and Meg put her arm round her.
‘No, no, he’s not outside,’ Daphne said, ‘and I’m really sorry to upset everyone, but I have a feeling, and I’m sure I saw him yesterday, and I was thinking that there was a time before in my life when I sat like a sitting duck, whatever that is. I sat and I waited and I thought that was best for me, least likely to cause any trouble, best for everyone. I should have acted then and I didn’t but I don’t want that to happen again so I’m just saying, for what it’s worth, that this time I think we should act, we should move rather than sit here waiting. Sorry.’
‘OK, OK,’ Grace said. She moved over and put a hand on Daphne’s arm. ‘I guess I’m not saying feelings aren’t very important, but you might be wrong, and it might be a crazy thing, uprooting everyone and taking off for God knows where, with God knows who following. There’s nothing to make us think that toad man knows Nina is here with us, in fact he could be miles away by now. And where would we go anyway? And how would we get there?’
Daphne felt better with Grace’s hand on her arm.
‘I’ve got a place,’ she said. ‘I’ve got a place at the seaside, Margate, not far. I’ve even got a car but it’s a long time since I’ve driven anywhere. I’m happy if either of you wants to drive, I can assure you of that.’
‘I never learned,’ said Meg. ‘Sorry, I’m hopeless at things like that.’
‘I can drive,’ said Grace. ‘I can drive but I don’t believe we ought to go anywhere. What have we got, really, to go on?’
Grace looked at the other women in turn and Daphne thought, she’s a natural born leader. She probably knows best.
‘I was just saying,’ Daphne said, ‘I mean, I’m not necessarily right, in fact I’m probably wrong, it was just that…’ She tailed off.
‘Hang on,’ said Nina. ‘I mean, I’ve told you some of it, but maybe there are more things you need
to know. He really is bad, you know, unscrupulous, that’s the word. And I’m grateful, really grateful, but I don’t think it’s fair you should all put yourselves in danger for me. But Daphne is right, he is a bad man, and he’s dangerous.’
Meg looked at Nina with admiration.
‘Well said,’ she said quietly.
‘I get what you’re saying, my lovely,’ said Grace, ‘but I also think you’re going to have to tell us a bit more about who he is, and who you are. I don’t mind running, lord knows I don’t, but my basic stipulation is that I want to know who I’m running from, and why.’
Meg looked worried. She twisted her hands together and looked from Nina to the others. Positively fluttering, Daphne thought, and she felt sorry for her.
‘I think it’s for the best, Meg,’ Daphne said.
Nina looked calm but Daphne could see that she was trembling. There was no colour in her face and her long hair seemed darker in contrast.
‘I do too,’ Nina said. ‘It’s OK, honestly, I’ll be OK, I don’t mind telling you. I trust you. All of you. You’ve all been so good to me and I think you should know.’
Nina told her story while they ate vegetable stew and mashed potatoes, comforting, old-fashioned food. Daphne could see that Nina was hungry, and the women waited quietly while she ate and talked. When Nina had finished Daphne knew she had heard a story like that before. A long time ago, and maybe not the same story but a similar one, or even a part of her own story and nothing similar at all, she wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure of anything as she stood up and peered round the curtains, but she heard an echo of the clanking slam of the prison doors, and she definitely saw a big black car cruise slowly past the house. Daphne knew that her original plan of taking them all somewhere safe was a good one. Grace had seen the car too, Daphne could tell that from the worried look Grace sent her. It was as if the two of them were communicating without words, Daphne thought, and even in the middle of her terror and anxiety she was glad of the connection.
Daphne didn’t need to say any more. Hearing Nina’s story was enough to convince Meg that they should be on the move, and Nina seemed happy to follow whatever the older women suggested.
‘So I’m going to go and get the car,’ Daphne said. ‘Meg, can I go out the back way, through the garden? I think it would be easier. My car is parked quite near here – I don’t keep it outside my house. I’ll bring it closer, I’ll be a couple of streets away, by the old library. It’s well lit there, and I think that’s better than meeting somewhere dark. Bring yourselves, you don’t need anything else. I’ve got food in the freezer down there and coats and woolly hats and in case anyone is watching, it’s better if we look as though we’re just going out for a while. I’ll text Grace when I’m at the car and you all come out. Is that OK?’
Daphne couldn’t believe she had been so assertive. She felt as though someone else was speaking, and she hoped that none of them were offended. She looked at Grace. Grace was a natural leader, much better suited to the role than Daphne. Grace seemed so sure of herself, so aware of everyone else. Daphne looked at her and Grace grinned and put both thumbs up.
‘Way to go, Daff,’ Grace said. ‘Sounds like a plan to me.’
Meg put her arm round Nina. ‘I’ll just put a few bits to eat in a carrier bag,’ she said.
‘You’re like everyone’s mum,’ Nina said.
Meg blushed. They all laughed, glad for a break in the tension.
Daphne felt better once she was outside on her own. The night had always been her time and wandering in the dark through London’s secret places cleared her head. Daphne had always been unafraid, sure that nothing that happened to her could ever be as bad as events in her past. Until now. Until there were other people in the mix, other people to worry about and look out for. It’s not just about you any more, she said to herself as she let herself out of the little door in the fence at the back of Meg’s garden.
The door opened on to a courtyard in front of a block of flats. No one was around. It was cold and dark and Daphne felt invisible as she slipped round the side of the flats and down the quiet road where her car was parked. She was grateful that no one had asked her why she didn’t park it outside her own front door. If they knew, she thought, they would never, ever get in it with her as a driver. They’d be right not to, in Daphne’s opinion. She knew she was the worst driver who had ever passed a test. In fact she had no idea why she had passed, and could only assume that her examiner had not passed enough people that day and was forced to put her through regardless. The truth was that after nearly thirty years, Daphne could not reverse into a parking space. She was forced to park her car wherever she could find a big enough space to drive forward into.
Daphne used the car less and less. It had been several weeks since the last time but she crossed her fingers and it started.
‘Well done,’ Daphne said, ‘my good and trusted friend.’
The others were waiting at the library when Daphne pulled up. They got in quickly, Grace in the front passenger seat and Nina and Meg in the back. Daphne could see straight away that something had happened by the way Grace held herself. She looked tense and grim, her mouth set in a line. Daphne started the car and reached over to squeeze Grace’s arm.
‘Seat belts on, everyone?’ Daphne called and Nina giggled.
‘It’s like going on a school outing,’ she said.
Grace didn’t smile and as they moved off, Daphne could see that she was constantly checking in the rear-view mirror.
‘Everything OK?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ said Grace quietly, ‘I think so, only I’m not sure if there was someone around, as we left the house. We came out through the garden, so that was OK, and we left the radio and the lights on but I think I saw someone in one of the doorways of the flats. They didn’t look right, somehow. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure, but I think there may have been someone, hanging around a couple of doors down.’
Nina leaned against Meg as if she was very tired and Meg patted Nina’s arm. Daphne drove faster.
‘OK,’ said Grace after a few minutes, ‘I think we have now managed to leave behind anyone we might have seen, unless they have a fast car. More than fast, it would have to be a very special car, the kind that James Bond or another mega spy slash double agent might use.’
‘Oh,’ said Daphne, ‘am I going too fast?’
Meg, Nina and Grace all laughed.
‘No offence meant,’ Grace said, ‘but jeez, have you ever won a Grand Prix?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Daphne said, ‘I didn’t want to scare anybody but I am a really bad driver.’ Daphne turned to the back and the side as she spoke in order to speak directly to the passengers, and all three of them shrieked.
‘Keep your eyes on the road, darling,’ said Grace.
Daphne was so surprised and pleased about the ‘darling’ that she didn’t mind about the driving comments. In fact, when Grace offered to take over, Daphne felt nothing but relief. As soon as it was possible she pulled over and got out to swap seats with Grace.
‘OK,’ Grace said quietly as they stepped past each other outside the car, ‘FYI it definitely was him, toad man and some kind of beefy mate, and they hoofed it back to their car after they’d seen us I suspect. And they definitely did see us but I don’t want to frighten the little one. OK?’
‘OK,’ Daphne said and gave Grace a quick kiss on the cheek.
Did I do that? Daphne thought. Did I really just kiss this woman in the middle of the night while we’re changing seats and driving a getaway car? Perhaps my life isn’t a done deal yet. How strange.
Chapter Twelve
Meg
Tuesday, 26 February
It was lovely being in the car all together. I felt safe for a moment or two even though I was sure I’d caught a glimpse of that man’s car, too. Just being together, the four of us in the car with the doors closed against whatever might be out there in the dark, made me feel for a moment as though
I could relax. I didn’t say it because I could hear from her voice that Grace was panicked, and Daphne was nervous about the driving on top of everything else. I was worried, of course I was, but the thing is I’ve spent my whole life being worried about one thing or another and it’s never made a single bit of difference. The violin was not playing then, I was sure of that. And the other thing was that even though it makes me sound a bit crazy, I was starting to realise, I mean really realise, that Henry wasn’t coming back. No resurrections. No snoring. I think that, up until we got into the car to go to Margate, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had popped his head around the door and said, ‘Here I am, what’s for tea?’ He used to go away on business trips, you see, three, four days at a time. He stayed in budget hotels mostly, and he used to say the food was better than anything he got when I cooked. And the company too, although I wasn’t surprised at that. I have never been very exciting company.
When we got into Daphne’s car and drove off, it was like we were leaving the ordinary world behind. Including Henry, dead or alive. I could hear Grace and Daphne talking to each other quietly. I couldn’t always make out the words but I could see that they had a special closeness. The way they looked at each other, the way they touched each other’s arms. I wasn’t jealous. Henry always said I was a jealous person but he was wrong, I liked seeing Grace and Daphne do their own thing. Maybe because of my relationship with Nina. She needed me, Nina, and she was so lovely. She called me Meggie. She was special from the word go. There’s no such thing as love, Henry used to say, it’s a social construct. I was never sure what that meant and the more I think about it, the more I’m sure that he didn’t know either. It was probably something he’d read in a Sunday paper. I think there’s such a thing as love, I always did, and I think I loved Nina from almost the first moment I saw her. She’s little and skinny, with big curly hair that she’s always trying to tame, but it’s wild and won’t lie down at all. She twists it up into a topknot and I love that. I would have loved to do that with my hair, but I have the thinnest, flattest hair you ever saw. It takes all sorts to make a world. She’s got a way of talking, Nina. She looks at you really earnestly and says things with such conviction. I like listening to her.
A Beginner’s Guide to Murder Page 10
