Different Loving

by William Brame

  The connotations of S/M are loaded. Every notorious person in history has been called a sadist, and every [human] doormat has been known as a masochist. I think that as a community we’d be better off abandoning those terms. I don’t choose to use those words myself. I think that people should know that the Scene is made up of people like themselves: ministers, accountants, shipping clerks, psychologists, dentists, attorneys, sculptors, anything.

  —LANCE

  The war over words is regularly fought and seldom won. The linguistic dilemma has no easy solution. Support and educational groups and private collectives continually debate D&S terminology and its practical meaning. For example, if the sexual sadist’s pleasure derives in great part (as most D&Sers claim) from the pleasure of the submissive, is it really sadism? And if a dominant’s first priority is to give pleasure to a submissive, is this really dominance?

  In essence, the dominant is pleasing her submissive. In that sense, she is submissive to the will of the other.

  —MARIE-CONSTANCE

  Similar debate rages over the terms submissive, masochist, and slave.

  To me a slave is someone who is controlled out of fear, who has no other place to go because all the other options have been chopped off. I can’t understand how a woman could allow herself to be referred to as a slave. It turns my stomach. I don’t [think] that most white people are educated enough about slavery to understand the implications of the term. To me it’s not a term you play with. The moment I become a slave [is] the moment I give up my will. And the moment I give up my will, I shouldn’t expect anyone to respect me at all. And I demand respect from everyone, including my lover.

  —VICTORIA

  Debate notwithstanding, D&S jargon is familiar to most people in the Scene. Below is a brief glossary; other terms are explored in greater depth throughout this chapter.

  B&Der: one who includes aspects of bondage and discipline in erotic life.

  Bedroom D&S: D&S confined to a purely erotic encounter.

  D&Ser: a person who enjoys sensual dominance or submission.

  Dominant, or Top: a person who exerts sensual control. Top may also be used as a verb (e.g., “She likes to top macho men”).

  Flagging: traditional gay-male practice of displaying a colored bandanna in a rear pocket to identify one’s erotic interest.

  Leatherman, or Leatherwoman: usually a gay or lesbian D&Ser, but any member of the leather communities.

  Leathersexuality: originally, gay leather subculture.

  Left-Right Codes: bandannas, keys, or leather items worn on the left signify dominance; worn on the right, they signify submission.

  Lifestyle: refers to people who view D&S as central to their erotic lives.

  Masochist: one who is aroused by receiving pain.

  Master: a male dominant.

  Mistress, Dominatrix, or Fem Dom: a female dominant.

  Play: D&S erotic encounters.

  Play Parties: social gatherings where D&S play may occur.

  Power Exchange: the willing surrender of sensual control by a submissive to a dominant.

  Professional Dominant, or Pro Dom: a dominant who is paid to engage in D&S activity. (Professional submissives exist, but are considerably rarer.)

  S/Mer (also S&Mer), or Sadomasochist: generally, a person for whom the giving or receiving of pain is erotic.

  Sadist: one who is aroused by giving pain.

  Scene: the organized or social aspects of D&S. To be “in the Scene” may mean that one openly participates in support groups, attends clubs, or joins in other social activities. “A scene” may also refer to a particular interest (e.g., “His scene is bondage”), or, more narrowly, to a specific erotic episode (e.g., “She did a scene with her submissive last night”).

  Session: an erotic D&S episode (e.g., “We had a hot session the other day”). Usually refers to professional dominance.

  Slave: usually refers to submissive who—in fantasy or in reality—participates in ownership scenarios.

  Submissive, or Bottom: a person who is sensually controlled. Bottom may also be used as a verb (e.g., “She bottoms to him”).

  Switch: a person who enjoys both the dominant (or sadistic) and submissive (or masochistic) role and “switches” roles.

  Vanilla: conventional relations, or any intimate relations that do not include D&S or S/M sexuality.

  THE CREDO:

  “SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL”

  [A D&S relationship] … takes place in a context of awareness. Its purpose may be emotional bonding, a way of achieving new levels of intimacy; it may be spiritual, seeking to transcend ego states. In the S/M and D&S communities there is a rubric that goes “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” In my observation, the people who are engaged consciously and volitionally in S/M and D&S relationships by and large adhere to this phrase.

  —WILLIAM A. HENKIN

  “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is the universally accepted credo and philosophical core of the D&S subculture. The phrase—formulated by gay men in and around the Gay Male S/M Activists [GMSMA]—articulates basic moral guidelines for contemporary D&S relationships. While the ramifications of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” are subject to debate, we summarize below the basic ideas underlying the credo.

  SAFE

  This refers to physical safety, which is a cherished priority of “serious players” (i.e., those who are sincerely committed to D&S sexuality), who recognize the potential risk of inflicting extreme stimulus upon even a willing partner. The limits of genuinely safe play are constantly debated in the D&S community. Nonetheless, certain tenets are universal.

  • Safe Sex: AIDS awareness and adherence to safer sex guidelines.

  • Protection of Vital Organs: no activity which injures vital organs.

  • No Meaningful Damage: no irreversible damage of any kind, nor any kind or degree of pain that the submissive did not request or knowledgeably consent to.

  To ensure physical safety, most couples use a safe word (also known as a safety word, a stop word, or a code word). The submissive may use the safe word to signal distress. Dominants either cease all activity when the submissive pronounces the safe word or declare a temporary time-out, during which they may discuss the submissive’s feelings or reassure or cuddle the submissive. Safe words are selected before any D&S activity begins. They may be negotiated between partners or assigned by the dominant. The word(s) chosen is intentionally inappropriate to an erotic context, so that there can be no mistaking a “no” which means “yes” for an unequivocal “stop!” If a submissive is gagged or otherwise muted, a safe gesture or other signal is substituted.

  A safe word allows the submissive to retain some control over how far things will go and permits the dominant to feel secure that he or she isn’t genuinely harming the submissive, but a safe word is not a substitute for communication, nor for responsibility on the part of the dominant. Experienced D&Sers advise novices to question a dominant carefully before beginning an encounter or to obtain word-of-mouth recommendations from mutual friends.

  Some D&Sers fear that safe words encourage complacency. Safe words do not guarantee a safe encounter if the dominant is irresponsible or untrustworthy or if the submissive is extremely naive or self-destructive. Some also believe that safe words allow submissives to run the scene, or run it from the bottom (in other words, the submissive determines the limits of any given activity) and that this conflicts with the notion of a genuine consensual surrender of power. Nonetheless, safe words are a preferred communications tool and are particularly important early in a relationship. Over time, they may become unnecessary.

  Another key communications and safety tool is a contract (also known as a slave contract), which bears a vague resemblance to a prenuptial agreement. D&Sers often prepare formal written agreements that specify the nature of the prospective D&S relationship and delineate the guidelines partners will observe. These agreements are meticulously negotiated by both partners in a nonerotic context, so
that power roles do not bias judgment. Contracts typically stipulate limits and give concrete expression to each partner’s expectations and commitments.

  SANE

  Everything within an SM exchange is done with the intent of producing physical or emotional pleasure. This is the basis for the whole scene and, simplistic as the statement may seem, it is the universal key.

  —LARRY TOWNSEND2

  We will not take it upon ourselves to define sanity. “Sane,” in this context, however, generally means, first, that any given D&S activity is done for the pleasure of everyone involved. Erotic play should not cause emotional anguish; it should not abuse the submissive’s vulnerability or subject a submissive to unreasonable risk. And a submissive should not have to worry that the dominant will exceed his or her personal limits.

  The concept of limits is crucial to an understanding of both “safe” and “sane” D&S. To respect limits means that a dominant will honor a submissive’s personal boundaries—in terms both of physical limits (degree or type of stimulus) and of psychological limits (degree or type of roleplaying). Limits are, of course, entirely individual: One person’s paradise is another person’s purgatory. For example, Jane might find very light bondage to be the height of ecstasy, whereas Jack is aroused only by stringent bondage. If you put Jack in light bondage, he may be frustrated, but if you put Jane in rigid restraints, she may be traumatized. If Jack and Jane submitted to an experienced dominant, their individual limits would be carefully discussed before any bondage occurred.

  Respecting a partner’s limits is the foundation for trust.

  In all S/M play both parties—top and bottom—agree to what they’re doing, respect the other person for trusting enough to allow the play to happen, and revel in the fact that trust has been established. One of the main things I get out of topping someone is a fantastic thrill that the person has faith in me and enough trust to put her body in my hands. A very deep sense of love and closeness comes out of that.

  —ROBIN YOUNG

  Dominants also have personal limits. Novice dominants may stumble upon this surprising intelligence when they are urged by an aggressive submissive (also known as a smart-ass masochist, a sam, or just greedy sub) to do something they later regret.

  Pushing limits, or stretching limits, describes erotic encounters in which a dominant presses the submissive to accept a greater level of stimulation than the submissive originally expected. This delicate and risky process is primarily the purview of long-term partners who have discussed expanding limits in hopes of enhancing a given activity’s erotic potential. In order to push a limit, one must first be certain where the limit lies; one must also be confident that the submissive will not be harmed by heightened intensity.

  CONSENSUAL

  Consensuality is really the first law of the D&S communities—and with good reason. Our interviewees incessantly emphasized the consensual nature of D&S, no doubt because of extreme sensitivity over the popular perceptions of sadomasochists. Dominants, and especially novice dominants, are often confused or distressed by comparisons with violent criminals.

  Those people who practice [D&S] behaviors [between] consenting adults and then fear whether they’re mass murderers—I think that’s probably a function of society’s lack of teaching that there’s a range of allowable sexual behaviors in the human experience and between consenting adults. Within the parameters of law there’s even a larger range of behaviors. I think those people are, unfortunately, wallowing in a pool of ignorance because society doesn’t teach about those kinds of things.

  —DR. RONALD MOGLIA

  Submissives, meanwhile, struggle against comparisons with battered spouses or pathological victims.

  One of the things which distresses me immensely, as a high-school teacher in an inner-city school, are the number of young women who allow men to hit them, beat them up, get them pregnant, and leave them. It’s not D&S: It’s something far more horrifying than anything I would ever put up with. And yet if I came out in my classroom and said, “Yes, I do this,” they would think I was sick. To me, those girls are slaves, because they allow men to do these things and don’t question why. You have to be able to question why somebody is doing something, even if you’re submissive. If your lover or your master or your mistress is doing something to you that you feel is wrong, you question [it].

  —VICTORIA

  Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S: Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins. D&Sers typically avoid any relations with minors, for example, because it is generally accepted that minors cannot give informed consent. Some D&Sers are even reluctant to enter into relationships with novices, often preferring people with D&S experience. The D&S community also promotes open discussion and debate about safety issues. Abuses are rarely tolerated: Dominants who mistreat submissives will be openly criticized or ostracized.

  I have seen dominants who misuse their authority. We have a term for that here in San Francisco: “top’s disease.”

  —M. CYBELE

  THE IDEA OF COMMUNITY

  It’s hard to be in a community that has no real name for itself The only names that we have to call ourselves are names that others call us: perverts, or kinky people. We are human beings with a sexuality that simply happens to be different.

  —ROBIN YOUNG

  Throughout the following chapters our interviewees frequently refer to the Scene as “the community.” A distinct communal spirit has marked the leather scene since its inception; at first self-protective, the idea of community has become an important source of group esteem and identity.

  Specific support groups and social clubs are actually independent communities, but the vast majority of them actively network; D&Sers coast-to-coast exchange information and cooperate on educational outreach. National community events and symposia bring together D&Sers from across the nation and the world.

  The trend toward broadening and strengthening the D&S community seems to be growing; it is a significant phenomenon at a time when nuclear families are suffering turmoil and dissolution. For some the D&S subculture is a kind of tribal organization whose advocates, spokespersons, and senior members are leaders and spiritual guides. For others support groups are a contemporary version of the extended family.

  I view our group as a sort of anarchist convention. Somehow we find community with all these diverse interests, diverse backgrounds, and diverse careers and get together and have a wonderful time. Perhaps that diversity is what makes the chemistry. It’s like an extended family. I feel proud to say that they’re some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life, [who] have wonderful relationship[s] with each other. It’s a terrific thing. You find this quite an amazing community. They’re the kind of people that I would be drawn to even if I wasn’t in S/M. They’re wonderful folks.

  —LANCE

  WOMEN, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, AND SEXUAL FREEDOM

  D&Sers are, by nature, politically incorrect, if by political correctness one means adherence to the puritanical notions of sexuality espoused by some feminist apologists. Although the fact may at first seem paradoxical, most D&Sers of both genders actually support feminism on principle and in practice. Our female interviewees perceived a direct connection between their sexuality and their goals as feminists.

  S/M gave me tools to be a feminist. Feminism gave me lots of ideals to strive for. Feminism said to me, “You must be a strong woman, you must have control in your own life,” but it never gave me any tools to attain that strength. It just said, “Do this. If you don’t do it, you’re a bad feminist—you’re not liberated, you’re not strong enough.” In fact, if you are taught to be insecure in childhood, you can’t just be told—you have to be taught how to [be strong].

  —GENEVIEVE REYNOLDS

  Our female interviewees agreed that real sexual freedom implies freedom of choice: One should be free to decide for oneself what kin
d of sexual activity affords the maximum of sensual pleasure.

  For me, feminism is extremely important, but the word that we use most in feminism is choice. I’m choosing to submit to a man because I want to. When I stop wanting to, I can walk out the door. I can tell him to go sit on it and rotate if I want to.

  —VICTORIA

  The submissive in a consensual relationship does not relinquish social or professional power, nor is she likely to accept authority from anyone but her dominant. Many submissives told us that the ability to surrender sexual power privately and to fulfill taboo fantasies is a profoundly empowering experience.

  While submissive women often bitterly resent stereotyping as passive victims, dominant women are in a double bind: Even if they overcome the anxiety that sexual assertiveness is “unfeminine,” they may then grapple with feminist theory which mitigates against any overt expression of power in intimate relationships.

  More than a few lesbian feminists have formulated theories which are dependent on targeting S/M. We are told S/M is responsible for practically every ill and inequity … including rape, racism, classism, spouse abuse, difficult interpersonal relationships.… Sadomasochism … is tacked onto just about anything hated or feared. As S/M lesbians, we say that our experience contradicts many of those closely held theories, and that this examination of our experience is a feminist inquiry.

  —KATHERINE DAVIS3