Absently he touched his flaming cheek with light fingertips. “What are you talking about?” he asked, though his low voice was fringed with enough caution that Jade suspected he already knew what she was referring to.
“This.” She lifted the incriminating evidence, resisting the urge to bash the book over his goddamned gorgeous head. “Look familiar? It’s a personal, private journal of fantasies, Kyle. My fantasies. And look,” she said in mock surprise as she opened the cover and shoved it so close to his face he went cross-eyed. “It even has my name in it, so someone honest could return it before it got into the wrong hands.”
He pushed the book away and met her gaze, a muscle in his jaw tightening. There was something in his eyes—regret? Surely not, she thought bitterly. Someone who calculated such a depraved scheme couldn’t be capable of such an emotion.
“Jade—”
“Where did you get it?” she asked abruptly, not wanting to hear lies and flimsy excuses. “I want the truth, if you’re able to give me at least that.”
Her insult wasn’t lost on him. “It was in the box of books I bought at the yard sale.”
Somehow she’d known, even though her mind had tossed out that likelihood because she hadn’t wanted to accept the possibility. In a tight, aching voice she asked, “Did you know the journal was in the box before you bought the books?”
He hesitated, his whole body taut and defensive, though the denial she expected never formulated. “Yes.”
She turned away, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to block the pain ripping her insides to shreds. So, his pursuit had been deliberate, spurred by her most intimate fantasies. And like someone desperate for attention, starved for affection, she’d succumbed to his scheme.
She shuddered to realize how incredibly naive she’d been. Again.
“Jade, I’d like a chance to explain.”
She spun back around, shooting him an incredulous look. “What’s there to explain?” she asked, tossing the journal onto the rumpled bed. “Besides the fact that you used my fantasies to exploit me, physically and emotionally?”
If she hadn’t been staring so intently at his face while issuing her challenge, she would have missed the way he’d winced at her cutting words. “When I first discovered your journal, I saw it as an opportunity to get to know you better.”
“It was an invasion of privacy!” she said, her voice shrill to her own ears. “You took those fantasies and twisted them into your own sick, perverted versions.”
He jammed his hands on his hips, his fingers biting into the waistband of his boxer shorts. And then he had the gall to glare at her. “It was never like that!”
“Wasn’t it?” she cried in outrage. The injustice was hers, dammit, and she wasn’t about to relinquish it to him. “What about the night at the pool? Or the incident in your office with the peaches? And then there was the time you whispered in my ear, ‘put your hands on the table and keep them there,’ and then proceeded to imitate a fantasy I’d written. Oh, and let’s not forget your romantic adventure, and you bathing me in a very familiar way.” Her face burned with the humiliating memories, the way she’d openly responded to him. Accepted him. Trusted him. And gradually fallen in love with him.
It was all a ruse.
She jerked her chin up mutinously. “Did you or did you not buy my journal with the intention of using the fantasies to seduce me?”
His chest rose and fell on a harsh breath. His gaze was bright with self-condemnation, but the silent acknowledgment wasn’t enough for her. She was hurting, the sting of betrayal making her ruthless.
“Dammit, answer me!” she said furiously. “Did you?”
“Yes,” he hissed, the admission forced from him reluctantly. He clawed his fingers through his hair, the gesture filled with frustration. “I did, at first. It all seemed innocent enough—”
She gaped at him. “You call manipulating someone’s emotions innocent? Tell me, did you read my fantasies and feel sorry for me? Am I some kind of charity case you decided to take pity on? Poor Jade, she’s so uptight she’s got to write fantasies instead of finding herself a real man,” she mocked.
Blue eyes blazing with indignation, he caught her by the shoulders and gave her a firm shake. “For Christ’s sake, Jade, I never felt sorry for you! I was attracted to you, and although I knew you were attracted to me, too, you never let your guard down long enough to give me a chance. Then I found your journal, and I began to understand why you were so cautious. Your fantasies were safe, a way for you to escape without the threat of being hurt. Those fantasies allowed me to get close enough to discover who the real Jade was.”
Embarrassed that he’d seen so much in her journal entries, she shrugged off his touch. “And in the meantime, you had great fun playing fantasy lover, didn’t you?” At her emotional expense. “Tell me, did you enjoy messing with my head, confusing reality and fantasy? Just last night you came into my bedroom through my balcony, just like a fantasy I’d written! And you brought my journal with you. Were you hoping we could snuggle under the covers and read it together?” she asked sarcastically.
He took her barbed words with grace and admirable calm. “I came over last night with every intention of giving back the journal.”
Her face warmed as she recalled how she’d distracted him, and what a fool she’d made of herself by telling him she loved him. “And your great noble gesture was supposed to make everything you’ve done okay?” Certainly he didn’t think she was that guileless. Or forgiving.
“No, it wasn’t,” he said succinctly. Finding his folded clothes on her dresser, he grabbed his slacks and yanked them on, his gaze never leaving her face. “But did it ever occur to you that if I hadn’t brought over that journal, you never would have known I had it?” He let that realization sink in while zipping up his pants and fastening the button. “I didn’t have to give it back, Jade. I could have held on to it, or thrown it away, and you never would have known. It was my choice to give it back.”
She didn’t want to give him the chance to redeem himself, but she found she couldn’t keep from asking the all-important question: “So why did you?”
He approached her, his expression tenacious, and though every instinct urged her to step away, she found she couldn’t. He framed her face in his hands, his grasp gentle as he tilted her chin up, leaving her no choice but to look deeply into his eyes. She saw a wealth of regret, too much warmth and caring, and a need for her understanding she resolutely ignored.
“Why did I decide to give back the journal?” he said, repeating her question. “Because when I fell in love with you, I realized what I did was wrong, and I didn’t want the deception between us.”
She didn’t want to believe him, didn’t want to fall for more lies. No, she wanted to hurt him the same way she was hurting. “Guilt is a pretty powerful emotion, isn’t it?” From what she knew, it had been driving him for seventeen years.
He looked taken aback by her low blow, but recovered in the next instant. “Yeah, it is,” he said gruffly. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life I’m not proud of, and more things I regret. That’s why I see the importance of being totally honest with you.”
She smirked. “By doing the responsible thing?”
“Yes.” His mouth tightened into a grim line. “Goddammit, Jade, I don’t want to lose you!”
“And I’d be stupid to believe you!” Needing space, she shoved away from him, but before she could put any distance between them he grabbed her arm and whirled her back around.
“Believe this,” he said fiercely. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you, Jade.”
To her horror, she felt tears burn the back of her throat. She wrenched her arm from his grasp and embraced her furious emotions. “You have a hell of a way of showing it. Or was that just a game to you, too? Fulfill my fantasies, tell me you love me and then see if I’ll be grateful enough, stupid enough, to declare undying devotion in return?”
Anger flashed in his eyes, t
urning them to a steely shade of blue. “I’ll admit I never expected to fall in love with you, but I’ve never lied about my feelings for you. Not once.”
“I did,” she said hurtfully, bitterly. “I don’t love you. I hate you.” Feeling raw and torn inside, she wrapped her arms around her middle, wanting to let the awful tension within her unravel, but not in front of Kyle. There’d be plenty of time for that later, when she was alone. “I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way possible.”
She watched him struggle with the truth of that statement, but there was no way he could refute the fact that he had taken advantage of her. “Jade,” he implored, stepping toward her once again.
She backed away, holding up her hand as if the gesture alone would keep him at bay. “I don’t want to hear any more,” she choked out, damning the tears that now filled her eyes. “Just leave me alone. You had your fun, and I’ll admit the sex was fantastic, but I guess I’m not cut out for a no-strings-attached affair.”
He didn’t argue, though it appeared it took effort to restrain himself. “I’ll go, for now,” he relented, swiping up the rest of his clothes.
Without another word, he left, closing the front door after him. She leaned against the wall for support, but her shaking legs gave out anyway. Sliding to the floor, she buried her face in her hands and gave in to the sobs she’d been holding back. The raw pain erupted within her, clawing at her heart until she feared nothing was left.
Oh, God. She’d succeeded. She’d maintained control of the situation. She’d ended her relationship with Kyle with dignity. So why did she feel as though she’d lost everything that mattered to her?
Chapter Eleven
She was late.
Kyle checked his watch for the fourth time in the past fifteen minutes, then glanced out one of the windows in the lounge, waiting for a sporty red sports car to pull into the parking lot. According to the conversation he’d had with Jade’s secretary a few days ago, he had a 10:00 a.m. appointment to have pictures taken of the refurbished bar and restaurant for Casual Elegance’s portfolio. When he’d nonchalantly asked if Jade would be there for the shoot, he’d been told that she did usually accompany the photographer.
After a week apart, and with Jade so expertly avoiding him, he saw this opportunity as his one chance to talk to her. He’d been a wreck since he’d walked out of her condo. Leaving to give her space had been his biggest mistake—the closest he’d gotten to her since that morning was to hear her voice on her answering machine, on which he’d left a reel of messages she hadn’t returned.
His hopes of any sort of reconciliation dwindled when a champagne-colored BMW turned into the lot. A minute later, Mariah slid from the car, followed by a dark-haired man who emerged from the passenger side. He retrieved a large canvas bag and other photography paraphernalia from the trunk, then the two of them headed toward the entrance.
He waited at the door, feeling more than a little disgruntled that Jade had sent her sister to escort the photographer. As Mariah neared, he tried to gauge her mood, not sure what Jade had told her of their breakup.
The photographer entered the establishment first, his gaze quickly assessing the place before settling on Kyle. “’Morning,” he said pleasantly.
Kyle gave him a brief nod of greeting, and the other man strolled past him and into the lounge area of the bar. Setting his bag on a table, he began unzipping compartments, pulling out a digital camera, lenses, and other items.
Mariah stopped in front of him, boldly meeting his gaze. There was no animosity in her blue eyes, just a mild scrutiny he wasn’t sure he liked or appreciated. His frown deepened.
“Hello, Mariah,” he said, breaking the silence that was beginning to grate on his nerves as much as her unsettling inspection. Instinctively he braced himself for the scathing upbraiding sure to come in her sister’s defense.
“You look disappointed to see me.” A satisfied smile played around her lips. “I suppose that’s a good sign.”
He blinked at her unexpectedly blithe comment. “It’s nothing personal,” he said, forcing his tense shoulders to relax. “I was hoping to see Jade, but I should have known better than to think she’d come today when she’s managed to avoid me for an entire week.”
“No offense taken,” she assured him. “At least now I know you really do care about Jade.”
His jaw tightened with annoyance. “Of course I care about her.” He loved the stubborn, sassy woman so much he ached at the thought of losing her. Yet he didn’t know how to gain her forgiveness, especially when she refused to take his calls or see him.
Mariah glanced at the photographer, who looked ready to begin his assignment. “John, go ahead and start with the restaurant. You know what Jade expects in a portfolio, so I’ll trust your judgment.”
“Will do, boss,” he said, and disappeared through the archway adjoining the bar and dining area.
Clasping her hands behind her back, Mariah strolled casually around the lounge, her gaze taking in the improvements. “Truth be told, after what Jade told me you did, I did have my doubts about you and your intentions.”
“She told you what happened?” he asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable that Jade would share something so personal, such as how he’d used her journal of fantasies to seduce her.
Mariah glanced over her shoulder at him. “Don’t be so surprised, Kyle. We’re like best friends, and share just about everything. But seeing that you look as miserable as she does, I have to believe there’s something more between the two of you than just a journal of fantasies.”
He took little comfort in the fact that Jade was feeling as bleak as he was. “I never meant to hurt her, Mariah. I’ll admit what I did was wrong—”
“Not to mention immoral,” she added.
“Well, yes,” he reluctantly agreed.
“And unconscionable.”
Unable to refute that, he gave a brisk nod. “Yes.”
“And downright underhanded.”
He scowled and jammed his hands on his hips. The woman was pushing it, but he couldn’t argue the truth. “Yes.”
“And dishonest.”
Hell, at this rate, he might as well incriminate himself one hundred percent. “Yes.”
“And pretty darn close to being unforgivable.”
He hesitated on that one. He didn’t want to believe that Jade would never forgive him. But Mariah was waiting, and wouldn’t be satisfied until she had his remorse on a silver platter. “Yes! Yes, it was unforgivable.”
“Just so long as we agree,” she added sweetly.
“We agree,” he promised irritably, anything to appease her. He continued before she interrupted him again. “But what happened as a result of finding that journal was something I wasn’t prepared for, nor is it something I’m willing to give up on.”
She raised an inquisitive brow. “And what happened?”
Kyle wasn’t one to spill his guts about personal issues, but the need to talk to someone who understood the situation was overwhelming. He took advantage of Mariah’s listening ear.
“I fell in love with the woman beneath the flashy clothes, colored contact lenses and sassiness. I discovered a woman who is so sweet and giving she makes me feel invincible and worthy. No one has ever touched me so deeply. I’ve never let anyone close enough to try.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair and paced the newly varnished floor. “The truth is, the contents of that journal changed me.”
She tilted her head, looking mildly surprised by his confession. “How so?”
“Those entries gave me so much insight into who Jade is, made me understand why she wouldn’t let me, or any man get close to her. And while I was stripping away those layers of reserve, I came to care for Jade in ways I never expected.”
Mariah digested that, then added very quietly, “She was hurt pretty badly in the past.”
“I know all that. She told me everything. About how Adam destroyed her self-confidence…” His voice trailed off as
an awful realization hit him smack between the eyes. He’d never made the correlation between Adam’s treachery and his own deception until now. Both of them had manipulated Jade in different ways, wringing her out emotionally and destroying her trust. Christ, was it no wonder she loathed him?
He swallowed that truth, but it was a bitter pill to choke down. “Jade probably thinks I’m a bigger rat than Adam.”
“Pretty damn close,” Mariah agreed with a faint smile.
He had to laugh, just to release some of the pressure banding his chest. “Thanks. That makes me feel a helluva lot better.” Feeling drained and defeated, he sank into a nearby chair and stared up at the ceiling fans whirling quietly in the lounge. His emotions were all jumbled, and try as he might, he couldn’t ignore the huge ache in the vicinity of his heart. A sensation he’d never experienced until he’d fallen in love.
Sighing heavily, he met Mariah’s gaze again. “These past few months with Jade made me realize what was missing from my life. Laughter. Love. Caring. A family. I want things I’ve never wanted before…and I want them with Jade.”
Mariah crossed her arms loosely over her chest, her expression delighted and pleased…and concerned. “Did you tell her this?”
“She won’t give me the chance.” He sat up straight and braced his elbows on his knees. “Hell, she won’t answer her phone and she doesn’t return the messages I leave for her, at home and at work. She won’t even answer her door when I know damn well she’s home!” He’d gotten a piece of her mail in his box the other day and had shoved it beneath her door, knowing there was little chance she’d allow him to deliver it in person. “I’m running out of options, Mariah, and the more time that passes, the more she’s going to grow to hate me.”
Her Sexiest Fantasy (The Sexiest Series Book 2) Page 18
