Different Loving

by William Brame

  One of the things that I really enjoy in my sexual life, which is something a lot of my S&M friends regard with horror, is switching within a scene. I am not a submissive bottom. I will sometimes break free and take over. Sometimes if I’m topping somebody, I will allow [him] the opportunity to break free and take over. I enjoy overpowering and being empowered. The idea of spending 24 hours a day in one role to me seems very limiting. A lot of times I will try and turn tables, and the dominant will resist. I get a lot of fun out of fighting. In fact, I prefer to be tied up rather than to actually be held down by someone. When I’m being held down physically, I do not like the feeling of powerlessness if I’m unable to break free. I feel stronger when I am resisting ropes, mostly because few people can break through ropes. If I’m wrestling with somebody hand to hand, I want to be able to break free. So the dominant who wants to keep control of the scene has to tie me up. Even then, I’ll thrash around a lot. I don’t like a wholehearted submission.

  My partner and I recently got into a wrestling match. We were having some sort of argument, and it ended up with him trying to hold me down and to make me agree with whatever he wanted me to agree with. I kept saying, “No, I’m not going to.” And so he spanked me, and I still refused to give in. I was fighting, and I got out of the hold and then got caught again. This time he decided he was going to put me in an arm lock and just apply leverage until I gave in. That didn’t work. At one point he had me in a scissor, where he had his legs around my waist and was squeezing hard. I kept saying no. And the thing that was really fun for me was that I really felt as though there was absolutely no way that I was going to give in completely!

  As it turned out, I was completely physically helpless by the time he got me in the scissor. I could not get out of it. But he was not going to be able to make me say what he wanted me to say. So we were basically at an impasse, which I found vastly entertaining. It made me feel empowered in that even though I was physically incapacitated, I still had my identity, and I still had my point of view, and I was not going to give it up. I found it humorous as hell. We were laughing hysterically throughout the entire thing.

  I have tied up my lover, and I have really enjoyed the ability to do whatever I wanted to [him]. When people are doing something that’s vanilla, I find that things happen very quickly: Both people are caressing, both people are getting aroused, both are letting go of control of the situation. When I have my lover tied up, I can take my time. I can sit back and think, What do I want to do next? For me, there’s a very different flavor to the sensuality of the encounter. When I am completely in control, I don’t have to worry about my own responses as much. I can be turned on, or I can not be turned on. I can be in a playful mood, not particularly feeling sexual yet and [saying], “Oh, what happens here?” It’s much more of an exploratory, sensual feeling than a sexual one.

  It also has real strong power connotations that I enjoy a lot. I enjoy being able to make my partner respond and to watch his body moving and to see how he reacts to things that I do. When I am completely in control, there’s never any question of who’s giving in. I don’t know if this is because when my lover is tied up, he doesn’t choose to struggle, or [because] he surrenders in an emotional way that I cannot. When I bottom to him, the power struggle is still very much there.

  RAMON

  When I’m not working, and when I’m not raising my children, I paint and watch television and listen to music. Sexually, I’ve long had a fantasy-obsession with watching women wrestle. I collect videos and literature and write about it and think about it and talk about it and see it every chance I get. [But] in and of itself, it isn’t sex for me—or for anyone else. It’s not a substitute for [sex, nor] for a relationship. If anything, it enhances a relationship. The optimum for me would be to have a relationship with a woman who does it. I have found myself increasingly insisting that, at the very least, I be able to share and have [my partner] know about my interest and know that it’s sexually stimulating for me. I have love-wrestled, so I have some interest in doing it, but that does not come even remotely close to the interest in observing it.

  For a long time I was absolutely in the closet about it. The first person to know, concretely, was [my ex-wife]. I was living a dual life, in a closet about that particular corner of my sexuality. It had become too difficult; so I told her, and we talked about it briefly. She wanted to see a film to see what it was—and understood it, I think, vaguely. However, it wasn’t something she expressed interest in doing or thinking about or talking about. Subsequent to that, in all the relationships I’ve had with any level of seriousness—anything that’s gone beyond a couple of months, anyway—I’ve spoken to the woman extensively about it and have insisted that she see whatever videotape or material I think is appropriate. A lot of women don’t understand what happens. They’re used to seeing professional wrestling on TV.

  I would characterize [my interest] as a difficult necessity. I initially broach the subject with some trepidation. What I have found is that, in general, they’re very understanding. I think that you can tell almost anyone any truth about yourself, provided that you’ve been able to communicate the real truth about yourself. There’s a lot more to me than this particular sexual turn-on. Women don’t have to be afraid that I’m some violent human being who enjoys the idea of them being hurt without consent. I think that it fits in with the rest of what they know about me, in terms of personality. I’m fairly open. I’m also knowledgeable about [sexuality] to a rudimentary extent, but the rudiments of my knowledge far exceed those of the average person in this society. I think I communicate that. Also, I am drawn to people who are fairly adventurous—if not in practice, at least in fantasy. The people I go out with tend to be women who have dealt with and enjoyed their fantasies on a much more conscious level than most other people. I’m attracted to more intelligent women—or, at the very least, more educated women. They try to be a bit more sophisticated about these issues.

  For me, I think there’s some deep-seated psychological thing that works itself out in the context of a [wrestling] scenario. Some shrink once said to me that she felt—it may sound as if I don’t take this seriously [but] actually I think it was an incisive insight—that one of the two combatants was my mother and that the other one was me or my champion. There is this need for someone to vanquish the other. The champion beats my mother: I think that’s part of it. The other part is that I have a great attraction to women’s bodies, and [when] they are in the wrestling match, if it’s properly done, they are in a physical configuration that’s very exciting.

  In female wrestling there is a gamut of visuals. It’s complex, because the universe of people who do it for real may be as different as everyone is different, but the women who are paid to do it are basically of three types: dancers, actresses, or bodybuilders—body professionals. I look at tapes of all three and find I’m a glutton: I’ll take it all. I have a very catholic approach to female physiology.

  There are variations within each type [of wrestling], but the major set of activities is not very much different than what two males do in a collegiate wrestling match. It’s based on headlocks, scissor holds, and things like that. There is not a high degree of possibility of injury, and there’s no attempt to [inflict] permanent injury. You can’t—it’s barbaric. It can get very competitive: A lot of strength, a lot of fast—and a lot of painful—moves are used.

  A catfight is a form of wrestling in which the combatants are allowed to pull hair without yanking it out, which is pretty tough—there has to be [a] mutual understanding—and [they may also] grab breasts or buttocks, which is normally not done during freestyle wrestling. Sometimes they’re allowed to slap. I have never seen a catfight go any further than that. You always have a third person [who’s an observer]; it’s very dangerous to do with just two people. People who are knowledgeable never have private matches, unless they know the person very well.

  There’s [something] called the AmFem Directory, in whi
ch couples advertise for [private] matches with other couples; they get together for an evening, and the women wrestle or fight. In those kinds of matches you often have different, more erotic variations. An erotic wrestling match might end in a face-sit. On tape that means that you’re sitting on someone else’s face and smothering them—there’s an implication of sexuality that is not really true. In real life, it is true: You’re fighting for control of the loser. The loser does anything that the winner wants, and that’s usually sexual. That doesn’t happen all the time—not even the majority of times—but it happens, and it’s set up beforehand. In a certain type of erotic wrestling—and this is particularly true of women who are just into the more erotic aspect of it—there’s actually some kind of sexual manipulation during the match. They try to get each other to come by use of the fingers, knees, legs, rubbing, that type of thing. The woman who comes to orgasm first is the loser. In order to do this, you can’t have very much clothing on. You can’t lick them through a bikini bottom—well, you can, but it’s much more difficult! So you have to get those clothes off somehow. That’s also decided, usually before the couples get together.

  In some cases the loser may have to sexually please the winner’s husband or boyfriend. That’s where it’s not the same as a collegiate match. However, it isn’t the same as a war, either. This ain’t Vietnam! This is sexuality. [Personally], I take almost no active role, except sexually with one of the wrestlers, if I’m involved with her or if she wants it. I had a scene at a friend’s house, here in New York City, in which the women were doing a fun-type catfight. They wanted a scenario of fighting over a man [and] the winner needed a sexual release of some kind. That was my role. I jumped at the opportunity! I want to underscore that this happens really rarely in my life.

  There is a theory held by people of all scales of intelligence—I being at the lower end of the scale—that we’re all, to some extent, bisexual. So a lot of what happens when women wrestle each other [is that] it brings out either their bisexuality or lesbian sexual desire. There is also a whole segment of wrestlers who are lesbians, by lifestyle, by declaration. I know several [lesbian couples] who wrestle at home as a sexual pastime. Most male fans will tell you that a match between lesbians is probably one of the best matches that you can have, because, though this is a flawed generalization, lesbians feel much greater comfort with another female body—grabbing it and touching it, at least initially—than straight women.

  Legitimization [of amateur wrestling] is a major trend. [Another] major development is the entry of bodybuilders. There’s a woman on [the television show] American Gladiators who is a world-class bodybuilder [and] also an amateur wrestler. Another trend is much more nudity in high-quality wrestling. There was a time not long ago when the good wrestling was done with bathing suits and the sexy stuff was done nude, and they had nothing to do with each other. Now you can buy videotapes with two naked women who put on a very good match.

  I believe that there’s a large [segment] of people involved in wrestling—men and women—who are doing it as a function of D&S. The sexual expression is often couched in D&S terms, but I think that the real issue remains the psychological question. There’s a point in most of these matches at which one person totally caves in psychologically. Usually it happens two thirds of the way through, and there is a process of submission: One of the women simply stops fighting effectively. She has become passive—not what [D&Sers] call submissive, but submissive in real terms. At that point the winner literally can do whatever she wants with the loser. It strikes me that that’s the point of consensual power exchange.

  There is [also] an identifiable D&S circle within female wrestling. Certain punishments, certain kinds of S&M activity, even restraint, are used after the contest in some cases. I don’t think this is [typical], but I know for a fact that it does occur and that when some women defeat an opponent, they like to restrain her in some way and spank or paddle her. [Still], a lot of people in female wrestling say, “Those B&D weirdos, keep them away from me!” There’s a close-mindedness among people who are engaged in an activity that [others] would consider quite kinky in itself.

  KEITH

  [I am] heterosexual. I’m something of a switch and do some top, some bottom, mostly in a playful context. [D&S is] an important part of my life: It’s important in the way I define my relationships with my lovers, in that, for me, sexual behavior is very much a matter of power relationships. In general, [it] is confined to the metaphorical bedroom; I turn that all off when I come out [in] to the real world and don’t really think about it much.

  My particular interest has always been in wrestling. It probably goes back to grade three. There was this one young girl in my class who took endless delight in marching out every recess and locking me in a full-nelson hold so that the arms come up and you can’t move. [She would] just walk me around the playground for the next 15 minutes. That went on for quite a while. That [was] the first time I got attention from the opposite sex, and it probably tied a lot into the way I deal with people on a sexual level.

  My D&S interest was so ingrained in the way I thought about myself sexually that it was [like my having] arms or legs or hair. It was just another part of me. I’m pretty comfortable with what turns me on, and I’m pretty forthright about it with people. I found that, maybe because I’m fairly light and fairly new, I’m not very threatening. Most people that I’ve dealt with are interested in at least exploring; some are a lot more interested in exploring than I am.

  My favorite activity rotates around wrestling. It’s an important part of what turns me on; so usually the first time or two that [I’m] in bed [with a lover] during pillow talk, we start talking about what turns us on, and I’m not coy about it. [The response] has been a mixed bag. Some have said, “Oh, that’s interesting,” and pretty much ignored it, but some have been quite enthusiastic. Obviously those are the ones that I hung around with more.

  A couple of months [ago] one of my lovers was in town for an extended visit. We had dinner and a quiet night. One of the things that I like is the outfits and the costumes involved—tight leotards and tight-fitting lingerie—and this particular lover of mine knows and [is] interested in it, too. She always makes a point of bringing something interesting with her. She’d been telling me she had a new outfit she wanted to model. I said, “Why don’t you go show me your new outfit?” She went off to the bathroom, and I went into the bedroom. I changed into an outfit that I know she likes to see me in: a pair of Lycra running tights and a racer-back-type shirt which shows a lot of body. I have a futon mattress on the floor, with no frame, [so] I can pull it out in the middle of the room, strip the blankets off, and have a mat ready to go. [When] she came back, she was wearing a black body stocking, with tank shoulders [exposing] cleavage, and leggings.

  We grab each other and take turns throwing off, struggling to throw the opponent onto the mat, forcing their shoulders to the mat, and trying to prevent yourself from having that happen. Usually we get both sexually and physically hot and sweaty. Most times, I tend to win. I’m a bit bigger and in better shape. That particular evening, it segued into a dominance-and-bondage situation. I pinned her and defeated her decisively. After the match, I got a verbal submission from her one last time: “Do you submit?” “Yes.” I stripped off her body stocking, and then I stripped off the leggings I was wearing and tied her arms with them. Then we [had] intercourse while I reminded her of the fact that she [was] submitting to me and that I was dominant over her—playing on that image.

  We’ve taken turns being dominant [and] tying the other up. Being constrained or constricted [is] a very powerful image for me erotically. I remember another time she wore an outfit that was all black lace [on] top and a long black skirt that we’d picked out a few days before with a pair of boots. The room was lit by just one candle, quiet music in the background. She proceeded to order me to strip and then to stand up and be inspected so she could slowly walk around and inspect and quietly caress me.
That was a very good moment, standing there with her circling and eyeing me, with this critical look on her face. And then, in a more sinister tone, ordering me to kneel and then to lie down. She [sat] on me; I had my hands held over my head rather than tied. She proceeded to make slow caressing movements without allowing me to move, and while that was going on, I was verbally submitting to her: “Yes, ma’am,” or “Yes, milady.” She would order me to kiss her body or to watch her fondle herself or whatever.

  That was probably one of the strongest D&S situations that I’ve ever been in—not because it was particularly heavy, but because it was a very mental situation. [That] in some ways is a higher level than the physical stuff. Psychological D&S is what you’re getting at in other forms: Wrestling [is] a physical manifestation of a mental [state]. Vanilla sex isn’t necessary to complete a scene. [But] at this point we generally get so worked up that it leads into some sort of vanilla sex as well.

  SECTION SEVEN

  FLUID MYSTERIES

  Twenty-Four

  WATER SPORTS

  In human sexuality the most profound taboos are often counterbalanced by intense longings to transgress the fragile borders between the permitted and the forbidden. In this section we look at the most common activities associated with water sports—the erotic interest in enemas and in urine. Water sports, perhaps more than any other activity, challenge our models of acceptable intimate behavior, for to breach this taboo is to explore a primal pleasure which children are taught, early on, to disavow. Perhaps the discomfort that water sports arouse even in sophisticated researchers explains the comparative rarity of studies of water sports as an erotic phenomenon.