I can remember poking and pinching and putting clothespins on and tying stuff around my genitals when I was eight or nine. I tried various textures: steel wool, sandpaper. There was pretty clearly a connection between painful things—as painful as I could manage to do to myself—and being sexually excited.
—JOHN M.
Experiences in later life may also influence an individual’s interest in erotic pain.
Actually, being into S&M other than in fantasy surprises me, because five years ago if you had suggested to me that I would enjoy pain, I would have said, “Only sick people do that.”
—JEAN L.
Once the desire to give or receive pain is identified in adulthood—and if a willing partner is available—it is very common for both dominant and submissive practitioners consciously to pursue their desires.
I got started [in S/M when] a vanilla lover brought me to a workshop called The Suicide Class. It was not about suicide, but about using San Francisco as a playground to conquer one’s fears, such as climbing the Golden Gate Bridge. This was [around] 1980. One of the workshops included a demonstration on whipping and pain. It opened my eyes. [The workshop leader] was dominant over her partner, and it just fit. I immediately felt at home. I jumped in headfirst.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
THE LOVE OF INTENSE STIMULATION
Mental receptiveness to unusual erotic stimulus is a key to its enjoyment. Consensual physical restraint, for example, induces a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness. To a bondage enthusiast, restraint is intrinsically erotic, largely because bondage enables him or her to abandon inhibitions.
Pain may be emotionally gratifying because of its association with punishment. For example, a whipping may be a form of penitence which exorcises an individual’s sexual guilt. Just as vulnerability is liberating, penance delivers the penitent from shame or responsibility.
Of course, far more Americans experience sexual guilt than crave to be punished painfully for it. That many D&Sers perceive corporal punishment as a means of obtaining permission to experience their sexuality, however, is apparent from the results of our interviews.
It may add to the arousal of those who enjoy giving pain to realize that their partners reach new levels of ecstasy as a direct result of their ministrations. In this respect, giving pain is not unlike purely psychological domination: Controlling the partner’s sexual response is psychosexually thrilling. Many whom we interviewed spoke of the satisfaction that they feel in knowing that they are able to give something to their partners which others cannot or will not give them. Most believe that intense stimulation—be it pain, enforced helplessness, or humiliation—can elicit a degree of sexual intensity rare in vanilla relationships.
I get enjoyment out of inflicting pain. Of course, it’s consensual and built up to. I like to bring submissives or masochists to that part of themselves where they’re suffering and it’s turning them on. [Even if] they’re fighting, somehow it’s working [for them]; that turns me on.
—CLÉO DUBOIS
Also, a growing number of people seem to conceive of pain as an alternate route to spirituality. They may refer to S/M as “Sexual Magic.” A neopagan subset of avant-garde sexuality communities, Sexual Magic holds that transcending the body’s ordinary pain limits is a path to religious enlightenment.
I don’t see any difference between what I call intense physical sensation and fasting, vision questing, and prolonged dancing. All of these things are trance-inducing states, and all trance-inducing states can lead to altered states. There are different techniques, but they’re all getting us to the same place.
—FAKIR MUSAFAR
INTERVIEWS
CLÉO DUBOIS
My background is Roman Catholic; intellectual lower middle class [on] my mother’s side, and blue-collar lower middle class on my father’s. I usually call myself bi-kinky, but I don’t like to go to bed in a vanilla way with people of the same sex, so I am heterosexual in that [respect]. It also depends on what you call sex. I don’t call S&M sex; I call S&M erotic play. I will play with men or women of any sexual orientation—gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual cross-dressers, transsexuals. [It] doesn’t matter to me in terms of the S&M play.
Besides making a living at S&M, I get sexually turned on by it. I feel alive. I look at the whole thing as a dance. There is a lengthy courting dance of light S&M and progressive buildup. The whole beginning is for them. The courting continues until the person is ready. [And then] I enjoy taking people to their limits and a bit past [them]. That might mean giving two more or three more blows with the cane, or turning up the electricity just a little bit more, or keeping them in bondage and having them beg just a little more. Those five minutes are for me; that is my payback and my enjoyment for all the energy and work I invest.
Strangely enough, very few people want safe words. They just think they have to have them. I will give them a slow-down safe word. If they use that, I will honor it and slow down, but I won’t stop the scene completely: I might go back to it. If they are into very stringent activity, I will give them a stop safe word. I pride myself that no has ever had to use a stop word with me. Also, for my own certainty, if a session involves a gag or heavy bondage, I will give them a safe gesture or a safe sound.
During the warm-up I [develop] feelings of closeness with the people I’m working on, an understanding of them. I [appreciate] the aesthetics of what I’m doing that’s specifically pleasing to them. And there’s a spirit of play. When I get to my own personal enjoyment—true sadism—I get turned on. I get aroused by that moment where I’m pushing limits.
There are a few fantasies that turn me on, not many. They all have an element of being pushed: If you are a captive or prisoner, you get pushed. You’re not a slave. I also like embarrassing fantasies because of my strange sense of humor. Embarrassing fantasy [expresses] my intellect, my humor. I like to make people do things that they wouldn’t [ordinarily do]. I like to embarrass someone, because I can play with that embarrassment psychologically. It’s a mental game. My own sense of sarcasm can come out and play. I find that 99 percent of the people I see are turned on by challenging some taboo.
A part of my psychological satisfaction is [having] fun. I like to be mischievous. I like to poke at people: Poke them with physical objects, like sterile needles, and poke at them with humiliation and mind games. Sometimes I like to get somebody into stringent bondage and just laugh [or] make comments, because it’s aesthetically funny. But I’m not a slave trainer. I am not one to train people to stand in the corner or wait on me perfectly. I’ve never been comfortable with that. It is not my forte to train people for service; I train them to become better masochists and to accept more input.
I believe in being myself in the dungeon. Being myself means having a sense of humor. If I do something that is wrong, [if] I tell somebody, “Stand up” and I forget that I tied a knot to their balls and they cannot stand up, I’m not going to cover up. I say, “Oops! I made a mistake. Mistresses are not perfect, haha!” That’s me. This is one of the reasons why I don’t take fantasy slaves. Fantasy slaves tend to think that you’re always dressed in a corset and high-heel shoes and always act a certain way. I tell people that it’s not so. That’s my part in demystifying [S&M]. If somebody calls and says, “I want an appointment at 11:30.” I say, “You can’t, because I’m going swimming at 11:30.” Or “I’ll be riding my bicycle.” And they go, “Shit, she rides a bicycle! Hmmm!”
Part of me wants people to understand that, just like they’re not in the dungeon being a slave 24 hours a day, I’m not in my dungeon. I’m not following my partner around with a whip when he’s making dinner! That’s me. For some people, the full-time lifestyle might be really wonderful; it’s not for me. People who need a standardized image of a sadist won’t get along with me. People who are willing to be themselves will.
Being a professional dominant is a service to the world—and a valuable service. I do not think that one is like royalty, t
hat things are owed to you. I provide a decent service for the people who need it. Sensory deprivation is a service. Nothing in it is for me. It’s all for the client. A lot of people are interested in sensory deprivation, but very few people know how to do it.
I ask people to write back after a heavy session, so I have a lot of [mail] and feedback. [It seems that] people often go into what they call hypnotic trances, altered states. They go inward. I provide a situation [where] they can go inward rather than outward. This experience is the opposite of slave service. I consider myself like a train conductor: I am the driver; the bottom is the train; I discover where the track is, and I have to follow it.
Knowing the physical condition of the people you play with is very important—are there any sports injuries, old injuries, allergies, phobias, physical limitations? Questions should be asked before one engages in any sort of bondage. I do not expect the bottom to remember everything. A lot of people say, “I don’t have any problems!” They get on their knees, and five minutes later say, “Mistress, may I please speak,” and I say, “Is it about safety?” They say, “Yes.” And I say, “What is it?” “My knee’s killing me; I really can’t stay on my knees.” “So how come you didn’t tell me earlier?”
You should not expect your partner necessarily to be able to give you all of the information right away about his body condition. That condition is [critically] important in determining what kind of bondage will be done; this extends to any sort of play. One should not engage in exotic stuff unless you’ve done your homework [and] research. It’s common sense: I’ve never been to medical school, but I took CPR and talk to a lot of people [about these issues]. Heavy bondage, sensory deprivation, suspension would not be good for people who have only been playing for a little while. It takes a long time to acquire skills to do these things. That’s why I have a problem with certain videos that show a woman hanging off the floor, suspended by only [her] breasts or wrists. I feel very strongly about this, because somebody can go home and create a dangerous situation.
You’re required to gather the right information. There are groups throughout the country that provide good information. I really [stress S&M] community involvement, so that you learn. I always learn from others. I also give workshops on the things I know. Safety is really important. You cannot just make a quick list of precautions: There are so many things to take into consideration.
When I started, I was only interested in whipping. Little by little, I was introduced to things by [the] people that wanted them. A bottom or masochist would bring in a new interest, and I would start playing with it and see if I liked it or not. I realized I like a variety of things. That’s how corsets came waltzing into my life! [For me] corsets are a kind of bondage; [it’s] an aesthetic. I enjoy corsetry as a sadist; I enjoy it as a sadistic piece of bondage equipment. And I enjoy the visual.
What I’d really like people to know about S&M is that the display—that which appears to the outsider—and the reality are usually opposites. Somebody may seem to be in intense agony, but might very well be in intense ecstasy. If somebody is in inescapable bondage an outsider might think, Poor them! They’re totally helpless! [But] they might be having a great time, feeling very free about their desire, their emotions, their vulnerability, their catharsis, their sexuality.
JEAN L.
I experience pain as pleasure. I’ve known all my life [that] I have a high threshold for pain. It has to become really severe before I begin perceiving it as actual pain. Otherwise, it is erotic stimulation to me.
Nobody wants to really be hurt [in S&M]. It is a lot more controlled, a lot safer than ordinary stuff being done out there. It’s very important to know this, especially if someone wants to get into some of this stuff. If the thought of it turns them on and they’d like to experiment, [they should] read about it and learn about it first, so that nobody does get hurt. I have taken friends who are straight and shown them how I played.
I can pretty much get into any pain that I choose. I can go to the dentist and [enjoy] having him diddle around with that little metal instrument. But if he was to take that instrument and put it into a cavity, I would experience that as pain and probably jump out of the seat.
I prefer the bottom in most cases, but I probably end up doing 50-50. My guess is that there are 15 or 20 male submissives to every female dominant. There are so many male submissives! Most submissives are not masochists. I have a pet name for it: I call it the “Tie Me Up and Fuck Me School of S&M.” It’s basically, “Please tie me on the bed, maybe spank me a couple of times, pinch my nipples a little, and then fuck me!” And that’s it. That’s not my trip. My trip is pain. When I top and I find somebody who is a masochist, I relish it.
I have had an active fantasy life since I was eight years old, but my fantasies [then] were what I would call goddess-worship fantasies. I was the white goddess. I was the object of men’s worship. [I didn’t develop real] S&M [feelings] until my 20s. I was married at the time, and my husband got a copy of Story of O. We used to lie in bed together and read it. That appealed to me a lot. That was when my first full S&M feelings developed, but [they, too, were] strictly in the realm of fantasy. When I was in my mid-30s I discovered Victorian pornography. I have been and continue to be an extremely active fantasizer about Victorian pornography.
I did not lose my virginity until I was 17 years old. I cannot say for sure what influenced me toward S&M, but I think it stems from an incident [of sexual abuse] when I was eight years old. A couple years after that, I became very ill; the illness involved pain, and I was the center of attention for a few months, so that might have contributed to my interest in pain. [But when I was eight], I lived in Florida. We were an upper-middle-class Jewish family. My mother would give me money to go to the movies alone. That’s a pretty strange thing for a woman to do, to send an eight-year-old female child onto a bus and to the movies alone! A pedophile found me and used a standard pedophile technique of rubbing my leg and gradually working his way up my leg until he was in essence masturbating me. It felt great! I had a sexual orgasm from it.
[But] I had ambivalence: I loved what he was doing, but I knew it wasn’t what should be going on. So the last time, I decided to sit in another place in the theater, thinking he wouldn’t find me. Of course, he did. And this time he got heavier. I can vividly recall this. He took my hand, and he put it on something. I remember thinking that it was smooth like baby skin and so amazingly soft, but underneath the softness there was this really hard inner core. He asked me if I would go home with him, and I knew that was dangerous, that [it] was something I shouldn’t do. So I told him no. Then he asked me to go to the women’s bathroom and to take off my panties and to come back and sit next to him. He took my carfare away.
I went to the bathroom to do what he wanted me to do. I remember looking at myself in the mirror. I was beginning to get scared. So I walked out of the theater and walked the mile home. It was one of those absolutely glorious [Florida] days. While I was walking back, I was repeating over and over to myself like a mantra, “You have to walk because this is your punishment for having enjoyed what happened to you.”
Although it did not entail intercourse or sodomy or oral sex, I certainly lost my innocence. I became an eight-year-old child actively involved in a sexual fantasy life, masturbating, and aware of other people’s sexuality. Because I lost my innocence so young, innocence is something that I value highly. I can’t play with younger people. I draw the line at the early 30s, possibly late 20s. I do not think that children should be sexually involved with older people. I get horrified at the thought of a 25-year-old man having sex with a 16-year-old girl. I know that’s done all the time, but I really believe that children cannot be consensual. They are precious and should be taken care of and their innocence protected. Mine wasn’t.
To me, [play] piercing is a loss of innocence, a loss of virginity. That needle is, in essence, the man’s penis symbolically entering my body. And it’s in a nontraditional are
a of my body. That excites me. I’m a tremendous reader of women’s romances, and within the genre what turns me on the most is the young innocent virgin who is ravished by her first lover. I don’t think women have rape fantasies; I think women have ravishment fantasies. A man adores them to such an extent that he must sexually possess them. Every time I’m pierced, I am devirginized again.
[I edit the Janus newsletter.] The Society of Janus is an educational society. Written right on the business cards is, “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” San Francisco Janus has about 450 members. The one in Los Angeles has [about] 600. [Janus] is not primarily social; it’s not a dating service. You don’t go there to find somebody [to play with]. Its purpose is to teach interested people about S&M.
CASSANDRA
The most intense, special moments of dominance or of submission are things that probably could be described as staring into someone else’s eyes. It’s not so much action as contact between two people. It’s knowing that there’s real communication: a level of trust. When I am with my liege I basically say, “Take me wherever you choose; I wish to learn whatever you have to teach me.” He shows me things about myself that are very valuable to me, that I’ve been afraid of learning but wanted to learn. It’s a kind of compact. It’s much more than just the mechanics of doing a scene.
It was a strong drive in me to submit and to want to be submerged in someone else. I didn’t have much of a struggle with it. The only time it was a problem was if the person I was with started giving me negative stuff about it. But I didn’t have negative thoughts in my own head. My experience up until I came out here was entirely submissive. I was not interested in topping very often. When I did try to top someone, I generally wasn’t very good at it: [I] didn’t want to do this until I knew what I was doing. [Since coming to San Francisco,] I have finally gotten to the point where I understood enough of what I wanted to be able to give those things to someone else. I don’t know any really good tops who don’t also bottom. I can’t really imagine that even the best of tops couldn’t learn more about what they do from bottoming.
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