She returned her sandwich to the plate and smiled. “I think all of those comments are perfectly understandable. I don’t expect many people who haven’t had a background in spiritual matters would be able to just jump right into a service. I’m glad you went with me.”
He picked at the crust of his bread. “It wasn’t so bad. I don’t know if I’ll go back any time soon, but at least I know somewhat what you experience every week.”
Nodding her head in agreement she returned to eating her lunch. She considered this small step a positive one. Personally, it thrilled her Seb made the decision to attend church, even if only out of curiosity. She didn’t want to shut a door on the possibility of his returning with her at some time, but she also didn’t want to encourage him to attend only if he thought coming made him look better in her eyes. It was a precarious path she was treading down. How do I show Seb Your love for him without entangling myself into a web of emotions I might never escape?
Somehow showing Seb the distinction between going to church for her, and going with the intent of worshipping God could be difficult. Besides, she still hadn’t decided what would happen upon her return to St. Louis.
The remainder of the meal they filled with small talk. Occasionally, Seb stared off into space when something reminded him of the girls.
She intertwined her hand with his. “I know the coming days will be hard, Bash. Working with Rick on what to do with the girls’ things and other details will be a challenge. It’s like C.S. Lewis wrote, ‘sometimes the difficulty of suffering is in fact realizing you have to think about suffering.’ I’ll keep praying it doesn’t overwhelm you.”
After lunch, Paxson began the chore of packing her things. Part of her seemed ready to get back to St. Louis and the real world, but the other part of her…she feared for what would come next. She needed to sit down and talk to Michael. It hadn’t taken a minute for Michael to figure out something more brewed between her and Seb. When she called him to request a few days off to come to California with Seb, the change in his voice had telegraphed his worry.
“You need to do what, Pax?”
“Sebastian has asked me to come with him to California. I won’t be gone more than three or four days at the most.”
Silence.
“If it will cause you problems at the office, Michael, I can tell him I can’t.”
“No. If he wants you there, you need to go. Just be careful, Pax. Emotions are running high right now.”
“I know, Michael. I promise. When I get back, we’ll talk more about this.”
After their conversation, she’d wondered if she should be in charge of Seb’s account at LLS. She imagined Michael must have reservations now about things, strictly for business reasons. She hoped she hadn’t ruined a good working relationship over what Michael might see as inappropriate behavior. She needed to get back to work and discuss the matter with him.
More than that, she needed to decide if waiting on Seb to change was worth the turmoil raging in her heart.
Chapter Twenty
Heart wrenching sadness magnified itself the next morning. Seb had to say goodbye to Paxson, not knowing what the future would hold. He knew he would miss her while she went back to St. Louis and he stayed in California. In the short time they had known each other, Seb started to realize Pax might have something he needed, and to go a day without seeing her face, touching her skin… even hearing her voice seared his heart. But a part of him wanted to ignore these feelings and just let her go. He wouldn’t go down that road again. He couldn’t. She deserved better than someone broken like him.
Are you crazy Seb? Sure, she’s helped you through a terrible time in your life. But think about it. You’ve only known her a few days. You can’t stress thinking about settling down with someone so soon. Although forcing the thoughts to the back of his mind, internally he couldn’t deny the attraction and the connection between them.
Afraid to speak for fear he would reveal his strong desire for her to stay, Seb chose to say nothing at all during their drive to the airport. Pax remained quiet in her seat, eyes focused out the passenger window. Her hand rested on the console between them, his fingers lightly tracing over hers, their only communication.
Even if he didn’t know what the future held, he knew he couldn’t ask her stay with him any longer. It wasn’t a fair proposition. She needed to get back to her life and job. He had business here, and somehow he needed to return to some semblance of his life as well. Remember, you don’t really need anybody or anything to get through life. Perhaps if he kept telling himself that over and over, he could revert to his old way of thinking.
Seb pulled into the short-term parking in front of the departures entrance. He took her bags out of the back of the Jeep, while Pax made sure her boarding pass, purse, and ID were close at hand. His heart beat faster watching her gather her things. No matter what he told himself about not needing anyone, letting her walk away tore him up inside.
Resting her bags on the curb, he took her in his arms. Even in their separation, he knew he would remember the feel of her arms around him. The tender way she rubbed his back, the scent of her apricot shampoo lingering in her hair. Part of him needed this embrace to last a lifetime, to make up for the future he didn’t think they would have together. Stepping back, he took her face in his hands and stared into her turquoise eyes. When she started to speak, he pressed his fingers against her mouth, and then replaced them with his lips.
She curled her hands in his hair, passionately returning his kiss. Heat shot through his body arousing his senses. His desire for her overwhelming, he quenched the impulse to snatch her up and drive off. Gradually pulling back, he stared into her eyes again. After laying a gentle kiss on her cheek, he whispered, “Thank you for everything. I can never repay you for what you did for me these past few days. I hope…” His words slowly died away without finishing the sentence.
Pax rested her hands on his face, closing her eyes. “I know.”
After placing a light kiss on his lips, she grabbed her bags and entered the airport, never turning to look back.
His heart already in shambles from losing his daughters, whatever pieces remained shattered yet again when Pax turned and walked away.
****
Difficult didn’t begin to describe her flight home. Struggling to keep her emotions under control, she tore her cocktail napkin to shreds bit by bit. The flight attendant stopped by her seat specifically to see if she needed an aspirin. I must look terrible. She didn’t have the heart to ask him if he had something for her trembling heart.
The future of their relationship depended on her. Although Seb indicated he didn’t want anything long term, his actions spoke otherwise, and it confused her to no end. Deciding she would know better what to do after her talk with Michael, she leaned back in the seat in an attempt to sleep.
The car service dropped her at her apartment a little before evening. The stack of mail on the table by the door let her know Tori had been by. Checking on her cats and finding the food bowl and water dish full reminded her she needed to call her friend. She hadn’t spoken to Tori since she’d left, and knew her friend had to be dying for an update on her trip. Twice she picked up the phone to dial her number, and both times she hung up before finishing. Her friend had great intentions, but sometimes her energy exhausted Pax.
Even though she didn’t feel up to talking to Tori, Pax needed to talk to someone. Her mom sat at the top of her list. She hadn’t had much opportunity to speak with her mother since her sudden departure to California. Her mom would give her some much needed perspective.
Grabbing her phone, she then collapsed on the couch, stretching out her legs. A few seconds passed, and she heard her mom’s voice.
“Hello.”
“Mom.” Paxson’s words came out more as sob than anything else.
“Pax? Are you okay?”
“No, Mom. I’m not okay. I wish more than anything you were here right now. I am so confused.”
Explaining all that happened over the past few days, Pax felt like the conversation constituted a cleansing of her soul. It felt so good to just lay all her thoughts and worries out for her mom to hear.
“Well, Pax. I think he’s as confused about things as you are. He’s been hurt in the past and is afraid of getting hurt again. You’re inexperienced and terrified, too. The only advice I can give you, is you’re going to have to figure out if he is worth the risk.”
Pax leaned her head against the back of the couch listening to her mom’s sage advice. “I know it won’t be easy, honey, because he does bring a lot of baggage with him to the table. Not only does he have the history of the bad marriage, but now, the burden of losing his family weighs on him, too. It will be a struggle for sure, but you know nothing is impossible with God. If Sebastian has the honest desire to know more about God’s love for him, then our Father will provide a way. God alone can judge Sebastian’s motives. You can only do so much.”
Hearing her mom’s perspective allowed Pax to look at things differently. Perhaps her motivation behind ending the relationship with Sebastian indicated more about her not wanting to get hurt rather than anything else. Once again, she realized her true faith needed to be focused on the One who knew everything. Relying on God always worked in the past. He hadn’t failed her yet. She just needed the gentle reminder from her mom.
****
Pax arrived early at work the next morning. She wanted ample time to talk over matters with Michael.
“I don’t know if you’ve had to deal with something like this before or not, Michael. I can assure you I didn’t initially plan to start seeing Seb outside of work. It just happened.” She bit her lip, trying to gather her thoughts before continuing. “I know this perhaps isn’t the wisest decision, but it’s one I’ve prayed about, Michael. No matter what, Seb and I have the same goals with this contract, and I think we can make it work.”
Michael remained quiet, only occasionally nodding his head. After a few minutes he leaned on the desk, bringing his clasped hands underneath his chin. His face showed little emotion, and he stayed silent a few moments. Fearing she’d angered him, she started to speak when Michael held up his hand to stop her.
“I trust your instincts, Pax. It’s one of the main reasons I wanted to hire you. I could tell straight off you knew the best way to handle difficult situations. Not only that, I trust you as a person. If you say you’ve prayed about this, then I know that’s exactly what you have done.”
Pax wanted to lean over in the chair and cry from relief, but stayed calm while Michael continued. “I’m not saying this is going to be easy. Pax, I trust you implicitly. I know the outside relationship you forged with Sebastian has been something you did not anticipate. I think—no, I know you have a good head on your shoulders, otherwise you wouldn’t have come to me in the first place with your concerns. If you think this arrangement is still a viable one for LLS, then I say go with it, but I will trust you to tell me if you think it will become too difficult to continue. We can make other arrangements if that is the case.”
Paxson released a deep sigh. “Thanks, Michael. I appreciate the faith you have in me. Believe me, I only want to do what is best for LLS and I think keeping things the way they are is a good decision.”
Michael smiled. “No problem Pax. You’ve been a great asset to us in the short time you have been here. I appreciate your willingness to work hard.”
Pax wanted to jump for joy. Her discussion with her mom, and now Michael, plus her lengthy prayer last night, gave her a great peace about the situation.
Only one question remained at the moment: What is Seb thinking?
Chapter Twenty-One
Upon entering his condo, Seb threw the keys on the kitchen counter. His mom and dad had left for their home a couple of days after Pax, and the silence in his home spoke louder than any voice. Many times in the past, before he lost his girls, he had come home to an empty house, the only sounds the ones he made himself, but for some reason, today the quiet weighed him down like an anchor. He reached and turned on the radio stopping when he heard a familiar song playing. He couldn’t quite place it, and then it hit him. It was the song Paxson had sung the night they’d shared coffee and fudge at her apartment… The night when he had almost gone over the edge with desire and taken her with him…The night he got the news about his girls.
Listening to the words, he imagined Pax’s voice singing them. He missed her more than he thought possible. He missed his girls. Consumed by everything, he collapsed on the kitchen floor and wept.
****
By the end of the week, Seb and Rick had handled enough details that Seb thought he could return to St. Louis. The meetings, although difficult, had been cordial enough. Even though Seb and Melissa had divorced several years earlier, Seb still found it difficult to be around Rick. Never in his wildest dreams did he plan on spending so much time with the man who stole his wife and children, but then again, he never thought he’d have to deal with their deaths, either. Knowing he shouldn’t have to see Rick again became the only bright spot in his otherwise dark life.
Relieved to be home after a difficult day, Seb stared at his phone and contemplated calling Paxson. He hadn’t spoken to her since he’d dropped her off at the airport. He tried to remember her voice, the lilt of her laugh and the slight southern accent that made its appearance when she started to get tired. When the memories failed him, he dialed her number. Waiting, he sat on the sofa in his living room, kicked off his shoes and put his feet up on the coffee table. His heart beat faster with every ring of the phone.
At last, her voice, breathless answered. “Hello”?”
“Pax.”
The silence on the other end of the phone did nothing to calm his nerves.
“Bash. I’ve been thinking about you.”
A heat rushed through his body. ‘Bash’ rang like music to his ears. So far, so good. “I’ve been thinking about you too. How are things back in the city? Everything going okay?”
“Yes. Work is going well. Michael and I have been working on some ideas for your contract. Of course, we both want you to know you have all the time in the world to get started. You may want to wait until the New Year or even later. Please don’t let us force you into anything.”
“No, it’s okay. I need to get busy and start doing something, anything.” The light from the dimming sun shone through the window, sparkling on the glass case across the room. It housed baseballs marking his first hit, first homerun, and other trophies he’d won in the past. Seeing the mementos from his career sparked a desire to play ball again. “I also want to get back to working out. Spring will be here before you know it and I want to make sure I’m in good shape for when training starts.”
Silence, then, “How are you, Bash?
He took a deep breath. “I’m not going to lie. The last couple of days have stunk. I can’t seem to think clearly because I keep going back to the fact the girls are gone. I just don’t believe it. I keep hoping I’m going to wake up and this has all been some terrible nightmare. But it’s not and I’ve got to deal with it.”
“Don’t push yourself, Bash. It’s going to take time.”
“I know but I’ve got to keep going.” He sat up on the couch. “That’s why I’m coming back tomorrow. I can get to work on my offseason conditioning. I think keeping busy will be good.”
“You’re right. I know being busy will help. And I’m glad to hear you’re coming back.”
Seb heaved another sigh of relief. “You are? I wasn’t sure how you would feel when I told you I planned to come back.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I would like to see you again, if you think it’s okay.”
Her voice softened. “I would like that, Bash. Very much. I think we have some things to talk about. The past few days have helped me get some perspective on things.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that. I’ll give you a call when I get in then.”
“See you t
hen, Bash.”
“Goodbye, Pax.” Sebastian placed the phone on the coffee table in front of him and smiled. For the first time in several days a small glimmer of happiness overcame the sadness that had been smothering him for so long.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Paxson walked in circles around her apartment, realizing when she got off the phone with Seb the previous night, she had not clarified when he would want to see her. Sticking close to home in case he called or came by, she felt like a silly school girl, but her desire to see and talk to Seb seemed to be outweighing any mature thought. Her constant pacing set her cats on edge. Their eyes constantly on her, they seemed ready to pounce with her every move.
“This is so crazy! I don’t even know when his flight is arriving. He could be getting in at midnight for all I know.” The cats stared at her as if they understood her dilemma. “I need to do something productive, at least. Let’s see. I could clean out the closet or go through bills or… I don’t know. Maybe I should bake something. Something chocolate.”
She headed into the kitchen and got out the ingredients to make brownies from scratch. She hoped the more intricate the recipe, the more she would be distracted from her current thoughts of Seb. Noticing her canister of flour empty, she went to get the bigger bag stored in the pantry on the top shelf. Just as her fingertips touched it, Ace darted by, startling her. Her reaction caused the flour to topple off the shelf spilling its contents. By the time the bag fell to the floor, most of the remaining flour landed on her head and all over the kitchen counters and tile.
Just a Little Faith Page 11
