Different Loving

by William Brame

  Lacy, traditionally feminine lingerie, stockings, and heels are also extremely popular (and certainly more affordable than most fetish clothing). Naturally, women are most likely to appear in sexy frills.

  My favorite activities within D&S [include] dressing up in really sexy clothing that I can’t wear to work and going to [an S&M club]. Black stockings with a seam up the back, a garter belt, a bustier, maybe a G-string, really high-heeled [shoes], long black gloves, and a collar with a D-ring. I’d have my hair pulled back and wear long, sexy, dangling earrings and lipstick and blush. And that’s about it.

  —VICTORIA

  Since genderbending is largely an acceptable behavior among D&Sers, many men experiment with women’s finery. While clothes may make the man, frills do not always make a transvestite (nor a fetishist). Some men simply relish the sensuousness of fabrics typically reserved for women.

  I’ve always been attracted to fetish dressing, especially stockings, boots, heels, and such. I’d make a very ugly woman, and I know it, [but] I just like the way the clothes feel. Women get all the sensuous fabrics.

  —ALLEN

  I really like clothing a lot. I’ve always been very conscious of my physical appearance and like checking out other people. I’ve always really gotten off on sexy women’s stuff. I have ’40s tastes: very slick spiked pumps and tailored, form-fitting clothing, stockings and garters and that kind of jazz. The kind of women that get me off are the kind of woman I like to be. [But] just because there are things that I get off on, I don’t recognize them as fetishes. That’s one of those words that I don’t apply to myself comfortably. I thought a fetish was something weird that someone else does!

  —-j-

  Since clothing may also be used to express one’s particular sexual fantasies, some people dress to reflect a variety of fetish interests.

  I don’t know if I’m one of many, or one of few, who rolls the leather, the restraints, the feminization, and the diaper wearing all together. You don’t see many people who are into [so many] cross-interests. Mine are all at opposite ends. [Leather] restraints are tied up with diapers because of the sense of security [I get from them]. It could probably be traced back to the earlier part of my childhood. It was probably natural to tie the secure feeling [in] with women’s clothing, because I wanted to be like my sisters. It sounds very Freudian! At times it’s really a mess to combine those elements: Do you wear the diaper with the stockings and garter belt or not?

  —PHIL T.

  Dressing for pleasure is also a way of celebrating and expanding the sensual imagination. Exotic clothing allows one to undergo a conspicuous, albeit ephemeral, change.

  I think [dressing] really spices things up, because I become different people. That’s exciting for my partner: Instead of just having this one woman, there are other people that he perceives. He can get that distance from me, [so] it’s not, “Oh, here’s my partner who I’ve been with for five years.” It’s, “Who is this exciting person?”

  —LINDSAY

  Few rules exist in the D&S community about clothing, though an aesthetic sensibility is preferred and appreciated. When dressing for pleasure, the most inelegant element that one can display is a lack of imagination.

  WHY DO THEY LIKE IT?

  As the businessperson dresses for success, the D&Ser dresses for sex. Exotic clothing is, to varying degrees, often part of the extended foreplay of D&S. It permits the wearer to enter fully into his or her particular fantasy and remain there for hours at a time. The submissive woman who wishes to be a shameless wanton for the evening may wear no more than lingerie and high heels at a party and experience the immediate thrill of being the object of admiring attention.

  Similarly, clothing can enhance the mystique of power: Dominants frequently feel empowered by the clothing they wear.

  I feel strong in certain clothing. When I walk into a room, I feel it’s easy to take charge if I’m dressed a certain way. I see myself in the mirror, and I feel secure.

  —AVA TAUREL

  Clothing can connote power. Submissives may wear scant or revealing clothing, while dominants seldom display much flesh. Some female dominants like to entice by revealing cleavage and wearing short skirts, and a well-muscled leatherman may make a point of baring his torso, but as a very general rule, the less clothing the dominant wears, the less dominant he or she seems. Dominants, for example, never appear nude at a D&S gathering, whereas a submissive may be fully or partly nude, depending on the circumstances.

  Many partners experiment with different looks for different occasions, thus altering their personae according to their erotic moods.

  My partner and I have been together about five years, and part of keeping it exciting is playing the role of being somebody different—changing my hair, changing my image [with] clothes, whether I look pure and virginal or trashy and seductive. I like to devote [my energy] to pleasing [him]. We don’t just do the basic in-out; it becomes hours and hours of play. I think that’s [what] I like about our sex. It’s something I find generally in S&M: It can be very childlike in that you get to play. It’s not just sex—it’s the roleplaying that makes it so fun. You can become somebody else. It’s like the pretend world that most of us had as children.

  —LINDSAY

  Fetish clothing often exaggerates, exposes (either seductively or in a humiliating way), displays, or restricts.

  I love wearing humiliating clothes. My master [bought] me a pair of long-John pajamas with a drop bottom. I [also] have a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. It’s a very short plaid miniskirt that I wear with boots and embarrassing lacy panties and a cute little top. I wear pigtails when I wear it.

  —BAMBI BOTTOM

  Restrictive garments particularly appeal to many exotic dressers.

  My biggest turn-on in wearing fetish gear is the direct physical feeling of having it on my body. I like to wear things under street clothes when I go out, though some of the harnesses and straps get very uncomfortable after a short time. I enjoy the feeling that my genitals are down there, and when I wear restrictive clothing, I’m reminded all the time.

  —ALLEN

  Restrictive garments evoke both the sensation and the image of bondage and D&Sers who enjoy bondage are particularly fond of tight corsets or confining rubber wear. The garments themselves may be sexually exciting.

  When I wear particular garments, it arouses me. Even if I’m just alone in a room wearing those garments, it arouses me to feel these things on my body and to touch them. It gets me in a certain mood, [even] prior to seeing someone who can enjoy it with me.

  —AVA TAUREL

  Clothing is also used to establish the mood and reality of erotic play.

  I love French maid service because of how humiliating and embarrassing it makes me feel. [I wear] little lacy gloves, a little lacy hat, a little apron around this black [PVC] dress with the breasts cut out, petticoats under the dress, a garter belt, fishnet stockings, five-inch heels with locks on the ankle straps, the whole thing. Ifs the most uncomfortable, humiliating, frilly, lacy little thing! I was a tomboy as a kid. I would never have worn this as a little girl, and ifs particularly embarrassing. It puts me in my place, and I love that.

  —BAMBI BOTTOM

  INTERVIEWS

  MARIE-CONSTANCE

  Every human being, to a lesser or greater degree, has an interest in [the general area of D&S], but most won’t perceive themselves that way. My own children can’t understand what this is all about. They are very conventional and not at all open-minded toward it, which really surprises me, given that they were exposed to as much as they have been exposed to—open-mindedness and discussion about all kinds of things. I have always been open with them. I never wanted them to find out anything about me from someone else. I’ve always been honest, but I would advise parents not to be: It’s very difficult for a child to accept a parent’s sexuality. No matter what it is.

  The most important thing in any [marital] relationship is honesty. Frequentl
y it’s the man who has the fetish. He tells his wife, “I like rubber and I want to wear rubber when we have sex.” And she says, “Uck! You must be nuts!” The man never finds out what his wife is interested in. He doesn’t explore her fantasy. Understanding takes time, and the probing of your fantasies with your mate, and a really sincere interest in finding out what your mate [likes].

  I’ve talked to thousands [of people]. Our mailing list at present has 10,000 people. People come to me and ask me to help them open their mates up, and I try my best. Frequently I advise both people to talk to me. I try to help them strengthen their relationship and to share what’s deeply embedded in their psyches. “CRT” is what I usually say: Care, Respect, and Trust are the ingredients that go into a good relationship, whether it’s a straight relationship or a kinky one.

  I know that there are many hundreds of thousands [of people interested]. This is confirmed by the number of magazines that are published. There are mail-order businesses which cater to people with specific interests. For example, The Transvestian [a newspaper], may have 20,000 on their list for that publication alone. The [parent company] has two other publications, which may have [many] thousands more [apiece]. And that’s just one small aspect of fetishism: cross-dressing.

  I have only met three men who could top me. It’s an intellectual meeting: If one cannot capture me intellectually, he certainly cannot capture me in any other way. It takes a unique individual, one with sensitivity. I myself was in biomedical electronics and instrumentation and teaching. I have made some connections with different professions and different interests—that has been very interesting to me. I find that mathematicians and engineers, people who are very structured, tend to be very involved in bondage. I explored with a number of different people and found it rather laughable that these gentlemen who considered themselves dominants were not dominants at all—they were submissives! I found myself much more comfortable in the role of the dominant. That’s how it all started about 12 years ago. I’ve come a long way in a short time. But when I do something, I always do it wholeheartedly.

  I’ve always been sensitive to other people: empathetic and sympathetic. As a result, I’ve learned a lot about myself in learning about others. After I became involved in the Scene, I began to recall situations that I had been in that made me terribly excited and that I had obviously repressed. As I was doing something to someone, I could remember feeling an emotional response to someone taking control. I’m such a controlling person. I recalled that years ago I had been in a sexual relationship with someone and he pinned my hands back behind my head. It was terribly thrilling for me because I trusted this man. He made me feel helpless, which is what all controlling people want.

  I always want to learn more about people and to understand why they chose a particular fetish—how it turns them on or where it originated from. That’s interesting. I’ve always been very analytical about myself and have been through analysis, but I’ve probably learned more about other people than I have about myself.

  In my speeches at the Dressing for Pleasure events, I ask people to be tolerant of others’ interests. Even within a particular fetish, you find people at opposite ends of the interest and critical of the others. For instance, we will have a table of people who are serious corset people. These people draw their waists in month by month, year by year, to smaller and smaller dimensions. They are very straight-laced. Then there are corset people who wear a corset for the fun or for the look of it—they might wear it over a garment—not to reduce the waist but to minimize the appearance of the waist.

  [The issue of likes and dislikes] depends upon the individual. Everybody has his or her own fetish. If I’m turned on by the person, I’ll be turned on by his particular fetish.

  [My businesses] grew by listening to what people wanted and needed. People wrote, and I would send a letter with my phone number. They would call and find a sympathetic ear. It seemed to mean so much to so many people. I was really impressed with people’s need to know that there was someone who was sincere about the Scene. For many publishers, this is strictly a business venture, rather than a personal thing. I was doing this because this was an interest of mine.

  [A fetish] I would have guessed was small but which is quite large is adult babies. We cater to a number of them, because we sell plastic rompers to wear over diapers. We [were referred to] a man who has [an] adult-babies list, and we did a mailing to them; it was quite a large response. I find that many of the adult babies act like babies: They will call at 2:00 A.M. and expect to be reprimanded. We had to turn off our phone system [late at night]. It’s not funny when you’re awakened in the middle of the night and get a call back immediately. This person really wants to be punished, and he’s acting like a baby!

  Constance Enterprises started when I took a trip to England in September 1986 and attended a party with the publisher of Skin Two magazine. The magazine is beautifully composed—definitely a fetish magazine, but one both beautiful and intelligent, not like a lot of the sleaze that’s available. The publisher asked me to handle all the U.S. inquiries. I had just resigned from the company that I was running and was floundering as to what I was going to do next. I thought this magazine was something that I could be proud to identify with. I shipped Skin Two to those who had made inquiries. I also had the names of about 200 people I had met in the Scene. I handwrote these people that Skin Two was going to be available through me. I did all right: The 200 names multiplied.

  [Slowly], we grew. Different magazines started to write articles about [us]; different organizations would find out about us and write to their memberships. And that’s how the mailing list increased—little by little, by word of mouth and publications that gave us free PR. Listening to what people wanted, I went out and sought other books, other magazines. Now we carry hundreds of magazines, books, and videos. I also hold the Dressing for Pleasure gala each year. As a result of that, I publish a magazine called Dressing for Pleasure in America, which is a documentary of the different events. I produce a video, too, containing interviews with people who are there.

  [When I started the gala] it took a long time to find a hotel that would consider having such an event. Many hotels turned their noses up. I said it was going to be a proper event, a very upscale event. Certainly it would be an expensive event! It didn’t matter to them. But the Penta Hotel in New York was wonderful. The Penta is known as a fashion-industry hotel, and they welcomed me with open arms. They had a beautiful ballroom and wonderful runways, and they were very eager to have this be successful, which it was. So for the first three years I held it there. The Penta is very large, however, and attendees were embarrassed about riding the elevators with other guests, some of whom would laugh. I went to the Roosevelt Hotel in 1990 and everything went beautifully. Management invited me back before we left, saying, “It was such a beautiful event; people were so well behaved. We would like you to do the show again next year at our hotel.” I thanked them but booked the New Jersey Meadowland Hilton [instead]. It is small, and we’ve taken the entire hotel. People don’t have to worry about outsiders looking at them and laughing, [or] children saying, “Mommy, Mommy, look!”

  Dressing for Pleasure has grown to be a two-and-a-half-day event. We have a vendors’ boutique, a fashion show on Friday; a cocktail reception and a sit-down dinner followed by a dance on Saturday. There is also a Sunday brunch to give attendees the opportunity to exchange phone numbers and to see each other for one last farewell. In previous years we’ve had people from 22 states and many foreign countries: England, Holland, Germany, France, Switzerland, Saudi Arabia, New Zealand, Australia, [and] Italy. This year—1992—I expect 600 attendees. We also have various workshops. There will be one on chastity belts and a general lecture and demonstration on whip making. There will be a separate hands-on whip-making workshop. There’s going to be one on censorship led by an attorney. There will be workshops on latex, on fantasy outfits, on how to play sanely and safely, and on how to train a lady’
s sissy maid. Another workshop is on corsetting and how to reduce your waist.

  I opened the Dressing for Pleasure Showroom because people were constantly asking me to order clothing and specialty items for them. [In 1990], I finally rented a little office in Upper Montclair that I turned into a showroom. When I had the grand opening, we had hardly anything in the showroom. Now it’s so jam-packed you can hardly move. I have something for everyone. For example, Tollyboy chastity belts, from England, are exquisite. However, almost everything in England [dealing] with fetishes is a cottage industry. An order takes a minimum of six months. I knew a retired engineer who purchased these chastity belts for himself and his wife. When he discovered that, despite the accuracy of his measurements, his belt didn’t fit properly, he said, “I can do this!” I asked him to prove to me that he could make one, and he did. We now offer people the option of purchasing a belt from England or one that’s made in the United States. I’m always looking for good craftspeople who do quality work.

  Is there S&M after 50? I have noticed that [the interest] stops in some women. I’ll give you an example: A gentleman contacted us a number of years ago. He said, “I heard from friends that you might be interested in having my bondage board. I can’t use it anymore.” Mutual friends had told me that one could walk into their house and see the wife shackled in the doorway. But his wife reached menopause and suddenly said, “I don’t want any of this around anymore. I’m not interested.” She also ceased being interested in sex. So in many cases, what turned on an individual prior to menopause [may] turn them off after menopause because the whole body chemistry changes. That can come in one’s 40s, 50s, [or] 60s. It can also come in the 30s. It doesn’t happen with all people, but I’ve personally known three cases where it did. However, I also know people in their 70s who are still playing.