“Come, it’s something your friends don’t need to see.” She took my hand and I glanced back at my friends. Penny waggled her eyebrows at me. Strawberry blonde curls bounced, as she brandished a knife and sliced deep into the birthday cake. “Don’t be long or we’ll eat it without you!”
I laughed at her, then ‘shot’ her with my fingers. Clutching her stomach, Penny stumbled away from the cake, laughter pealing out of her. “Okay, okay. We’ll wait.”
Nana led me from the kitchen, her steps shuffling and her feet barely lifting from the ground in her scuffed and battered slippers. I’d bought her new ones for Christmas, but she wouldn’t wear them. Said they felt too nice on her old feet. Whatever that meant.
We went to the sitting room, and she shuffled to the center table, her trembling fingers picking up a pink envelope. Smiling, she handed it to me.
“You need this, to remind you when I’m gone.”
“Nana, don’t talk like that,” I whispered, my throat tightening. I didn’t want to think about my nana dying, especially not on my birthday.
“Pshaw. Don’t be foolish; death comes to everyone. I’ve had a long life, and you are everything I could have hoped for in a granddaughter.” She reached out and brushed her fingers along my cheek, the feathery light touch of her skin cool on mine.
I swallowed hard, not wanting this, not now. Not ever. I hated goodbyes more than anything else. Hated that I would likely have to say a very hard goodbye soon.
“Go on now, open it up.” She was still smiling, her eyes crinkling heavily around the corners.
I cracked the seal on the envelope, feeling the weight of something inside of it. Coins maybe? Tipping the envelope, a ring fell out and onto my waiting palm.
Gold rimmed, the center was sterling silver etched in what looked like arrowheads all the way around.
Nana kissed my cheek, the smell of baby powder enveloping me. “So it will always point you in the right direction, my girl.”
I slid the ring onto my left thumb, emotions swamping me. I didn’t read the card then, but I read it later. And from the moment I opened the card, how I viewed my life from that moment forward shifted.
Seven years later, and still I kept that damn card. Now, that I’d had the chance to love Darwin, and had the chance to see how strong a love was possible, I was not sure how grateful I really was for Nana’s advice. There had been days in my life that I hated her for making me see how things really were. For not leaving me even the ability to pretend that there was more than the jaded view I now had on the world. I looked down at the letter now, as an adult who’d actually known love. The pink envelope was faded and had a tear in one corner. Nana’s hand writing of my name across the back was as bold as her personality. Nana had died not long after she’d given the letter to me—her final gift—both a blessing and a curse.
Every birthday for ten years I had opened it, re-read it—but not the last two birthdays, which had been spent in Europe with Penny. Not since Darwin had died.
In the past, I’d reminded myself that Nana was right, no matter what I dreamed about. My eyes skimmed the words, knowing them by heart, but I needed to see Nana’s handwriting. To remind myself that this was what she wanted me to know, more than anything else. These were her most precious words to share with me. And I was turning my back on them for a second time.
My dearest Brielle,
You are of an age now that you can no longer cling to silly girlish fantasies. There is no place for them in you if you want to have a good life. A happy life.
Don’t be a stupid girl. Not that, never that.
You are a good girl. Don’t ever change that. There is no room for mistakes in this world, they will swallow you whole, child. A single mistake can cost you everything you hold dear. I should know.
I will tell you now that there is no soul mate waiting for you, no man that will be your ‘everything’. That is a lie that movies and books teach. The best you can hope for is a man who will be 60% right for you. You’ll never find anyone better than that. So don’t waste your life looking for what doesn’t exist. Be a good girl, make good choices, marry a good boy. Don’t think you’ll be different because you won’t.
I want nothing but happiness for you, Brielle, nothing but good things. But you won’t find either if you spend your life searching for an impossible dream.
I closed my eyes, her words sinking into me as if for the first time.
A single deep breath of air escaped me, and then I tucked the letter back inside the pink envelope and back into the box. She had been right about most men, no matter how many times I might have wished it otherwise. From that moment on, I’d looked at the world with new eyes, eyes that saw through the silly dreams that would never be.
Nana’s rules had cost me Darwin. And if I wasn’t careful, they’d cost me Micah too. Something about being back here, back home, and I was losing myself to the old Brielle. I couldn’t let that happen.
“You were wrong, Nana. I would do it all again, but I wouldn’t listen to your rules,” I said, my fingers tracing her face on the picture. “I would throw your rules out and follow my heart.”
Penny plopped down on the couch beside me. “And why aren’t you doing that now, exactly?”
I shrugged. “It has to go both ways. Darwin loved me, was willing to leave her to be with me. Micah lied to me about his relationship with Fiona. He said she was just his boss, but she wasn’t. He’d almost married her himself.”
Penny crossed her legs and leaned closer to me. “Fiona’s wedding is in two days; once she’s married she’ll have to leave you alone. Hell, if what you said about James is true, you could probably get him to make her leave you and Micah alone.”
That was true, but I didn’t like Penny saying it, not when I knew the kind of man James was. Not when I knew that James would become little Darwin’s father. I shuddered.
“I’m not giving up on him, I’m just—”
“Being the old Brielle who let people push her around?”
I glared at her. “No. Never that again. Just being cautious. That’s all.”
She didn’t pester me after that, left me to my own devices. A long Friday night with nothing to do but wait for the wedding on Sunday; the wedding, which I was invited to but wouldn’t be attending.
Saturday, I stayed in bed as long as I could, finally giving up and packing a small bag with a blanket, bottle of water, a couple of protein bars, a notebook, and a pen.
“Where are you going?” Penny lifted her eyes from painting her toenails a screaming bright red.
“I just need to be alone for awhile. I need to figure out what I’m going to do.”
I shut the door behind me and headed to the one place that would hold me safe. The place where my heart resided and always would; maybe I could find some answers to the tangle of my emotions wrapped up inside my chest. Intellectually, I knew I should be happy Fiona was getting married to James, which would leave the way open for me and Micah. Yet I couldn’t put little Darwin’s face and oh-so-familiar-eyes from my mind. What would his life be like with a father like James?
I shuddered; that fate I knew all too well. A life of being ridiculed and belittled, of having his mother side with James and put little Darwin aside because he wasn’t James’ boy.
For that reason, I couldn’t be totally happy without feeling an immense weight of guilt. Darwin, my Darwin, wouldn’t have wanted that kind of life for his boy. I knew that. And so I grieved for a life lost to Fiona’s machinations.
I just couldn’t be happy when I knew that my happiness was at the cost of a young boy’s entire future.
Hitching a ride to the back roads, I made my way on foot to the sycamore tree, crossing properties, climbing fences, seeing only the destination. Needing to be close to Darwin. Maybe hoping for some inspiration.
But when I got there, I stared toward the farm; though I couldn’t see it, I knew that James was there with Fiona and little Darwin.
I ha
d to at least try, for Darwin’s sake. It’s what he would want.
The walk to the farm through the fields was easy, warm, pleasant. But inside, I was twisted up with anxiety. I didn’t want to start a fight, but I had to try and get Fiona to see that James was not the nice guy she thought he was.
When I climbed the last fence and hopped down from the top rung, I nearly turned back. There were cars everywhere; it must have been some sort of rehearsal dinner. I licked my lips and ran my hands through my hair. Maybe this was good. Fiona would be less likely to freak out in front of a large group of people, wouldn’t she?
I thought about her ambushing me and Micah. That had been a hand-picked number of people. This was different. I had to believe it.
I made my way to the barn, which was lit up, the sounds of music and a lot of people spilling out of it. Adding to that was the more than occasional sound of a horse neighing, stamping and kicking the walls. The temperamental horses wouldn’t be used to all that noise.
Fiona really was an idiot. Of all the places she could have held the rehearsal dinner, why would she have it in the main barn?
To make herself look good. Yeah, that was Fiona. I rounded the edge of the barn and walked in through the wide open doors. Fiona had her back to me, but she was easy to spot in ridiculously high heels and a dress James would have to help her out of at the end of the night. Bright pink this time, and not glittery, but it looked to be some sort of shrink-wrap concoction. I shook my head.
Making my way through the throng of people, I tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, a smile on her face that faltered only a little at the edges when she saw me.
“Oh. Brielle. I’m surprised to see you here.”
I grit my teeth and smiled back. “I need to speak with you.”
“I don’t think this is a good time.”
I held up a hand to stall her. “Five minutes. Just give me five minutes and then I’ll go.”
James moved through the crowd toward us, a smile almost from ear to ear. When he got close, I could see the dull glaze over his eyes and the reek of alcohol was intense, even a few feet away.
“Pretty, pretty, Brielle. You came to dance with us?” He leaned toward me, and I stepped back, wished I could slap him and get away with it.
Fiona stuck her arm through mine taking me back to the one dinner we’d had together. “No, just going to have some girl chat.”
She headed toward the far end of the barn where the tack room was hidden in the shadows. I opened the door and she walked in ahead of me.
“Five minutes, and I’m only doing this so you won’t make a fucking scene.”
She snarled at me as she spun, teetering for a second on her ridiculously high heels.
I put a hand out to steady her. “Scenes are your department, Fiona.”
She jerked her arm away from me. “What do you want then?”
I took a deep breath and blurted it out. “James is hurting little Darwin.”
With a speed that shocked me, she snapped a hand out and slapped me across the face. “How dare you.”
Eyes bugging out, I put a hand to my stinging cheek and forged ahead. No point in drawing back now. “He’s mean, Fiona. Just like my stepfather was mean to me. Those fingerprints on his arms, what did you think those were? Marks left from a hug? And he was mean to your little boy when I was at your house, you just didn’t see it. I know what its like to live with a stepfather who treats you like shit. I know what it’s like to have a mother turn a blind eye to his treatment of his stepchild. Trust me when I tell you that little Darwin will not have a happy life if you marry James and just pretend that he’s some great guy when he isn’t.”
Her jaw twitched, and there was a moment where I thought she would buckle. Her shoulders sagged and her eyes lowered. But in a split second that was gone. “This wouldn’t even be a discussion if you’d left Micah alone. Micah is my boy’s real father, but you—”
The door flung open and James stood there, glowering at us. He glared first at me, and then swung his gaze to Fiona. “I need to speak with you. Now.”
God help me, I felt bad for her when she crumbled under his gaze. I grabbed her arms and gave her a light shake. “What, he treats you like shit too? Fiona, you are better than this.”
James grabbed my shoulders and yanked me backward. “You weren’t invited. Get out before I call the police.”
Fiona lifted her chin, whatever weakness I’d seen completely gone. “You heard him, get out, you little whore.”
I backed out of the room, but didn’t shut the door. I didn’t have to; James slammed it behind me.
Moving quickly, I slipped out the back of the barn and headed back toward the sycamore tree. “I tried, Darwin, I tried.” I felt better for having said my piece to Fiona, even if she didn’t listen, even if I was going to have a swollen cheek, at least she knew what I’d seen. And I didn’t doubt that she knew James was a bastard. Her reaction told me that much. That it was her decision to stay with him anyway told me just what was important to her.
When I got back to the tree, I spread my blanket under it, and sat down with my back to the trunk, so I could stare out across the fields. The sun was just starting to set, the colors of the sky shifted from bright blue to a pink that lit the heavens up. I put a hand to my cheek, which was still rather hot and tender to the touch. My mind wouldn’t still, though; despite the serene beauty around me, it was like a tornado inside my head.
Fate, karma, whatever it was that had taken over my life, obviously didn’t want me to be happy, didn’t want the men I loved to be happy. Now I’d known a love like Darwin’s that showed me how to live, made my heart feel as though it would burst out of my chest, a love that even in death hadn’t diminished; and I’d known a love like Micah’s. A love that burned hot, a passion that couldn’t be denied even when we tried, a love that came on fast and hard and wouldn’t untangle itself from me, even though I knew that he had to stay here for little Darwin. That he could be the one place the boy could turn to for safety. How could I stay here with him, be so close to Fiona, so close to where everything had happened between me and Darwin? Or was I just being stupid, and running away before I ever really let myself find out if I was strong enough to take it?
That was it; my heart couldn’t handle any more hurt. I was done. I knew without a doubt that there would be no more men in my life, regardless of how this fell out. I’d had two, two amazing men who taught me about love, taught me to understand my own heart better, to listen to its prompting.
I couldn’t ask for anything more.
I was so zoned out in my own thoughts, I didn’t here the sound of his footsteps, and when he touched my arms, I jerked, whacking my head into the tree trunk.
Micah’s eyes were full of surprise. “What are you doing here?”
I rubbed the back of my head. “I just came to wait out the wedding. Maybe write some miserably bad poetry.” I pointed at the notebook peeking out of my bag. “And I had a talk with Fiona.” I rubbed at my cheek and gave him a small smile.
His eyebrows shot up. “You had a talk … .”
“Yeah. I saw the marks on little Darwin’s arms, and James treated him badly that night we were there for dinner. Not like he was just having a bad day, but bad. Like abusive.”
Micah shook his head. “I have to talk to Fiona; I thought something was going on, but James is careful around me. He knows she’d leave him in an instant—”
“If you were to crook your finger at her,” I finished for him, tried not to feel angry. He wasn’t mine, never had been.
“Brielle, I’m sorry. I’ve made so many mistakes. I don’t want to make another one. But you’re here, when you weren’t supposed to be. I have to think that this moment was meant to be.” He lifted his hand and touched my cheek gently, his callouses rough against my skin. “I need something from you.”
“Anything,” I whispered, knowing it was the truth, feeling the heat grow and spiral up between us, more than jus
t a hint of the fire waiting to explode. He could ask anything of me and I would give it. He had my heart, what was left of it was his. There was nothing left for anyone else.
“You have every reason to hate me, for not telling you about Fiona. For not telling you I had Darwin’s heart, and I understand that.” He paused, took a breath and then said, “Kiss me goodbye, give me that much, a final moment to remember.”
I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped me, and he circled his arms around me, rocked me against his chest. My ear pressed against him, his heartbeat thundering, louder than the noises around us.
“A million times, yes, but not for a goodbye.” I tipped my face up to his.
There was no hesitation in him; he leaned into me, lips crushing against mine. I slid my arms around him as he lowered me to the blanket. His hands worked my shirt up over my head, and his kisses slid down along my neck, kissed my collarbone, worked his way along my shoulders to the tops of my arm.
No words were needed; this was our moment. Our time. Nothing would come between us, not even the past specter of a love I’d never forget. He sat up, and I followed him, on my knees, facing him.
Button by button, I undid his shirt, baring his chest. Lightly dusted with jet black hair that trailed down to the waistband of his jeans, I ran my hands over his pecs, pausing at the scar between them, where the doctors had cracked his sternum and given him Darwin’s heart. I wanted to pause there, to let my hand hover, to see if I could feel Darwin. But this wasn’t the time for that.
I lifted my eyes to his, slid my hands lower and tugged at his belt, working it free. He slid out of his jeans, kicked off his boots and again, lowered me to the blanket. I reached up, grabbed his head and pulled his mouth to mine, hungry for him. Starved for so long from the things my heart wanted, I couldn’t get enough of him, of everything he represented. The feel and taste of his body meshing with mine was a heady drug I was addicted to before ever taking a single sip.
Ninety-Eight (Contemporary Romance) Page 20
