Different Loving

by William Brame

  There are different types of wrestling matches that are domination wrestling matches: The winner expresses herself in a dominant position. The loser’s penalties are worked out before [the match]. The woman who wins will make a series of mistresslike statements—whether it’s verbally abusive or, “I’m dominating you,” or “Now you’re mine.”

  —RAMON

  The loser may also submit to bondage or other D&S-like acts.

  [Wrestling] provides a good opportunity to be both very dominant—holding somebody down against their will—and it falls into a sort of bondage situation. There is also the possibility of very quickly having that situation reversed on you and getting in the same position that you were applying before. Depending on the rules that you follow, there’s also a pain element involved for some people. I find the idea of that more erotic than the actual practice.

  —KEITH

  In some cases a loser may be required to submit to “face-sitting,” in which the winner straddles the loser’s face, or she may be required to submit to a spanking. While formal contests rarely lead to complete sexual encounters, couples who arrange private matches may stipulate that the loser will be required to submit to some sexual act as a humiliating admission of defeat. This humiliation may not be necessarily erotic to the loser (and thus differs from the erotic humiliation some D&Sers enjoy); however, the fact that humiliation rituals, and ones that involve overt sexuality, are an accepted aspect of the wrestling Scene certainly suggests that a majority of fans finds them stimulating.

  Erotic combat remains a vast but largely underground phenomenon. Wrestling is actually only one of several sports and combative events enjoyed by enthusiasts.

  [My newsletter’s] topics include but are not limited to: mixed wrestling female fighting, arm wrestling, bodybuilding, weight lifting, strength feats, boxing and kick boxing.

  —THOMAS GRAMSTAD

  Chaotic events such as oil wrestling or mud wrestling, however, are viewed by serious fans as exploitative theatrics designed to make women expose flesh and, often, to look ridiculous.

  The kind of wrestling I like [entails] grappling on the mat or floor. The women strive either to pin each other or to force each other into submission. There are no blows, no spins, no throws. No one is making an idiot of herself. It’s real, competitive stuff. It can also be very playful.

  —RAMON

  As an organized Scene, erotic combat is in its infancy. Whether shame or lack of knowledge is to blame, it seems there are far more potential enthusiasts than actual participants.

  I’ve talked to women from time to time, and they’ve frequently told me that they enjoy observing it. In terms of men—they probably number in the millions. [There are] about 50 videotape and literature houses which cater to this market. The AmFem Directory now [has about] 1300 listings—and those are [by] the most aggressive people. I don’t list, for example, and a lot of people I know don’t list. You also never know how many are at the fantasy stage. I can’t even tell you the number of guys I’ve met who have had this fantasy all their lives and have no idea that there’s an entire movement that caters to [it].

  —RAMON

  GAY WRESTLING

  Male wrestling—and particularly the nude male wrestling of ancient Greece—has often been asserted to have homoerotic appeal. The professional wrestling circuit has a cult following among gay men.

  The late John Preston has written of wrestling as sadomasochistic display and foreplay.

  The bound wrestler is yours to touch and feel in any way you choose. Go ahead, give him some preliminary slaps of the buttocks with your hand. Make his ass flesh jump, feel that strength. Now explore him sexually the way you’ve always wanted to.

  —JOHN PRESTON7

  Wrestling is known throughout the gay community. Although it is not limited to leather culture, the heroically proportioned male is an icon of leather culture. Artist Tom of Finland, for example, depicts subjects who possess idealized muscled bodies. Among gay leathermen, heroic manhood balances raw physical strength and sophisticated intellectual capacity. Leather competitions, in particular, emphasize that contestants not only present a beautiful physique but demonstrate an ability to speak eloquently on behalf of leather culture.

  Many homoerotic wrestling scenarios tend to follow strict competitive rules, and the goal is usually to pin the opponent.

  My wrestling is more of a dominance, where two equal parties see who will dominate the other. It’s a test of strength; it’s a test of will.

  —JEFF BRITTON

  Penalties for loss often include a token submission, sometimes of an explicitly sexual nature.

  I get into wrestling trips where whoever wins gets the prize: sexual submission of the loser.

  —JEFF BRITTON

  Wrestling has developed into a fairly large subculture in the gay community—many of its biggest fans do not consider themselves to be D&Sers at all but view homoerotic wrestling as a sensual sport.

  A considerably smaller percentage of gay wrestlers engage in a highly intense and potentially lethal drama. In this type of event, opponents include choking in their combat, and the struggle continues until one of the wrestlers temporarily loses consciousness. Asphyxiation fantasies seem to be moderately common, though their practice is rarer. Some interviewees who indulge described the fainting as a crucial element of their erotic pleasure. Needless to say, choking scenarios are highly controversial and, in some quarters, stringently criticized. Accidents may result in serious injury or death. Nonetheless, for many wrestlers, pushing the edge of this experience gives the combat scenario a kind of realism and urgency which they find exhilarating.

  Finally, we noted a fair amount of overlap between gay wrestlers and bodybuilders. Very generally speaking, the men who seem most to enjoy cultivating physical strength seem particularly interested in the challenge of combative trials. It is not uncommon for gay male leather competitions to feature bodybuilders who engage in highly stylized, theatrical simulations of combat.

  INTERVIEWS

  THOMAS GRAMSTAD

  I founded Amazons International in April 1991. I saw a need for a forum whose purpose is to explore the many aspects and forms of expression of what might be called heroic womanhood—that is, a vision of females at their best: as strong, independent, accomplished, and whole human beings in growth. It is this ideal that is the basis for things like self-actualization, fulfillment, and attractiveness, counteracting the destructive culture-wide message that women have to be small, weak, helpless, submissive, and stupid in order to be feminine. I wanted a forum that would focus on concretizations of the ideal of physically and psychologically strong, assertive women who are not afraid to break free from traditional ideas about gender roles, relationships, and femininity, or “feminine interests and behavior.”

  Here are what I consider some typical and important Amazon characteristics: athletically built—strong, muscular, and proud of it; courageous, self-assertive, capable of independent decision making and action; a self-confident way of walking, stressing certainty and physical strength. She doesn’t “shrink” herself by trying to appear small. Preference for “rough,” practical clothing. A strong face, direct and vivid eyes, the opposite of the ethereal, nonemotional, remote, passive, expression that one may find in some artworks that are considered to express “femininity.” Looks are not the most important part of her self-concept, [and she wears] little or no makeup, fake-up. [She has] a direct and open personality, no insincere behavior. [Athleticism] is absolutely necessary. Of course, a woman may be courageous, intelligent, or sensual without being athletic, but physicality is an essential and distinctive characteristic of an Amazon.

  An Amazon is likely to be either psychologically androgynous or even “masculine”; however, it is not necessarily the case that a psychologically androgynous or masculine woman is an Amazon. This is because the concept “psychologically androgynous” is a statistical aggregate of a large number of personality features whi
ch may be present in very different combinations and degrees. Of these features, only a few are essential and necessary parts of the Amazon concept.

  I can imagine cases in which a woman scores high on many of the feminine characteristics of the Bern Sex-Role Inventory. [Authors’ note: The Bern Sex-Role Inventory was developed in the 1970s by Dr. Sandra Lipsitz Bern as a model for analyzing gender behavior.] For example, she loves children, is gentle, soft-spoken, [but] also scores high on a selected few of the masculine or androgynous characteristics, namely the Amazon ones, and still ends up on the feminine side of the Bern scale. So Amazons may challenge our conventional notions about gender and gender roles in a number of ways. [The] variety can confuse and upset anybody who wants a simple world of fixed gender-role stereotypes.

  I believe that this interest develops early, even though it may remain unidentified until adult life. I think there are several important factors influencing this development. [For example], some of the child’s first sensual experiences may be related to fights or play fights with other children. There may be some innate developmental mechanisms in children leading them to test their own strength and dexterity. At the same time, the child [may] go through different stages of erotic and sensual development.

  [Also], everybody wants to admire somebody. A healthy, athletic physique is very visible and natural to admire: It is a structural expression of the capability for efficient action. In our culture heroism is understood in terms of courage expressed in great deeds, i.e., as right action. Thus, the heroic is often symbolized and concretized in an athletic physique.

  The need for intimacy and love is a part of the human condition. In my view, intimacy comes in many forms, and in a close relationship it is necessary that intimacy is not restricted to tender, soft, or “romantic” interactions. If the relationship is to be whole and all-encompassing, it must also include rough, passionate, and aggressive interactions, because these elements are parts of human nature as well. I believe that a widespread problem in relationships is the lack of an ability to find an appropriate form of expression of aggressive impulses. [This may] result in unproductive quarrels or in violence, or in repression and withdrawal. Erotic combat, aside from its inherent sensual pleasures and its symbolism, may provide a safe outlet for aggressive impulses. Such impulses may become a resource that may enhance the joy and intimacy in a relationship, rather than, say, appearing to be a threat against [the] vulnerable state of mind which is equated with intimacy.

  Amazon physicality is wider than combat, erotic or otherwise, and erotic combat is only one, although an important one, of the many ways to express and live out a love for Amazons. There are sensual experiences that only an Amazon can give you, such as being lifted or carried by her, or riding her, or being beaten in arm wrestling or other physical games by her. Then there are all the things that are just so much better with an Amazon than with Ms. Fragile Femme, ranging from bear hugs to body worship.

  If your Amazon lover is much stronger than you, and you appreciate or even revel in that fact and create situations that accentuate it, then obviously you have a great trust in your lover that she won’t hurt or harm you. Placing yourself in situations that give your lover this kind of control over you—including your sensual or erotic responses—can build and expand the trust between lovers immensely, creating a unique kind of intimacy and bonding, a feeling that you and she are part of the same benevolent universe. This is an example of D&S with an Amazon in the dominant role. The Amazon can use her physical prowess as a means of sexual domination, and erotic roleplaying may be created and enacted with this as a central motive. Or the lovers may be equals in physical prowess and yet pursue an interest in D&S. They may prefer fixed roles—one always dominating, the other always submissive—or they may prefer to switch roles often or sometimes; who plays which role may be decided through erotic combat.

  In my experience more men than women have an identified and expressed interest in erotic combat. I think that the cause of this are the cultural stereotypes, in particular notions of femininity and masculinity in our culture. Combat, aggressive or assertive behavior, physical or sexual domination, are commonly perceived as masculine traits. An athletic, muscular body is also considered by many to be masculine. Thus, many women are alienated from their natural physicality—they do not identify it, express it, appreciate it, or develop it. This is an area where good feminists or anybody who loves women have a lot of work to do. I consider this alienation to be one of our culture’s greatest perversions and crimes, and its continued perpetration makes all of us that much poorer.

  Today there is a growing number of people actually making a living out of different aspects of Amazon physicality. These activities range all over the spectrum—from the positive, creative, and visionary, to the seedy and exploitative—but anything that can successfully be made into a living has a future. Amazons and their lovers are not only here to stay, they are growing in numbers and visibility, becoming a cultural factor. The many crises and breakdowns of relationships based on traditional gender roles and the increased independence and empowerment of women, existentially, psychologically, financially, and physically, will facilitate this development and induce women and men to form and express their own values. The days of the stereotypic gender-role domination are numbered.

  ELLEN M.

  I am mostly heterosexual. Of the 11 or 12 partners I’ve had, 10 of them have been male. I almost feel at this point as though “straight” is a somewhat derogatory term. In terms of D&S, I tend to switch. I don’t do heavy S&M in either direction.

  The role that I prefer really depends on how well I know my partner. The more I get to know my partner, the more comfortable I am being a top. I need to feel confident about my partner’s needs and preferences before I can feel that I can successfully top [him]. As a bottom I feel fairly confident about my own ability to communicate with the top and say, “This is what I need.” There’s more risk involved in being a bottom, but I have never picked up anybody and gone home with them and done an S&M scene. I will at first be very vanilla and then work into more exotic things as time goes on and I get to know the person better. I’ve been in a number of vanilla relationships and been perfectly happy, so it does not bother me not to have an S&M element [to] things.

  In my life as a whole, my D&S sexuality so far has not been very explicit. I think of myself as a very normal looking person. I don’t have tattoos or multiple piercings. I look like a college student, and most people looking at me would not notice anything that indicated that I was into D&S. The role [it plays] in my life is very personal. I am aware of power dynamics in relationships between myself and a stranger, or between two strangers. Even [when] looking at what people consider to be straight relationships, I often see very clear D&S overtones. One of the most interesting things for me about learning more about D&S is becoming aware of how prevalent [D&S relationships] are in society as a whole. I don’t feel as though I had a complete understanding of relationships between people until I started being aware of D&S overtones.

  I think about my D&S activities [as] primarily sexual. Usually I negotiate with my lover—we go back and forth and ask, “Is there something that you’re particularly interested in doing, or do you want to leave it up to me?” We negotiate for a day or two or sometimes longer, and then we get together and spend the evening doing something that [has] D&S elements to it. We don’t have lots of costumes, and we don’t memorize scripts. It’s fairly unstructured.

  I’ve wondered about how I came to be interested in D&S for quite a while. When I was five or six years old I would draw pictures of people who were tied up. I was interested in horses, and I would draw pictures of centaurs with harnesses and bridles in their mouths. I remember thinking at the time that this was not something that I should let my mother know about. I [also] remember playing doctor games with the neighborhood children [between ages] six and nine. We would tie each other up and stick pins in each other or tickle each other. The
re was very definitely an element of illicit, forbidden play to this.

  I never thought that I was particularly sick or weird for having D&S fantasies. My self-doubts tended to come in less-personal arenas—like am I going to be able to hold a job? I’ve often had doubts about whether I was a particularly good lover, but I haven’t felt uncomfortable with resolving D&S once I got over the political problems. One of the things that helped me is that I spent much of my childhood and adolescence not being part of the in-crowd at school or in any of my peer groups. I was fairly accustomed to being very independent and self-motivated. Feeling as though I was a societal outcast did not particularly distress me.

  When I was about 19 I went through a rather strong religious conversion, [as] I like to think of it, and became a fairly radical feminist. Prior to that time, although I had D&S fantasies, I had not done any actual D&S. I experienced a cognitive shift in becoming a radical feminist. For about four years I called myself a lesbian, largely [but] not entirely for political purposes. I did have strong sexual feelings toward women, and I had a very good time. The thinking about feminism and the thinking about lesbianism allowed me to think more acceptingly of my D&S feelings because I was already doing something that was fairly outlaw.

  I went through the feeling that D&S was not feministically correct for a long time. [But] my feelings were right there, and I had to confront them all the time. [So I said], “Politically, I don’t like D&S, but let’s face it, I have these fantasies.” I think a lot of my friends who had D&S fantasies simply refused to acknowledge them. I found it very difficult to do that. I was also trying to resolve the conflict of wanting politically to be a lesbian but still being attracted to men. So after many years of wrestling with these two conflicts, I finally decided that I was being too hard on myself in a number of ways and that I should try and accept both the fact that I could be a radical feminist and still be primarily heterosexual and also that I could be very concerned about the domination of women in society and still have D&S fantasies. I still feel uncomfortable with certain D&S fantasies, [like] costumed roles involving Nazism [or] roles that have to do with slavery.