by C. A. Harms
The serious tone Chase took gave me the chills.
“I’m not a violent man,” he said, as if I needed to hear those words.
“I know that,” I assured him as I placed my outstretched hand against his cheek.
“But in that moment I could have been. I could have beat him and not even his cries would have stopped me.” I could tell that acknowledgement was one he was having a hard time with.
“You’re angry, hell I’m angry, but that doesn’t make you a bad man. Chase,” I forced him to look at me by leaning in closer. “You are a good man, and even though you say that you could do those things, I know if faced with the opportunity that goodness inside you would win.”
He shook his head but I only smiled.
“You are a good man,” I said once again and after a few seconds of silence he leaned in and kissed me, letting the argument fade.
Knowing that his love for me was that fierce, that he was sure he’d do whatever it took to protect me, only made me fall in love with him more.
Chase was intense.
He was mine.
And he was the father of my child, a child I knew without a doubt he would love just as fiercely.
Chapter Thirty
Chase
The fact that Keeton and his groomsmen wore dress shirts, top button open, with suit jackets and no ties was the best news I’d been given when I was asked to be part of the wedding.
I hated ties.
The girls wore cowboy boots with their dresses, making walking through the grass so much easier.
Keeton and Olivia were married on a hill, on Sawyer land. It was apparently a spot that meant something special to all of them, you could see it in their eyes.
The ceremony was emotional, for many reasons. And I felt lucky that I was a part of it.
One day I hoped Trinity and I would be sharing a day similar to this one.
She looked gorgeous, a soft pink dress that fell just above her knees, gently moving with each breeze. I think I watched her more than the actual nuptials because she was that breathtaking.
I listened to the words spoken by the preacher, the sounds of all the guests, and the Sawyers kids in the background, but all I could think of was one day she and I would be here.
And that thought didn’t scare me.
But we had time; there was no need to rush.
People had children every day without marriage, but one day I would guarantee anyone who asked that Trinity would share my last name.
I sat back throughout the first part of the reception as the family exchanged hugs and tears of happiness. I watched as each of them treated Trinity as if she had been born into the Sawyer family and had never once been anything but their family.
My family was never truly close.
They were always too busy trying to outdo the other. To them it was always more about what you had in your bank account or what type of car you drove than the actual love of a real family.
It made me feel good knowing that my son or daughter would know what true love felt like, because here in Livingston they would be surrounded by it.
I smiled remembering our appointment with the doctor, just yesterday. Trinity smiled bright as the doctor placed some type of paddle looking thing against her stomach and the sound of our child’s heartbeat filled the room.
We were then told that everything looked and sounded great. Come next spring we would have our child safely in our arms.
I could almost still feel that same joy.
She was only ten weeks and though she wasn’t showing yet, I looked forward to the day she did. I wanted more than anything to be able to hold her at night with my hand resting against her rounded belly.
“What are you over here smiling about?” I looked up just as Trinity stepped up next to me.
I reached out and took her hand in mine, lifting it to my lips to place a kiss along her knuckles. “I was just thinking of yesterday,” I confessed. “Remembering the sounds of our baby’s heartbeat and the smile on your face during that moment. It was just a happy moment.”
“I guess we’ve never really talked about it,” she said and I was instantly confused. “It was all so unplanned.”
“Yeah, it was,” I agreed. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you.” I leaned in and kissed the side of her mouth. “And pregnancy or not, I had every intention of keeping you real close. Now I just have more of you, because this baby is a part of me and a part of you. I’m exactly where I want to be, with the one person I can always see in my life. I want you Trin, fully, and nothing will ever change that.”
She swallowed so hard I swear I heard it as her throat bobbed.
“I can’t wait to meet this little person that I hope is just like their mother. Because their momma is the sweetest, kindest woman I know.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“I love you, sweet girl,” I whispered just before kissing her. “And I love our child so much already.”
The last thing I ever wanted was for Trinity to feel as if I regretted even one moment with her.
I already knew long before I met her that she would change my life. Had I known it would be to this extent? No. But never would I ever change a thing that had happened between her and me.
“Dance with me,” Trinity said.
As if I could deny her.
I hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her body to mine. “I’d love too.”
I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t be terrible at it, or that I wouldn’t step on her toes more than once, but I’d try. Because she wanted me to. I’d do anything for her.
I allowed her to lead me toward the area where every other person had gathered to dance. And she turned to face me, wearing that smile I loved so much, I stepped up close and took her in my arms.
She felt right in my arms. It was like she had always been there, as if that very spot was created just for her.
“I love you, Chase,” she whispered.
I looked over toward my Nan, who at that moment was watching the two of us close and she smiled at me.
She hadn’t said as much, but I knew that she had also fallen in love with Trinity.
She offered me a nod of her head and I squeezed Trinity just a little tighter.
“I love you too, baby,” I whispered in return. “More than I’ll ever be able to express. You’re my world, sweetheart.”
I heard her sigh and I knew just what she was feeling because right then, everything felt like it was exactly as it should be.
Chapter Thirty-One
Trinity
I woke in tears for the third time in three weeks. The dreams felt so real. The pain and agony that made my chest ache so severely.
I’d heard and read of the dreams that were sometimes brought on during pregnancy, but nothing ever prepared me for the actual experiences of those dreams.
And they were all the same.
I rested my hands over my slightly swollen belly that in just the last couple of weeks seemed to make an appearance.
The physical presence of my tiny baby bump gave me the reassurance that my dreams were just that, dreams.
I wasn’t still trapped in the life I once led with an evil man. I had the unconditional love of an amazing man who stood by my side and accepted me, flaws and all.
Once I had calmed my racing heart I moved from the bed and down the hall toward the kitchen. It was just barely after 7:00 and usually by now I could smell some sorta something cooking in the kitchen.
Only this morning everything was so quiet. No banging of pans or fresh coffee brewing. It was eerily quiet.
Chase had gone into the station early to finish up some paperwork he didn’t do last night. And Nan was usually up and moving by now, but there was nothing.
I continued through the kitchen and toward Nan’s room only to find her door was still shut.
I paused for a moment as I pressed my ear to the door and listened for any signs that she may be moving around.
My stomach tensed, giving me that feeling one gets when they know something is wrong.
I tapped on the door.
“Nan,” I said, pausing for her response that never came.
My stomach only tensed more.
“Nan, are you there?” I asked once again as I placed my hand on the knob and began to turn.
My heart immediately began to race as I looked into the darkened room and found Nan lying on the floor near her bed, with her eyes closed.
I rushed forward and knelt by her side. “Nan, please.” I practically begged her to say something, to do anything. I just wanted to see those irritated eyes and hear her complain about me being too protective. I wanted her to yell and tell me that if she wanted to lie on her damn floor that was her choice not mine.
But nothing came.
I felt for a pulse and was immediately relieved to find she did have one. Rapid, but it was there.
I tried to remain calm as I went in search of a phone. Nan was still one of those old school ladies who believed in house phones versus a cell phone. There in the hallway sat a cordless phone on the charging base.
My hands shook as I dialed 911 and began moving back toward Nan, who still lay in the same place.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the young woman asked as she answered the call.
“I need an ambulance at 1842 Furrow Lane.” My voice shook just as much as my hands.
“Okay ma’am, can you talk to me and tell me what’s going on?” she asked.
“Please send them now,” I practically begged.
“They’re on their way, but as they are I would like to get some further information for them. I can dispatch the nature of the emergency through to the EMTs if you’ll just tell me a little about what’s going on.” She was so calm and that seemed to help because on the inside I was slowly falling apart.
Nan meant so much to Chase, and she had also begun to mean so much to me. The thought of something happening to her devastated me. I couldn’t imagine what this would do to Chase.
“My grandmother,” I said as I again took her hand in mine. “I don’t know what’s wrong; I just found her crumpled on the floor, and she’s breathing but unresponsive to my voice.”
“Does she have any previous health concerns that we need to know about?” she asked.
I tried to remember everything Chase had told me about Nan. The medication she took, the recent visits to her doctor.
“Liver disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis,” I said in a rush. “And, um…” God, what couldn’t I remember? I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and recalled a conversation one morning over breakfast when Chase was harping on his grandmother about her health.
“And Coronary Artery Disease.” It was a joke between Nan and Chase because when he got all worked up, she would say, “Stop having a damn coronary, boy.” It only pissed him off more that she was making light of her health.
“Okay, the ambulance is only a few minutes away, but we’ve relayed all the information you provided to them. They are well aware of the patient.” She talked to me, continuing to ask questions about her current condition.
She had me check her pulse and continue to talk to her, trying to gain some sense of response.
Once I let the paramedics inside, I stepped back and watched as they took over. With each passing moment I only managed to grow more fearful.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chase
I sat in the passenger seat of the squad car, laughing at the look on Noah’s face. “She tried man, she did. But every single time she tried to say sick, she said dick.” His face was red and his eyes shined as he laughed through the words he spoke.
“Do you know how hard it was to keep a straight face while my daughter is standing in front of me telling me over and over that she got dick three times that day?” His eyes widened as he tried to fight his smile.
“I wanted to be pissed at the thought but hell, she looked so cute holding her blanket close to her face, looking up at me with those big brown eyes of hers.” He shook his head. “Alena stood a few feet away hiding her smile in a damn dishtowel she held to her mouth.”
“Had Nora been fifteen and was saying the same thing, I’d been out the door carrying my shot gun looking for the little fucker that got anywhere near my daughter,” he said with a serious tone.
Apparently little Nora had a speech impediment and the sweet girl was always stumping her parents every time she got carried away with an explanation. But this one right here topped all the other stories I had heard.
Just then my cell phone began to ring and I reached into my pocket to retrieve it.
It was a number I didn’t recognize.
“Yeah,” I said as I placed the phone to my ear.
“Chase, is that you?” a woman asked.
“Yeah this is Chase,” I assured her.
“It’s Tammy,” she clarified and I instantly wondered why Tammy Sawyer would be calling me. Unless something was wrong with Trinity.
My heart sank.
“Is Trinity okay?” I sat forward in the seat and gripped the dashboard.
“Trinity is fine, but I stopped by the house about fifteen minutes ago and they were loading your grandmother into an ambulance.” My chest ached as she continued. “Trinity found her this morning in her bedroom and she wasn’t responding to her, so she called 911.”
“Trin is in the ambulance with her and I’m following behind. She asked me to call you because in the mass confusion of the moment she couldn’t find her phone to call you herself.” I was thankful that she was by Nan’s side.
“I’m on my way,” I said as I hit “end” and looked toward Noah.
“I need you to take me to the hospital,” I said, still feeling my heart race with all the possibilities. Noah just nodded his head, turned the key in the ignition, and put the car in drive. We had been enjoying a coffee that we’d picked up at Amber’s café just moments ago. Laughing and joking about the things little Nora said that confused her parents, but now that happy carefree time was over.
I felt a strong sense of loss.
Over the last year and a half I had lived side by side with a woman who, on most days, drove me nuts. She was complicated, insane, and the biggest god-damn headache, but I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Besides all those things, she had also been my rock. She had been my best friend and one of my biggest supporters.
A life without Nan was one I had refrained from thinking about. I wasn’t ready for that world. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
***
As I rounded the corner that led to the waiting area, I found Trinity pacing the hall. Her head was hung as she looked at the floor. Her hands were in front of her as she continued to worryingly twist them over and over.
She had not yet noticed me moving toward her. But just as I stepped up to her side she looked in my direction, and it was then that I noticed her red-rimmed eyes.
She and Nan had grown close. Nan had accepted this beautiful girl as part of our little family too and she loved her just as I did.
Nan was not the type who showed her emotions often, but I could see the love in her eyes when she watched Trinity.
This day was hard on my girl too.
Without hesitation I wrapped her in my arms and held her close as I rocked her from side to side. Neither of us spoke because at that point there was no news. It was the waiting game.
The one where family is left in the dark, with the worst possible feelings and the medical staff doing everything they could to ensure the best possible outcome.
That game sucked.
“I shouldn’t have hit snooze on the alarm clock,” Trinity said with her face buried against my chest. “I should have gotten up and I would…”
“No,” I whispered as I pushed her back away from me and forced her to look at me. “This is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”
“But if I…” she began, but I
cut her off before she could finish.
“I didn’t check on her either,” I said, and she looked up at me as tears filled her eyes once again. “Nan is stubborn, sweet girl; we’ve been chastised to many times for hovering. No, this is not anyone’s fault.”
Even though on the inside I felt slightly responsible, I refused to let Trinity continue to feel even the slightest amount of blame.
I also didn’t want her to get too overwhelmed or upset because I assumed that wasn’t great for her or the baby. “Why don’t we go sit down?” I asked but didn’t wait for her response. Instead I started moving toward the waiting area, with my arm around her waist.
“Do you need anything to drink? Eat?” I asked as I motioned toward the chairs in front of us.
She offered me a gentle smile and shook her head as she sat down, not letting go of my hand. I lowered myself to the chair beside her and without hesitation moved my hand from hers to place my arm over her shoulder.
I just wanted to feel her close.
I had that sense of déjà vu from the night I’d been here not that long ago. Only on that night I was waiting for news of Trinity’s condition instead.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Trinity
“How is she?” Ryan asked as he sat down on the bar stool next to me. I’d stopped off at the bakery to grab some breakfast for Chase and me before heading back to the hospital.
“Feisty,” I said with a smile.
“That’s good, right?” he asked as he winked at Amber when she passed him his morning coffee.
“Yeah, it’s good,” I laughed. “Unless you’re one of the nurses trying to take care of her or the doctor who’s offering direction.”
Winnie Willard was a force to be reckoned with. She had a fire in her that I didn’t think would ever burn out. She would be on her death bed letting everyone around her have it. At least until she took her very last breath.
