WHAT IT ISN’T
A bad—or ineptly handled—head trip is one in which a partner may feel degraded, confused, insulted, or frightened. A bad head trip causes emotional anguish, if only by stirring memories of genuine insults and taunts. Because such activity may cross the line separating D&S and abuse, most practitioners are extremely conscientious.
All of the activities described in this chapter carry significant psychological dangers and require the most extreme caution and clear, informed consent by both partners.
There’s a difference between abuse and sexuality. There’s a difference in intent. It would not give [my husband] pleasure to cause me emotional pain or make me cry. He does things because they give him pleasure but also because he wants to give me pleasure. I trust him to know how far to push me, but not to hurt me. I would never stay with somebody who was disposed to abuse me.
—ANNE
To understand this difference better, we’ll look at two typical types of interactions that have an inner, understood reality quite different from their external, observed reality.
1) Master A tells Submissive B that for the rest of the day B may not look him directly in the eyes and may not speak unless spoken to; if B does not abide by these restrictions, A will severely discipline B.
To the outsider this scenario may seem to imply that A is demeaning B’s humanity or rights as an equal and that B is oppressed or is somehow degraded and is not being treated fairly.
To the insider this scenario may be an explicit expression of a fantasy or may be a power exchange the couple has discussed and negotiated, in which B has made it clear that being obliged to act as an inferior is an exciting fantasy or a compelling sexual need. By issuing the orders, A is fulfilling B’s fantasy in a safe context. While the foreground may be the couple’s erotic excitement, the psychological background is that A’s understanding of B’s need makes B feel comforted, cared for, and loved. A, meanwhile, enjoys the power of enforcing the scenario.
2) Mistress C chastises Submissive D at length for being naughty or lascivious, chiding D as one would a disobedient or willful child.
To the outsider this scolding may seem absurd or downright insulting, since in our culture it is considered shameful to be treated as—or to be perceived as—a child.
To the insider the scolding is a reinforcement of an agreed power dynamic. The scolding itself may produce in D feelings of childlike embarrassment which themselves are highly erotic. D may also feel grateful that C cares enough to take an aggressive interest in correcting and supervising D’s behavior. C derives pleasure from her power over D and his emotions.
Responsible dominants make every effort to distinguish between mental games that arouse the partner and ones that cause upset, making certain to avoid the latter. There are no set scenarios that will work on all submissives.
WHO INITIATES HEAD TRIPS?
Head trips can be initiated by the dominant or the submissive, wholly depending on the couple’s style of interaction. Few dominants expect the submissive to be passive (in fact, most dominants prefer highly spirited partners). Many submissives therefore consistently strive to offer creative scenarios for both partners to pursue. A submissive may write down ideas for her fantasy evening and respectfully present them to the dominant; or the submissive may offer to perform some service (giving the dominant a massage, or inventing some amusing naughtiness which requires punishment).
Interestingly, in some couples the submissive will intentionally break the rules of the game in order to intensify the play and to give the dominant an excuse to fulfill the threat of punishment. Submissives who genuinely challenge authority for the sake of provoking an unpleasant encounter, however, are rarely considered desirable partners, and dominants who do not respect the submissive’s needs or limits before engaging in head trips are viewed as dangerous.
UNPREDICTABILITY AND ANTICIPATION
Unpredictability and anticipation are among the most popular elements in the structuring of a head trip. While the mainstream person may find that a kiss hastily snatched in a doorway is erotic, for D&Sers the doorway might instead be used for a tug on restraints hidden under the submissive’s clothes.
The dominant is likely to do or say something (usually erotic in nature) when the submissive least expects it. The variations are boundless; for example, a dominant may suddenly order the submissive to remove his clothing and to submit to erotic fondling while the couple is engaged in some nonerotic activity, like watching television together. The submissive will suddenly and powerfully experience both vulnerability and a consciousness that his sexual excitement can be aroused at his partner’s whim.
He’s capable of anything if the mood strikes him! He could call me at work and tell me to do something. I never say no. I’m vulnerable to verbal stimulation, so he’ll say cute words that will get me excited and embarrassed, even though I might be alone in my office. It’s the chance that somebody knows what I’m doing. I have no way of explaining to anyone at work that my husband calls me up to say things that aren’t even dirty words. It’s the risk of exposure [that’s so arousing]; we’re both real fond of that.
—ANNE
Our interviewees reported many extraordinary occasions when a playful dominant surprised an unsuspecting submissive. Anne says that her husband of 22 years has played many physical and verbal games in elevators, friends’ homes, and even during church services.
In church he’ll sit next to me and wiggle his hand up my skirt, into my underpants, and I’m sitting there squirming. So there’s this church full of little old Swedish ladies, and here’s this crazy woman wiggling and squirming and giggling like a maniac. And he’ll just look at me and say, “Shhh!” very quietly. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks. He’s having a hell of a fine time. If I really didn’t like it, he wouldn’t do it, of course.
—ANNE
Unpredictability also serves another function: It helps D&S couples to maintain highly charged erotic relationships. Couples who’ve spent a long time together often say that the abilities of their partners to surprise them continually with new games or new angles on old ones keeps the romance alive.
While unpredictability throws a person off balance by prompting an erotic response during what is, until that moment, a sexually neutral experience, anticipation builds erotic tension. The dominant may hint at some inevitability or may keep the submissive impatiently guessing. For many the anticipation is as exciting as the consummation.
If there’s a hunger for anything in [D&S] for me, it’s for that sensation of anticipation or for seeing that sensation within the submissive. It’s like, “God, what’s gonna happen next … oh, my God, it could be anything!”
—MASTER CHRIS
Anticipation scenarios are limited only by the partners’ imagination. For example, the dominant partner may tell the submissive to wear some unusual article, such as a restraint, under her clothing in the morning without explaining why he wants her to, only hinting suggestively that something is planned for the evening—a vague proposition that will keep the submissive wondering, and tantalized, all day long. Or the dominant may bind the submissive’s wrists and put him in a corner without revealing what will happen next. During that period of not knowing, the mixture of anxiety and expectancy makes the submissive’s excitement escalate before any physical acts take place.
The unpredictability is exciting. I like that mysteriousness. I like that darkness.
—ANNE
WHAT IS ROLEPLAYING?
I’m your servant and your concubine! You’re my king, my idol!
—GUSTAVE FLAUBERT, Madame Bovary2
We all play roles: parent, child, professional, citizen. D&S roleplaying is a mutually agreed upon psychodrama in which the partners assume temporary fantasy roles that express a power dynamic. Many D&S couples believe that the ability to experiment with varied roles sustains erotic novelty for the duration of a marriage or partnership.
An exciting role can h
ave many sources. For example, many interviewees discussed their childhood fascination with movies in which heroic characters wore colorful costumes and savored wild adventures.
I identified very much with the old sailing ship movies of the period: the swashbuckler films with Erroll Flynn. The flogging scenes were exciting for me; I always identified with the victim.
—LANCE
D&S roleplaying is often a means of confronting a taboo—fantasies which, made into reality, would be horrifying. Consensual psychodrama enables D&Sers to experience the erotic thrill of extreme fantasies but with safe limits and, perhaps most importantly, with the knowledge that the play will end and that the partners will revert to their accustomed interactions.
We do our “German soldier and Jewish maiden captive.” I’m Jewish and he’s German, so we refight World War II every once in a while. It involves a lot of tying and tickling, mostly teasing and embarrassment.
—ANNE
Not everyone enjoys roleplaying: A fair number of D&Sers insist that roleplaying is artificial and that it trivializes the partners’ genuine power dynamic. Still, many D&Sers have an unabashed fondness for elaborate roleplaying and particularly for dramatic costume. Leather bars, for example, regularly sponsor parties for which all attenders are required to wear military or police uniforms. Leather garb itself is a kind of uniform, and in the past some leather bars did not allow patrons in street clothes to enter. Leather, unlike a military uniform worn for a specific party, however, has never implied a temporary role among the traditionalists of the leather communities—leather is usually a statement of preference or even social status. But with evolutions in style and sexual expression, for better or worse, many occasional players now do treat leather as decorative and role oriented.
Roleplaying also allows exploration of the potential for expressing different facets of one’s personality. Some D&Sers perceive a multiplicity of erotic roles to be a natural extension of the roles that all people play in the social sphere.
The relationship that I have with my life partner is extraordinary: He is my slave, I am his mistress. He is my priest, I am his goddess. We work together and we’re best friends. He is also my baby boy, and I am his mommy. He is my daddy, and I am his baby girl. And the baby boy and baby girl are childhood sweethearts. When we are babies we don’t wear diapers and it’s usually not erotic. However, it is sweet, loving, and carefree. We need that kind of balance in our lives.
—M. CYBELE
Roleplaying is another way of stepping outside oneself and into the realm of fantasy and imagination. It can help individuals to experiment with transformation and the perceptions of reality, and it may deepen partners’ emotional bond, as they perceive each other in a spectrum of different personae.
HUMILIATION AND EMBARRASSMENT
The term humiliation causes confusion even in the D&S communities, although many practitioners do engage in some form of this head trip. Some distinguish between humiliation and embarrassment; others between humiliation and degradation.
I’ve found that [for] most people who use the service of professionals, humiliating means embarrassing. Now, some people mean degrading. “Tell me that I’m a piece of shit.” I don’t like that. I say, “If you’re a piece of shit, I have no interest in you.” For some people, it’s necessary and important, but it doesn’t work for me, so I won’t do it.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
To many submissives, situational embarrassment—where the submissive is teased about his or her actual erotic vulnerability—is sexually arousing. It can reinforce feelings of helplessness and heighten awareness of the bottom’s vulnerability.
I find a certain amount of embarrassment extremely arousing. For example, I giggle very easily—so my husband will say something to me very softly in public so only I can hear it. He says it to make me blush and laugh.
—ANNE
Situational embarrassment is always distinguished from personal embarrassment, where the individual is criticized for genuine flaws or failures. For situational embarrassment to work, of course, it must involve activities that the submissive perceives as embarrassing.
When people ask for humiliation, I ask: “What do you mean by humiliation? What you might find humiliating might be what somebody else finds erotic or plain old boring.” I had a friend who found that a golden shower was completely unhumiliating. It was her fetish. She loved it. There was no humiliation in it whatsoever. [Yet] most people find golden showers humiliating. I try to clarify, since it has to do with the upbringing [and] the psychological makeup of the person.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
Similarly, there are those who may find it extremely erotic to shave a partner’s pubic hair as an aspect of foreplay, without any suggestion of humiliation. But in a power context, it may be scintillatingly exciting for the dominant to shave a submissive or to require that the submissive remain smooth skinned at all times. Some dominants may shave not only pubic hair but, in the case of male submissives, hair on the torso, legs, or buttocks. The submissive may feel pleasantly embarrassed at having a childlike appearance when naked; or may be embarrassed by the tangible evidence of the dominant’s power over even the most intimate types of grooming.
Another aspect of humiliation comes into play when the dominant embarrasses the submissive by accentuating his helplessness. If the submissive really enjoys being helpless, it might seem logical that he shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it; but, in fact, here is an area in which cultural conditioning conflicts with sexual desire. We—men particularly—are taught to feel ashamed of helplessness and vulnerability, and although a submissive may well crave to be in a helpless position, he may also feel that he shouldn’t have that craving or that experience—thus, he feels humiliated.
D&S head trips can be highly complex mechanisms with subtle gradations. For example, some submissives wish to be scolded or taunted for being wanton. They may not be wanton (in fact, they may be anything but), yet they may enjoy being chastised for this putative defect. Both partners understand that the bottom is aroused both by the idea of being slutty and by being rebuked and corrected. This can be erotic for both partners. But in nearly all cases, the eroticism would disappear if the dominant scolds the submissive for a genuine character flaw.
Overall, humiliation and embarrassment scenarios depend on the dominant’s ability to accentuate the submissive’s feeling of defenselessness and exposure—with the purpose of enhancing the power dynamic—while avoiding making the submissive feel that he or she is any less worthwhile as a human being. Exposure and exhibition, in particular, may be an exhilarating experience for a submissive.
One time when we were at [an S/M club] they served cake. My lover asked for extra icing. He pulled down my top and smeared icing all over my nipples and started licking it off in front of everyone. And these guys started standing around and just looking like they wanted to eat me! I felt a little bit humiliated because it was like, “Please! We’re in public and you’re sucking on my breasts!” At the same time, it was rather pleasurable, like “Oooh look! Everybody’s looking at me and look at the admiration and the lust that’s in their eyes!” I guess that’s where the pleasure comes [from] the humiliation; I’m not really sure if it’s humiliation [or] sheer exhibitionism. I think that for me it’s part of being able to be a bad girl for a few minutes. It plays with the image that people very often have of me. I’m a rather petite woman, in fact I look younger than I am. So people always think, “Oh she’s such a sweet innocent thing.” When I do something that’s not quite so innocent it’s kind of fun seeing the surprise.
—VICTORIA
Many D&Sers enjoy acts that fall outside the regular scope of intimacy, and the more outrageous the better. In this way the partners may both feel that they have entered a private universe where very different rules apply.
One of my favorite things is something I’ve done with virtually every woman that’s been submissive to me: I’ll have her get into a particular position th
at I like. I’ll have her get on her knees with the knees wide apart, and have her bend forward until her head is touching the bedspread, preferably blindfolded. And then I’ll have her reach back and hold her buttocks open for inspection. From her perspective, the anticipation of the moment is very high, knowing that she’s more exposed in that private area than she ever has been. That kind of thing turns me on. The humiliation or embarrassment of it is the biggest turn-on, not the pain.
—MASTER CHRIS
Obviously such scenarios work best when partners know each other and when there is a profound level of trust. All such psychological games can have enormous risks for both partners if an underlying sense of respect and compassion does not prevail.
Among other possibilities, head trips may trigger memories of former abuse, and emotional trauma could result from casual or unthinking experimentation.
DENIAL
Elements of head trips are described throughout this book. The final one worth separate discussion in this chapter, however, is the concept of sexual denial.
As we discuss in Chapter 10, numerous ploys can be used to ensure a submissive’s chastity, the most obvious being, of course, the chastity belt. There is a fairly vigorous market for chastity devices in the D&S community. But many D&Sers incorporate psychological play on this theme without the assistance of equipment. Instead of having the submissive wear a belt, some dominants may verbally deny the submissive permission to climax. This order may be given either during an actual encounter or may pertain to an extended period of time when the partners are to be separated.
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