Instead I use the diplomatic approach. “You may have been immature, but I was your best friend. That’s not how you treat a friend.” I pull my hand back.
“You’re right. You were my best friend, but then I fell in love with you, and that changed things. Besides if you have to know, I’m pissed off with you, too. You should have known better than to think I cheated on you. We’ve known each other since birth. I hoped you thought a little more highly of me than to think I would sleep with Elena Peters,” he answers defensively, shifting forward on his chair.
The fact is that I know he’s right. Every word that just left his lips is true. “You know I’m crazy when it comes to cheating. I get lost in my thoughts, and I panic. I can’t see straight,” I say, trying to hide the brutal reality, my self-doubt, my beat-up ego. My elbows are on the table, my hands holding my head, and I try to suck air into my lungs.
Dylan reaches across the table and places a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, Lex? Maybe we should go outside and get you some air. You’re panicking. Just try to relax.” He could always read me so well, but it doesn’t matter. We walk outside, and though the cool autumn air instantly fills my lungs, it’s still hard to breathe.
“Just take it slow. Deep breaths, Lex.” He stands in front of me, guiding me through my panic, his crystal clear blue eyes seeing right through me. Being around him again feels too painful. He’s the only guy I’ve ever had any real feelings for, and under all my frustration, anger, and panic, there’s lust.
“I assumed you would date. You dated other guys in high school, before we got together so I figured you would date in university, too. In the back of my mind I still thought we would have our chance. Don’t you believe in second chances, Lex?” His blue eyes are pleading and slowly chipping down the wall I worked so hard to build.
“I don’t know. I never thought it would be an option,” I say honestly.
“I guess it’s unfair of me to think that you would wait for me. It’s been a long time, and you‘ve grown into a beautiful, brilliant woman.” He rubs gentle circles on my hand with his thumb. I don’t pull away because it’s helping to regulate my breathing. I’m mad that he still has such an effect on my body. We stand outside in the cold air, looking at each other, and my pulse quickens. I notice his chest rising and falling, and he leans in to give me what I think will be a goodbye kiss on the cheek. But our lips meet, and we’re both stunned for a moment, not moving.
Then something happens. I don’t know how to explain it, but the kiss deepens, and the truth is I’m envisioning ripping his clothes off. But I need to maintain some sort of self-control. We stand outside of Starbucks on a brisk fall day, kissing. It’s surreal, it’s hot, it’s right. Our mouths open, our tongues twirl and intertwine, and it’s completely inappropriate. We break apart, panting, and I know without a doubt that he wants me as badly as I want him. He takes my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”
I give him my hand, following him blindly, as if it’s the only thing to do. He leads me to the parking lot where the black Mercedes is.
“Get in, Lex.” He opens the door for me then runs around the car to get in.
We say nothing, but it doesn’t last long. I need to feel him, and as if he can read my mind, he possesses my lips hungrily. I run my fingers through his hair and revel in the feeling. I always loved playing with his hair. Luckily the windows are tinted a very dark color because it’s broad daylight and it’s a pretty public place.
“You feel so good, Lex. I need you. I need you now,” he says, his voice rough and sexy. I climb over to the driver’s side, and he tilts the seat back, giving me space. Our lips smash together again, his hard length pulses in between my legs, and I’ve never wanted anyone so much. Without thinking I unbutton his jeans and open his zipper. His eyes are drenched with lust as he slides the jeans off. He unbuttons my jeans, but given my position, I get off of him, lowering them. Then I climb back on top of him. He caresses my breasts and I groan. It all happens so quickly. I take him inside me, and being older and more experienced now, there’s no holding back, no hesitation.
“Mmm, you’re so wet. You feel so damn good, like a dream,” he whispers, kissing my lips as I ride him, and it’s intense and more right than anything has ever felt before. He picks up the pace, and it feels so amazing that I let out moan after moan.
“I’m not going to last long.”
“Don’t worry because neither am I. You feel so good.” I breathe the words into his mouth, not wanting to stop. I ride him faster as my climax nears. I yell out his name in the car, and he stiffens inside me, calling out my name as he pours his warmth into me. I fall on top of him, our hearts beating as one. Dylan strokes my hair, and I feel him inhaling my scent as if it’s his last breath.
Then reality hits. What have I done? I’m with Luc. I must have lost my mind. Even worse, I’m a cheater, like my dad.
He reaches over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes. “Don’t think it, Lex. Don’t go inside yourself now. What we did isn’t wrong. We’re meant to be together. It’s obvious from the way we can’t keep our hands off each other. Last night when I saw you, I had to touch you. I felt the same in the coffee shop. I need to touch you, to be close to you.”
I can’t look at him. He moves his head around, trying to look into my eyes, but I can’t get lost again.
His words don’t help me, and I have no self-control around him. He may be right, but I’m in a relationship and that should mean something to me. I need to get out of the car and run. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” I look over at him, and he’s clutching the steering wheel, frozen, as though he doesn’t know what to do. I want to reach over and console him and console myself, but I can’t help either of us.
I’m completely out of sorts when I leave the car. As I run, I mentally play back what happened, hoping to justify it. Things moved so quickly, and I didn’t have time to think, just act. I always only wanted him, but it would never work. I’m not good enough for him, and now I’ve betrayed Luc. I can never tell Luc what happened today. Firstly because he might actually kill me. I also never thought I was a cheater. Maybe the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all. It only reinforces the fact that I should never get married or have kids. I’m not responsible.
I jog back to my car, sweating and exhausted. My hands shake as I hold the steering wheel while driving back to the apartment. The last hour of my life is on constant replay in my mind. I try to rationalize that it’s Dylan and I was never able to resist him. The look he had on his face when I left the car haunts me. I smack the steering wheel and the tears begin to fall. I’ve hurt him again and it breaks me. I walk back into the apartment, praying that Anna and Luc are not there. I’m not ready to face anyone yet. I’m grateful to find an empty apartment. I hop in the shower to get ready for my class. The memory of Dylan’s hands all over my body makes me want him all over again.
My life is spinning out of control, and I may never get what I want.
Chapter 23
Things Don’t Always Go as Planned
First Year Undergrad
September 2006
I was in the dorm working away on my laptop as I usually did when the door swung open and Anna walked in.
“Hey, Alexis, how about we do something different tonight?”
“Like what? I have a huge paper to write for political theory.”
“I don’t know. Let’s go out and party. I can come by your dorm later and we can head out together.”
She sat on my bed in front of me, her eyes bright with excitement. We never partied. The two of us were always so busy doing school work that we never left time for anything else.
“Where do you want to party?” I asked, my eyes glued to the computer screen.
“I don’t know. Lex, it’s already December, we’re freshman, and we’re not supposed to be sitting in our dorm rooms studying all day.” She lay back on my bed, resting her head on her hands.
&nbs
p; “I guess you’re right. But I told you that I don’t drink alcohol.”
“That’s fine. You don’t have to drink, even though it’s no big deal.” She shrugged.
“So what do you have in mind?” I asked, leaning back in my chair, a little intrigued.
“There was this guy sitting beside me today in my comparative politics class and he invited me to a party.” She stopped talking then looked at me.
“Okay, would you like to elaborate?” I noticed she was a little hesitant, which worried me. The two of us were complete nerds. We didn’t party, we didn’t drink, and we were both virgins. It was a rare concept for an undergrad student. My roommate, Amanda, always boasted about all her hookups. She went to frat parties, got drunk, and slept with a different guy at least a few times a week. When she brought them back to our room, she tied a red shirt on the doorknob so I knew not to enter. I found myself sleeping in Anna’s dorm a lot because she never brought guys back to her room and her roommate was the daughter of a minister. The three of us were probably the last virgins at the university.
The truth was that since I arrived here I had been hoping to start a new life and forget about my past. I loved being away from home and not having to deal with Mother anymore. I enjoyed the peace and quiet, and I didn’t care about the parties. Anna was like me, and I got the impression she grew up with a lot of issues.
Being a virgin didn’t bother me. My heart still ached over losing Dylan, and I didn’t think I could let some random guy touch me. I knew I should get out and have fun, but burying myself in school had been working for me.
Anna waved her hands in my face. “Are you with me, Alexis? Geez! You really space out a lot. You have to stop getting lost inside yourself. Believe me, I do it all the time. That’s why I think this party will be good for us. We both need to loosen up.” She was now bouncing up and down on my bed.
Her enthusiasm was contagious. “Okay, so let’s hear it. Where’s this party?”
Anna looked up at the ceiling, ignoring my question.
“You aren’t going to tell me? Then how can I agree to go?”
She remained silent, and I arched an eyebrow.
“Okay, so don’t freak out, but I got us both dresses to wear for the party,” she said hesitantly.
I bit my lip and nodded. “Okay, show me the dresses.”
She popped up and produced a bag she was holding behind her back.
“Great, so I thought you could wear this red one.” She pulled out a red dress. There wasn’t much material, and my eyes widened. “Relax, Alexis. I told you, we’re coming out of ourselves tonight so go with the flow.” Then she pulled a black dress out of the bag for herself. Both dresses looked way too slutty.
I got up and ran my fingers through my hair. “I don’t think I can walk out of the dorm like that,” I said, pointing to the dress.
“Oh, yes you can, and you will,” she said sternly, her hands planted on her hips.
“I don’t have shoes to match the dress.”
“That’s taken care of.” And she pulled a pair of black stilettos out of the bag.
“What do you mean? You bought me shoes?”
“Yes.”
Wow, I can’t believe how much effort she had put into this. I reached over and gave her a big hug, but she got a little rigid, like she didn’t want to be touched. I had noticed that about her before.
All dressed and ready to go, we left the dorms. I still didn’t know where she was taking me. Anna stopped walking, turned around, and touched my shoulder as if she was preparing me for something. “So, we’re going to the Sigma Pi party, and it’s going to be wild. People drink and have sex.”
My mouth dropped. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do it.” Tense and uneasy, I turned around to walk back to the dorm.
She put her hand out to stop me. “Yes, you can. I’ll be there with you. Look, Alexis, whoever the guy was, it doesn’t matter. You said yourself that it would never work out, so make yourself a life, or at least enjoy it. You can’t sit around and mope forever or you’ll be the last virgin on earth. You’re a beautiful girl so use what was given to you and have fun. I’m not saying fall in love or anything. Just have fun. We both deserve to enjoy our lives.” I felt the tears hitting the backs of my lids. “Don’t go getting all sappy on me, girlfriend,” she said, a hint of a Spanish accent rolling off her tongue.
“How can I sleep with a guy I barely know?”
Anna got a faraway look on her face.
“Anna?” I repeated.
“Sorry, friend, it’s very simple. There’s a difference between sex and love. We are going to have sex tonight, and it will have nothing to do with love. We’re just going to go and enjoy ourselves. The truth is we’ll probably need to get a little drunk or else I’m afraid we’ll both chicken out. I’ll be close by. I have your back, Alexis.”
Something about her made me feel like I could trust her. So I went. The temperature was below freezing, and I was shivering because the little dresses Anna found definitely didn’t cover enough skin. The party was at an old house with a lot of floors. As we entered the foyer, my heart slapped in my chest and I was having second thoughts. An invisible magnet was pulling me out the door, but I kept my feet in place. I told myself, You can do this. Enjoy your life, like Anna said. Forget about him.
The music was pumping loud, making the house vibrate, and I slowly moved my body to the sound. Despite the frigid temperatures outside, the house was hot and humid from having so many sweaty bodies squished together in such close proximity.
A girl named Teresa walked up to us and invited us over to a corner, where sisters from the sorority house down the street were playing drinking games and throwing back shots of vodka. We sat with them, taking shots. Before I knew it, I was warm, fuzzy, and a little giddy, and I climbed up on a coffee table and swayed my hips. Seconds later Anna followed.
A handsome guy walked up to me and put out his hand to help me off the table. He was tall with chestnut hair that fell over his face and hazel eyes that shimmered in the dark room. I gave him my hand and let him help me down. “Hey, I’m Jake.”
“I’m Alexis.” I extended my hand, a little shy despite the alcohol in my system.
“That’s a beautiful name. Alexis, would you like to dance?”
I looked over my shoulder to get Anna’s silent permission, and she nodded to go ahead. Everyone was bumping and grinding against each other, and I wasn’t sure I could dance like that with a complete stranger. But he was a good dancer and I followed his movements as we meshed together on the dance floor. The alcohol diminished my unease. After about twenty minutes, Jake whispered compliments in my ear, making me blush. He placed kisses down my neck, and I felt heat build in between my legs. It surprised me at first, but Anna was right. I had to separate love and sex. I also had to get Dylan Priestley out of my system.
“Would you like to come up to my room? I live here in the house.”
I nodded, knowing exactly what he was asking. It wasn’t the way I thought I would lose my virginity, but it would have to do. I noticed Anna dancing with a handsome, preppy looking, blond guy on the dance floor. I caught her eye and pointed upstairs. She blew me a kiss and I followed Jake to his room. I was tipsy as hell, which was a good thing because my nerves were hyperactive.
There was a double bed in the middle of his room and clothes thrown all over the place. Jake slowly lowered me to the bed. Gauging my unease, he asked, “Should we take this slow?” I nodded in response. He began to kiss me, spreading my lips and making room for his tongue. I opened my mouth and our tongues slowly caressed each other. His scent and the way he tasted was different than Dylan, and our tongues swirling didn’t ignite my body the same way. But I urged myself to continue, allowing the slow movement to turn me on, and a shooting need erupted in my core. It had been months since I’d made out with Dylan, and maybe I did need this to loosen up. He ran his hands over my ass and up my back. My need increased, but there was no
passion. No spark.
He lifted my dress above my head and bit his lower lip. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” He continued to place soft kisses down my neck while circling my nipples with his finger. My nipples hardened in response, sending a shooting pain of want in between my legs. I was getting wetter, and I wanted him to touch me there. As if he could read my thoughts or the fact that my hips began to push into his groin, he removed his finger from my nipple and slipped it inside of me. It slid in easily, and his pupils darkened as he felt my readiness for him. “You’re so fucking tight. Holy crap, you’re going to feel good.”
I didn’t want to tell him I was a virgin. He reached into his side table and pulled out a bowl of condoms. Wow, he must have a lot of girls up here. As the moment approached my heart began to race and my need became replaced with fear. What if it hurt? What if I wanted him to stop? He was big. How was he going to fit inside me? The condom went on, and he began to slide in, but I was too tight and tense.
I tried to slow my breaths so I would relax, and he caressed his length along my opening. “You’re so tight.” He pulled out. “Fuck, are you a virgin?” His eyes became wide with obvious panic. I guess it was nice that he cared. I nodded. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He backed away a bit, showing he was a decent, well-behaved boy.
“Yes, I want to do this,” I whispered.
“Okay, then let’s take it slower.” He got off me, lowering himself so that his mouth was positioned in between my legs. “This will help relax you.” He licked and sucked the sweet spot, and I couldn’t fight the way my body responded to him. It helped that my mind drifted back to the day that Dylan took me into his room and told me he wanted to try something new that would satisfy me. I thought of Dylan’s tongue in between my legs and the heat grew. I even let out a moan. This guy was not as good as him and didn’t feel the same, but thinking of Dylan and all of the things he had done to my body made me even wetter. I felt an orgasm approaching just thinking about it, but then he stopped, and I was reminded that Dylan wasn’t here.
Bitter Sweet Love Page 17
