I think both Kelly and I share a degree of androgyny. It’s a good match. It’s pretty wonderful. There are those few limitations, and they need to be worked around. The plumbing [requires] a female orgasm, and I doubt that that will change very much, whether it’s surgery or not, whether it’s hormones or not. So that has to be dealt with.
I had to put my faith in my deepest instincts about what there was between us and put as little weight as possible on the materialistic dimensions of that relationship—the skin, the flesh, where it was, and what it looked like. That was only part of meeting somebody with whom you’d gotten emotionally close. And I think both of us fairly quickly found that the substance of the relationship, the way it had grown, if one thinks of it as a kind of organism, was true, however difficult it is to define. All the stuff about Kelly that I liked and loved was there. What wasn’t there was a particular kind of flesh, and some things were there that weren’t in the picture. But we worked through a lot of that on an emotional level, and I was completely convinced that the person I was going to meet was the person I loved. I had a sense of shock and transition [when I first found out that Kelly has a female body], but I had a firm enough foundation of who that person was. I was so sure of our emotional clarity that when I got the phone call that day a couple of summers ago, I felt as if my head had been turned around, but I didn’t feel betrayed.
To borrow a phrase from Oliver Sacks, life—when it’s really life—is musical, and when the music stops, it’s just skin and bones. And you know when the music’s being played. I’ve asked urologists how exactly erections work, and they can’t tell me. They don’t really know the final answer. I don’t really know how I know, but when Kelly and I were together, it was pretty clear that this physical body was a container for a gay man. And the lovemaking was lovemaking between two men. It’s something that happens in the nerve fibers, in the mind. And I know that Kelly is and always will be important in my life.
Twenty-Three
EROTIC COMBAT AND GENDER HEROICS
In times when Nature, with vital energy,
Conceived, each day, some enormous progeny
I’d have loved to live close to a young giantess
Like a cat at the feet of a queen, voluptuous.
—CHARLES BAUDELAIRE1
So the two men entwined and wrestled with each other, working nearer and nearer. Both were white and clear, but Gerald flushed smart red where he was touched, and Birkin remained white and tense. He seemed to penetrate into Gerald’s more solid, more diffuse bulk, to interfuse his body through the body of the other, as if to bring it subtly into subjection, always seizing with some rapid necromantic foreknowledge every motion of the other flesh, converting and counteracting it, playing upon the limbs and trunk of Gerald like some hard wind.
—D. H. LAWRENCE2
While D&S sexuality is a highly ritualized and controlled expression of primal energies, erotic combat is the drama of championship played out in blunt physical terms. A wide range of competitive sports, and particularly wrestling, hold erotic appeal to men and women. The carefully regulated, blatant expression of dominance or aggression celebrates not only the joyful physicality of the human body but heroic ideals of gender. Also significant, gender heroics—as epitomized by erotic female combat—challenge stereotypes of femininity and masculinity.
In this chapter we examine the erotic pleasures of combat sports. Our profiles include:
• Thomas Gramstad, who is 30 years old. He is founder, publisher, and editor of Amazons International, an electronic forum for female-wrestling and -boxing fans. He lives in Norway, where he works as a geneticist.
• Ellen M. is 28 years old. She is an editor of software manuals.
• Ramon is a 43-year-old novelist and professor who lives and works in New York.
• Keith is 28 years old. He is a computer engineer.
THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING
Wrestling is not a sport, it is a spectacle …
—ROLAND BARTHES3
When most Americans and Europeans think of wrestling, they think of the kitschy Grand Guignol in which costumed entertainers, such as Hulk Hogan, enact a choreographed struggle between good and evil. But the roots of erotic combat lie not in the broad satire and low comedy of professional wrestling, but in an ancient sport whose competitors engage in a match between peers striving for physical domination.
Professional wrestling is a show, and while the people may be gifted athletes and good actors, they’re acting. In the kind of wrestling I like—female amateur wrestling—the two people are trying to win.
—RAMON
We found no clinical discussion of wrestling as an erotic interest. Historically wrestling as sport is a pancultural and virtually all-male phenomenon. Three general styles of wrestling are documented. In belt-and-jacket wrestling participants obtain holds by grasping the opponent’s clothes. Catch-hold wrestling requires that prescribed holds be assumed before the match begins. In loose-style wrestling, the contestants stand apart; they are free to take any hold except those barred, such as choke-holds or holds that allow unfair advantage. (The expression “no holds barred” derives from wrestling competitions which did not proscribe any holds.)
The Epic of Gilgamesh describes Sumerian belt-wrestling, and roughly contemporaneous (circa 3000 B.C.) art from Babylonia and Egypt depicts the same sport. Loose wrestling was well established in India prior to 1500 B.C.; it was reported in Chinese texts by 700 B.C. and in Japanese texts from the 1st Century B.C. By 776 B.C. several styles of wrestling were practiced in Greece, but loose-hold wrestling was probably that culture’s most popular sport. Palestras (wrestling schools) were important social gathering places for young Greek men. The Spartans apparently trained girls in wrestling as well.
Although comedic wrestling bouts were staged before gladiatorial contests to warm up audiences, ancient Romans seemed to prefer the bloody main event to inspired grappling. With the fall of the Western Roman Empire, wrestling vanished from the written records of Europe for at least three centuries, regaining status as a martial art by the early 13th Century.
In 18th Century Europe and the United States, fairs, theaters, and circuses featured wrestlers who challenged all comers—a practice that survives in a limited fashion today. Although these bouts were usually bona fide contests, the carnival wrestler, who was typically billed as a monstrous, unholy villain to be vanquished, was not above throwing a match to increase profits.
The tradition of the wrestler-as-knave pitted against the wrestler-as-moral-champion is the basis of today’s professional wrestling. But amateur wrestling, even when organized with an eye toward erotic fun, remains authentically competitive. Three Olympic styles are recognized. Freestyle—popular in the United States and Britain—allows maximum freedom, while Greco-Roman regulates permissible holds. This style actually was invented by the French in the late 19th Century; they primly ignored the Greek custom of nude wrestling. Sambo is influenced by Asian martial arts such as judo, and is a catch-hold style of wrestling.
Until recently the ancient Spartan custom of training female wrestlers was, as far as we can determine, historically and culturally unique. But today female combatants are filling out the wrestling ranks.
There is now an amateur female wrestling federation. It holds international tournaments. It’s basically youngsters and college kids—[no one] really close to my age. It’s straight-out athletic: They’re dressed in gym garb with wrestling shoes and padded knees. The rules are strict collegiate-type rules, not as freestyle as the kind of wrestling that I watch. [But] as some of these youngsters get older, they get into amateur wrestling for videotapes, or they travel and take matches. Their stuff becomes more adult, more sexual. This has brought a better quality of contest into the [wrestling] scene.
—RAMON
What is particularly significant about the modern interest in amateur wrestling is that the focus is increasingly on all-women competitions. At no other time in history, ap
parently, have so many female athletes participated in combative sports. At the same time, amateur female wrestling is often a hybrid of sports spectacle and erotic display.
HEROIC WOMEN, HEROIC MEN
Those who eroticize combative sport relish the drama of struggle, which is amplified by the physical prowess of contestants who are perceived as heroic models of their gender. These contestants balance sheer animal might and grace with high skill. In this tradition, the body is nature’s primary work of art, wondrously balanced and shaped, prepared for battle, capable of great feats of strength. Homoerotic wrestling, for example—a small but significant subset of gay eroticism—celebrates heroic manhood.
While many gays revere the commanding physical presence traditionally associated with masculinity, fans of female combat venerate an unconventional feminine model.
[Female combat] stresses the fact that females are physical beings, as opposed to otherworldly. They are real and alive, full of blood, sweat, sounds, passions, smells, and tastes. This is very refreshing in a culture that worships an anemic, fragile, aseptic, passive, and sterile conception of women. Besides, it’s always a thrill to speculate and see who wins a fight!
—THOMAS GRAMSTAD
Those who appreciate physically powerful women see no contradiction between femininity and brawn.
I’m very much involved in bodybuilding, and I’m quite proud of the fact that I’m strong and muscular but still undeniably female. I love working out, and do so about two hours a day.
—BEV4
I LOVE the physical prowess and presence of a well-muscled woman. The more muscle, the more impressed and awestruck I become.
—JAMIE5
Indeed, some admire women who, in manner and physique, emulate mythical female archetypes such as the Amazons, a legendary unimatril (all-woman) society of warriors. The modern Amazon is a muscled, athletic woman who confidently expresses her personal power in concrete terms.
With an Amazon, you can perceive and experience the power and force of life so much stronger and deeper—and unrestrained, both in her and in yourself. Amazons are the real thing—women as they might be and ought to be. Amazons are actualizing the full potential of the female form. Isn’t it strange that [people] consider this a controversial activity?… Perhaps a substantial part of contemporary relationship problems is due to distortions of [natural] developmental processes by the artificial gender-role stereotyping dominating our culture.
—THOMAS GRAMSTAD
Of the many different ways of looking at gender explored in this section, female combat is unique in its direct challenge of cultural notions of gender. For the female-wrestling fan, femininity is intrinsically powerful, aggressive, uncompromising—and its innate power is most completely expressed during tests of strength.
It is important to note, however, that all forms of combat sport require serious training and careful negotiation. The risk of injury is extremely high, as it is in all contact sports.
EROTIC WRESTLING AND COMBAT
Young couples often engage in playful wrestling as lively expressions of sensuality and competition.
I think [an interest in erotic combat] is a part of the natural processes of human development—in particular, the development of sensuality, the need for somebody to admire, the need for testing one’s own strength and for finding appropriate ways of expressing energy and aggressive impulses.
—THOMAS GRAMSTAD
While many couples may tumble playfully, organized amateur female wrestling is governed by the traditional rules of wrestling even in specifically erotic contests. Freestyle wrestling is typically favored. A referee may be present to judge the legality of holds and pins, and a win is determined according to formal criteria. Such criteria may include, for example, break-stance, in which the opponent is forced to relinquish her position or posture; in toppling, the loser is forced to touch the ground with something other than her feet. Touch-fall requires that the loser be forced into a supine position, and pin-fall requires that the loser be held down for a certain length of time, usually until the referee’s count of three. Fans tend to adhere to formal rules even when wrestling at home as a part of their erotic play.
My girlfriend is very athletic and quite powerfully built, so we wrestle in a very competitive manner and actively work to try and pin each other to the mat. We don’t keep score, but [we] struggle back and forth.
—KEITH
The serious erotic wrestling fan demands that any match be an authentic contest in which a genuine and—to the loser—disappointing defeat occurs. Although rules and agreements on penalties are all negotiated prior to combat, the outcome must be the legitimate result of the combatants’ prowess.
It’s frustrating to [wrestle] with someone who outweighs me or is much stronger than me, because I like to feel as though I’ve got some chance of winning the conflict. Sometimes I get around that by giving the other person a handicap.
—ELLEN M.
The women who professionally pursue combat sports, however, are often quite capable of routing male opponents.
I was on my knees, bent double, face smashed into the mat, and she had the beginnings of a hammerlock on my right arm.… I was slippery with the proverbial sweat of a man losing and I was trying to use that to slip free and I think I might have made it if she hadn’t thrown a neat and painful scissors around my legs.… Gloria worked the right-side hammerlock into a half nelson, and when I reached over … to undo it, she turned it into a full nelson and then it was all over …
—CRAIG VETTER6
The commercial aspect of the erotic-wrestling scene is significant. Amateur videos are especially popular in part because, until recently, opportunities to view competitive all-female matches were extremely limited. Men are without question the primary audience for erotic combat, and they are typically more interested in watching a wrestling match than in participating, although some couples enjoy wrestling as an aspect of foreplay. In the absence of opportunities to view live, competitive, erotically appealing wrestling, fans support a large and thriving commercial industry supplying videotapes, magazines, and books devoted to their interests.
Certainly, there is much to see in female wrestling. While strict traditional rules apply, contestants commonly wear bathing suits or other form-fitting garb. The grappling places the women’s bodies in provocative positions, and attire may be tugged or stretched. The accidental baring of breasts, buttocks, or other sexy features may add not only to the arousal of the onlooker but to the embarrassment of the exposed person; it may indeed anger or frustrate her sufficiently to make her fight more fiercely, which in turn adds to the competitive excitement. Some competitors do not rely on accident: Nude wrestling and wrestling in which the clothing is purposely stripped from the opponent are also popular.
[Wrestling] interests me whether or not the women are fully clothed—but there’s no question [that] the less they wear, the more it’s enhanced for me. No question about that!
—RAMON
Erotic wrestling enthusiasts are aroused by the sight of women who push the body’s limits and vie for primacy.
The strain of the muscles, the strain of the bodies—all of that exertion is very stimulating.
—RAMON
Whether one watches or participates, the battle for victory is an electrifying marriage of sensuality and strength.
[The pleasure comes from] a combination of things. It’s the physical relief. Aggression and sex are somewhat closely tied, and this is a healthy aggressive release.
—KEITH
Since the wrestler’s only tools are muscles, dexterity, speed, and skill, the dynamic struggle demands a full engagement of the mind and the senses.
A blend of factors—erotic, purely physiological, and purely psychological—[influence people to pursue erotic combat]. While the composition of the blend may vary between individuals as well as over time in the same individual, the common element is a unified intense experience that is erotic, ph
ysiological, and psychological in nature.
—THOMAS GRAMSTAD
Participants find that rough contact with an opponent’s body as they grapple and resist can be a potent sexual stimulant.
The physical contact and the struggle with a powerful woman are very erotic for me.
—KEITH
The contest for physical supremacy may enhance the wrestlers’ feelings of power—even when they are losing.
I really enjoyed feeling [that] even though I was physically submitting and physically held down and had no leverage and couldn’t even struggle anymore, I still had my voice, and I still had the ability to resist. That for me was really enjoyable.
—ELLEN M.
Wrestlers negotiate the rules of competition and the penalties for loss ahead of time. For many fans, the drama of struggle is as exciting as the drama of surrender. And, in this respect, erotic wrestling resembles D&S behaviors.
I would say that the whole wrestling scene is one very specific [though] possibly tangential way of expressing the fundamental urges that are expressed in D&S activities. I know that in many circles this is a heresy that I could be burned at the stake for, but I’m convinced of it. I’ve talked with three or four lifestyle mistresses, a couple of whom are professional [wrestlers], and they agree.
—RAMON
Although many fans of female wrestling insist that no relation exists between wrestling and D&S sensuality, one of the most popular types of wrestling is submission wrestling: The loser is pinned and then compelled to acknowledge defeat explicitly. Rituals govern the loser’s disgrace and the winner’s triumph.
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