Different Loving

by William Brame

  I’m currently in the process of moving in with -j-. It was one of those instant serious relationships. We switch a fair amount. It has turned out that I’m mostly dominant within this relationship. It’s interesting the way that evolved. Both of us feel that our greatest fantasy would be to be the slave of the other. I would be perfectly happy if he wanted to be master all the time. I would be the slave all the time and be just thrilled with life in general. I can’t imagine anything better than that. In a way, by being his mistress, I serve him. It’s sort of a circular logic that goes around and around: Whichever one is getting to be the slave is actually the one being served.

  You can require a lot of things from somebody, but you can’t require them to take charge. There are times when it gets very frustrating. Both of us, when we’re topping, are doing it because it is what we want. But I would not want it if he did not want it from me. A major component of my desire to top is the fact that I know how happy it makes him. I get a lot of gratification out of it. It’s not purely sex play. If I’m sitting down and I want him to go and get me something to drink, I’ll say, “Slave, please go get me a glass of water!” [and] he’ll go get me a glass of water. He’s very happy to do it. Sometimes there’ve been stretches when neither of us is in charge because neither of us is really in a state to deal with it. It does take quite a bit of energy and focus to be able to do that.

  When we first got together, most of his experience was with topping. Much of what happened with us just clicked. There were times when I would make a mistake and we would talk about it and figure out what had gone wrong, but for the most part, I was able to give him experiences that were just completely mind-blowing because they were fantasies that he didn’t even know he had. The first time I tied him down, I knew what to do. It’s very frustrating when you finally get somebody to tie you down and you lie there thinking, Well, you could do this, or they start to do something, maybe run their hand lightly along your leg, and you think, Okay, now pinch! and they don’t. I was able to look at his body, and say, “Oh, he wants to be pinched right there!” And, for the most part, I was right on target. It was very gratifying for me to be able to give him this. I knew how intense it was, I knew how wonderful it was, because I knew how much I would have wanted it. I knew that the experiences that I was giving to him were as wonderful as they would have been if they [were] given to me.

  When I top, I can inflict pain. I enjoy doing it primarily because I enjoy the other person’s responses. I don’t enjoy pain for its own sake. I enjoy pain within the context of a scene. A sadist is someone who enjoys pain for its own sake. [So] when I say that I’ve seen someone who’s a sadist, it’s someone who has channeled that desire into consensual activity. The two sadists that I know—one peripherally, one very well—don’t inflict pain without consent. There might be times when they would like to, but they don’t. It’s a matter of self-control and a matter of choosing to live by certain values, certain standards.

  When I was in college I ran into Penthouse Variations and things about bondage and S/M; these fantasies sounded very, very arousing to me. Yet whenever I tried to act some of these things out with lovers, it never worked. It always just hurt. I relegated the whole thing to “works well in fantasy, doesn’t work in reality,” until I met this person who knew what he was doing. I realized that, for most people, especially if you start with heavy pain, it just hurts. You want to start gently and work up to a higher level of sensation … a firm touch can be arousing once you’re already aroused but can be painful [otherwise].

  When I’m with [my liege], I wear a chained padlock around my neck. I’ve talked about wanting to wear it all the time. It’s a very big thing for me. Wearing a chained padlock around your neck to work—it’s a statement. And I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to not be closeted. I can still pass for conventional; I have one [piercing] in each ear, and nothing else that’s obvious unless I undress. My nipples are pierced and my outer labia are pierced, but people running into me in the hall don’t see that. I’ve been feeling more and more inclined to change that but at the same time a bit frightened of it. As of last Friday I have a chained padlock around my neck. Yesterday was the first day I went to work with it. A couple of people who know about what’s going on smiled and said, “Oh, nice necklace.” Other than that, I didn’t get a reaction. I could see people looked at it, but nobody had the nerve to ask!

  It used to be that I wanted to submit because I was afraid. It’s hard to say what I was afraid of—I was afraid of a lot of things. I was very insecure. I wanted someone to say, “Yes, you are my slave” and to actively take control of my life. I didn’t want to be someone’s slave and get kicked around; I wanted to be someone’s slave and be cherished. I was very afraid that I wasn’t approved of, and I wanted to be a slave because I wanted the approval that it represented. I still like the way it feels, but I’m not desperate for it anymore. I don’t feel that something is missing from my life if I can’t have that every moment, though I feel very good when I get it. Now when I submit to the sadist whose chain I wear, it’s not out of fear. It comes from a desire to share and grow with someone else. If I feel that another person has things to show me by dominating me, I will submit to [him or her]. And if I feel that I have things to show someone else by dominating them, then I will encourage [him or her] to submit to me.

  I [know I] want a slave to serve me with his mind as well as his body. I don’t want a puppy dog; I want someone whose goal is to make my life easier, who understands my goals. When my liege asked what the chain around my neck meant to me, I told him that it meant that his joy and his goals are the most important things in my life. For me to serve his goals means that sometimes I tell him when I think that he’s doing something that can go against him. It means that I look for ways to make his life easier without intruding on his energy. And probably the most gratifying moments in my service to him are the times when I am able to help him with a problem with my insight.

  [A year ago,] there were things I knew I wanted to learn. I feel that I’ve learned those things. I’ve learned how to control the fear. I’ve learned how to use my own energy for things I want. I’ve learned how to be who I want to be. I feel like I was standing in a doorway. Now I’ve gone through it and I’m in this new place. I don’t really know what’s around me, and I’m still just looking around and adjusting. I want more of that.

  -j-

  For me, [S/M] isn’t just a physical action; it’s got a spiritual aspect to it. The kind of play we do is not just sex play, it’s shamanism. I use the term S/M to mean “Sex Magic.” It’s transformational, it’s empowering, it’s stuff that I believe gives me access to a lot more than ordinary perceptions. It’s an exploration of fear, for one thing. I think that we limit our lives and our power in the world and our ability to focus on things when there are fears. They cut us off from feelings. They cut us off from one another. They cut us off from being able to tap into some of the less mundane ways of understanding the universe around us. A lot of what’s going on here is learning to face fear and understand it, and [to] recognize how it’s affecting you and taking the power away from the fear. For me, a lot of it is [also] learning to explore sensation and perception and to understand the limits of actions. One of the big things that I’m learning is trust.

  As far back as I can remember as a small child, I’ve had very D&S-oriented fantasies. When I reached puberty the sexual connection became more apparent. In my fantasies I tended to be top. A lot of the fantasies involved women being subjected to all kinds of stuff. A lot of times in the fantasies the woman was me. But I had trouble connecting to that and recognizing that the fleshly person actually wanted that kind of thing. Up until about a year ago I thought that I was a sadist. It was only when I started talking with other people and hearing what’s going on that I realized that there was another side. I didn’t understand what submission was about or why anyone would want to do that.

  I have been surprised by the
things that I was willing to do. I had heard of the concept of master-slave or mistress-slave, and it seemed like an affectation to me. I could see that some people are very intent in their roleplaying, but I didn’t think that was something I could do. I was surprised the first time Cassandra put a collar on me. It floored me. We had been playing around, doing some bondage and stuff, and we were doing some S/M, but we were switching and there wasn’t any roleplaying. On the way [to a concert one night], she said, “We need to have a serious discussion, and depending on how it comes out, I think we may have a lot of fun.” Basically she proposed that I become her slave. My mind went numb when she said that! “You really mean that, don’t you?” And she said. “Yeah.” I was actually short of breath! After some seconds, I said, “Well … yes.” She said “Okay!” And when we got home, she put the collar on me. I think she saw how ripe I was and how she could show me a world in that way. It just made something click in her! And she’s very protective.

  I like a lot of bondage. I really like restrictive bondage. Arms tightly bound behind my back, legs together, maybe even doubled up or hog-tied. I’ve since become acquainted with the virtues of being opened up physically—it’s brand-new for me. As much surface as possible exposed. I like lots of pain. I like whipping. I like caning a lot. A lot of hand playing, biting, pinching, digging fingers way in. It’s interesting, they all have different kinds of ways they communicate to me. Whips I find to be very emotional. Canes are sexy and communicative.

  All of it, of course, is real intimate. One of the things that amazed me happened the night that she first put the collar on me. She put her hands on my face and held my mouth open; I thought she was looking at my teeth. I was very passive and trying to follow [her lead]. After a moment, through a jammed open mouth, I asked, “What are you doing?” You know there’s something interesting about having your mouth held open. She continued to hold it that way, and I started feeling incredibly vulnerable and opened up. And that kind of thing I really love a lot. Things that make me feel vulnerable open me up emotionally.

  I like a lot of teasing, especially when brought into sex play. I like being pushed around a lot, and I have a chain that’s always on, dragging around my back. Just having my body manipulated that way is real cool. One time she had me kneeling on the floor before her, licking her. She would control me, either physically or verbally. [She’d] say, “Okay, you may touch me in this way”—my hands were tied behind my back. Or she’d say, “You may smell me or touch me with the very tip of your tongue.” And then [she’d] stop, pulling me back, just in and out, teaching that way: It was all me getting her off, not her stimulating me. I was absolutely absorbed by it! She’d start getting off and that would get very hot and exciting, and she’d pull me away. It came to the point where my entire focus was just [on] her sensations, making her feel good, getting her off. That was the single thought in my mind! That was real hot.

  One of the things I’ve never had a clear idea of is what kind of limits I have. Part of this exploration is finding where limits are. Once I’ve reached a certain limit and integrated that into my experience, then I can go on to the next step. Every time I think I’ve started understanding how it’s all working, completely new stuff happens. And it takes me around for another loop in terms of physical activities and what I’ll do.

  The [San Francisco S/M] community is very eclectic and it’s magical! It’s one of the wondrous, most [accepting and] loving things that I’ve ever seen. There were so many fears I had tearing around in me about myself—I can’t tell you how knotted up I was for years. It’s something I’ve known about since my childhood; it was my deepest darkest secret. Now it’s something I’m proud of.

  Ten

  BONDAGE

  “I would like to tie you down to this bed,” he said thickly, “and tease, tantalize, and otherwise titillate your fair young body until you scream for mercy. The only kind of pain I have in mind—beyond the occasional pinch or scratch we’ve already tried—is the sweet agony of wanting to come so badly you can’t see straight or remember your name.”

  Her busy hand paused, and she grinned suddenly. “That does sound more interesting than scrambled eggs and coffee. I just don’t know if I understand the tying-up part.”

  —SPIDER ROBINSON1

  The practice of bondage is a blank slate upon which almost any sexual interest or practice may be chalked. Although “whips and chains” is the alleged sine qua non of S/M, there are as many bondage enthusiasts who are repelled by sadomasochistic activities as there are masochists who dislike restraint.

  In this chapter we include a variety of interviewees who embrace bondage in their erotic repertoires. We hear again from Cléo Dubois and feature five profiles:

  • Gene is 41 years old and married. He is an engineer.

  • Michael V. is 38 years old. He was born in Europe and works in computers. He and Slave V. live together.

  • Slave V. is 38 years old. She writes a column for Bondage Pleasures magazine.

  • Robin Young is a 21-year-old computer programmer who lives and works in the Bay Area. He is single.

  • John H. is 28 years old. He is an electrical engineer.

  WHAT IS BONDAGE?

  Bondage is the sensual experience of safe captivity. To be in bondage is to have no options but to accept one’s physical helplessness.

  [When you’re effectively bound] you can think of escaping, but eventually, if you try to escape and realize that you cannot, then a switch goes off in the mind. You have to accept.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  Our research suggests that women and men equally experiment with bondage. Many couples use bondage as a playful, occasional aspect of lovemaking, while enthusiasts explore scenarios intensively and sometimes independently of other erotic activities. It is essential to note, however, that bondage can entail significant physical risks. Virtually every form of bondage places unusual stress on the body. A keen understanding of all potential risks and safeguards to deter any possible injury must precede all experimentation.

  Given the extreme range of motivations and activities, bondage is best defined by its simplest component: restraint.

  I remember just holding women very tightly and it seemed like their sexual tension would heighten. The degree that it would increase always intrigued me. It just felt so much better, and that’s what I gravitated toward.

  —MICHAEL V.

  The ways of incorporating bondage into intimacy are virtually endless.

  … I have studied so-called “bondage” or the playing of “restraint games,” in which one partner ties up the other with greater or less elaboration and then excites them, as it were, solo. The original aim was to determine what to say about this in a popular counselling book: it appeared with surprising frequency not only as a fantasy in both sexes, but as a “required” skill among sexual sophisticates comparable to proficiency in oral sex, and a frequent ingredient in marital histories.

  —ALEX COMFORT2

  The act of restraining a partner during sex is older than humanity. While an absolute parallel is misleading, the urge to restrain is common in the natural world. An incalculable number of species exhibit some type of restraint during coupling: Tomcats grip their mates’ skin in their teeth, and higher primates engage in complex patterns of ritual submission and dominance. But only humans have advanced bondage into a multifarious erotic art.

  There’s bondage that pulls you apart—like racks and suspension, upside-down suspension, and stuff that tugs on your limbs. There’s bondage that stretches, and bondage that pulls things together. There’s bondage that isolates you, like sensory deprivation, and bondage which connects you. Constriction is another sort of bondage. I got to understand that corsets are linked with bondage: it pushes, belts, and tightens things.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  The Koka Shastra (circa 12th Century) describes the women of Andhra as premanibandhanaikanipunaa, which Alex Comfort suggests may be translated as “skilled in sexu
al bondage.”3 Bondage appeared in the ars erotica of both Japan and China. The Chinese sex manuals virtually disappeared under the influence of Confucianism, but the bondage tradition survived in Japan. Depictions of bound women remain a theme of contemporary Japanese pornography and inspire modern-day Westerners.

  I like to do a fair amount of rope bondage. I think the style that I do looks very artistic. It’s somewhat Japanese with intricate patterns. What’s nice about it is it really seems to bring out the best of the woman.

  —MICHAEL V.

  Because of Christianity’s long suppression of eros in the West and the inescapable problems of interpreting classic texts, it is difficult to locate unambiguous historical references to erotic bondage in European history. One can, for example, find numerous quotes in Roman writings which suggest—but do not confirm—that erotic bondage was known. History is, however, rife with examples of people being bound for inhumane purposes. Torture devices such as iron maidens (sarcophagi lined with interior metal spikes) or branks (metal head cages, often with sharp mouthpieces) used by the Inquisitors of medieval Europe are the most infamous examples.