So he waited.
After a minute, he realized he was holding his breath, praying for Tessa to move, to twitch, to gasp for air. Something, anything that would let him know she was still with him.
Nothing.
“You are upset. I am sorry.”
The voice came from above him, and he realized he’d fallen to the ground cradling Tessa on his lap.
He looked up for a brief second before he realized what he’d done, and the sound he heard was his skin blistering.
“I couldn’t save her.”
“No, you couldn’t.”
Rage boiled in his gut, almost as painful as his anguish. “You let her die.”
“No. But neither could we interfere. You are not capable of understanding the situation.”
“I understand enough. And it doesn’t matter now. She’s gone.”
“And we thank you for returning her to us.”
It was a dismissal, and Cal almost expected to feel a foot on his ass pushing him back through the gate. His arms tightened around Tessa’s lifeless body as he thought about leaving her here.
He didn’t know if he could do it. But he’d told his dad he’d be back.
He had to let go of Tessa.
Staring down at her too-still face, he felt his heart contract into a tight, painful ball. He bent forward, pressed his lips against hers and tried to imagine a response, tried to imagine that her mouth moved against his as she kissed him back.
But he felt nothing. No warmth at all.
She really was gone.
“You must leave, or you will be damaged beyond repair. Go now, Caligo.”
He wanted to snarl, to curse, to cry. He couldn’t. There was nothing left inside.
Barely conscious of his actions, he laid Tessa on the ground, stood, and walked through the gate his father held open for him.
***
“I really wish you would reconsider, Cal. It’s just too soon. You’re not healed yet.”
Cal glanced at his mom, who paced from one side of his room to the other, distress in every jerky motion. Serena had been hovering over him for the past four days, ever since his father had carried him back to their house and laid him in the bed that still smelled of Tessa.
His mom had taken one look at Cal and burst into tears. His dad had run out the door for a healer before Cal passed out. The burns had been bad. So bad that they hadn’t been sure he was going to make it for the first twenty-four hours.
He couldn’t have cared less. Not that he wanted to cause his parents grief, but they could live without him. They had for years.
Unfair? Yeah.
He didn’t care. He didn’t really care about anything at the moment. Wasn’t sure he ever would.
“Mom, I’m fine. I just need to get back to my own place. I promise I’ll take it easy.”
Mostly, he planned to drink himself into a coma for the next month. Then he’d see how he felt.
“Maybe I should come with you.”
Cal set his pack on the bed and turned to face her. Cal could count on one hand the number of times Serena had left Cimmeria for the outer plane. For her to offer now… “Mom, I’m not gonna do anything stupid. I just need a little time.”
“Leave the boy alone.” Diritas leaned against the door jamb of Cal’s room. His father had been quiet until now, watching every move Cal made. “He’ll be fine.”
He wondered if his father actually believed that or if he was saying it to appease his mother. When he looked at Diritas, Cal saw understanding in his dad’s eyes.
He nodded, knowing what his father was saying without words. He was trusting Cal not to break his mother’s heart by doing something stupid in his grief.
He wouldn’t. He just needed… solitude.
With his mother still literally wringing her hands, Cal hiked his pack over his shoulder, kissed his mom good-bye, then walked out the door.
Diritas walked with him to the oak Cal used to travel to and from his home on the earth plane. They bypassed the sprawling town, but as they approached the tree, Cal realized someone stood there.
Apparently waiting for him.
“Caligo.”
He didn’t recognize the man at first but there was something about him…
Diritas stepped in front of Cal, as if to defend him from attack. “Not now.”
Then it clicked. And he couldn’t even muster enough anger at old slights to care. “Furor. I see you’ve moved up in the ranks.”
Cal noted the cord around the other man’s neck, the color of the cord and the stone hanging from it signifying his rank as Excubitor. Head of the Sentinels and Watchmen. Technically, since Cal had never lost his rank, Furor was Cal’s boss.
Which didn’t mean a damn thing. Cal would never return to his post.
“Cal, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, well, I’m in no mood for it today, so don’t bother. I’m leaving.”
In his current mood, he might kill the guy. He wouldn’t actually care but if he did kill Furor, Cal would inherit the guy’s job. And there was no way in hell he wanted that position.
Furor nodded, his dark hair and light gray eyes a near match for Cal’s, though he was shorter and stockier. And fifty years older. “I’m not here to keep you. Or start a fight. I don’t hold you responsible for Frigus’s death, Cal. I never did.”
Yeah, he knew that. And Cal held no grudge against Furor, even though Furor’s brother had murdered Juliana and forced Cal’s self-imposed banishment from Cimmeria. “Then I don’t need a going-away party either.”
“Understood. I only wanted to assure you that if you ever desired to return home, your old position would be waiting for you.”
Cal’s eyes narrowed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Let’s just say I had an extremely unusual conversation with a certain… party who’s grateful for your recent assistance.”
The Involuti. Furor was talking about the Involuti.
“You served your office as Watchman with honor, Cal. And should you want to return, know that you’ll have no problem with me.”
Cal honestly didn’t know what to say to that one. He actually felt a tug somewhere in his chest, some distant remnant of his past life. At one time, he might have jumped at the chance to return.
Now…
Fuck, he didn’t have a clue. He just wanted to get the hell away from here.
The walls he’d built around his emotions had fissures. If left unattended, those fissures would become cracks. Those cracks, major breaks. He couldn’t afford to break down here. If he did, he’d never be able to live with himself.
Nodding in Furor’s general direction, Cal moved to the tree to open the gate.
And willed himself away.
Chapter 14
Someone was trying to break into his house.
At least, it sounded like they were trying to break down the front door.
Why the fuck anyone would want to was beyond Cal. People usually went out of their way to avoid his place. If they even managed to find it in the woods.
The last person who had…
No, not going there.
It’d been almost two weeks since he’d returned from Cimmeria, and he’d made good on his promise to drink himself into a drug-fueled haze where he didn’t know right from left, up from down.
Today, he’d made an insignificant attempt at personal hygiene by brushing his teeth so they didn’t feel coated in fur, and taking a shower.
Bully for him.
His hair hung wet and too long around his face. He hadn’t gotten around to shaving it off yet. He’d thought about it after his shower. Then he’d remembered Tessa running her fingers through it.
And he’d reached for the last bottle of tequila on the counter of the kitchen. That had been… He checked the clock on the stove. An hour ago.
Good, he was still drunk.
He really fucking hoped whoever was pounding on his door would go the fuck away soon bec
ause if they didn’t, they might find themselves on the receiving end of his emotional torment.
And he didn’t think they’d enjoy it.
Damn it, his chest still felt like it was going to crack open at any moment. He might not feel physical pain but he still had to deal with the emotional shit storm. And that fucking hurt. Like someone had slammed a wooden pole into his heart and left it there to rot.
Jesus Christ, that pounding was getting on his nerves. Why didn’t they just break a window instead of trying to break down the door?
Oh, yeah. No windows.
Shit.
Maybe a good fight would make him feel better. But even if whoever was out there broke down the door, no one could get through the wards. Well, no one but…
He took a deep breath.
Eventually, they’d have to give up and go away.
“Cal.”
He froze. Damn it, that sounded like Tessa.
He thought he’d stopped hearing her voice. The first few days back, he’d heard her everywhere. Her voice had awakened him every morning and put him to sleep at night. When he dreamed, he’d heard and seen her.
Even though he knew she was gone.
Thump, thump, thump.
Damn it, when the hell was that idiot gonna stop pounding on his door?
As if he’d willed it, the noise stopped.
Then he could have sworn he heard the door open. Only one other person had a key to his door.
“X, go the fuck away.”
Silence. And then, “Cal? Where are you? Why didn’t you answer the door?”
Shit. That was X’s voice.
“I told you to stay the fuck away,” he grumbled. “Why the hell don’t you listen to me?”
“Because you don’t really mean it.”
With his back to the door, Cal couldn’t see X but he felt his presence. The sun must’ve set if his brother had shown up at his door.
He really wasn’t up to dealing with his well-intentioned but pain-in-the-ass brother. Although he guessed he should be happy X had left him alone this long.
“Cal, you’re really gonna want to turn around, dude.”
“Is he still injured?”
His heart tripped over then began to pound like a bass drum. Tessa’s voice again. And this time closer and more distinct than it had been.
He was finally losing it.
He turned his head, ready to blast X for disturbing him. But his lungs seized up on him.
He was hallucinating. He had to be.
Tessa stood behind his chair, her eyes so blue they sparkled, her hair the same bright, sunny red-tinged gold. Dressed in a pretty little pink sundress that tied behind her neck, she practically glowed.
Fuck. He must be asleep because she only came to him in his dreams now. Which really sucked because when he woke, he’d be so fucking depressed he’d need to make a run to the liquor store.
With a sigh, he turned away from her and slumped back into his chair.
“I didn’t answer because I know you’re not real.”
He heard footsteps, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw her walk around his chair until she stood in front of him.
With her hands on her hips and her head cocked to the side, she frowned down at him. But her frown looked more than a little amused. “How do you figure?”
He just shook his head. “Because no one returns from Invol.”
And he really had to get that through his thick fucking head.
When she didn’t disappear into thin air, he resigned himself to having a conversation with a dead woman. And since he figured he was still asleep, it wouldn’t matter if his brother witnessed him talking because X wasn’t really here, either.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, babe. I’m so sorry.”
Tears welled and began to slip down his cheeks. He blinked, knowing he was completely embarrassing himself. This was getting to be a constant refrain in his dreams. He’d apologize and beg her to come back to him, and she’d just shake her head and disappear. Then he’d wake up.
“But of course you saved me, Cal. Here I am.”
That was new for the dream but he just shook his head.
Tessa’s perfect teeth bit into her upper lip, so hard that the skin turned white. Then she glanced over his shoulder, presumably at X.
“Has he been like this the entire two weeks?”
“I don’t know,” X said. “This is the first time I’ve seen him. I’m thinking I should’ve gotten here a little sooner. But Dad was adamant. He said Cal needed the time alone.”
“And dear old Dad was right. I’m still hallucinating, X, but she’s so damn beautiful that I just don’t care.”
She smiled then but she looked kind of sad. Definitely not how he wanted to remember her.
“X, I think I can take it from here,” she said. “Thanks so much for bringing me. I’ll make sure he calls you later.”
Cal looked over his shoulder at his brother, who just shook his head. “You sure?”
“Absolutely,” Tessa said. “We’ll be fine.”
X looked torn but since none of this was real, Cal let himself brush off his younger brother’s concern. “Fine. Just… make sure you call, okay? We’re all damn worried about him.”
“I’m not a goddamned child,” Cal grumbled, narrowing his gaze at her, afraid that if he closed his eyes, she’d disappear. And he wasn’t ready to lose her again.
“I know that, Cal. But you’ve scared your family. And frankly, you’re scaring me, too. You need to snap out of this.”
Tessa stepped closer and reached out to lay her hand over his on the chair’s arm. Warmth shot up his arm at the contact, making him draw in an unsteady breath.
Wait, this wasn’t how this dream normally ran.
He flipped his hand and let their palms meet, her fingers threading through his, the delicate bones of her hand so tiny against his, her skin soft.
Damn, maybe he’d finally fallen completely off the sanity train. But if he could stay here with her for just a little while longer, he’d die happy.
He stared up into those blue eyes, thinking how warm they looked. “I miss you, Tess. I miss your heat.”
Her smile was so sad. “I missed you, Cal. But I’m here now and everything will be okay.”
“Are you here to take me over?”
She frowned again, making such an adorable expression that he had to smile at her. “Take you over where?”
“Well, I figure since I’m dying, and you’re already gone, you must be here to help me cross the barrier into death.”
She shook her head, her expression rueful. “You’re not dying. And even if you were, I wouldn’t let you.”
Her hand tightened on his, and she came closer until her knees bumped against his. She lifted her left knee and squeezed it between his right thigh and the side of the chair, then squeezed her right one on the other side. Looping her arms around his shoulders, she sat on his lap and brought her face so close they were practically nose to nose.
“Does this feel like you’re dying?”
She closed the remaining distance between them and laid her lips on his, sucking on his mouth with gentle persuasion until he gave up the fight and kissed her.
Hell, might as well enjoy the illusion while he could. He’d be dead soon.
Except… his body didn’t feel like it was dying.
He had a hard-on so stiff it hurt, a pain he gratefully accepted because he hadn’t felt anything but a huge aching hole in his chest since she’d been gone.
He groaned and opened his mouth to her tongue flicking against his lips. He’d never deny her anything and she wanted into his mouth. Her tongue slicked against his, her taste exploding in his mouth with the force of a bomb.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and held on, never wanting to let go. Fuck sanity. Overrated, if you asked him.
Especially when he felt the heat between her legs as she settled her mound over his cock, even through the la
yers of his worn jeans and the thin cotton underwear she had on under the floaty little skirt.
His hands spread against her back, left bare by the dress, then worked at the knot holding the dress around her neck. Fucking hell, her skin. So fucking soft, like silk beneath his hands. He stroked her like a cat, her body moving beneath his hands, so damn responsive.
And so damn warm. He soaked himself in that warmth, let it surround him.
He’d been so fucking cold these past two weeks. So… dead.
He kissed her harder, his mouth pressed against hers as desperation started to creep in. His hands slid from under her dress and down to her smooth, rounded hips. He curved his hands around her smoothly muscled thighs, kneading her flesh before allowing his fingertips to graze the edges of her soft panties.
They were wet. With a shudder, he tunneled his fingers beneath them to feel the moisture coating her sex and breathed in her soft moan as his fingers dipped into her body.
Arching against him, she lifted up onto her knees so he could delve deeper and stroke her where he knew she liked it.
She felt like sleek, wet silk, tight and hot.
Her lips slid off his and across his cheek to his ear, where she nipped the lobe before whispering, “Oh, Cal, I missed you so much.”
He wanted to respond but couldn’t; he was too intent on soaking in her response to his every move. Her sex contracted around the two fingers he slid into her. So tight. His thumb hit the jut of her clit, and she moaned and clenched tighter.
His eyes shot open wide and he stared at her beautiful face, her expression a mask of pure pleasure. His breath caught in his throat as his body shuddered.
“Tessa. Oh, fuck, Tessa, it really is you. What… How…”
Her eyes opened slowly, and her smile made his heart pound so hard it hurt.
“Shh. It’s me, love. I’m right here with you.” She undulated, shifting her body up and down on his fingers as he remained frozen. “You feel so good, Cal. Don’t stop. Questions later. I need you now.”
No, he wouldn’t stop. Not ever.
Need built like a raging inferno, until he swore he was shaking. “I need to be inside you, Tess. Right now.”
“Then have me.”
With a groan, he pulled his fingers free to fumble with the waistband of his boxers. Tessa helped him shove them down over his hips and down his legs, his cock springing free so she could wrap her hand around him.
What a Goddess Wants Page 25
