DEDICATION
In memory of my father, for the things he invented
With gratitude to my mother, for the things she preserved
CONTENTS
DEDICATION
PART I SWITZERLAND
PART II “WE HOPE TO MAKE YOUR JOURNEY UNFORGETTABLE”
PART III “A LIE, A CONTRIVANCE, A FICTION”
PART IV SUBMISSION
PART V WINDOW DRESSING
PART VI “WHAT LIES WITHIN US”
PART VII SCOUNDREL TIME
PART VIII “PAPER IN HIS BLOOD”
PART IX ON YOUR MARK
PART X PARALLEL LIES
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PHOTOGRAPH SECTION
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ALSO BY ALLEN KURZWEIL
CREDITS
COPYRIGHT
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
This is a work of nonfiction.
No names have been changed.
PART I
SWITZERLAND
In the little world in which children have their existence whosoever brings them up, there is nothing so finely perceived and so finely felt, as injustice.
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
My youthful innocence suffered an injury. It was a slight scratch, which in the course of time grew into a gaping wound that cut deep into my flesh and did not close.
Hans Keilson, The Death of the Adversary
CONFESSION
You’ve been a menace and a muse. A beacon and a roadblock. My jailer and my travel agent.
You have this uncanny habit of popping up in the most unexpected places. During a walk through the Louvre. At the back of a bar. In the lyrics of a Broadway show tune.
If The Da Vinci Code shows up on TV or if I’m playing foosball with my son, if I spot a certain kind of fountain pen or a particular brand of wristwatch, there’s a good chance I’ll find myself thinking of you.
The prompts aren’t always that subtle. A few years back, a credit card company website summoned the obsession directly with a password hint: “Who was your archrival when you were growing up?”
Without a second thought, I entered the name of the boy who entered my life when I was ten years old—entered my life and reshaped it forever: C-E-S-A-R A-U-G-U-S-T-U-S.
RULES AND RANKS
Even if I hadn’t bunked with a kid named Cesar Augustus, memories of the Swiss boarding school that brought us together surely would have stuck. The eccentric imperatives of the institution’s forward-thinking founder and the exotic backgrounds of the teachers he employed, the daily meditations promoting liberty and the thirty-six-page handbook that curtailed it, the lessons in swordsmanship and elocution, the alpine expeditions, cold showers and soybean steaks . . . all of it was way, way too strange to forget.
Established on an mountain plain high above Geneva in 1949, Aiglon (pronounced EGG-lawn) was the brainchild of John Corlette, a headstrong, asthmatic Englishman with a singular vision of what a boarding school should be: regimented yet free-spirited, full of fearless high-altitude adventure and moral enlightenment. JC—yes, that’s how the founder chose to be addressed—believed physical fitness and spiritual reflection nurtured body and soul and that obedience was a prerequisite for independence.
“Freedom,” he declared, “is an exceedingly difficult commodity to handle. To do so requires very strict training and discipline. At Aiglon such training and discipline are not only provided; they are enjoyed.”
Well, not by me, they weren’t. As the school’s youngest pupil, the runt of the litter, I found myself at the very bottom of a pseudo-military pyramid codified in the aforementioned handbook. I received a copy of Rules and Ranks the day I arrived, September 1, 1971, and was given a written test on its contents a few weeks later.
Every lower-schooler entered Aiglon a so-called no-rank, with promotion to junior green badge summarily awarded to all but the most noncompliant plebe. The appearance of hard work, academic achievement, physical prowess, or moral rectitude (translation: brownnosing) paved the way for further upgrades, first to junior red badge, then to silver eagle, and from there to the lofty rank of golden eagle. A new sweater pin accompanied each promotion, as did a correlative bump in the pocket money handed out each Wednesday afternoon.
Upper-schoolers could climb even higher through JC’s Rank System by becoming standard-bearer candidates, then standard-bearers, then captains, and finally (for the two most even-keeled and charismatic pupils in the school) head girl and guardian, the latter honorific optimistically filched from Plato’s Republic.
Nuanced enough? Not for JC. He tweaked the protocol further by introducing stars. I recall this small refinement because the School Council promoted me to junior green badge star soon after I took first place at a regional track meet. (Two months later, I was stripped of the spangle when a dining-hall monitor caught me shirking my duties.) As a junior red badge star, the highest rank I achieved, my weekly “pay” was pegged at five Swiss francs, or roughly $1.25. Although the school took care of laundry, haircuts, postage, and paper, it was up to me to cover all miscellaneous expenses, and at Aiglon those expenses included fines.
{Courtesy of Aiglon College, Switzerland}
John Corlette (1911–1977), founder of Aiglon College, known as JC.
Say the house captain caught me flicking a towel or the dining-hall monitor noticed I was tilting backward in my chair. Suppose the outside tidiness captain found grease on my camping gear or his residential counterpart observed that I’d left a light on during the day. Any one of those slipups could trigger a fine of twenty to fifty centimes. And don’t for a second think a parent could cover those charges. External financial assistance was, at least in principle, banned from campus.
“The moment a student is given extra sums of money over and above his earned income, the education value of the system is destroyed,” JC noted in a brochure sent to my mother. The regulations tied to this apocalyptic premise were spelled out in the “Money and Trade” section of the Rules:
All and any currency exceeding five francs in total value must be handed to your housemaster at the beginning of each term. Any other money received by you during the term for birthdays, etc. must be handed in at once.
I was ten and terrified. I obeyed JC’s monetary restrictions. Most older students did not. Aiglon sustained a robust black-market economy dependent on all sorts of unsanctioned revenue streams. (Cesar, for example, did a brisk business reselling movie posters and pocketknives.) But heaven help anyone who got caught with “funds in excess of nine francs” (about two dollars). One of the nicest and most respected seniors, nabbed in flagrante delicto with a Diners Club card, got the boot two weeks before he was to graduate.
The cover of the thirty-six-page student handbook, circa 1972.
Money wasn’t the school’s only mechanism of control. Public tally boards also instilled discipline. Red marks—earned for feats of physical, spiritual, or academic virtue—signaled success and paved the way for promotions and bons, tissue-paper vouchers distributed by housemasters and accepted among local shopkeepers in lieu of cash. Black marks, on the other hand, could result in a pensum, a two-page assignment on a subject of a prefect’s choosing (“The Virtues of Thrift,” “The Sex Life of the Sand Fly,” etc.). Since I was too young to be saddled with written penalties, my waywardness usually resulted in “laps”—punishment runs requiring me to dash to a stone bridge and back, a hillside circuit of about a mile. Late for class? Laps. In the hallway after lights-out? Laps. Spotted crossing the invisible one-meter barrier surrounding the assistant housemaster’s VW Bug? Caught “being slimy,” “exhibiting loutish behavior,” or “micturating on a football pitch”? Laps, laps, and more laps.
The surveillance of co
nduct wasn’t restricted to adults. Each of the school’s five alphabetically named houses—Alpina, Belvedere, Clairmont, Delaware, and Exeter—operated under its own student-run bureaucracy. House captains managed prefects, prefects kept tabs on monitors, and monitors oversaw the rest of us. Everyone had at least one house chore. Besides serving as a yogurt carrier—a low-level job not to be confused with the more exalted position of yogurt checker—I also was compelled to provide assistance to a shower monitor with an imperial name.
WIENERWALD
Let’s rewind for a moment. How does a ten-year-old Jewish kid from New York end up at a Swiss boarding school founded by a mystically inclined Christian Englishman? For years, I had a ready response to that question: “My mother warehoused me in Aiglon while she was test-driving her third husband.”
But that glibness is misleading and unfair. I wanted to go to Aiglon. I campaigned to attend. And I did so for reasons that can be traced back to the alpine passions of another ten-year-old Jewish kid.
My father, born in Vienna in 1911, was raised to love the mountains. In a journal he kept as a young boy, he drew pictures inspired by his weekend hikes through the Vienna Woods—sketches of mountain ranges, flowers (snowdrops in particular), hound dogs, and deer. When he turned twelve, my father joined the local chapter of a socialist scouting organization called the Rote Falken, or Red Hawks. With like-minded leftists, he hiked, rope-climbed, and skied the Wienerwald and the Alps. Those adventures, and pretty much every other pleasure in his life, ceased once Hitler came to power. In 1938, he was arrested, along with most of his comrades. Yet unlike them, he managed to get himself released. Soon after he fled to England—the details of the escape are fuzzy—and from there immigrated to the United States, where he found work as a mechanical engineer.
After the war, my father returned to Europe under the European Recovery Program, known informally as the Marshall Plan. Whenever he wasn’t designing machinery—everything from room-size metal lathes to a tabletop “Automatic Orange Juicer”—he’d head for the Alps. By 1958, he had lined up enough consulting work among Italian machine-tool manufacturers to resettle in Milan with his second wife (my mother), two stepchildren, and a pair of handmade hiking boots. I was born two years later.
All of which is a roundabout way of explaining why I spent winter holidays in Switzerland. My father would load Mom, my much older half siblings, Ron and Vivien, and me into his Chevy Impala—an elegant, powerful, and generously proportioned first-generation import purchased by an engineer who was himself an elegant, powerful, and generously proportioned first-generation import. He’d then drive the family to Villars, a sleepy village in the Vaud, a French-speaking canton celebrated for its watchmakers, ski slopes, and international boarding schools.
A preference for the rustic charms of Villars over the glitz of Gstaad or Saint Moritz shouldn’t suggest that my father was immune to luxury. Quite the opposite. A classic example of what the Swiss call a Cüpli-Sozialist, or champagne socialist, he spent lavishly on friends and family and, in particular, on me. While his generosity found expression throughout the year, my father, lapsed Jew that he was, waited until Christmastime to go whole hog, transforming the Villars of my early childhood into a life-size snow globe filled with Steiff animals, LEGO bricks, Märklin trains, milk chocolate, and candy. (It was my father who introduced me to Sugus taffies, a superior antecedent to Starbursts.)
Dad was particularly immoderate when it came to winter gear. My closet in Milan quickly filled with goose-down snowsuits and double-bladed skates, wooden skis and leather lace-up boots small enough to have hung from the Chevy’s rearview mirror. Not that Dad himself did much skiing or hiking by the time I came along. Arteriosclerosis and severe angina made prolonged exertion impossible. Yet even in sickness he found a way to honor the Alps. He kept his meds in a silver pillbox shaped like the iconic whiskey cask associated with the Saint Bernard rescue dogs once bred for alpine rescue.
{Courtesy of Edith Kurzweil}
One of the thousands of photographs my father took of me in Villars. I’m around three in this one.
When I turned four, my father had a heart exam. That exam led to further tests, and the tests revealed he had cancer. He rejected the treatment options recommended by the local doctors, arguing that Italian hospitals were far more life threatening than any disease. When my mother finally strong-armed him into consulting an oncologist in the United States, it was too late. Dad spent his final Christmas in a New York hospital bed and died in a morphine haze on April 19, 1966. He was fifty-four and I was five.
A sketch from a notebook my father started when he was ten years old.
{Courtesy of Edith and Len Kurzweil}
Further evidence that my father, Robert Kurzweil, loved the mountains.
Widowed in a foreign land, Mom saw no future for us in Italy. She moved me, along with Ron and Vivien—both bound for college—into an apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The new place was sparsely furnished and bleak, made bleaker still by the sorrow of its two principal occupants.
While my father was alive, our home had been filled with his photography. (He always traveled with a boxy Rolleiflex camera strapped around his neck.) One long corridor of the Milan apartment had been given over to a set of images he’d shot of me, age three, tottering down a dirt road above Villars. After our relocation stateside, those photos never got rehung. In fact, no image taken by my father, or of my father, was displayed.
Such acts of wholesale erasure were not unusual in the 1960s. Grief experts commonly advised widows with young children to banish all physical reminders of the deceased and to shroud in euphemism any reference to death. So when I was told that my father had gone to his “resting place,” I felt confident he’d eventually get bored, wake up, and rejoin his family.
Mom did what the shrink advised her to do; she kept me home the day of the funeral. It was only at the Yahrzeit ceremony a year later (again with the therapist’s approval) that she brought me to my father’s gravesite. When, as Jewish tradition dictates, my mother placed a rock on the headstone, I had a meltdown.
“Stop!” I screamed.
Mom froze, confused by my outburst.
“Stop! You’re hurting Daddy!”
“But sweetie.”
“You’re standing on him! You’re crushing him! Get off! Get off!”
“But—”
“GET OFF!” I shoved my mother off my father’s body and ran away in a blind fury. She remembers it taking the better part of the afternoon to find me. I was discovered weeping, inconsolably, behind a marble crypt.
Even as my notions of death matured, I continued to dream of a father-son reunion. A survey of the Manhattan phone book, conducted when I was eight, revealed that a “Kurzweil, Robert” resided a few blocks away from our apartment. While Mom was out, I would sometimes start to dial the number listed in the directory. But only once, as far as I remember, did I have the courage to allow the call to go through. I hung up before Kurzweil, Robert, answered. I couldn’t handle the possibility that the voice on the other end of the line belonged to my father. Or worse, that it didn’t. I never dialed the number again.
I don’t remember much about my father. In point of fact, I have only one clear memory. It’s in early March 1966. Daytime. I’m standing at one end of a long hallway when, from the other end, I hear the sound of squeaking wheels. I look and see Dad rolling toward me on a hospital gurney. When he reaches the spot where I’m standing, he takes hold of my hand and gives it a squeeze. I can’t recall what he says to me or what I say to him, but I retain the physical sensation of my hand in his, and I can still see the watch he has strapped to his wrist. I remember the face of that watch more vividly than the face of its owner.
THE MARXIST
With my father gone, Mom needed to figure out a way to pay the bills. After reviewing her options—managing a family-owned granite and marble warehouse or becoming a professor of sociology—she chose the latter path. That
meant getting a PhD, which in turn meant writing a doctoral thesis. She wrote her dissertation on Italian industrialists, a familiar subject given my father’s commercial pursuits. Still, the research required a year of fieldwork in Italy. For the single mother of a ten-year-old that presented certain logistical challenges—challenges further complicated by the extracurricular attentions of a Marxist sociologist for whom Mom was working part-time. I realized pretty quickly that while she was pursuing her degree, the Marxist was pursuing her. So intense was his ardor that he took a sabbatical from his post as a professor at Amherst College and joined her in Italy.
And where did that leave me? Mom suggested that I spend sixth grade at an English boarding school in Villars.
In Villars? She might as well have proposed Disney World, which, everyone knew, was just about to open down in Florida. No, this was better than Disney World. Mom was giving me a chance to return to a realm I imbued with far more magic than any trademarked magic kingdom.
Before the start of school, Mom took me on a road trip through Italy. First stop: Bologna, to pick up the Marxist’s spanking new river-blue Audi 100 LS automatic. (My father wasn’t the only champagne socialist in my mother’s life.) The vehicle came fully loaded—sunroof, tinted glass, FM stereo. It also included a couple of hidden charges: the Marxist’s two French daughters, ages eleven and thirteen.
{Courtesy of Edith Kurzweil}
My mother, Edith Kurzweil, circa 1972.
The girls were even more put off by the travel arrangements than I was. Although fluent in English, they boxed me out of all backseat diversion by restricting their conversations to French and German. When not conspiring against their de facto stepbrother, or squabbling between themselves, Anna and Antonia would gang up on their father. At one point, the bickering became sufficiently unbearable that the Marxist halted the Audi, dumped his elder daughter, Anna, by the side of the road, and zoomed away. It took my mother the better part of an hour to convince him to turn around and retrieve her.
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