I wanted to ask if everyone will make plans to come to the hearing on September 30 while there’s still plenty of time. The only thing the corrupt politicians in this state care about is people watching them. If the Arkansas Supreme Court sees how many people care about this case they may think twice about trying to sweep it under the rug. Your presence can make a huge difference. It sends a message. If you can come, please do. We need a packed house. This is the final stretch, and things will begin to move very quickly once September arrives. We need you there, folks. Please come.
JUNE 5
The governor has now put together some sort of committee to figure out how the state can save money on prison costs. Perhaps it would help if they stopped spending millions of dollars to keep this case covered up. They’re literally spending millions of dollars in taxpayers’ money just to keep from having to admit they made a mistake.
Instead of doing what’s right, they’ll just cut the food budget again. That’s what they usually do. They reduce the number of calories each person gets per day. They’ve also decided we’re no longer allowed to have headphones. They used to sell us headphones for about thirty dollars, and that’s how you listened to music. Unfortunately, one of the guards’ favorite things to do was stomp on the headphones when they came into a cell. Prisoners began filing claims in small claims court, and the guards were being forced to pay for the headphones. Instead of telling the guards to stop maliciously destroying what little property people have, the prison just said no more headphones.
That’s their answer to everything. Everything is always the prisoners’ fault, no matter what. I’ve even seen them try to imply it was a prisoner’s fault for being raped by a sadistic, homosexual guard.
JUNE 22
I’ve been told there’s a picture of Axl Rose on the Internet wearing a WM3 T-shirt. That made my month. Everyone who knows me is well aware that I believe there never has been and never will be another band that even comes close to Guns N’ Roses. There have been months at a time when I’ve listened to nothing but GNR. I don’t even care who else is in the band, as long as Axl is singing. When I was a kid I used to wear GNR T-shirts until they disintegrated, which makes it all the more amazing to me that Axl Rose has a WM3 shirt. Thinking about it makes me smile. It feels like getting exactly what you wanted on your birthday.
JUNE 29
Two of the men on Death Row recently had to be shipped to an insane asylum. In these politically correct times, they’re no longer called insane asylums, though. They’re now called “long-term treatment facilities,” even though a padded room is a padded room, no matter what name you stick on it. Both men snapped and went stark raving nuts. They actually went nuts years ago, but it took a while before a judge could be convinced to even look at them. That happens all the time in here. I once saw a man go nuts and start punching the wall until both his fists were broken and bloody. They simply bandaged his hands and sealed him back up in a cell.
The law says the state cannot execute the insane or the mentally retarded, but it’s still done quite often. The prosecutors just get an “expert” to testify that the guy is okay. They’ve killed guys who had no idea they were even being killed. The most morally repugnant execution Arkansas has carried out so far involved a man who had shot himself in the head. He only managed to give himself a lobotomy with a bullet. When asked what he wanted for a last meal, he said, “Pie.” He ate half the pie, then wrapped the other half up to save for after his execution. He couldn’t even be made to understand that he wouldn’t be able to finish the pie after his death.
These are the kinds of things I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think the biggest challenge in life is overcoming the urge to recoil in horror when you see the blackness that lies slightly beneath the skin of the world.
AUGUST 16
Today I received a letter in the mail from Vice President Joe Biden. It was asking for money. The essence of the letter is that the Republicans are going to take over the Senate and violate my civil rights if I don’t donate money. He says that even if I can only send $5 it would help. I had to look at the envelope three times just to ensure that it was actually sent to me and I hadn’t accidentally received someone else’s mail. This is insanity. I considered writing back and informing him that my entire existence has been violated, but he could help by donating a few dollars to my fund. I decided against it. The last thing I need is to be on some Secret Service watch list.
SEPTEMBER 11
Every so often the wind carries the radio signal of a classic country station to the prison, and I feel like I’ll lose my mind. It’s like hearing the sound track to my early childhood. My parents listened to this music all the time, so it constantly filled our home. Sometimes I’ll hear Waylon Jennings’s voice and for a split second the sensation of being twelve years old is so overwhelming it feels like I’m short-circuiting. When I hear that Eddie Rabbitt song “Rocky Mountain Music,” it takes all my will to keep from sobbing or screaming. All of that old music—Willie Nelson, Conway Twitty, Dolly Parton—when I hear it I feel like my heart is being squeezed in a fist. It hurts me beyond words, but I won’t be able to stop listening. I’ll sit frozen, listening and remembering, for as long as it lasts. George Jones. Johnny Cash. Mickey Gilley. It’s like drowning in some kind of beautiful, velvet pool of despair. Then the wind shifts direction and it’s gone again, the spell broken. I’ll completely forget about it until the next time it happens, which could be several months.
SEPTEMBER 20
There are only three days left of Virgo, and then we move into Libra. Libra is ruled by the archangel Zuriel, which I think is an excellent sign for the upcoming hearing. Zuriel is the archangel you call on when you are in need of balance, fairness, or help with any kind of legal matter. I never even thought about the fact that the hearing would take place under the time ruled by her until now. And now I’m even more excited about the prospect of a fair hearing. I really do have a good feeling about this hearing. If you would have asked me a year ago I would have said there’s no chance in hell of the Arkansas Supreme Court doing anything to help us in any way. I don’t feel that way now. It’s nothing concrete that I can put my finger on; it’s just something in the air. Maybe it’s Zuriel.
In addition to the archangels of the zodiac, there are also archangels that oversee the seasons. Raphael presides over spring, Michael over summer, Gabriel over autumn, and Uriel over winter. That means this week we move out of Michael’s season and into Gabriel’s. Not only does Gabriel rule autumn, she’s also over the cups suit in the tarot deck and is the archangel of emotions. Anytime a lot of cups cards come up in a person’s tarot reading you know that Gabriel’s energy is very active in that person’s life.
It’s nine days until the Feast of the Archangels and ten days until the hearing.
SEPTEMBER 30
Today was the hearing before the Arkansas Supreme Court. I haven’t heard all the details yet, but I’ve been told it went well.
I’m exhausted. The guards spent the day doing their best to destroy everything in my cell. They took my books, my journal, my shoes, and left a pile of destruction behind. I was told it’s because the prison is tired of me doing interviews. Every time a camera crew comes in here it’s another chance they’ll catch a glimpse of what goes on back here. That makes the officials extremely uneasy, so they decided to teach me a lesson. I guess they want me to lie quietly on my concrete slab while they’re trying to kill me. I’m trying to look on the bright side—since I have nothing to read, I have more time to meditate.
I’m very curious to hear all about how the hearing went and what happens next. I hope the court won’t take too long to make a decision. Seventeen years is long enough.
I’ll write more soon. Right now I’m just tired beyond words.
Twenty-seven
The oral argument, when it finally happened, was a mob scene. I watched on the news, seeing hundreds turn out for the event from nearby and as far a
way as Australia. I was granted a full evidentiary hearing—after which we would be going back down to circuit court for a new trial with the old evidence and all the new evidence, without a jury, and with a new judge.
OCTOBER 5
The days are passing so quickly. This is the only time of year when I want to slow time down. I spend the entire year trying to get here as fast as I can, then once I’m here I want to slam on the brakes. I’m beginning to have those moments when the feel of autumn is so strong it drowns out everything else. Lately it’s been making me think about the perfect sound track for a Halloween party.
The top of any Halloween music list has to be the theme song from the movie Halloween; right on its heels is “Pet Sematary” by the Ramones. For some reason I’ve always equated the old Van Morrison song “Moondance” with Halloween, too. I love that song. “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus is an October classic, as well as anything by Type O Negative. And Midnight Syndicate. If you’ve never heard anything by Midnight Syndicate, look them up right this moment. If you distilled the raw essence of every spooky story you ever heard, you would have Midnight Syndicate. I have a friend who swears by them, believing them to be a vital element of any Halloween party. To finish off the list you must have “The Lyre of Orpheus” by Nick Cave and “I Feel Alright” by Steve Earle.
Strangely enough, I’ve already heard the first Christmas song of the season. It was the one by Paul McCartney—“Wonderful Christmas Time.” One of the radio disc jockeys wanted to be the first person to play a Christmas song this year. Shortly afterward the prison forced me to fill out a form indicating who I wanted my remains to be released to.
OCTOBER 12
Rat season is about to start. There are two seasons in here: rat season and cricket season. During the summer the prison is overrun with big black crickets. Once the weather starts turning cold, the rats from the surrounding fields all come into the prison in search of food and warmth. I prefer the rats to the crickets because they’re quieter. The crickets can drive you to the breaking point with the chirping and singing. It’s not like when you hear them outside. In here everything is concrete, and it echoes. A single cricket in here can make more noise than ten outside. They get into the drains and crawl spaces and scream like banshees for days at a time. When they start to die, they’re everywhere. Once I was taken down the hallway and the whole floor was littered with dead crickets.
The rats are a millions times more destructive, but at least they do it quietly. You have to be constantly on guard against them because they’ll eat holes in everything. They’ll gnaw your books, shred your clothes to make nests, and God help you if you’re trying to save food. You can’t even let your blanket hang off the bed or they’ll climb it like a rope. I couldn’t begin to count the times rats have woken me up by running across the bed. The guards used to put poison out for them until an inmate put it in someone’s coffee.
OCTOBER 14
It’s getting cold at night. The temperature has started to drop into the 40s. I woke up shivering, and it felt like the summer had never happened. It suddenly seemed like I’d spent most of my life shivering. I don’t mean that in a bad way, although if you hate the cold it’s probably horrible. For me it just feels like home.
I miss the snow. I miss looking at it, walking in it, tasting it. I used to love those days when it was so cold everyone else would be tucked away inside trying to stay warm. I would be the only one out walking, so I could look across the fields and see miles of snow without a single footprint in it. It would be completely silent—no cars, no birds singing, no doors slamming. Just silence and snow. God, I miss snow. The stars, the moon, the wind, and blankets of pure, pristine snow.
Have you ever seen that movie Cold Mountain? I’ve seen it a dozen times and could watch it a dozen more. Not only does the music played by Jack White and company make me cry every time I hear it, but the winter scenes are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. It’s so real it seems like you should be able to see your breath in the air, no matter what time of year you’re watching it. Absolutely magickal. I love the stark, bare tree limbs and the ice.
Can you believe it’s been over seventeen years since I’ve touched snow? Since I’ve heard that soft, comforting sound it makes as it crunches beneath your boots? It won’t be much longer. I can feel it in my bones. Soon I’ll have snow again. I’ll stand in it and look up at the stars until I can no longer feel my feet.
OCTOBER 15
Mannheim Steamroller is coming to Little Rock next month. People have asked me what concerts I’d want to see, and the top two on my list are Mannheim Steamroller and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Both put on amazing shows of Christmas music that make my heart ache. The TSO is half symphony and half hair band, with all the magick of Christmas sprinkled on top. Last year the local PBS station played one of their concerts during the holiday season, and I wallowed in every moment of it. It was beautiful. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra is to Christmas what Midnight Syndicate is to Halloween. If I could get anything I wanted for my birthday, it would be to see either a TSO or Mannheim Steamroller Christmas show.
P.S. I just watched Dustin McDaniel’s debate against the Green Party candidate for attorney general. He claimed during the debate he’s not scared of new evidence being heard in my case—that in fact he’s helped us by testing even more evidence and giving us the results. Yet the representative sent from his office argued during the September hearing before the Arkansas Supreme Court that the new evidence should not be heard. Is it just me, or does this sound like political double-talk to you? You can’t have it both ways, little buddy.
He also said that the past seventeen years of suffering we’ve been put through are a testament to the fact that the system “works.” Otherwise, I’d already be dead. Three innocent people spend almost two decades in a living hell while a child-murderer walks the streets, and the attorney general’s office does everything possible to keep evidence from being heard—that’s his proof that the system “works”? Perhaps he’s helping us all to see the bright side: instead of just torturing me for seventeen years, they could have murdered me.
I will not give in to anger. If I do, then they have won. Pythagoras believed numbers held the secret to enlightenment. He devised a mathematical formula for discovering the number that represents your life’s path. Using that formula, my number is eight. In tarot, eight is the “strength” card. It shows a smiling woman gently closing the jaws of a lion while it licks her hand. That lion represents all the harsh, negative aspects of ourselves we must learn to master—our anger, fear, jealousy, greed, et cetera. The woman does not tame the lion with force. She does it with patience, with gentleness, and with perseverance. Pythagoras said that is the lesson to be learned by those whose birth number is eight. Succeed and the lion carries you to heaven on its back. Fail and it swallows you.
Please consider voting for Dustin McDaniel’s opponent, even if you’re usually not a big fan of the Green Party. Every vote McDaniel does not get is a message that you do not approve of what he’s doing. Dustin McDaniel is the heart of the problem. He is the driving force behind all that is wrong with this case. He will have the entire local establishment backing him. If there is going to be a difference, then you must make it. Please vote. Please send him a message. Don’t let him win. You stopped Fogleman dead in his tracks. Perhaps you can do the same to McDaniel.
OCTOBER 16
It seems like the World Series is being played later and later in the year. I don’t mind, for the most part. Baseball is a summer game, played when it’s hot and nasty outside—which is why the play-offs have that incredibly “special” feel when you see them in autumn. It gives them a whole different aura because it’s cool or cold and late at night—the exact opposite of regular-season baseball games. It causes that fluttery, excited feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you giddy and happy to be alive. The whole world becomes simple, easy, uncomplicated. It’s like you’re a child again. I don’t w
ant to know statistics or numbers and records. I just like the autumn magick. That said, November games are just wrong. October is perfect; November is too late. Baseball season should not be nine months long.
Someone recently asked me if there were other innocent people on Death Row in Arkansas. The answer is yes. There are two, besides me. There used to be three, but one was executed.
OCTOBER 25
Halloween is this week, and It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is coming on two nights back to back. They’re airing it on both Thursday and Friday. Does time pass as quickly for you out there as it does for me in here? For me it seems like the month of May was just a few weeks ago, and the year went by so fast it’s stunning.
At any rate, the ancient Celtic people called Halloween “Samhain,” which means “summer’s end.” That’s because they only recognized two seasons (summer and winter) instead of the four we have today. Halloween was the transition point from summer to winter. It’s also the time to honor our family members and ancestors who have died. In fact, that’s why it’s called Halloween. It’s a shortening of “All Hallows’ Eve,” which is what people call Halloween. November 1 is to honor the saints, and November 2 is to honor departed family members. In Mexican culture they have big “Day of the Dead” celebrations. Catholics walk through cemeteries saying prayers for the dead while priests sprinkle the graves with holy water. The Chinese set aside the entire month of August as “ghost month” to honor their dead.
Life After Death: The Shocking True Story of a Innocent Man on Death Row Page 30
