I'd acted like an ass last night. I must have been drunker than I'd thought. So what if Nathan had tons of toiletries for the girls he brought home? I shouldn't have gotten upset at something so stupid.
Now, in the light of day and with a clearer head, I realized how much I'd overreacted. After all, I'd known his reputation from the start. There was no reason to feel hurt by the reminder of his many and numerous exploits.
But even as I thought it, a small voice inside me couldn't help but whisper.
Are you sure it doesn't bother you?
"You awake?" I heard Nathan ask, muffled through the blanket tossed over my head.
I lowered it and peeked over the edge. Nathan sat on the sofa next to me, holding a plate of bacon, pancakes and eggs.
"Hope you like scrambled," he said. "I wasn't sure whether to go with that or sunny side up."
"I love scrambled eggs." My voice was raspy, my throat parched. I coughed and sat up.
Nathan put a glass of orange juice in one of my hands and a bottle of aspirin in the other.
"I'm sure you've got a killer headache," he said.
The sight of those pills sent alarm bells ringing.
"What time is it?" I asked. "Where's my purse?"
"It's nine in the morning," Nathan said as he handed me my purse that had been laying next to the sofa on the carpet.
With a furtive glance at him, I took out two small pills from a bottle inside my purse and quickly chugged them down with the orange juice.
"Vitamins," I explained, even though he hadn't asked.
Nathan nodded, accepting the explanation.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
It was beginning to feel like my entire life revolved around that single question. How was Becca feeling now?
"I'm sorry," I told him. "I said and did stupid things yesterday. I never should have gotten mad at you."
"It's okay," he said. "You were drunk."
"I wasn't that drunk," I said. "I just saw all that stuff and it reminded me that I'm not the first girl you've brought home and it made me question everything—"
"I said it's okay," he repeated, interrupting me. He took the plate and put it into my hands. "You should eat something."
I lifted the fork and took my first, miserable bite. Just because Nathan said it was okay didn't mean it was. The look in his eyes was distant. His usual easygoing expression was now guarded. There was no hint of the vulnerability I'd seen last night. Gone was the man I'd opened up to. The man who'd opened up to me.
"This is good," I said. "Thank you."
"There's lots more if you're still hungry."
"You should eat, too."
"I already had some."
We'd been reduced to inane small talk. My heart ached that I'd caused this to happen.
But maybe it was for the best.
Things had gotten real during our game of Two Truths and a Lie. Too real. I'd shared things with Nathan I'd never shared with anyone else. He'd done the same with me.
It had been moving. It had been thrilling. It had been scary.
I'd never felt closer to another person than I had in that moment.
"I'm sorry for laying all that shit on you last night," he said. "It's not your job to be my therapist or whatever."
"I'm glad you did," I said, surprising myself. But even as I said it, I knew it was the truth. "It felt good, being able to get those things off my chest."
"Yeah," was all he said in response.
As I continued to eat, we sat in silence, growing more uncomfortable with every moment.
When I'd eaten my last bite, Nathan spoke.
"I'll go get you your clothes. They're dry now. I've got to get down to the studio pretty soon."
I took that as my cue to leave and got dressed. I folded the blanket and left it on the sofa. Nathan was doing the dishes when I picked up my purse and made my way to the front door.
"Thanks for taking care of me last night," I told him.
I waited for him to say something, for him to tease me about being a lightweight, or to make plans for next time.
All I got was a simple, "No problem."
I wanted to say something before leaving, but I didn't know what.
Nathan's impassive face was the last thing I saw before I closed the door to his apartment.
I hated that look. Hated knowing that I might have ruined what we'd had between us, whatever that may have been.
Nathan had shown me kindness, friendship. He'd shown me adventure and excitement. He'd shown me care. He'd shown me tenderness.
And I'd thrown it back in his face.
I hated knowing that I'd hurt him.
Maybe it was for the best, him acting distant. We'd been getting too close. What had started out as just some fun was turning into something more.
Half of me wanted to believe Jessie's warning. Nathan would never intentionally hurt me, but I also knew how unlikely it was for him to ever get serious about someone.
But in those moments we'd shared together, I could almost believe he actually cared for me. Just like I was beginning to care for him.
Nathan Walker was the only person who'd made me feel alive in years.
But none of that mattered.
All that mattered was I'd promised myself I wouldn't let this happen.
For my sake, and for his.
16
My mind went in circles the whole taxi ride home. When I got dropped off, I used the separate entrance to my apartment. I'd told my parents I'd be out late. I hoped they hadn't realized I'd been gone the whole night.
I heard muffled yelling the moment I stepped through the front door.
I crept up the stairs leading to the main floor, dreading what I'd hear. Had they realized I hadn't been home? That could have set one, or both, of them off. Worry would have turned to fear, and the fear would have made them lash out in anger. I had no doubt they might have been fighting over me. That had been the case so many other times.
But with my ear pressed to the door, I could just barely make out the voices. No mention of my name. I caught the name of our next door neighbor. They must have been fighting over the yard again. Our neighbor was a stickler for well-sheared lawns and complained if our grass grew too long. It was my dad's job to mow. He didn't always get around to it. My mom would get mad at him for it.
A kernel of anger made its way into my own chest. It was such a stupid thing to fight over. Who the hell cared about the lawn? There were more important things in this world to worry about.
But I knew those insignificant problems were only a proxy. They couldn't fight over the real reason they were upset. My condition was no one's fault. There was no blame to spread around. But the anxiety and uncertainty lingered and festered. It started with one-off comments, snarky and biting. Eventually something would make them snap. And this was always the fallout.
I needed to go upstairs to see if I could find my other pair of sneakers. The ones I wore were sticky on the soles from spilled alcohol.
I opened the door at the top of the stairs.
The yelling immediately stopped. My mom and my dad swung to face me, their faces both bright red with anger.
My mom plastered a fake smile on her face. "Honey! How was your night? Did you get in late?"
"Not too late," I lied. "I just need my other sneakers. The blue ones."
"I think I saw them in the front hall," my dad said with a cough, clearing his throat. "Let me go get them for you."
My mom kept beaming. "Did you have fun at Tracey's party last night?"
"Yeah."
"I should have gotten her something for her birthday, too," my mom babbled. "She's always looked out for you at that hospital. It would have been a nice gesture. Do you think it's too late?"
"You don't need to give Tracey a birthday gift, Mom."
"Here you go, sweetie," my dad said as he returned with my shoes. "Heading off again?"
"Volunteering."
It wasn'
t a lie. I was going to spend a few hours with the kids. But it wasn't the whole truth.
Today was my doctor's appointment.
"I thought we would have brunch together?" my mom asked.
"Sorry," I said. "I forgot I have an early shift."
"Well, have a good time, then," my mom said. "Let's all have dinner together tonight, okay?"
My dad gave her the side-eye and pressed his lips together firmly. My mom studiously ignored him.
"Sure." I turned and went back downstairs without another word.
I showered and dressed. I put on my hospital volunteer uniform and my sneakers. I double-checked my bag to make sure I had everything, and I left for the hospital.
The entire way there, I forced myself not to think about my mom and dad, or Nathan, or the upcoming appointment. Which left me little else to think about.
Fortunately, Tracey ambushed me as soon as I arrived, distracting me from my thoughts.
"Becca! So glad you're here early. I was just thinking about some ideas for our News Year's in July event."
I'd completely forgotten about that. With everything that had been going on recently, I'd been almost sleepwalking through my usual routines. My mind was constantly distracted by thoughts of cocky rock stars, doctors, and fighting parents.
"You okay?" Tracey asked. "You seem out of it."
"Just stuff on my mind," I told her.
"Is it that cute boy?" she asked in a fake whisper and a sly grin. "I saw you sitting with someone in the cafeteria a while back."
"He's just a friend," I said, not wanting to get into it.
"Is he the kind of friend you might also get naked with?" she asked.
I flushed, which was all the answer she needed.
"He looked like a good catch," she said with a nod. "Does he treat you right?"
"It's not like that," I said. "We're just…"
"Oh," her eyebrows raised. "An FWB thing? That's cool. No need to get serious when you're so young, right?"
Was that all Nathan and I were? Friends with benefits? Maybe at first. But now…
"Oh no," Tracey said dismayed. "What's with that sad look on your face? I'm sorry, should I not have brought it up?"
"I don't know what we are," I said.
"Do you know what you want to be?" she asked.
A smart question.
A question I didn't know the answer to.
"I'm sorry Tracey, I've got to go," I said. "I've actually got an appointment with one of the doctors here before my volunteer shift."
Her look of dismay turned to concern. "Are you okay?"
"Just a check up," I reassured her.
I made my way through the maze of hallways, long familiar with the layout of this hospital. I found myself standing in front of the door to room 306. I forced myself to take a calming breath in and out.
It would have been nice to have someone here with me. My mom and dad would have just made me anxious, and Tracey was nice but she tended to be high strung.
I wished Nathan was with me.
I could almost feel his comforting arm around my shoulder. Could hear his drawling voice in my ear, cracking jokes and making innuendos. It was almost impossible to be scared or worried when I was with Nathan.
I forced myself to open the door and step through. The receptionist smiled at me.
"Becca," she said warmly. "Here for your check up? Just take a seat, we'll get the machines ready."
I perched on the edge of a hard plastic chair. I crossed my legs, jiggling my toe. I didn't know why I was so nervous. This wasn't anything I hadn't been through before. The results would probably be the same as last time.
My heart condition was under control — for now. My prognosis looked good — for now.
It was those last two words that always stuck with me.
I wasn't going to drop dead at any minute.
For now.
17
Usually working at the pet shop was enough to take my mind off things when times were tough. People were always bringing in their dogs while they shopped, so I got to pet a multitude of cute furry animals. The owner donated part of his profit to rescue shelters, so I felt good working there, knowing I was helping make a difference in some small way.
But for the last few days my mind had been elsewhere. Between waiting for the doctor's appointment results, my parents fighting, and Nathan's continued silence…
I hadn't heard from him since that morning I'd left his apartment. No cute texts or offers to go on any adventures. All communication had been cut off.
I knew I'd hurt Nathan and I hated myself for it. I'd apologized, and he'd accepted it, but things were obviously still strained between us.
I tried to convince myself it was for the best. Things had been getting too serious. Slowing things down, even calling it quits, was always going to be how this ended.
Still. Even if there were no long-term prospects, Nathan was fun to be around. He had become something of a good friend. I was in short supply for those, and it seemed as if he was, as well.
I kept on thinking back to Tracey's words. I'd told her I didn't know exactly what to call the relationship between me and Nathan. I told her I didn't know what we were.
Do you know what you want to be?
I hadn't then, and I didn't now.
My mind kept going around in circles like that for days, never able to fully settle on one conclusion.
I spent the entire shift putting away stray products. It felt like a futile effort. Customers took things off shelves and left them in random places, non-stop. I would finally empty my cart of misplaced goods, only to find more of them as I wandered the aisles. It was mind-numbing and repetitive and left me plenty of time to worry about everything and anything.
I paused in the middle of one thought, finally paying attention to my work as I realized I was standing in front of the fancy cat tree I'd told Nathan about that day he'd come shopping. It made me think of Cleo. I wondered how she was. Had she warmed up to Nathan at all, or was she still skittish around him? I hoped she had continued eating after I'd convinced her to come out that one time. Nathan hadn't said anything about her since, so I had to imagine things were going okay.
The entryway bell jingled, signaling another customer. I looked up to welcome them.
Nathan stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets.
I stared at him, almost not believing what I was seeing. He was the last person I'd expected to walk through that door. Was he here to pick up more cat food or toys? Or maybe…
"Is there something wrong with Cleo?" I blurted.
His expression turned puzzled.
"No, she's fine," he said. "Why?"
"Oh, good," I said with relief. "I was worried something might have happened."
"I'm not here because Cleo's sick or anything." His lips twitched into a smile. "I don't need your cat whispering abilities anymore. I think she's finally taken to me. See?" He held out his smooth, calloused hand. "No scratches."
"I'm glad you two are getting along now."
I continued staring, not knowing what else to say. If he wasn't here for Cleo, then that meant he was here to see…
"I was wondering if you're free tonight," Nathan said casually, as if the answer didn't matter to him one way or another. "I've got this coupon for indoor skydiving."
"Since when do rock stars need coupons?" I asked.
"Gael keeps saying he wants to go," Nathan said, ignoring my comment, "but it's expiring soon, so I better use it. What do you think?" He looked at me, almost nervously. "Interested?"
I hesitated. I'd just spent the last few days agonizing over this very thing. Was getting close to Nathan a bad idea? I liked to think he was my friend. But what if we ended up becoming more than that? If things really did turn serious? How would he react when he found out about my heart defect? How would he react when he realized how much care and support I'd need, how much work went into managing this?
Long nights in hospita
ls, test after test, always needing to act as my advocate when I wasn't well enough to speak up, looking after me when I couldn't take care of myself…
I'd never been okay with putting all those expectations on another person.
"I don't know," I said, hedging. "I'm not sure it's really my thing."
"Look," he began, avoiding my eyes, a faint line in his brow. "I know you're probably worried. Those rumors about my sex life, all the people I've slept with, I can't exactly say it's all untrue. But—"
He looked at me straight on, his eyes full of sincerity.
"I promise I will never hurt you," he said. "I like you. I've never felt as close to someone as I've felt with you. At first it was just because you were this fun girl. I was lonely without Gael. And no one else knows my mom is in the hospital. It was nice just talking to someone I didn't have to lie to. But then… I don't know. You've had this sheltered life, but you didn't let it get you down. You're living life the way you want to. I respect the hell out of that. And I don't know what this is between us, but I do know that I like spending time with you. I…" A faint flush crept up along his neck and blossomed in his cheeks. "I like you."
It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. And coming from someone like Nathan, someone who was never serious about anything, who blew everything off with teasing and innuendo, it was almost more than I could take.
My heart ached in my chest. How could I turn him down after he was so honest with me?
I put down the basket of cat toys in my hand and went over to him.
"I like you, too," I told him. "But since you're being so honest with me, I want to be honest with you."
His tilted his head, nonplussed but ready to listen. "I can't imagine you being dishonest about anything in your life."
"You'd be surprised," I said, thinking of all the times I'd lied to my parents to keep them from worrying about me. "I get off work in about half an hour. We can go to that coffee shop down the street."
I took in a deep breath.
"There's a few things I need to tell you."
18
I stared down into my latte nervously, both hands wrapped around the scalding hot styrofoam cup.
Hard Rock Kiss Page 10
