Different Loving

by William Brame

  My mother died very recently, and I’m still in the throes of handling her estate and getting my living situation handled. Survival issues are taking priority right now. This all interrupted the process of finding a competent therapist. Within a year I will find a therapist and see if I’m a candidate for sexual-reassignment surgery. I don’t feel able to make the decision myself. I will need therapy to help [me] make the decision.

  Twenty-Two

  PLAYING ON THE GENDER LINE IN D&S

  For many D&Sers, uninhibited exploration of gender roles is an important component of erotic play. Men as well as women perceive the chance to experiment with the “other side” of the gender line as an opportunity to express fully complex and often hidden aspects of their personalities. But not everyone who experiments with cross-dressing is necessarily a transvestite or a transsexual.

  In this chapter we hear from a wide variety of individuals who incorporate some form of gender play in their D&S interactions. We feature five interviews:

  • Deirdre is 43 years old and married. He works in manufacturing and medical supplies.

  • Cheryl Haggerty is 35 years old and married. He owns a consulting business.

  • Gypsy is 49 years old and a divorced mother. She is a teacher and lives with a male-to-female transvestite.

  • Kelly T. is 33 years old and has a young daughter. She is trained as an engineer and is a technical consultant.

  • Ray is 40 years old. He is Kelly’s master. Ray is a teacher.

  GENDER PLAY IN D&S

  Transgenderism is conceived of and played out in D&S interactions in innumerable ways.

  The number of possible ways to play on the line between masculinity and femininity is as great as the number of different ways to play on the line between dominance and submission. When you combine the two, the state of sexuality is almost limitless.

  —ROBIN YOUNG

  A significant number of people who explore gender transformation in a power relationship neither think of themselves as nor fit the clinical definition of transvestites. They do not necessarily experiment with such clothing when alone, and when cross-dressing is introduced, it is typically a small component of a larger power dynamic. Nor is cross-dressing a meaningful element of their fantasies outside of specific D&S contexts. Instead, it may be an occasional feature of their erotic interactions, often at the instigation of the dominant who wishes to discover which types of experiences are most satisfying to both partners.

  Gender play permits people to breach social taboos about masculinity or femininity. For some, it opens previously untraveled erotic territory; experimentation may reveal unrealized (or even unknown) aspects of their personalities.

  Just as a person may become aware of his or her “inner child,” so may a man become aware of a female within, or a woman become aware of a male within.

  —M. CYBELE

  Gender play is also a means of exploring the power relationships between partners. Submissive men who are otherwise uninterested in cross-dressing, for example, may be highly aroused when a dominant demands that they wear an article of feminine attire, particularly lingerie. It is a proof that the dominant can do whatever he or she wishes to the submissive—even changing the submissive’s gender identity. For some submissive men who are particularly self-conscious about their masculinity, gender play can represent a supreme but desirable form of erotic humiliation.

  In some cases a fetishistic thrill may be associated with the garment, as when a male rubber fetishist is told to wear a rubber skirt. Or the garment may have a special meaning; for example, when a female dominant orders her husband to wear an article of her clothing. While gender play seems to be primarily the bailiwick of male D&Sers, some women (especially lesbians) find it exciting to assume a masculine role or wear men’s attire. In this respect, gender explorations reflect a broader social inquiry into traditional models of gender behavior.

  Overall, gender play is an opportunity to express different personae rather than confining oneself to a single fixed sensual role. Gender play enables participants to experiment with different, perhaps seemingly contradictory, socially taboo, impulses and activities. Some dominant women, for example, will wear a dildo to penetrate their partner.

  I like genderbending. I like to pack a dick personally. I wear 501’s [and] I always [wear] a built-in dildo harness.

  —LAURA ANTONIO

  TRANSVESTISM IN D&S

  Transvestites are a somewhat different breed of cat from gender players. As a group, their single greatest satisfaction comes from cross-dressing. TVs generally discover their cross-dressing interest within themselves before they explore it with a partner, and many will pursue it independently throughout their lives. Because the vast majority of transvestites are men who dress as women, when referring to TVs, we generally mean male-to-female.

  While many TVs do not pursue power relationships, a significant percentage of all TVs at least share some D&S fantasies.

  A review of fantasy literature written for the cross-dressing male would indicate a strong interest in [D&S]. Themes for such literature abound with forced cross-dressing and forced feminization. Usually there is a strong fetishistic component with long descriptions about the sensuality of wearing women’s clothing. Heavy corsetting is also a common theme, with leather/latex clothing a close second.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  But even among TVs who engage in D&S, the power dynamic may often be secondary to, albeit inextricably linked to, cross-dressing. Partners develop sometimes elaborate scenarios in which the cross-dressing is the focal point.

  It’s like [he’s] another woman, and you treat [him] absolutely, totally like a woman: talk to [him] like he’s a woman, and act as if it’s two lesbians together. There’s an art to that. It takes a lot of skill and it takes a lot of patience, particularly if you really want a guy.

  —MORGAN LEWIS

  Some TVs also enjoy D&S in their biological gender, though the activities tend to be somewhat different from what they enjoy when cross-dressed. For example, a male-to-female might enjoy mild genital torture when au naturel, while such play would destroy the feminine illusion when he’s cross-dressed.

  Typically, women who cross-dress seem to prefer a dominant role, although some explore submission. Conversely, while most male-to-female TVs enjoy a submissive role, some prefer to be in control.

  My style [of dressing] will very often be in the mode of a dominant mistress.

  —DEIRDRE

  Dominant male-to-female TVs may especially enjoy roleplaying as a maternal figure. Still, submissive fantasies are, by and large, the most popular.

  In the cross-dressing community, the majority of the [male-to-female] cross-dressers want to play the submissive side. Men usually have to take the dominant, aggressive role, even in a straight relationship—taking care of the little woman, paying the bills, satisfying her sexually. I think men occasionally want an aggressive woman to please them.

  —GYPSY

  Dressing as females enables submissive male-to-female TVs to experience helplessness. The favored female roles are generally those of either forbidden or conspicuous sex objects.

  To perceive femininity as inherently more submissive or more vulnerable than masculinity suggests a likely misogynistic basis for TV fantasies. Although TVs usually are keen advocates of women’s rights and place an extremely high value on social egalitarianism, their sexuality may be predicated on childhood notions of femininity that clash with their adult points of view.

  A gender transformation scene is not just about control and power, nor is it just about roleplay; it’s also about gender stereotypes. A lot of feminist dominants get upset because they feel that their feminist principles are compromised by this game. I’m an ardent feminist, but I believe in working within the system. Just because somebody feels a certain way, I’m not going to reject him; I would rather work with him and explore and educate. Besides, sexual fantasies often are not politically correct. One’
s mind may believe one thing and one’s genitals another.

  —M. CYBELE

  And although TVs may feel that they can completely experience their own sexual vulnerability only by being dressed as females, they also honor the power of the dominant woman they emulate or submit to. Many find that cross-dressing helps them to affiliate with feminine power.

  The whole feminine archetype of the great mother—the archetype of Mother Earth, of creating new life and nurturing it—is the part of femininity that attracts me.

  —CHRISTINA

  Being able to play on the gender line also represents the consummate form of emancipation. Many TVs feel that the period when they are cross-dressed is a time of complete psychic and sensual freedom. They are liberated from the constraints of social obligations, and the range of acceptable behavior is now vastly expanded. Men who in their daily lives feel they must always present a hard, competitive front can, while cross-dressed, display more sensitive or vulnerable tendencies.

  Since the vast majority of male-to-female TVs are heterosexual, most fiction focuses on the submission to a dominatrix. This female authority may be exceedingly strict or forbidding; she may be a benevolent goddess or maternal confidante who initiates the TV into the mysteries of womanhood by teaching the TV how to pass. Many TVs, however, feel capable of a bisexual encounter. Submitting to a dominant man, for example, intensifies their sense of being female. And since TVs wish to live out the female role as authentically as possible, submissives may fantasize about being roughly treated like a girl by a man. This fantasy is not uncommon, but most TVs are extremely uncomfortable about direct sexual contact with other men.

  WHAT DO THEY LIKE?

  Erotic coercion is a chief ingredient of many submissive TV fantasies: An otherwise macho man is compelled to wear feminine attire by an angry woman. Often the scenario centers on a wife who, exasperated by her husband’s inconsiderate behavior, decides to “teach him a lesson” by forcing him into a petticoat. Or the woman may announce that nothing less than his complete transformation into a painted woman will cure him of some concocted crime.

  In fantasy literature the cross-dresser is most often found in the submissive role. Being a maid or in service to a dominant woman are common roles.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  Such fantasies frequently entail a torrid emotional drama: The TV must submit to the woman’s authority or he will lose her affections, his job, or his social position.

  The coercion fantasy may reflect many TVs’ uneasiness about their erotic impulse to wear women’s clothing. By being forced into feminine attire, they no longer bear responsibility for their desire and do not need to feel ashamed or guilty.

  I [would] guess that some cross-dressers who practice D&S, generally in the submissive role, may use this avenue as a way to eliminate the guilt they feel over cross-dressing. In other words, if someone “makes” them cross-dress, then it is not their fault and so they don’t feel guilty. The converse is also potentially true, those that feel “okay” about their cross-dressing do not have the guilt.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  Few TVs are humiliated by cross-dressing—or enjoy coercion scenarios. Most simply wish to be perceived (and accepted) as women while they are dressed; D&S for them is often another avenue for sensual exploration. Nonetheless, humiliation scenarios are popular enough to create a cadre of professional dominants who specialize, as shown in this advertisement from S&M News:

  For those who Dare to apply BEWARE, as your HUMILIATION will reach NEW HEIGHTS as you’re encased in Nylon, Tightly Corsetted, Taught to walk in Spiked Heels and then exquisitely Powdered, Shadowed, Lined and Painted to Whorish proportions.1

  Some TVs are erotically embarrassed by every detail of the outfit they are “forced” to wear. They enjoy being verbally teased or taunted about what a sissy they’ve become and are aroused when the dominant makes them display their garters or sashay across the room like a girl. They may also enjoy being ordered to confess that they are no longer recognizable as men. They may prefer particularly bizarre or embarrassing outfits to further heighten the experience. The greater the humiliation, the more intense the arousal of both the TV and the dominant.

  For me, the man’s humiliation is a triumph. It’s like I’ve conquered something. If a man is humiliated by cross-dressing, that makes [him] more submissive.

  —MORGAN LEWIS

  Fantasies of being cross-dressed as a naughty or wanton woman are particularly popular. For the male-to-female TV who wants to be a shameless hussy, cross-dressing is a license to express lust without emotional penalty. In his ordinary masculine role the TV tends to behave with scrupulous sexual tact, but in the feminine role he may not constrain to control his libido, since the dominant has “forced” him to display his deepest sexual passions.

  Our research suggests that most transvestites are not interested in high-intensity activity, such as heavy pain. Instead, they tend to prefer less physically arduous activity.

  Sometimes [submissive] fantasies are linked with other forms of sexual behavior, such as urolagnia or scatological themes involving feces. Another theme that sometimes appears is bondage wherein the male is forced to wear restrictive clothing—corsets, helmets, arm-binders, et cetera—and held in a manner that prevents his motion and/or removal of the clothing.

  —ROGER E. PEO

  Typically, there is heavy emphasis on psychological games and roleplaying: lengthy scenarios during which the TV is dressed, powdered, wigged, made up, and erotically coerced into acting like a female by the dominant. Head trips are prevalent, and many fantasize about being displayed before other dominatrices. Some TVs enjoy combining gender play with ageplay; they may wish to be a misbehaving daughter or a naughty niece. Some TVs are infantilists and wish to be cross-dressed in baby clothing.

  Whatever form the play takes, the TV who engages in D&S eroticism is more likely to favor flamboyant or fetishistic clothing than are more sexually conservative TVs.

  I think my choice of style and attitude in cross-dressing probably relates to D&S interests. I like leather and PVC and denim and fetish styles.

  —DEIRDRE

  A number of interviewees said that they dressed according to their own image of the exquisitely sexy woman. The cross-dresser feels more sexually exciting—and may have better access to submissive feelings—when emulating these role models.

  I love the image of ultra-exotic women with hair two feet high, earrings down to [their] breasts. I like to look at them and I like to be them. I guess I’ve reasoned that the best way of doing that would be [as] a French maid so that I can be on display. And if someone wants to spank me, then it’s my job to submit.

  —CHERYL HAGGERTY

  Ultimately, the diversity of interests and activities for the TV is as wide-ranging as for any other D&Ser. Nearly every activity listed in this book is likely to have some constituency among transvestites.

  INTERVIEWS

  DEIRDRE

  My experience, outside of my marriage and what I’ve done on my own, has really been very limited. I’m a very private, cautious person. I’m not one [who went] out and made the rounds of the clubs in New York. I’ve always been circumspect. I check things out very carefully. Being interviewed is a major exposure for me.

  I’m very much into sensuality and touch and scents. I have very vivid fantasies and [a vivid] imagination. I’m just as happy [with] cuddling as sexuality; so it tends to be a complete range of physicality. In terms of D&S, I’m turned on by bondage—mostly doing it to other people, but also having it done to myself on occasion. I am [also] a cross-dresser. I’m primarily dominant, although when dressed there are times where I’d like to switch and be placed in bondage.

  [D&S] does not extend outside my relationship with my wife or our relationship at home. For all intents and purposes, to anybody who knows me, to any of the neighbors, there would never be any awareness that I was interested in D&S, much less involved in it. But as far as our relationship,
it’s icing on the cake. I like a lot of variety, and my feeling is [that] one way to keep a relationship from getting stale is to have a lot of variety, to approach sex [just] as you look for different things to do in the relationship. D&S is one of those things.

  D&S makes it possible to really draw out and extend an evening’s entertainment or pleasure. And it heightens the intensity of sex. It’s not something that we have to do every time we have sex, and if I had to put a percentage on it, it would probably be about 30 percent or 40 percent of the time. Within that, the range can go from something very simple and almost symbolic to a full three- or four-hour scene. [D&S] is strictly a form of sex play.

  The cross-dressing goes back into my very early teenage years. It was there for a while, [but] I had no involvement. Then in my 30s I started to pick it up again. The first time that my interest in [bondage] was piqued was in my early 20s, when I stumbled across reprints of Japanese bondage photographs. It was the first bondage magazine I’d ever seen, and I discovered that well, wow! This is something people actually do! It’s really in the last [decade] that it’s become enough of an interest that I’ve gone out of my way to make it part of my sexual life.