Copyright © 1993 by Gloria Glickstein Brame, William D. Brame, and Jon Jacobs
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Villard Books is a registered trademark of
Random House, Inc.
Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material:
GUY BALDWIN, M.S.: Excerpt from “Old Guard: Its Origins, Traditions, Mystique and Rules” by Guy Baldwin, published in Drummer 150. Reprinted by permission of Guy Baldwin, M. S.
HAWORTH PRESS, INC.: Excerpts from The Sexually Unusual: Guide to Understanding and Helping edited by Dennis M. Dailey. Reprinted by permission of Haworth Press, Inc., 10 Alice Street, Binghamton, New York, 13904.
THE JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY PRESS: Excerpts from “Deviation and Variation” and “The Sadomasochistic Contract” from Variant Sexuality: Research and Theory edited by Glenn D. Wilson. Reprinted by permission.
PENGUIN BOOKS USA, INC.: Excerpt from a James Joyce letter dated December 6, 1909, published in Selected Letters of James Joyce by James Joyce, edited by Richard Ellman. Copyright © 1957, 1966, renewed 1985 by The Viking Press, Inc. Copyright © 1966, 1975 by F. Lionel Munro, as administrator of the estate of James Joyce. Reprinted by permission of Viking Penguin, a division of Penguin Books USA, Inc.
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE: Excerpt from “That’s Me On Top, Helpless” by Craig Vetter from the June, 1974, issue of Playboy magazine. Reprinted by permission.
LARRY TOWNSEND: Excerpt from The Leatherman’s Handbook II by Larry Townsend, published by Carlyle Communications, Ltd. Reprinted by permission of Larry Townsend.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brame, Gloria G.
Different loving: the world of sexual dominance and submission / by Gloria G. Brame, William D. Brame, Jon Jacobs.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
eISBN: 978-0-307-80347-4
1. Sadomasochism. I. Brame, William D. II. Jacobs, Jon. III. Title.
HQ79. B69 1993
306.77’5—dc20 92-37144
v3.1
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AND DEDICATIONS
We dedicate this book to the precious memory of poet Judson Jerome, whose commitment to candor inspired and first guided us.
We were blessed to have Russell Galen as our mentor, literary agent, critic, and friend. We are grateful to our editor, Peter Gethers, for his vision, commitment, and courage. Also to Sharyn Rosenblum for her loyal support.
We owe special thanks to NP, whose hard work and innumerable contributions to this project only the authors can know; and to Garison Kaufman, whose insights enhanced the quality of the final text. Dr. Robert H. Nightingale’s medical expertise and friendship were indispensible. Miguel Garcia provided valuable assistance.
This book is the result of a collaboration among three good friends and, since inception, has been enthusiastically supported by the large network of friends who comprise our extended family. We cannot list everyone, but must single out John Gallant, Bruce Bawer, Chris Davenport, Jay Riggs, Helen Jacobs, Berné Poliakoff, and Berl Boykin, all of whom sustained us with their loyalty and love.
Although we cannot thank them individually, scores of helping professionals and activists lent support to this project. We would especially like to thank William Henkin, Howard and Martha Lewis, the late Roger Peo, Fakir Musafar, Robin Young, Thomas Gramstad, and Marie-Constance.
A NOTE ON INTERVIEWS AND NAMES
Different Loving includes extensive quotes and personal profiles drawn from in-depth interviews with well over 100 participants in and experts on dominance and submission. They were conducted between the spring of 1991 and the spring of 1992. Our interviewees were uniformly open and forthcoming, and, naturally, many of the interviews tended to wander, often far afield of the main theme of this book. We have edited and compacted the interviews so as to allow each person to speak for him- or herself while keeping this book at a readable length.
Each of our interviewees was given the option to appear under his or her true name or under a pseudonym. Most chose, for obvious reasons, to appear under pseudonyms; some, who are already publicly known, appear under their real names; and some others who appear under their real names do so here for the first time in terms of their interests in D&S: They have chosen to use Different Loving as an opportunity to come out.
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgments and Dedications
SECTION ONE:
DIFFERENT LOVING
1. Introduction
2. Victorian Genesis and the Modern Scene
3. The ABCs of D&S
SECTION TWO:
IMAGINATION AND DESIRE
4. Power
5. Head Trips and Roleplaying
6. Ageplay
7. Depersonalization
8. Lifestyle D&S
SECTION THREE:
THE PLEASURES OF DISCOMFORT
9. Corporeal Punishments
10. Bondage
11. Spanking
12. Whipping
13. Intense Stimulation
SECTION FOUR:
INDIVIDUALIZING THE BODY
14. Body Modification
15. Corsetting
16. Tattooing
17. Piercing and Scarification
SECTION FIVE:
TRANSLOCATIONS OF DESIRE
18. Fetishism
19. Erotic Extremities
20. Dressing for Pleasure
SECTION SIX:
MASCULINE AND FEMININE
21. Transgenderism
22. Playing on the Gender Line in D&S
23. Erotic Combat and Gender Heroics
SECTION SEVEN:
FLUID MYSTERIES
24. Water Sports
25. Golden Showers
26. Enemas
Appendix
Notes
Bibliography
About the Authors
DISCLAIMER
This book explores highly controversial and risky sexual activities. Readers should not attempt any of the activities described in these pages. Neither the authors of this book, nor its interviewees, nor its publishers assume any responsibility for the exercise or misuse of the practices described herein.
As the statements of our interviewees make clear, D&Sers are exquisitely aware of the hazards inherent in what they do and take care to anticipate them, to understand them, and—most important—to avoid them. The authors provide only basic and incomplete health warnings in the appropriate chapters to remind readers of the serious hazards involved.
D&Sers make a real and absolute distinction between explicitly consensual acts between adult partners for their mutual pleasure and all acts of violence against unconsenting partners. Imposing any sexual activity on a reluctant partner is morally offensive; imposing it on an unwilling partner (or upon anyone who cannot give legal consent) is a criminal offense. Further, state laws vary: Some of these activities, even between consenting partners, are illegal in certain jurisdictions.
SECTION ONE
DIFFERENT LOVING
One
INTRODUCTION
In order to understand unusual sexualities such as dominance and submission (D&S), one first has to consider the question, “What is normal?” If the unique function of sex is reproductive—and the only reason men and women should engage in sex is for the purpose of creating new life—then only heterosexual intercourse is normal. Masturbation, oral sex, and even contraception must be considered aberrant. Reproductive relevance was the
Victorian standard of normalcy, and even today many of the laws defining criminal sexual behaviors in the United States still abide by that model. In reality, however, people have always pursued sex for reproduction as well as for pleasure and well-being.
The term normal is meaningless in terms of sexuality. It is commonly used as the opposite of abnormal and therefore as a euphemism for “good” versus “bad.” The consensus among sex therapists is that anything that occurs between consenting adults that harms no one is acceptable.
—HOWARD AND MARTHA LEWIS
We start from the premise that sex for pleasure is a normal human drive and is acceptable when it brings pleasure to both partners. From this perspective, D&S is simply a “different” kind of loving.
This book is biased toward heterosexuals quite simply because there are more heterosexuals than homosexuals in the general population as well as in the world of D&S. Gays and lesbians are nonetheless a vital and vocal component of the D&S communities and a pioneering force for the dissemination of reliable information and safety guidelines.
We use the term D&S to describe erotic activities more commonly known as sadomasochism (S/M) or bondage and discipline (B&D). Since many of our interviewees make careful distinctions among these three categories, we honor their choice of terminology in interviews and citations. In fact, defining a universally accepted label for sadomasochistic behaviors is controversial. (See Chapter 3, “The ABCs of D&S,” for detailed discussion.)
Few mutually consensual sexual activities are regarded with as much censure as D&S. The dearth of sensible, candid information about D&S has fostered exaggerated, negatively charged stereotypes. Dominatrices are, for example, typically portrayed as destroyers of men—a combination of the mythical enchantress Circe and the voluptuous Marlene Dietrich in The Blue Angel, hell-bent on emasculation. Female submissives are depicted as neurotic, self-destructive victims. And the very word sadist conjures the image of a criminal inflicting violent torture on helpless victims. When serial killers, such as Ted Bundy, announce that they were influenced by sadomasochistic pornography, the educated and uneducated alike accept the idea that a sociopath is an exemplar of a sexual behavior. Do some sadomasochists commit felonious assault? Undoubtedly. So do some devout Christians. Sadomasochists are prey to the same failings as regular people, because they are regular people.
WHAT IS SADOMASOCHISM … REALLY?
For active D&Sers sadomasochism is a thoughtful and controlled expression of adult sexuality that holds the promise of intense intimacy and sharing. The people interviewed for this book repeatedly describe the profound gratification their sexuality affords them. They explain why an erotic piercing effects a visceral change, how pain can feel like pleasure, why bondage is psychologically liberating. And, although our interviewees’ private lives may seem unusual, these men and women are not one-dimensional sexual anomalies: Their personal aspirations and public lives will be familiar to all Americans.
The Victorian scientist, Richard von Krafft-Ebing, identified the erotic interest in inflicting pain as “sadism,” after the Marquis de Sade, and condemned sexual acts that did not result in procreation as perverse. One of the great ironies is that de Sade, who by his own admission had scant experience of sadomasochism, has come to represent sexual behaviors that violate his own philosophical precepts. De Sade’s novels advocate the ultimate philosophical liberty: freedom to violate and destroy.
The kind of sexuality [de Sade] has in mind runs counter to the desires of other people … they are to be victims, not partners … the partners are denied any rights at all: this is the key to his system.
—GEORGE BATAILLE1
The practices and attitudes of contemporary sexual dominants and submissives, in contrast, largely abide by the credo of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” Partners emphasize equal and honest communication, negotiation, and consent; mutual trust is fundamental. A partner’s limits and preferences are respected. De Sade would be disgusted.
The lonely pornographer of the Bastille is not the only writer whose sadomasochistic fiction has been mistaken for reality. The novels of Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (the namesake of masochism), Pauline Réage, and Anne Rice—a modern writer of sadomasochistic erotica—are typically misconstrued as models for real relationships. Similarly, most pornography dealing with bondage and sadomasochism depicts severely dehumanized portraits that are as relevant to the actual practice of D&S as a sleazy porno movie is to romantic love. The masturbatory spectacle is all: The emotional content nonexistent.
Allusions to spanking, bondage, transvestism, and other so-called perversions permeate popular culture, so that sadomasochists have become both the butt of lewd jokes and delectably dark figures of forbidden sensuality. Whether it’s talk-show host Arsenio Hall asking his female guests if they enjoy spankings or filmmaker Mel Brooks’s satires of whip-wielding sadomasochists in High Anxiety, coy references to aspects of dominance and submission provoke sexual innuendo and titillated snickers. How many times in just the last few years has “kinky” sex captivated readers and viewers? Tabloids delightedly jumped on rumors that actors such as Cary Grant, Nick Nolte, and Jack Nicholson enjoy spanking women. Madonna’s book Sex contains sadomasochistic images, which, on the whole, are now a stock-in-trade of pop music videos.
For over a century we have lived with a cultural paradox: Descriptions of these sexual behaviors are so compelling that the media can always bank on their depictions to stir interest and increase profits. At the same time, we condemn these behaviors, which we do not understand, and regard people who make D&S a regular part of their lives as intrinsically different, frightening, wrong.
In this book we place each of the controversial sexual practices we discuss in its larger, real-life context. Most of all, we present sexual dominants, submissives, and fetishists as they see themselves: loving and compassionate individuals who care about their partners’ enjoyment and welfare and who engage in D&S for the pleasure and mutual satisfaction that it affords. These are contributing and respected members of society: our next-door neighbors, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our teachers and our doctors, Hollywood’s brightest stars and the grocery store’s nicest cashiers, our politicians and our clergy.
This chapter opens the candid discussion of D&S. In addition to in-depth interviews, in this chapter and throughout the book, we will also quote interviewees whose profiles appear in other chapters. Our first interviewees are:
• Dr. Ronald Moglia is the director of the Human Sexuality graduate program of New York University’s Department of Health Education. He received his Ed. D. from Temple University. Dr. Moglia joined the NYU graduate program in 1979 and has chaired it since 1988.
• Howard and Martha Lewis are a husband-and-wife team and the authors of numerous texts on human sexuality. They edit the Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, Sexuality and Disability, and other medical journals. They are also the chief administrators of the Human Sexuality Forums of CompuServe Information Service, the nation’s largest on-line sexuality data base.
DEFINING D&SERS
Very generally speaking, two groups of people engage in D&S. First are those who fantasize about D&S and may periodically and casually experiment with it. These individuals add spice to a sexually conventional relationship by engaging in some form of D&S eroticism, such as spanking or roleplaying. The second group comprises those who are primarily and unequivocally aroused by D&S and who actively seek out sympathetic partners and, usually, support as well as education. The anecdotal information in this book is largely derived from this second group. We located most of our interviewees through D&S support groups, publications, and word of mouth. Our research, however, suggests that the majority of people who engage in D&S belong to the first group.
According to estimates by the Kinsey Institute and others, 5 percent to 10 percent of the adult American population regularly engages in some form of D&S. Numerous sexuality studies report that conqu
est and captivity scenarios are the most popular fantasies among all adults.
The range of the erotic imagination is almost limitless.… One person fantasizes about animals, another about movie stars, another about enemas, diapers, or South Sea islands.… The stylistic variations of sexual fantasies reflect the richness of the human mind … [and] most sex therapists feel that any sexual activity between willing adults that does not result in physical harm is normal and acceptable.
—MASTERS AND JOHNSON2
The husband and wife who privately roleplay as conqueror and captured maiden are expressing the basic impulse of D&S, just as those who hold a partner’s wrists down or bite their lovers during lovemaking understand that rough stimuli may enhance sexual response. Many couples who enjoy extended D&S roleplaying do not know that there is a term for this aspect of their sexuality, nor that their erotic lives might be perceived by others as outside of the mainstream.
The two important distinctions between those who playfully incorporate aspects of D&S into sexual intimacy and those who define themselves as D&Sers are consciousness and degree of erotic need.
CONSCIOUSLY COMING TO GRIPS WITH D&S
D&S-like fantasies are apparently common to all children and are dramatized in such games as cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. While most people may outgrow a predilection for captivity games, the control aspects of such scenarios are the foundation of the D&Ser’s erotic hierarchy.
I have given a lot of thought to my sexuality. [I think] the stuff was always there, and my guess is that it probably is for almost everybody. I remember when my nursery-school class went to see a musical production of Daniel Boone in Central Park. At one point Daniel Boone is tied to a tree. For weeks after that, the nursery-school personnel were very hard-pressed to keep the clotheslines at home. The four-year-olds kept bringing them in and tying each other up with an intensity that was quite beyond tree climbing or playing with jigsaw puzzles, and then the interest passed.
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