Desire, hot and untamed, burned in those violet blue depths. “Penny isn’t coming home tonight. We could have tonight.”
I wanted him, so, so badly. I closed my eyes, knowing I could never deny him if I looked into his eyes while I said what I had to say. “I have to go, Darwin. This has to be goodbye.”
“Tell me the truth, do you love me?” His voice cracked, and I fought to keep my eyes closed, tears leaking out from under my lids.
I could barely breathe as I slid off his lap, one hand still clinging to his, unable to answer, to tell him that I’d never loved anyone the way I loved him. That I never would love anyone the way I loved him.
“Look at me, look at me and tell me to leave, and I will.”
I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped me, no more than I could stop him from pulling me back into his arms.
“God, please don’t cry, Brielle, it’s breaking my heart.”
Crying, my tears falling harder than the rain outside, I jerked out of his arms, all but fell out of the truck and stumbled away from him. With both of my hands, I covered my mouth, backing away from the blue Chevy and Darwin’s pleading eyes, the rain soaking me through in seconds. His eyes, God, his eyes followed me with every step I took away from him.
“Brielle … .”
I lowered my hands, and put one on the edge of the open car door, gripped it tight enough to feel it bite into my hand.
“You have to go.” That was what I said, but what I meant was ‘I love you, more than you could ever know’. I pushed the door shut, firmly latching it. He hadn’t moved, staring up at me from where he’d been reaching for me even in that moment. In that last moment.
Before my traitorous heart betrayed me again, I turned and bolted for the building, hearing all too clearly the sound of his truck starting up, pulling away from the curb, and taking Darwin forever out of my life.
11
DAWN CAME BRIGHT, cheerful, and too damn early. I’d barely slept, unable to stop crying. All night I’d swung in my decision. To marry Victor or not. To tell Darwin, ‘Screw the rest of them. I want you in my life.’ There was no path that would be easy, no choice that was clear; I only knew that the right choice, the one that would leave others’ hearts intact, was shredding mine with every passing second.
Exhausted, I knew I would be in no shape to drive to Celia’s and Frank’s house for my hair and nails, and while I didn’t know if I’d go through with it, I knew that I had to face them either way. I picked up my phone to text Penny and saw that there was a text for me.
From Darwin.
I love you. I’m coming back for you. Wait for me.
Oh my God. When had he sent this? I checked the time. There was no time stamp on it, the damn cheap-ass phone had glitched again. I clutched a hand around my stomach. Was he coming now?
Would I go with him? Run away, live a life that may not be good the way Nana had wanted for me, but a life that would give me Darwin to wake up next to every day? To know that he would be there with me, smiling at me, laughing with me, loving me? Holding me at night, wiping away my tears?
The decision flowed through me, understanding finally, finally dawning that we’d been brought together for a reason. That there was no way we could feel this strongly and not be together, despite all the odds.
Damn it, yes! I ran through Penny’s apartment and for the first time in months, I was completely at peace. My anxiety was gone; my heart was light, ready to fly. I grabbed one of Penny’s knock off Gucci bags, slammed it full of Penny’s clothes knowing she wouldn’t mind, toiletries, whatever I would need. I texted him back, laughing, crying, smiling.
I love you too. I’m here. Waiting for you.
Nana may have been right, but there were exceptions to every rule. Darwin was my exception; he was my 98%. We would figure this out; we would find a way to be together. No matter what happened, we’d have each other.
Bag packed, I ran down the stairs, checking my phone every few seconds, unable to believe the difference a single night could make. I touched my lips, reliving the kiss, feeling the heat and passion again, my body aching as I leaned against the wall of the building, smiling up into the sky.
I checked my phone again. No doubt he couldn’t text back if he was driving. I stuffed the phone into my back pocket.
As I waited, Penny pulled up, her eyebrows rising as she took me in. “Is that my bag?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you have a packed bag with you?” But as she asked the question, her eyes lit up. “OH MY GOD!”
I nodded, the unspoken language of friends once more in play between us. “He’s on his way.”
Penny screamed, dancing toward me. “When, when will he be here? Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re actually … oh my god, your mom is going to be PISSED!”
“I know. I don’t care.”
“Listen. I’ll take you to your place. Victor will be at the church already.”
Horror flickered through me. “The church … what if that’s where Darwin is headed?”
She fisted her hands in the air. “Oh, shit. Come on!”
We piled into her car, and Penny cranked the wheel, doing a completely illegal U-turn that had us both screaming with laughter.
“I think I love, Darwin,” she shouted as she wove in and out of traffic. “He brought my friend back from near death!”
I laughed, unable to deny it. Darwin had stirred things in me I’d buried and tried to forget. That life could be worth living, that a donut and a sycamore tree could be the best part of your day, and maybe even your life, if you were with the right person.
We careened into the church parking lot, but there was no blue Chevy. Shit. I checked my phone. Nothing. I texted him, fingers shaking with adrenaline, the spelling was all over the place.
I’m at the churh. I’m gong to tell Vic I’m not marying him. Where should I meet u?
Without warning, Victor was at my door, opening it, pulling me out and into a hug. “Baby, are you okay?”
I pushed out of his arms, shaking my head. “Victor, please. I need to—”
“I didn’t want you to be alone when I told you, that’s why I didn’t call,” he said, his voice softening, his hands squeezing my arms.
“What are you talking about?” I’d seen this look before, when my mom sat me down to tell me my nana had died.
“Is it your dad? Is he okay?” I knew that Robert’s heart condition had worsened lately, what if with the stress of the wedding and that stupid stunt my mom pulled had finally pushed him over the edge?
“No, Baby, it isn’t my dad. I think we should go inside.” He started to turn me toward the church just as someone came running out of the building, her dark brown hair streaming behind her.
Fiona saw me and let out a scream that chilled my blood and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my heart and soul what Victor was going to say. I pushed him away, walked in a daze toward Fiona as she ran to me, collapsing in my arms.
“He’s gone, dead. Oh my god, Bri, how can I go on? Darwin!” She screamed his name, over and over, but all I could hear was my voice the night before, whispering his name as his lips branded mine, as our hearts strained toward one another. How I hadn’t told him that I’d loved him. That I’d done the right thing sending him away.
There was nothing I could say, no words that wouldn’t be a lie. He hadn’t loved her, she’d tricked him into marrying her and he’d stayed for the same reason I had been about to marry Victor, because he was a good guy who made the right choices, did the right things. He was responsible to a fault. And now he was dead?
She didn’t deserve him in life, and she didn’t deserve him in death. But there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. He’d trusted me with the truth; I wouldn’t break that trust, not even now.
Fiona’s parents pried her out of my arms and I stood there in the parking lot, watched her get dragged away, knowing that I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down, that no one, except maybe Penn
y, would understand why … .
The Upshaws’ voices reached me. Her mother spoke first. “I told you we shouldn’t have brought her here, that girl’s wedding is ruined.”
Mr. Upshaw shook his head. “But Fiona said she had to tell Brielle herself, that no one else could tell her.”
Fiona had made sure she was the one to break the news to me. On my wedding day.
“We’ll postpone the wedding if you want,” Victor said, his voice in my ear as he hugged me from behind. With a violence I didn’t know I had in me, I shoved him away from me, my hair coming out of its loose ponytail, whipping around my face like a wild woman.
“It’s off, Victor. There is no postponing it. There is no rescheduling it. It’s off. That’s what I came to tell you.” I spun and was running before I thought better of it, ignored everyone calling after me. I bolted across the lawn and along the road, heading for the highway, toward where I knew Darwin had been last.
He’d been texting me, he’d turned around to come back for me last night. If I’d let him stay, we’d be gone now, run away together. He’d be kissing me; I’d be holding him. I let out a scream as I ran, unable to hold it in any longer, my breath hitching, stopping, starting again. I stumbled, fell to my knees, got up and ran again. Pain, like a forest fire unchecked, raged through my body, burned me from the inside out. Charring my insides, dulling my ability to think other than to get to where Darwin was. It had to be a ruse; he’d faked his death to get away from Fiona. Yes, that was it. This was a way out of his marriage.
I would get to him, I would hold him tight and he’d kiss away the pain, heal the burn in my soul. Be the balm to my wounds. I fell again when I reached the highway, the concrete peeling away the skin on my palms. I saw the blood, but felt nothing except the pounding tempo of my too fast beating heart.
I think Penny picked me up. I only knew I was suddenly in a car, and then we were at the accident. Her voice, no matter what the words were, couldn’t reach me; like a foreign language, there was nothing she could say that I would understand. This couldn’t be happening. I had to believe Darwin would be there, waiting for me. He’d said he’d be waiting for me.
Please, God, don’t take him from me now.
Yellow tape, the shattered Chevy and chunks of metal strewn across the highway waited for us. The traffic flowed around what was left of the wreck as the police measured and counted. Bits and pieces that made up the accident were still being discussed, and pointed at hours later. As if a life hadn’t been lost, as if there was nothing more than a wrecked truck on the side of the road. There was no Darwin, no flashing dimple or winking eyes. Hands and a voice pulled at me, as if to bring me back from the madness the pain had created. There was no coming back; I could feel it stealing me away. I yanked away from whoever held me, ran across traffic, felt the brush of a car against my arm, the blow of a horn, and then I was through the yellow tape. A pool of dried blood, partially hidden under a portion of blue metal, pieces of leather seats on the edge of the road, no Darwin. The blood though, it was his, I knew it was and the madness snapped back on me like a rubber band pulled too tight, breaking as it let go.
Someone was screaming, someone was screaming his name, shrieking it to the sky, her voice breaking on the syllables as sobs seemed to be ripped out of her. I fell to my knees, glass burrowed into my skin through my jeans, acknowledged but not truly felt. The shrieking wouldn’t stop; hands were on my shoulders, holding me tight as I rocked, my body, heart, and mind disconnected from the world. Darwin couldn’t be gone. The world was not so cruel as to take the one man I’d ever loved, the one man who made my heart leap, the one man who didn’t try to make me someone I wasn’t, was it? No, he said he would come for me; I would wait for him. If I had to wait a thousand lifetimes, I would wait for him. He had my heart, took it with him, wherever he’d gone.
Please, God, this can’t be. You can’t have him yet. Did I say the words out loud? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that slowly, the world came back into focus, hours, minutes had passed, I didn’t know. Traffic flowed around us, the cleanup workers didn’t stare, just kept on sweeping up the wreckage, as if seeing a woman break down was the norm for them. I shuddered, gorge rising. I leaned to one side, my meager breakfast spewing on the pavement.
A hand brushed my forehead. “Brielle, please,” Penny choked on her tears, and I turned my head to see the fear and pain in her face. “Please, we have to go, you can’t be here. It isn’t safe. They’re taking down the caution tape.”
She was right, we’d been there long enough for the clean up crew to clear away what was left of the vehicles and sweep away the broken glass; they were indeed taking down the caution tape.
This was it, Darwin wasn’t coming back. It wasn’t a ruse, he wasn’t hiding from Fiona. He was gone.
“I killed him, Penny, I killed him. This is all my fault.” My words were sluggish with tears. The pain escaped me, coated my tongue, the consonants and vowels I spoke reeked of a shattered heart.
“Hush, that’s not true. He loved you and you loved him. You didn’t do this.” Her lips trembled, turned downward as she cried with me, her tears mingling with mine as they slid down my cheek.
I let her pull me to my feet, let her guide me back to the car. Because she was right, we couldn’t be there. No one could know what was between Darwin and me. I didn’t want people to think badly of him, for his last legacy to be that he was going to leave Fiona, that he was going to desert her. He deserved to be remembered for the amazing man he was. And always would be.
I couldn’t stop thinking, though, couldn’t stop the truth of his death from spinning a web of barbed wire into my heart. With each pulse, it bled out a little more, emptying me of anything.
I’d done the right thing; I’d sent him away from me. I’d been what my nana had always wanted me to be. I was the good girl; I’d made the right choice.
And it had killed Darwin.
12
THE ACCIDENT HAD happened on the main highway. Darwin had been doing an illegal U-turn across the highway in the blinding rain and the semi-truck had hit his Chevy, splintering it like matchsticks. With the bad rain and the fact that there had been a death, the police had taken their time collecting evidence so they could decide who was at fault and whether or not charges would be pressed. There was a picture in the paper, blue tarps and yellow tape blocking the scene off. I’d been there and yet I couldn’t recall the blue tarps. Just the yellow tape. That and the chunks of the Chevy scattered all over the highway. The paper said he’d died instantly, he likely never even knew what hit him. Even having seen it in person, I could barely look at the pictures.
Thinking beyond the pain of the empty hole inside my body was impossible; there was no cure, no quick fix. Listening to the details of Darwin’s death didn’t make it more real. No, I kept waiting to see him walk into the coffee shop, dimple winking at me, eyes sparkling with laughter. I waited for him there for the first few days, a plate of donuts and a coffee in his spot. Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
Knowing it was all a lie. Knowing that he was gone, and unable to accept it.
Numb, I forced myself to do what I had to. To pay my respects, to act as if I’d lost a friend and not my entire heart and soul and anything I’d ever hoped for in my life. The barbed wire pain tightened with each day that passed, digging deeper into my heart, as if it would squeeze all I felt into submission.
The funeral was held a week later, and his ashes were spread by the sycamore tree; he was gone. He was gone and I couldn’t even fathom how this had happened. Fiona was drugged to the gills, practically comatose for the entire funeral. She didn’t have it in her to be strong for him, even now. I hated her for it, for being able to crash and burn and give into her grief, and I hated her more that she couldn’t give him his due respect. That he’d put up with her for so many years and she couldn’t even … .
Penny went with me to the funeral, cried for me because I couldn’
t without the tears turning into an unstoppable river of grief. Because we both knew that if I was a sobbing mess, people would wonder. What with my wedding being cancelled on the same day Darwin was killed, the rumors floated, thick as pollen in the spring over the reasons why. Not that I cared. I was too late with my understanding of everything I’d given up, but I refused to go back to that doormat I’d become, that I’d let others walk on. I wouldn’t give into them any longer. This was Darwin’s final gift to me; he’d opened my eyes. He’d shown me what I could have if I fought for it. The person I wanted to be, not the person everyone else wanted me to be.
I gripped my purse as I walked back to my car after the funeral, longing to be home where I could finally let the tears flow, where I could sob until the last of my breath left my body, and a part of me hoped that I would follow Darwin down that last dark highway.
The funeral was over without fanfare, without any true understanding of what the world had lost, just like that, a few hours of recognition, tea and cake, a picture of him etched forever into the agenda handed out at the beginning, and Darwin’s life was shelved away. Done, gone without a whimper. Somehow, I was supposed to just go on with my life. Pretend like I hadn’t ever known him, hadn’t felt the love he had for me, hadn’t known that we should have been together.
“Heard you aren’t going to Indianapolis now.”
I turned to see Dr. Winston, dressed in a dark suit and tie, walking toward me. His eyes saw far more than I wanted him too, but I held my ground, my chin trembling.
“No, I’m not.” Poor Victor had left the day after our cancelled wedding, still begging me to reconsider. There had been no question of going with him or not. Victor and I had been done the moment I met Darwin, I just hadn’t known it then.
“I haven’t filled your position yet. You could have your job back, considering the circumstances.”
I smiled at him, but it was false, a pretend smile that was pasted on to make people believe I wasn’t hurting, when in reality I could feel the shards of what had been my heart piercing me from the inside, slowly bleeding me to death. “Thank you. I’m not sure what I’m doing now. But I’ll consider it.”
Ninety-Eight (Contemporary Romance) Page 12
