Different Loving

by William Brame

  Women who are transvestites or cross-dressers would have the same psychological characteristics as described above for men. Women who wear masculine-style clothing but who are “obviously” women do not fall into this category. Cross-dressing is a gender statement with erotic overtones, not a fashion statement. I estimate that the number of women who fit this definition is vanishingly small, perhaps one ten-thousandth of a percent of the female population.

  There are many other reasons for adopting the clothing of the other gender. For example, theatrical productions may use cross-dressing for comedic or sinister effects. Some Like It Hot and Psycho are two classic films that employ this technique. Also, there are female impersonators for whom cross-dressing is an integral part of their act. Sometimes cross-dressing is used as a disguise to commit a crime or [to] hide from the law. Lastly, there are gay males who use “drag” as a way to attract sexual partners. None of these examples fits the clinical definition of cross-dressing.

  Gender dysphoria usually defines only a severe clinical dislocation of a person’s gender identity. Many people who cross-dress are not gender dysphoric in that sense. Anecdotal data suggest that there are a large number of male transvestites who never have felt the need to go to a clinician, or who have gone once and found that the average clinician is unable to help. For example, the obsessive nature of transvestism can be very disruptive in their life and relationships. Generally, those who come to clinical settings do so because of the problems that cross-dressing causes in their life.

  Neither transsexualism nor the desire to cross-dress has been eliminated by any clinical approach, so one might theorize that there is some biological basis. This idea is further strengthened by the observation that such behaviors are reported throughout history and in a wide variety of cultures. The higher incidence of transgendered males may be caused, in part, by the fact that all fetuses will develop as female unless there are appropriate hormonal actions that both defeminize and masculinize the male fetus. If one assumes that in some cases these processes do not go to completion during the gestation period, one could hypothesize that there is a partial female construct in the brain that is activated by social factors.

  Most male cross-dressers seem to come from middle- and upper-middle-class environments. They generally have some education beyond high school. A large percentage have professional vocations—doctors, lawyers, engineers, stockbrokers, clergy, etc. Minorities are underrepresented in the various social organizations that support cross-dressers. Whether this is economic or social is difficult to determine. All age ranges seem to be represented with the exception of the under-20 population. My own observations suggest that this is primarily an economic phenomenon. Most organizations hold their meetings at locations that require a car for access. Further, there is an emphasis on “doing it right,” which costs much money for clothing, wigs, and makeup. [The cost of attending] conventions, while held all over the country, are high. Also, there needs to be sufficient freedom to be away from their job for some time. Few of these conditions exist for the younger cross-dresser and may be a reason why the professional man is overrepresented in the cross-dressing culture.

  The “typical” male cross-dresser is strongly heterosexual [and] married. He [also] may often have engaged in hypermasculine activities in an attempt to prove his masculinity and/or to submerge the cross-dressing feelings. A large percentage probably has some guilt over their desire to cross-dress; but many have come to terms with their feelings. Unfortunately, many cross-dressers are very self-centered, which interferes with personal relationships.

  While some may have been abused as children and/or have had a substance-abusing parent, the majority seems to have had a relatively normal childhood. There is some very sketchy information that found transgender and/or homosexual behavior in several members of one family, but the numbers are so small as to be inconclusive. If one asks the average cross-dresser, the most common reason [given for cross-dressing] would probably be forced cross-dressing as a child or some other sociological effect. Some might link it to the erotic component. John Money and his description of lovemaps would probably support this latter explanation.

  The social challenge facing the cross-dresser is acceptance by society at large—at least this is what they would like. Their fantasy of such acceptance is that they could decide, each day, which gender role they would like to present to the world and have the world accept that. However, until society places an equal value on masculinity and femininity and allows for behaviors that are a blend of the two, there is little chance of achieving this acceptance. The cross-dresser moves between gender roles and so remains visible. This inability to make up his mind gains him the same censure as the bisexual who also “can’t make up his/her mind.”

  As with cross-dressers, transsexuals are found in all cultures, both past and present. Similarly, they find social acceptance is low. The transsexual, with or without genital surgery, will strive to be indistinguishable from the general population.

  Transsexualism is found in both males and females, with various ratios reported. In primary transsexualism gender identity is opposite to observable genital sex. There are no observable physical or hormonal anomalies that might explain these feelings. Transsexualism is often found at a much earlier age than transvestism, because the transsexual child will strongly assert that [he or she is] of the other gender.

  Generally there are more males than females who exhibit this behavior. Compared with transvestism, it is a much rarer phenomenon with estimates of one in 40,000 to 50,000 births. There is little if any eroticism associated with wearing clothing of the other gender, because such clothing is seen as normal for their perceived gender identity. The best way to understand sexual-partner choice for transsexuals is to use their preferred gender identity rather than their sexual anatomy as the guide. Sexual-partner choice can be either heterosexual or homosexual, and, in male-to-female transsexuals, it appears that both forms are commonly found. For the female-to-male, it appears that there are more heterosexual than homosexual relationships. In some cases, the person avoids all sexual interactions, because there is too much psychological discomfort caused by the fact that their genitalia do not match their gender identity.

  About 10 percent of transsexuals eventually undergo genital surgery (“sex change”) and live full-time as members of the other gender. The balance are either unable to afford the procedures, which may cost $50,000 or more, or are not suitable candidates due to other psychological or social problems. Even without such surgery, they may cross-live in the other gender role and would be called transgenderists. Anecdotal data also suggests that many, perhaps a majority, of transsexual persons will end up in a clinical setting looking for hormonal and surgical intervention. Probably the increased exposure by the media makes someone with a transsexual inclination aware of these remedies. Unfortunately, there are very few clinicians who have the experience to work effectively with such clients.

  Transsexuals seem to come from lower- and middle-class environments. Education levels will often be less than for the cross-dresser. Speculation suggests that the amount of gender discomfort they experience is so crippling that achievement in other social or educational spheres is very difficult. While all age ranges are represented, the transsexual found both in support groups and clinical settings tends to be younger, 20 to 30 years [old]. One might theorize that the emotional pain they feel causes them to seek help earlier. There is some evidence of the older transsexual, 50-plus years [old], in clinical settings. These people are generally males who have “done their duty” to family and children and now feel they can no longer live in the masculine gender role. A similar phenomenon is true for the female-to-male, who has often been married and had children before arriving at the clinic.

  While there have been some clinical attempts to show primarily behavioral causation, e.g., Robert Stoller, such studies do not seem to represent the majority of transsexuals. The typical transsexual would probably state tha
t the cause is biological, although this can not be proven. However, most transsexuals are not interested in reasons but simply want to move as quickly as possible to the preferred gender role.

  The psychological problems facing the transsexual essentially stem from the need to unlearn one gender role and learn the other. Without accomplishing this switch, they can be socially unacceptable and uncomfortable in the chosen gender role. The primary therapist often has a key role in this learning process. Another source of assistance are the groups that support transsexuals. Generally there is little guilt surrounding these feelings, [but] there can be anger or frustration at society’s unwillingness to understand and support the need for transition.

  The process of permanently changing gender roles should be guided by the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association’s Standards of Care. In a clinical setting it is crucial that the client be considered socially and emotionally ready for this switch. By this time hormone therapy has sufficiently altered the person’s body to permit a reasonable chance at passing in the other gender role. For the male-to-female, electrolysis for beard removal should be nearly complete. Changing to the other gender role brings its own problems; so other psychological or emotional problems should be resolved before proceeding. A minimum of a year of full-time living and working in the chosen gender role is required by the Standards of Care before a recommendation for surgery will be made. The people who follow the Standards of Care and complete genital surgery do not regret the decision. The stories one hears about such regrets can usually be traced to situations where the Standards of Care have been either ignored or subverted.

  Less than 50 percent of clients at a gender clinic will make it to the point of changing gender roles. A variety of factors, including cost, [account for] this reduction. Overall, less than 10 percent of those persons who enter a gender clinic will complete genital surgery; a few will cross-live without the surgery. Cost is a large factor, but some find that living full-time in the other gender role is not what they had expected.

  In my opinion, transsexuals are less likely to engage in unusual sexual practices. Once living in the gender role of choice, they would be considered a typical “vanilla” member of that gender role. While there are certainly transsexuals who remain visible, they are the minority.

  There is another segment of the gender community that is called transsexual: Usually they are males who have used female hormones—often without medical supervision—to enlarge their breasts. They have not undergone surgery to change their genitalia to a feminine form and may still be capable of getting an erection. They are called transgenderists, which means somewhere in between cross-dressers and transsexuals. These transgenderists are often seen in sexually oriented and X-rated videos. They act out whatever role is called for in the script. These can include S&M or B&D scenes, and the transgenderist may take either a dominant or submissive role.

  CHRISTINA

  Many people in more conventional sexuality areas tend to think that cross-dressers and any [so-called] deviant [sexuality practitioners] are strange and to be shunned. I think we’re a lot healthier than many of the other types of mainstream sexualities, in the sense that we recognize that we have these feelings and we don’t deny them. We try to be honest to ourselves. These types of behaviors are a part of us; they’re not something we can be cured of—not a disease or a condition. It’s simply part of who we are.

  Cross-dressing is not so much fooling somebody as doing it well enough that I’m accepted for who I am. I would rather have [people] believe I’m a woman than have them say, “That’s a guy wearing a dress.” But [that’s] not [why I do it]. I do it because I love it. When I get dressed up to go to a cultural event, [dressing] up is a rite in itself. It’s not necessary for me to think about [fooling] people or how I’m going to interact with people. I’m doing it for me. [And], if I’m at a play, it’s easy for me to enjoy the play. I will get a lot out of it: [The cross-dressing] is part of the experience. I don’t think that sexual pleasure comes necessarily [or] immediately from cross-dressing. But the pleasure is definitely there, and it’s part of the total experience. The traditional sexual activities now and then do accompany or follow, but for the most part it’s not a necessity.

  I’m not into D&S. I’ve talked to a lot of my people that are. Cross-dressing to them is a form of being humiliated by their partner. That’s not the way I relate to it at all. [But] I’m a very accepting person. I don’t judge people. There’s so much diversity in humanity that I just don’t care to say that something is bad or good. I don’t think cross-dressing is something that needs to have a value. People do it or they don’t do it: They’ll do it if they find pleasure from it, and they won’t do it if they don’t. I think that’s the bottom line.

  For me, gender and sexuality are not clearly defined. I simply cannot recognize a discrete border between masculine and feminine, either in terms of gender or in terms of sexuality. It’s going to take me a lot of personal work to get to a place where I can make sense out of this. [But] I’m in support groups, and I actually lead a support group on it; so it’s not like I’m just fishing in the dark. To me, it’s more than a neurotic fantasy. To get metaphorical—or cliché—about it, I could say that it goes to the very fiber of my existence. As a person, or as a spirit, what I’ve realized is that gender differences are pushed onto you by society. They are not innate. As spirit[s], we’re basically genderless. In that context, I feel relatively free to explore in any way I choose. But a body was given to me, and I ought to explore what that means before I give it up.

  I’ve never had any sexual relationships with men. I’m not [spontaneously] attracted to men. But in meditation I’ve been able to create relationships with men that have not been distasteful to me. At this point I’m only attracted to women. This confuses me, because I’m not actually sure that my gender is masculine. It’s possible and even likely that I am a male-to-female transsexual. I haven’t gone through the therapy to discover that [yet].

  I fantasize a lot about having sex on the female side. Part of imagining feminine images in oneself, I think, is honoring feelings. When I see a woman [who] I’m attracted to, there’s a dichotomy. On the one hand, you’re interested in asking the person out and getting to know [her] as an individual, perhaps lovingly and, ultimately, sexually; on the other hand, you’re interested in how she relates to being a woman—what she feels in her clothes, how she feels in her relationships, and how it might feel to actually be her. And so there’s a conflict. A transsexual goes through all of these feelings in the space of 30 or 40 seconds, and that gets very confusing.

  The feelings in me go way back. When I was [about] three years old, I asked my mother to make me a blue dress. She did, and I wore it a lot until I outgrew it. I didn’t think about that again until around age 12, and I started to cross-dress again. My mom was a pretty good seamstress, so she took in a lot of sewing from friends. Some of the sewing was dresses for kids my age. So while the rest of the family was busy, I’d grab [an] outfit and go into my room and try it on. I experimented with bras and other types of underwear and how to make the feeling as accurately feminine as I could. It wasn’t until much, much later that I realized that trying to make the feelings accurate was an unproductive way to go about it.

  Women always terrified me. Part of it was that getting close to a woman was just too close to something that I was in partial denial of. [I] felt incredible guilt and shame about it. In terms of relationships, it caused me serious problems, but in terms of my emotional ability and my ability to function in the classroom and to excel in schoolwork, it didn’t affect me. For a long time it was impossible for me to approach women on any kind of intimate level, because the feelings of guilt and shame were too. A lot of the friendships I’ve had with men have also been a little bit [strained] or tenuous, because I couldn’t relate to the kinds of intimacy that other men had. So it was difficult for me to relate to people. About five years ago I learned some self
-hypnosis and meditation techniques and finally went into counseling on some specific issues. Basically, through lots of introspection and from several realizations I had in counseling, I was able to [attain] a pretty high level of self-acceptance.

  Many times it’s very exciting to put on a feminine front and go out and interact in the world. It’s [also] very scary. You’re always on an emotional edge when you do something like that. I’ve thought a lot about whether it’s an exhibitionist sort of thing, and I’ve decided it’s not: For me, it’s a way to affirm and acknowledge a part of [myself]. As I do it more, I get better at it. I can imagine that eventually I will be able to function in society as a woman. [But] I really like to get dressed up [as a man, too].

  [One of my most fulfilling experiences was when] I got my ears pierced and got a permanent for my hair—my hair’s pretty long. I wore a really fancy dress and wore pierced earrings for the first time. I had intentionally done the whole job and done as good a job as I can and spent the whole day with it. [I] went shopping for clothes and everything. That was a profound experience. I felt that I’d actually made it into femininity. I’d actually accomplished my goal of understanding what it was like to be a woman. For example, I [was able to] relate to the idea of being attractive to a man. That was a strange feeling for me.

  I am very fond of wearing wedding gowns. The feeling of putting on a wedding gown is one of the most incredibly feminine feelings you could ever imagine. It’s just fantastic.

  I’m also fascinated by pregnancy and childbirth. I fantasize oftentimes about being pregnant. Sometimes [my] cross-dressing entails wearing padding in the belly. Strictly from the point of view of a cross-dresser who’s trying to pass, it’s the same kind of trick a magician pulls: It distracts your eye from the principal illusion. No one would guess that this person who is pregnant is a cross-dresser. It lets me get away with stuff I might not otherwise get away with. Wearing maternity clothes is an interesting feeling also. It’s a different perspective on femininity. The mother-goddess and the archetypes of nurturing are much more in the foreground in that situation. That’s a big part of who I am. I relate well to that kind of imagery. And pregnancy, childbearing, breastfeeding [are] all part of [it].