Reuben didn’t answer. Sobs kept him from spewing an angry protest.
“Reuben? Mom needs to hear you make that promise, baby.” Her voice was fading.
Reuben didn’t want to. He wanted to yell at her and tell her she couldn’t go. He wanted to hurt God for even thinking of taking her and Dad. But he knew Dad was already gone. He hadn’t moved for a long time. Why did God have to take both of them? He was a kid. He needed them. He prayed that God would understand and change his mind.
“Reuben?”
He caught his breath and choked back the tears. “Okay, Mom, I promise. I will take care of my sisters. I’ll always be there for them.”
“And love them?”
“And love them, Mom.”
Mom lay on her back in the brown patch of matted grass. Reuben saw her stare at the sky and sigh.
“I love you, Reuben. I’m going to sleep now, but you hang on. Someone is going to find you soon. I love you, baby.”
Mom had closed her eyes then, and Reuben had screamed her name for hours, begging her to wake up. He pleaded with God to wake up both of his parents, or to let him go with them.
He yelled until well after nightfall, when two men carrying flashlights and a first aid kit found the van and worked feverishly to cut him loose from his seatbelt. He was hoarse by then, and his eyes were dry. He figured he must have cried all the tears his body possessed, but he hadn’t stopped screaming until they put him in the ambulance and covered his mouth with an oxygen mask.
Reuben sat up in bed now and clutched the sides of his head. Sobs wracked his body again. Peyton stirred beside him and sat up too. She rubbed his shoulders and took his head into her lap. She stroked Reuben’s cheek and let him cry.
When the tears abated, the deep sorrow he felt every time he had this dream was replaced by frustration. With himself.
“Moving back here isn’t making it better,” he finally said. “My sisters don’t want to be bothered with me. I still can’t keep my promise. I’ve never been able to do that. I let Mama and Daddy take over, and I never told them what I had promised my mom. I’m such a waste.”
Peyton was silent for a long time. She pulled Reuben to a sitting position and wiped his tear-streaked face.
“I’m sorry you’re still having bad dreams, baby, but they are getting better. I can tell. They aren’t occurring as often as before, and you haven’t had any panic attacks since our move. You will get to keep your promise, but it won’t be in your timing, it’s up to God,” she said. “Just hold on and take it day by day. Your sisters aren’t going anywhere. God will work it all out.”
Peyton was tight with God. Reuben had never doubted that. When she declared how God would answer a prayer or resolve a situation, Reuben usually trusted her wisdom.
But something told him she might have misunderstood God this time. Being at the same dinner table, at the same family gatherings, and even in the same wedding, wasn’t going to shrink the chasm between him and his sisters. And if Indigo and Yasmin ever learned about the promise to his mother that he hadn’t kept, they would resent him all the more.
How could he fix that? How could he ever make things better? Reuben closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Please, God, let Peyton be right. I hope you’re on the case, working all of this out.
Reuben hadn’t trusted God much since the accident; but after this big move and the strain of these continued nightmares, he had nowhere else to turn. If the God Peyton loved couldn’t fix things, he might never get well.
14
Indigo and Shelby strolled through The Galleria mall in Dallas, looking for just the right pair of heels to compliment the dress Shelby would be wearing tomorrow night when she joined her husband Hunt at a Sunday evening business dinner. The ladies had hit a few boutiques in the city and visited two other malls without success.
“Shopping is for the birds,” Shelby told Indigo when they took a break between stores. They stood on an upper level of The Galleria, watching kids and teenagers ice skate below. “If I don’t find what I’m looking for in one of the next few stores, I’ll have to wear the standby black pumps I packed. At least they’re peep toe. That’s the style now, you know.”
Indigo shook her head. This woman hadn’t changed since their days at Tuskegee University. Indigo had been forced to dress both of them then, like she obviously was going to have to do today. Shelby was a naval officer through and through. She didn’t have a clue, or even care, about the latest styles or the best designers or how and why she should stick with up-to-date clothes that flattered her gorgeous figure.
Four years after college graduation, her flawless cocoa skin, curvaceous shape, and beautiful smile could land her a spot on America’s Next Top Model, if the height requirement were adjusted downward and the age limit pushed up by a few numbers. Even without designer wear though, she dressed nicely and was comfortable and well put together in whatever she sported.
Still, Indigo chided her friend. “Shopping is wasted on you,” she said. “You’ve tried on five or six fabulous pairs of shoes—stilettos, slingbacks, strappy sandals—and nothing suits you. You can’t find what you want because you don’t know what you’re looking for! Will you just do what I say and buy a pair? Or two?”
Shelby laughed and patted Indigo’s hand. “If it will help you chill out, then yes! Maybe we need to get down there on the ice and work off some stress?”
Indigo chuckled this time. “I am wound up pretty tight, aren’t I? I should have warned you about that before you suggested that I come up to hang out with you while Hunt’s in his meetings.”
Indigo was thankful that this was one of her low-key weekends, free of photo gigs. She and Max had planned to house hunt, but he had been fine with changing their plans when she told him she had an opportunity to spend some time with Shelby. Though Corpus Christi was just six hours from Jubilant, it seemed a world away when they both were so busy. The much closer trip to Dallas was giving them some needed hang-out time.
Hunt had hit the ground running, networking and catching up with other engineers who had flown in from other sites. That left Shelby and Indigo on their own, to their delight.
They resumed their stroll through the mall, pausing occasionally to window-shop. When they reached an ice cream counter, Shelby tugged at Indigo’s shirt and pulled her into the line.
“Let’s take a break. One scoop of chocolate would do me good.”
Indigo shook her head. “We aren’t going to find you a pair of shoes, are we?”
Shelby laughed. “Spending time together, catching up, is much more important. Come on, forget about your diet today.”
Minutes later, they were seated in the café court indulging their sweet tooths. Shelby’s one scoop of chocolate had turned into two, and Indigo had followed suit.
Between savory bites, their chatter turned serious.
“So what have you decided about starting a family? Still think it’s too soon?” Indigo asked. She had mailed Shelby and Hunt a congratulatory card for their third wedding anniversary two weeks ago.
Shelby scooped up some ice cream and slowly slid the spoon between her lips. She shrugged. “I do. He doesn’t. He’s ready to be a dad, and probably by the time a baby arrives, we would have been married four years. He thinks that’s perfect.”
“I thought you always wanted kids. What gives? Are you worried about your career?”
Shelby sighed. “I’ve always talked about becoming an astronaut, haven’t I? I just don’t know anymore.”
Indigo suppressed the confused frown that would have mirrored the alarm in her heart. What was happening to her friend?
“Is everything okay between you and Hunt? Are you two alright?” She didn’t mean to pry, but if Shelby needed to talk, she wanted her to know she could.
Shelby sat back and swished the spoon around in the half-eaten cup of ice cream, making it melt faster. “We’re doing fine—finally. It’s been an adjustment getting used to married life, especially as an in
terracial couple. Sometimes I feel threatened when I see his gorgeous blonde and blue-eyed co-workers flirting with him at office parties, and I wonder how far they push the envelope when I’m not around. Hunt is great, though. He always reassures me that he loves me, and he chose me to be his wife because that’s who he wanted—me. But I do struggle with that, especially when I’ve had to go away on naval assignments for months at a time.
“What woman would leave her Brad Pitt–look-alike husband alone, when sharks are lurking?” Shelby said and laughed. “And then, to bring a child into the mix, with no family to help us in Corpus Christi, I just don’t know. I’m debating whether to stay active duty or to pull back and join the reserves.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“That would allow me to be home more and also give me the flexibility I would need if we do start a family. I’m just scared about what these changes would mean for me and Hunt. I think he’s convinced that having a baby will bring us closer together, but I’m not so sure. His family accepts me, for the most part, but I don’t know how they would treat a biracial grandchild.”
Indigo held up her hand before Shelby could say more. “You’re dreaming up problems. Let’s just take it one step at a time. Do you even want children?”
Shelby nodded. “Of course. I think so. Someday.”
“Okaaay,” Indigo said. “Do you want to continue flying planes? And what about your goal to become an astronaut? That’s all you and Brian talked about when we were at Tuskegee. That’s why you put yourself through that grueling training at Officer Candidate School the summer after graduation. You’re going to give up on your dream, just like that?”
“I’m really not sure, Indie,” Shelby said. “That just requires so much focus and time. Right now, I want to focus on my marriage more than anything else.”
Indigo knew Shelby was holding back. Whatever it was, she hoped her friend would be okay. She took Shelby’s hand in hers.
“If something’s troubling you, give it to God, friend,” Indigo said. “I’m always here if you need me. My only advice or feedback right now would be to listen to your heart, about everything. Don’t stop pursuing your goals just to accommodate someone else’s. Hunt knew you wanted to be an astronaut when he proposed. He knew you were black and you knew he was white.
“Ya’ll both knew your babies would be a beautiful combination of you both. Just hold on to those facts and try not to get lost in the fear so much. Okay?”
Shelby smiled and squeezed Indigo’s hand. “There’s the Indigo I know.”
Indigo smirked. “Now what is that supposed to mean?”
Shelby hesitated.
“You and I have always been real with each other, Shelby,” Indigo said. “Tell me what you mean.”
Shelby peered into Indigo’s eyes. “It’s just that you’re different . . . angrier . . . harder to get along with since Reuben has become part of your life again,” she finally said. “And I don’t mean since he moved back to Jubilant. This has been going on for a while. Now that he’s back in Jubilant permanently, you almost seem . . . bitter.”
Indigo felt her defenses rising, but tried to remain calm. “Well, I suppose I have had a chip on my shoulder.”
“But why? Do you even know?”
A laundry list of reasons filled Indigo’s mind—he was Mama and Daddy’s pet; they and everyone else thought he was so wonderful; he had never explained his long estrangement from the family; he seemed to feel like he was entitled to the praise and attention—after all, he was the eldest grandchild, and he was a miracle—he had been the sole survivor in the crash that had killed their parents.
Indigo felt knots forming in her stomach as she ran through the mental list of aggravating circumstances. “Reuben’s been walking around with a ‘God complex’ for a long time. I’m just tired of it.”
Shelby opened her mouth to respond but seemed to think better of it. “Come on,” she said. She stood and pushed her chair back from the table, and dumped her ice cream cup into a nearby trash bin.
Indigo did the same, and Shelby linked arms with her.
“Let’s head back to the hotel and chat on the way. I’ll wear the peep toe pumps. They’ll be fine for tomorrow night.”
On the drive to Shelby and Hunt’s hotel suite twenty minutes away, Shelby kept her eyes on the road, but turned the conversation back to Indigo.
“Indie, I think it’s you with the God complex.”
“Excuse me?”
“You know I love you like a sister, so I’m only telling you what I see, from hours away in Corpus Christi. I’m sure Reuben has his hang-ups and faults—who doesn’t? But he’s not the one making Ms. Irene and Mr. Charles dote on him. He can’t help that they treat him that way. He doesn’t seem to come to town craving attention; he’s just trying to get reacquainted with his family. I think his new job had more to do with that than anything else.”
“So now you’re on his side too. Just like Max, who refuses to un-invite Reuben to be in the wedding.”
Shelby glanced at Indigo and reached over to touch Indigo’s forehead with the palm of her hand.
Half angry and half hurt, Indigo forcefully removed it and tried to laugh. “Why are you checking my temperature? I’m not the sick one in this car,” she said. There was an edge to her voice, despite the cheerful tone she managed to muster.
Shelby returned her hand to the steering wheel and weaved in and out of traffic. The navigation system led her to the hotel, and she pulled into the parking lot. Indigo pointed to an empty spot next to her parked car. Shelby eased into it and pressed the button to automatically lower the windows before turning off the rental car.
Both women focused on the sea of vehicles whizzing by on the interstate in front of them.
“You know I love you, Indie, and I wouldn’t intentionally say or do anything to hurt you,” Shelby said. “But you’ve got to get past all of the attention Reuben is receiving and figure out how to forgive him over whatever he’s done in the past to anger you. You also need to figure out what’s making you feel that you have to compete with him so you can resolve that issue.”
Indigo felt embarrassed. Shelby’s lecture was similar to the wake-up call conversation she’d had with Yasmin two weeks ago.
“You and Reuben are different people and you weren’t born with the same gifts or for the same purpose,” Shelby continued. “Love him as he is, and allow him to do the same with you.”
Indigo inhaled and slowly expelled the breath. She settled in the seat and folded her arms across her chest.
“What are you thinking?” Shelby asked. “Are you mad at me?”
Indigo shook her head. “No, I always want you to tell me the truth. This is your perspective. But I’m struggling with whether what you’re suggesting is doable,” she said. “I can’t turn on and turn off my emotions like a faucet. I can’t help it if I feel . . . I don’t know what I feel! I just can’t let Reuben in, just like that.”
“Why not?” Shelby asked. “He’s your brother.”
The answer slipped from Indigo’s lips before she gave it much thought. “Because if I let him get close, it will hurt even more when he decides to leave again.”
There it was. The fear that had been lurking under the surface all along.
“Bingo,” Shelby said softly.
Silence mushroomed between them for a long while, then Shelby spoke again. “Now that you’ve named the problem, you can move forward and resolve it.”
That, though, might be the bigger problem, Indigo realized. What if she didn’t want to resolve it? What if she decided to keep her distance, just in case her concern was justified? If Reuben were going to do another disappearing act, this time she would be prepared; this time it wouldn’t tear her apart.
15
Reuben loosened his tie, then started the car. His first week on the job had earned him praise from his new boss and staff, and at the beginning of his first weekend as a Jubilant city employee, he was f
eeling great.
Working for a small agency was a massive leap from heading up a department for a worldwide entity like Amazon, but everyone was friendly and seemed to appreciate his knowledge. He was going to fit in nicely and have the chance to do a lot of meaningful work to get the city up to speed technology wise.
The fifteen-minute drive home gave him time to put to bed any lingering reflections over the day’s meetings and loosely craft a plan of action for Monday.
His cell phone rang and jarred him back to the present. It was Peyton. He answered with his Bluetooth and simultaneously turned down his radio volume.
“Hey, babe,” he said. “Are you and Charles David ready to go? I have to change into my jeans when I get home, and we can head over to Mama and Daddy’s.”
“We’re ready,” Peyton said. “I’ve wrapped Yasmin’s gift from Charles David. He picked out a teddy bear when I took him to the mall earlier today. It would be great if you’d stop by a store and pick up a card for her, to hold the gift card we’re giving her.”
“No problem, I’ll see you in a few.”
“Great,” Peyton said. “And Reuben?”
“Yeah, babe?” he asked, certain that she was about to venture where he didn’t want to go.
“Have you decided yet what you’re going to do?”
He had avoided the question all week, but he knew Peyton would ask before they left for this family gathering. She believed the frequency of his nightmares would decrease if he talked with his sisters about them, but he disagreed. Until he was ready to share everything, he would only look weak.
“Not yet, Peyton,” he said. “I’ll know when—or if—it’s time to discuss what’s been going on with them. Let’s just celebrate Yas-min’s birthday today. She’s been having a rough time. I’m looking forward to seeing her smile.”
He knew the admission that her “miracle survivor” brother wanted forgiveness for failing to keep a long-ago promise and the opportunity to honor that oath now wouldn’t sit well with Miss Yasmin, especially after all these years. She had been a first grader when he left for college.
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